There’s this guy who has been staring at me. I met him this week and at the start of the week he sat across from me in the classroom so that I was in his sight of vision. He would stare at my occasionally during class and when I would leave, he would sometimes lean back on his chair and stare at me. He’s starting to move closer to where I sit. For instance today my friend sat between us and when I asked her a question, he turned around and I just felt a pang of guilt when I saw his realization that the question was not directed to him. When he’s with his friends I don’t think he stares at me but I cannot be sure because I don’t look his way/I’m usually walking in front of them. The thing is, I think I may have also developed a small crush.
My question is that, I am quite shy around guys so when I catch him staring at me I always break the stare first because I am too shy to maintain eye contact. Would he take this as a sign of rejection? I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them. What should I do? Should I wait for him to make a move? Or should I initiate conversation?
Hello to you too Annie, I loved your question so much I decided to give a little more.
One because I love to talk.
Two, because so many women have asked questions like this.
Three because we get to cover some interesting things about guys you may have never realized before.
This is where you’ll begin to truly understand the meeting, approaching, staring thing with guys and how different men react AND how to make sure the guy you really wants stands out.
First let’s talk about proximity.
When a guy gets closer to you or is finding excuses to be around you he’s a lurker or he’s lingering.
If he’s unsure of what to say or how to approach you, he thinks it’s more likely to happen if he “accidentally” finds himself talking to you.
Which is why he positions himself close to you.
A guy generally knows he’s doing it, and he senses it’s wrong, but he just can’t help himself most of the time.
Your reaction to it or how it makes you feel will in part depend on how he does it.
Some women find it creepy, some don’t even notice, and some are only confused by it. Such as in your case.
Most guys just don’t understand how it all the approaching women after staring or making eye contact works.
They either approach too early, too late, fail to make the right eye contact, don’t read the signals properly, or, as in your case, try to put themselves closer and closer to you.
Now let’s talk about eye contact.
As a woman, breaking the eye contact first tells men exactly the opposite of what you might believe.
It’s a female sign of submission (for a lack of a more precise word) and not normally a lack of confidence.
But to so many men, they believe you’re doing it because you’re rejecting them.
If you hold your gaze for a second or two then look some place else, normally down, then you ARE doing it right. If you want to be approached. The “better” men will recognize it the right way. The less confident might not.
That’s the generality of it.
A more precise NLP version is this:
Women who look up, left or right are generally showing the signal of not caring, disgust, or are not ready.
Women who look to the sides are unsure and perhaps are looking around to see if we’re looking at someone else.
Remember we’re NOT talking about strange creepy weird staring.
Just normal every day eye contact.
You have to realize there’s a difference but I’m sure you can and do notice the different subtleties.
Now here’s when things get very complicated when it comes to approaching, starting conversations, and meeting AFTER first eye contact is made.
If you want a man who does at least competently understand you and women AND if you want a naturally confident man; oh AND if you enjoy the more masculine type – then remember this…
If he can NOT bring himself to approach you – look elsewhere until you find a guy who can do it.
At least that way you’ll increase your chances of ending up with what I’ll call a “real” guy.
A mature masculine leader of himself who doesn’t fear the soft sensual often subtle ways in how the female experiences her naturally adoring feminine side.
Then again, the answer above may be age-based.
Much younger men may not have found that skill yet.
So it matters less in his case.
The more experienced man who hasn’t found that skill is a different story altogether.
Let’s go back to what you wrote on the end so we can tie this all up.
“I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them. What should I do? Should I wait for him to make a move? Or should I initiate conversation?”
If he is shy or nervous it means he IS interested.
Men don’t go “stupid” around women they don’t want.
If you’ve caught him staring he DOES notice the small smiles. He’s just probably not sure if they’re directed at him.
However – Guys are not typically good at recognizing subtle hints women throw out.
With that said – the smile is a great place to start but you must also throw in a little extra to guarantee he notices.
Which can also give him the extra confidence he needs to start a conversation with you.
Your eyes mean a lot too. Remember to look down slightly and slowly.
You can position yourself towards him but turn away a little.
Not face to face.
Play with your hair casually. I can not tell you how many men who like to tell me, “Dude she’s playing with her hair, that’s how you know she likes you.”
They may not be right most of the time – in other words reading a woman’s body language in that way and out of context is totally useless BUT if a guy thinks that’s what it means AND you want him to approach you – then why not use it, right?
As for waiting on him to make his move…
You could be waiting forever for that to happen (especially if he’s young, inexperienced, and scare shitless).
Give him A small coy smile, look in his eyes for a moment then look down at his mouth, and then back up to his eyes and say,
“Hello. There’s something I know about you…”
Reach down to shake his hand lightly and then say,
“I KNOW You have a name… … … What should I call you? I’m Annie.”
That’s all there is to it.
(Okay there’s more but the basics cover so many circumstances and you have to start somewhere right.)
Here is why it works so well and guys.
You started off by showing confidence. YOU made the approach and disregarded all the who-should-approach-who nonsense.
Remember – men do love to chase. They also don’t women to be too forward. BUT saying hello is opening a door for that stuff to happen.
The lure to his mouth and back is body-language cues for telling him you’re available and open for a conversation with him AND it’s a little flirty too so you got the sexual edge covered.
When you’re shaking his hand you’re taking care of the youch barrier which can remove a lot of bad tension and nervousness you both might be feeling. Not of all it but it’s headed in the right direction.
Plus you get a good read on his physical reaction.
Saying or opening with, “I know something about you…” lets him believe you’ve noticed. It doesn’t matter what it is – just that guys love to be noticed even if it is just a play on words.
You also give him the opportunity to flirt with you by asking him what you should call him.
The last part.
Well it’s your name Annie so make sure he never forgets it.
When you break the stare or eye contact first with a guy – he won’t often see it as a rejection. That depends on the guy.
Don’t worry if he’s shy, nervous, or interested. Sounds like you both are a little shy and most men are nervous in these situations.
If you’re interested in him – go for it.
It’s hard to tell if he’s notice the smile you keep giving.
Most men are too nervous to approach a girl anyways for many reasons.
Don’t ever wait IF you want something to happen. Start a conversation and take it from there.
Thanks for your wonderful question.
Let me know how it works out for you OR if any girl finds this useful, let me know below how it all worked out. Always great to hear.
I do hope the next time a guy stares at you you’ll think of this post and through the positive knowledge you learned today – you’re a little less shy – more confident – and open to quickly move on from eye contact, to meeting, to truly connecting with a guy.
Don’t forget to sign in below to why do guys because you’re going to learn a lot about and exactly what to do in “staring” situations like this and many more.
You can never be too shy to start understanding men better.
For more help – please read these article I posted at The Approach:
“Body language, eye contact, and smiling are just three components in making a good first impression. How to look, feel, and act confident around men. Making people feel relaxed around you and conveying that you’re in control. Winning people over, including men, through your confident personality.”
It was written as part of the Get A Guy program which can be found here.