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He’s Making Eye Contact and Staring At You, But You’re Shy – What Does It Mean? Do You Approach Him?

in Stare and Approach
He’s Making Eye Contact and Staring At You, But You’re Shy – What Does It Mean? Do You Approach Him? post image

Hello Peter,

There’s this guy who has been staring at me. I met him this week and at the start of the week he sat across from me in the classroom so that I was in his sight of vision. He would stare at my occasionally during class and when I would leave, he would sometimes lean back on his chair and stare at me. He’s starting to move closer to where I sit. For instance today my friend sat between us and when I asked her a question, he turned around and I just felt a pang of guilt when I saw his realisation that the question was not directed to him. When he’s with his friends I don’t think he stares at me but I cannot be sure because I don’t look his way/I’m usually walking in front of them. The thing is, I think I may have also developed a small crush.

My question is that, I am quite shy around guys so when I catch him staring at me I always break the stare first because I am too shy to maintain eye contact. Would he take this as a sign of rejection? I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them. What should I do? Should I wait for him to make a move? Or should I initiate conversation?


Hello to you too Annie,

I loved your question so much I decided to give a little more.

One because I love to talk. 😀 Two, because so many women have asked questions like this. And three because I get to cover some interesting things about guys – you may have never realized before.

This is where you’ll begin to truly understand the meeting, approaching, staring thing with guys (…and a little more too) and how different men react AND how to make sure the guy you really wants stands out.

First let’s talk about proximity.

When a guy gets closer to you or is finding excuses to be around you I call him a lurker. If he’s unsure of what to say, or how to approach you, he thinks it’s more likely to happen if he “accidentally” finds himself talking to you.

I did it for years myself in more social situations than just the classroom. It’s weird the way it happens because we know it’s going on but just can’t stop ourselves. It’s like you’re a siren calling us in with your song.

Your react depends on how he does it. Some women find it creepy, some don’t even notice, and some are only confused by it. Such as in your case.

I’ve taught guys to NEVER do this. How a woman will give you every available signal that she wants to be approached and to not hesitate doing it. How he must project confidence, overcome any fears of rejection, and after the right amount of eye contact – SHE will put herself in a place making it easy on him to approach.

For example I once had a “client” of mine sit next to me in a bar. We “scoped out” the women and noticed a few who were “checking us out.” He got nervous and excited and wanted to jump all over them.

But since I could tell they were not ready I told him to sit back and relax. Don’t stare. When she’s ready she’ll make it clearly known.

Well of course he couldn’t wait and he ended up approaching one with a stupid line. She blew him off and he slithered back to my side complaining how “She was a bitch.”

I knew the truth though and maintained my position and yes, within the hour, surprisingly when my friend was away at the bathroom, she just happened to be ordering a drink right next to me. And she could have done that from anywhere – but somehow she “accidentally” decided this was the best place to order from. 😉

My point is most guys don’t understand how it all works. They either approach too early, too late, fail to make the right eye contact, don’t read the signals properly, or, as in your case, try to put themselves closer and closer to you.

Which, as I explained to the man – she will do and if he does things right – she won’t even know she’s doing it.

Now let’s talk about eye contact.

As a woman, breaking the contact first tells men exactly the opposite of what you might believe. It’s a female sign of submission (for a lack of a more precise word) and not normally a lack of confidence. (That’s what WE teach to be precise. Obviously there’s a little more going on.)

But to so many men, they believe you’re doing it because you’re rejecting them.

If you hold your gaze for a second or two then look some place else, normally down, then you ARE doing it right. If you want to be approached. The “better” men will recognize it the right way. The less confident might not.

How us 10% guys notice or what we may look for. Women who look up, left or right are generally showing the signal of not caring, disgust, or are not ready. Women who look to the sides are unsure and perhaps are looking around to see if we’re looking at someone else.

Remember we’re NOT talking about strange creepy weird staring. Just normal every day eye contact. You have to realize there’s a difference and I’m sure you can tell the difference.

