I am very confused by this guy’s action. He is a long-time twice divorced man, whose best friend is also a long-time bachelor. I first noticed him when he shyly and nervously approached me using a fake reason. I was pleasant to him but not interested. I saw that whenever he would see me, he would watch me and stand near me or offer to help me. This is when I began to like him. He got my number from somewhere and called me three times, but never asked me out. I got the impression he wanted me to do the asking or suggesting. But I didn’t. I soon learned that he and his friend are accustomed to women pursuing them and people looking up to them. I called this guy twice within a year. I did not ask him to return the calls but I did leave a message. He never returned my calls or made any effort to see me. Until we run into each other at the same place . Then he watches me or find an excuse to stand near me or walk by me. At least three times, he followed into another room and waited near the entrance so I could pass him. He talks to people around me-but not me. He would even interrupt conversations I am having and ignore me and talk to the other person. His friend watches me too, even when he is not around. Sometimes they watch me together. I get the feeling that they talk about me when I am not around. I stopped being at the place that I usually see him. I hadn’t seen him in almost two months when I saw him at a special event I was invited. I did not know he was going to be there. He noticed me before I saw him, but instead of approaching me or even waving hello, he stood at a distance, staring seriously, almost blankly at me. I looked away and back, he was still staring and not smiling. I ignored him. He tried to get my attention again in other indirect ways and I ignored him two more times. He appeared angry and left. I have no idea what he is trying to do. A week later,my best friend said he went out of his way to speak to her something he normally doesn’t do. When his friend sees me, he still watches me. What do you think is going on. Is it his ego? Is he playing mind games? He seems to be trying to open doors for me to approach him without him taking any risks or responsibility. Could he really be shy underneath his apparent conceit and arrogance. This is a different situation for me. I am used to men staring , but they usually approach me. I did like this guy but now I am not sure how to react if I see him again. Thanks
Here’s my gut response.
He did approach you using a fake reason. This tells me he was interested in you but since you didn’t show any interest back, he assumed you were not available to him.
This may not have been enough for him to put his tail between his legs and give up.
He decided to “see what happens” if he called you by getting your number from someone else.
Obviously not the best tactic but you know, sometimes guys don’t think things through.
You only started to like him after some time and in most guys mind, they don’t get that. For us, since our attraction happens quicker, we tend to believe the same goes for you.
That means we might not give up on making it happen, but most of the time, we act out of fear of being friend zoned, or worse yet, out of desperation.
It also means, since he approached you first and you showed no real interest – he of course will now only believe it’s up to you to make the next move and if you don’t, this proves to him you only see him as a friend.
Honestly I’m starting to see real problems here. Obviously I only have your point of view so I’ll do my best to stay objective but since I have personal experience in this kind of thing, that may be impossible.
1. He used some excuse or “fake reason” to approach you. To me that screams a lack of confidence or ability to just start a normal conversation. Not good.
2. Lingering around. Again a lack of real conviction or strength. It’s what guys do when they like a girl but are not sure on how to proceed. They sometimes linger in a creepy way hoping you’ll notice him AND suddenly start to feel attracted to you.
If he felt at all rejected by your first interaction I would expect him to linger hoping you’ll change your mind. I would also expect him to offer favors or help trying to show you what a good guy he is.
3. He got your number from somewhere else and called you three times. Why didn’t he get your number from you? Again a creepy move which is never advised for any guy to do.
So you showed no interest, he lingered, stared, tried to offer help, and then continued to get your number from somewhere else.
All signs of a guy who may need my DiaLteG™ help.
I try not too blame them for doing things like that if they haven’t been properly taught, hell I did dumb shit like that all the time (except the number thing) and until someone showed me something different, continued them over and over again.
4. Three phone calls without creating a meeting (not counting long distance things) is a sign of a guy who again, is unsure of what to do. He’s not progressing so either he’s again, hoping you’ll let him know without a doubt it can be more than a friendship or he’s putting himself in the friends zone without knowing it.