Okay – now I’m torn. A part of me wants you to break the typical and tell you to just approach him because I WAS that guy and I would have loved it beyond anything you can imagine – If every woman I made the “I like you eye contact” would have come over to me.

But I also was a lazy guy who didn’t take the time to learn what you were truly all about. What can I say. It happens. 😀

So the other part of me – the guy you see today – understands this important concept of the first meeting or approach…

If you want a man who does at least competently understand you and women (generally speaking) AND if you want a naturally confident man; oh AND if you enjoy the more masculine type – then remember this, if he can NOT bring himself to approach you – look elsewhere until you find a guy who can.

At least that way you’ll increase your chances of ending up with what I’ll call a “real” guy. A mature masculine leader of himself who doesn’t fear the soft sensual often subtle ways in how the female experiences her naturally adoring feminine side. (Cool sentence huh?)

On the side, the answer I just gave you can be age based. Much younger men may not have found that skill yet. So it matters less in his case. The more experienced man who hasn’t found that skill is a different story altogether.

Let’s go back to what you wrote on the end so we can tie this all up.

I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them. What should I do? Should I wait for him to make a move? Or should I initiate conversation?

One rule – if he is shy or nervous it means he IS interested. Men don’t go “stupid” around women they don’t want unless they are in that “10%” or above I mentioned earlier.

If you’ve caught him staring he DOES notice the small smiles. He’s probably not sure they’re directed at him or not.

However – Guys are not typically good at recognizing subtle hints.

With that said – the smile is a great place to start but you must also throw in a little extra to guarantee he notices. Which may give him the extra confidence he needs to start a conversation with you.

Your eyes mean a lot too. Remember to look down slightly and slowly.

You can position yourself towards him but turn away a little. Not face to face.

Play with your hair casually. I can not tell you how many men who like to tell me, “Dude she’s playing with her hair, that’s how you know she likes you.” Hahah!

Well I dismiss their presumptions because I know the truth 😉 but hey, you know, if it’s what most of them think then I believe it will work. It has to.

As for waiting on him to make his move – sorry that’s up to you. Hopefully what I shared with you and all the wonderful women reading this, you’ll make at least a clearer decision based on your own beliefs and I guess – how bad you want him too.

I will, because part of me feels bad when two people don’t get to know each other because of doubts and fears, they’re missing out on so much it frustrated the hell out of me I’m not there to introduce the world to each other… I’ll give you some pointers based on being a guy and what I would like.

A small coy smile, look in our eyes for a moment then look down at our mouth, and then back up to our eyes as you say,

“Hello. There’s something I know about you…”

Reach down to shake his hand lightly and then say,

“You have a name… … … What should I call you? I’m Annie.”

That’s all there is to it. (Okay there’s more but the basics cover so many circumstances and you have to start somewhere right.

You started by showing confidence, the lure to his mouth and back is telling him you’re available for a conversation and it’s a little “flirty” too. You’ve broken the touch barrier hopefully relieving some bad nervous tension, and you get a good read on his reaction.

Starting with, you know something about him clues him on you’ve noticed him from afar. Guys love that shit. Haha!

You also give him the opportunity to flirt by asking him what you should call him.

The last part. Well it’s your name Annie so make sure he never forgets it. 🙂

I believe I’m out of words now. I know, finally…

Seriously let me know how it works out for you. If you’re not Annie and these tips and clues have worked out for you, please let us all know about it below.

Thanks for stopping by. Nice to meet you.

And I do hope the next time a guy stares, you first think of me of course, I like that, but after that remember everything I’ve covered and you’ll understand him clearer than every before. I hope it brings a little twinkle to your eyes that beckons to him better than any fantasy siren could.


Peter White. Just some guy every woman should get to know because, well I “think” like a guy. 🙂 Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thanks for stopping by and be good, be bad, just BE something.

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101 comments… add one
  • I’m 35. I work at a place that employs a lot of younger folks and the men of all ages tend to show interest in me, which usually leaves me stunned. Many of them leave the job after showing interest in me which makes me feel like a trouble maker for my boss. Some of them have a hard time being around me, which is hard for me to take and makes me angry! When they try to stick around the tension is always tight. They always end up friending it up with other females and leaving me in the dirt of isolation. I want to know how to change this.

    I haven’t had a date in 14 years so I guess I exude a lot of desperation, although, I’m not willing to settle for a soul. I don’t hit on or flirt with men intentionally, and I try so hard to show them I’m not a threat to them by showing I’m 100% not interested and okay with their rejection. Maybe I’m mistaking their kindness for interest which is why I try so hard to reassure them I’m all about the job at hand. Even though a couple obviously show interest. I don’t know how to deal.

    I’m no knock out. I’ve had a hard life and it shows hard, and I bet if I cut my super long hair off they’d never approach me again.

    • Peter White

      Amber – Why do you feel those men have a hard time being around you? What kind of tension are you feeling? Do you think it’s purely sexual or more of them feeling intimidated by you?

      About the “friending” it up with other females, does that mean you feel you deserve more attention than the other women OR that they give up on you too easily and just go to those other women because they might be easier to become friends with?

      It seems like you push a lot of men away. You’re not flirting with them. You show them you’re not interested and that it’s okay to reject you. Does that mean you put out an initial vibe that says, “You probably won’t like me anyways and I’m okay with it.” ?

      You also said, “I try so hard to reassure them I’m all about the job at hand.” Does this mean you’re telling guys in one way or another that, “I don’t date guys at work and I assure you I’m not or will not be interested in you (as a man).”

      Perhaps I’m having trouble figuring out what’s your exact question beyond – “I want to know how to change the fact they are friending other females and leave me isolated.” even though I’m reading between the lines and understand a lot more than you might believe. Meaning everything you wrote makes sense to me and I can relate to it.

      Which also tells me that you are projecting a masculine edge at work which unfortunately most guys don’t respond well to with regards to sexual appeal above and beyond the normal everyday guys thing. And yes, it’s work so I understand that part too.

      My gut then leads me to say – Work is work. And if that’s where you intend to find your date or have it work more socially for you – and if this is how you treat work – then your first goal would be to immediately start looking outside work. That is where you solution is. Life is a balance. Balance the the other part (meeting men outside of work socially and more) and suddenly these work problems won’t have a big impact on your work life.

      I’m a firm believer that work relationships are socially different than other social events and must be treated that way. There’s too much “overhead” and other complications which go above and beyond outside activities making it that much more difficult to figure out.

      If you look objectively on how you interact with men outside of your career – you’ll find the solution will become much easier to read, fix, enhance, or whatever needs to be done. And again, will in turn downplay any of these problems you might be having with guys at work.


      • Amber Gardner

        “You probably won’t like me anyways and I’m okay with it.” ?
        I think this 100%.

        I would date a man from work if I dated at all, but I don’t date period because I have some physical issues that aren’t on the surface. I’m not looking for a man anywhere.

        Thanks for responding!