They avoid risking rejection because they don’t think they’re good enough for you but stay close by because they enjoy being attracted to you. Something I would not know about if I had not done it myself. Let’s just say I have inside information on these kind of “friendly” acts. 🙂
Keep this important “thing” in mind when you’re dealing with guys like this: Feeling attracted is something we crave. We’ll take it along with being depressed, angry, hurt, and rejected over giving up hope entirely and moving on. This is partly how we become so obsessed with women who have no feelings for us.
5. Just because some guys are used to having women chase them says nothing about the actual women that are doing the chasing. Or even which guy they’re chasing. him or his friend.
6. When a guy interrupts a conversation and talks to the other person and not you – he’s trying to insert his masculinity into the equation. It’s not a mature thing to do. Some guys do it to make you jealous. It’s a passive aggressive move and is often done by guys who are trying way too hard to get you to like them.
I’d say he’s trying to get you to like him by showing you his opinions or conversational skills but he’s not confident enough to show you for himself.
Let’s not try to place blame here. I’m merely attempting to show you why, and what guys do, that may seem unusual but are all based on the fact they just don’t know how to turn a friendship or rejection into something more.
Now let’s look at a few things you wrote to wrap this all up… You wrote:
He tried to get my attention again in other indirect ways and I ignored him two more times. He appeared angry and left.
His frustration is showing. He feels like he is in the friends zone and is desperately trying to get you to let him out.
So what does he do? He goes to your best friend. Probably trying to get her to tell him whether you “like” him or not. He may never ask directly because he’ll be too scared to ask. But he will hope your friend will reveal the truth and spare him from having to ask directly.
Next, you said it all Regina:
He seems to be trying to open doors for me to approach him without him taking any risks or responsibility.
This is unfortunately how some men work. Not the responsibility but the risk part. They don’t feel confident or sure enough to know what to do so they do all of what I listed hoping you’ll let him off the hook and make it easy for him.
Which you have already learned does NOT work. It’s the exact opposite of what we show guys to do.
It’s what put so many guys in the friend zone or worse yet, the creepy guy zone.
You’ve described the desperate acts I have personally used in the past which NEVER worked for me.
It took one woman to destroy me completely before I realized doing the same thing over and over again, not taking risks, not being direct when appropriate, not learning the right steps, before I finally learned what women want to happen.
You have a decision to make – take what I’ve given you today as not a put down, merely an explanation of why he was acting this way. Not what caused it to happen. Hell he probably settled in his last two marriages and thus couldn’t keep them going or got lucky by having a woman love him, but soon his esteem or her lack of faith in him ruined the relationship.
So you decide – Do you deal with it hoping he’ll start acting differently?
Do you see this as an eye opener or what to look for the next time, that is to help you find a man who believes more in himself and his capacity with the opposite sex?
Now years ago I would have begged you to give him a real chance. To just come out and say,
“Hey I like you. Stop being such a wussy and let’s do something ya fool. 🙂 ”
But nowadays I’m torn…
I feel his frustration.
I want to help him because I know if I could show him “better ways” and show him how to gain the right amount of value in himself – then I surely get him to give his better self (which I know is in him) to a woman in turn making her happier and giving their future relationship a much better chance at succeeding.
You know, it sucks being me sometimes. 😀
All in all – I don’t see the arrogance or that he’s conceited. I just see a guy who feels friend zoned and is not entirely sure on what to do about it.
Some guys are not shy but still lack the experience and do often find themselves screwing it up in one way or another with a woman. It’s unfortunate but it does happen.
How you handle it Regina is entirely up to you. I’m sure if he was playing you, he wouldn’t be doing it this badly. Players are quite good at what they do unless of course, you’re his first “played” experience. 🙂 Let’s hope not.
Thanks for writing in Regina and please let me know what you decide… I do hope everyone else is just as interested as I am on how it all plays out for you.