  • Bella

    I hve a crush on my senior at my university hes in 4th year and im in 1st year the frst time we met was when i was sitng on the path waitng for somone to pik me up from home it was late about 8:00pm so i was the only one left there so its like i was bored of siting so i strtd walkng on the path it was thn whn he approached me from nowhere and he was like have u seen my frnd here and i was like n-no im frst year i dnt know whos ur frnd he was like ok strtd on the phn
    I startd to walk bck and forth slowly on the path he thn said r u afraid of me i was like no im not he was like realy i was like yea thn he said whyr u movng bck i said u-um im just moving he was like ok so he cald his frnd so i sat bck on the path he thn again aprchd me and said which year r u frm i said frst year and he askd my name i told him thn he was like whyr u so afraid of me am i scary i was likee noo no thats not true im not scared so he was smiling he said ok so come have a walk with me i lookd at him and said ok he smiled nd we strtd walking and talking after a few minutes i got a cal tht my mum was there to pik me so i got bck nd pikd my stuf he walkd with me bck there nd said tht my name is ***( i didnt evn askd his name … I was really shyyy ;_; ) and this isnt a movies dialouge but if u evr get in trouble anytime just call my name and smiled i lukd bck nd smiled thn he said god by nd said hope we meet again at uni i said sure
    I realy got a good vibe from him but just a friendly one it was the other day whn i reachd my uni nd saw him sitng at my bck bnch i stood up from there and went off i was taking my class when i saw him walk with his friend out side and he lookd at me and stoped there i got red and i dnt know wht i thought i just packd my stuff nd rushed out side i was going out the door when he just popd in again and it was so close we could hve had a bad crash i stepd aside and he looked at me and said how r u nd i was scared and cnfused nd said im fine i didnt know wht to do i just walkd the other way thn and he walkd in the room
    I used to met him till i got a arangemnt for the bus but when we met about a five times thn i dnt realy know what to thnk of it as i really love him alot hes like the perfect man i ever dreamt and wantd looks rough and tough and is soft as cotton ball from the inside
    When we met aftr the just about to crash thing it was again late but a few people wer around he aproachd me nd said hi and was like hows it goin and did u make friends i was like going gud but i hvnt made friends yet just one so he was like ok did u met anothr senior i was like no then he said do like some one i was likee 😶😶😶 no not realy he was like comon dnt lie theres always someone u look at and say i like him nd i was like in my heart uu ur the onee 😂 but i said him tht u cant judge someone by his looks and he smiled and said thats right nd thn i had to go so we said by the next time we met was also late me waiting he again aproachd me and said still here no one to pik and smiling i was like yeah he thn came by and strtd talkng so hve u made friends i was like ummm nahh just one he was like ull get used to it i was like no im not gona get used to it i know i dnt open up to people much and im not like the cool girls im not like anyone here(like cvrng with make up tht cool dressings and selfie madness and going to anyone and talkng to thm) he was smiling and said ull chng dnt worry i was like no i wont i know he smiled i thn said its like my star he askd whts ur star i told him nd he thn askd my birthday nd thn told me he has a friend whos just realy soft heartd nd hes a capricorn thn i was like hmm there was a bit silence for a sec thn i askd him hesitating whns ur BDay he told me i just pased a week a ago i was hmm he thn smiled nd said now wish me a late birthday i smiled nd shyly said hapy belated Bday he thn smiled nd laughed a bit and moved his hand for a friendly shake it was thn when we frst shaked hands thn i had to go too 😑
    So the next time we met he came and there were some of his friends siting the oposite side where we wer standng (around the tree) he was like so watsup i was like nothing much how were ur papers he said good thn his friends strtd making odd voices like owls nd monkeys and i looked bck he smiled and said if u stay this late these kind of people will scare u said no this is nothing when i used to sit on tht path there were people pasing by tht looked at me moved ahead and there eyes were still rolled bck he laughed 😍 (he looked so sweet) and said well theres a thing i was like silent and scared for a moment and didnt knew wht he might say so i was listening closely he continued ur eyes are really killing i was like whattttttt 😶😶😶 i had no idea if i had kiling eyes no one had evr complemntd that way before except my mum who used to say u hve drunken eyes nd stuff i kept my self stable not to react to much and laughed and looked away thn there was his friend who cald him nd said tht u said 5 mints and its been 10 mints since thn he was like ok im coming thn he again shaked my hand and said good by and went to his bike ( he had to drop his friend ) but he still even being on the bike kept waiting for another 5 mints for me tht someone would come but his friend was being annoyed so told him to go already he looked at me and they left nd aftr a while i also went
    Tht thing tht bothers me is he always looks at me he used to sit behind me when i was doing my work kept lookng at me i was extremly nervous and didnt know how to aproach him and talk to him i tried to talk to him alone so many times but i couldnt there wwas always a reason everytime and i know whenever i saw him and we made eye contact i could stare him bck i couldnt evn same him hi till now until he said hi i know i look so stupid but i just cant i havnt ever been in a relationship ever
    So the nxt time we met was aftr a long gap of two weeks or more and i know i used to come daily early and stAyed late that he might come and we’l talk but he didnt came regularly so the last time we talked was then when i missed my bus and came bck in and saw him going to the toilets i sat where i used to he came bck and was looking at me ( this was aftr a very long time tht we met again alone and i was looking frwd to this ) he said no one came to pik u and was smiling i was like no i went for the bus but missed it so he smiled nd said the driver left u i was like yeah so he said ok ill stay with u put his bag nxt to me and walkd to someone who just came out and asked him for a lighter and started to smoke he then moved to my right and started to smoke i got a call from my mum who told me tht the driver will be there to pik me in a few minutes when he saw me on the phn he came to me and sat next to me he had finish his smoking i said can i ask u somethng he was like sure i stoped for a moment and he was lookng at me being so silent then i just said why do u smoke he laughed and said i knew u were gonna ask it i was like no really why do people smoke so much here when they know its un healthy nd smoking kills he was like it hasnt been long sinc i strtd smoking i just got a cal tht the drivr was here he got silent and so i stood up and he looked at me and i said to be continued and he laughed and moved his hand to me and shaked good by i moved one step ahead and said smoking kills he said i dnt smoke alot thn i said poison in small amount is also enough he thn giggled and said yeahhh ( his tone chnged into a depresng serious and sad one ) looked in to my eyes nd said im also poison nd its all inside me his eyes looked so deep nd serious for a moment and his mood lookd chngd i didnt knew how to react i wantd to talk more i lookd at him and held my head down it was thn tht my phn rang again i quickly turnd it off he said u should go i felt so guilty tht i made him sad 😒 thn i left him saying him thnku for i dnt know wht
    And aftr this i know i hve seen him so less hardly once a week or mayb not i got so upset even though its not like we were in a relationship but still i was down the whole time
    Then when i saw him there he used to leave early because of his job i realy got depressed but when we still saw each other no one from each of us aproachd anyone of us but we stil kept looking
    Looking at each other noticing eachother
    Then this happened a few days ago when i saw him again with his friend after a whole two weeks he looked weak i got worried but excited the same time to see him me and my friends went to sit somewhere and have fun and by chnc they sat right infront of him we had about 50 feet distnc between us and we could see each other i was trying to act stupid and make him feel uncomfortable so i kept on talking casualy with my friends so one by one they all left during tht time he walked towards me with his friend talking at looking at me and thn moving around and laughing
    When all my friends left i still sat there waiting tht mayb he’l come by or somethng i knew it was stupid but i had to give it a shot i was sitting alone quietly when he came with his friend and i noticed like his friend was lookng at him and laughng And he was also laughing but had his head down and walked away then again he was coming from my left i saw his friend and quckly sliped a bit bck and had my head down quickly his friend noticed it and said him somthng so when he walkd again infrnt of me he was walking the othr side while his friend on my side and while they were walking his friend said somethng and laughed and the only thing tht i heard clearly was lover and they went to the other side i felt really odd and mesed up i knew i had to get up but my legs were shaking for i dnt wht he again came by with another friend of his
    The three of them were walking where they were sitng before and the other friend of his just said (saying his name ) u should sit here(tht position was just infrnt of me about 15/20 feet ahead ) i was like (fuc**) now what
    He thn moved abit far about 35/40 feet ahead and sat on a bnch there facng his bck at me while his friend facing me and the other one sitting somewhere else people were going and coming and in this time when a rush passed he looked bck at me i pretended i didnt saw him lookng at me i thought i had enough of it so when i saw a few girls from my class coming i went up and left for home
    Thts all and i dnt know what i shld b doing whts on his mind but its true tht i hve never seen him with anyother girl like hanging out alone and stuff its been 5 mnths that we hv met and the 6th is going
    Please tell me what to do im messed up so much

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