There’s this guy who has been staring at me. I met him this week and at the start of the week he sat across from me in the classroom so that I was in his sight of vision. He would stare at my occasionally during class and when I would leave, he would sometimes lean back on his chair and stare at me. He’s starting to move closer to where I sit. For instance today my friend sat between us and when I asked her a question, he turned around and I just felt a pang of guilt when I saw his realisation that the question was not directed to him. When he’s with his friends I don’t think he stares at me but I cannot be sure because I don’t look his way/I’m usually walking in front of them. The thing is, I think I may have also developed a small crush.
My question is that, I am quite shy around guys so when I catch him staring at me I always break the stare first because I am too shy to maintain eye contact. Would he take this as a sign of rejection? I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them. What should I do? Should I wait for him to make a move? Or should I initiate conversation?
Hello to you too Annie,
I loved your question so much I decided to give a little more.
One because I love to talk. 😀 Two, because so many women have asked questions like this. And three because I get to cover some interesting things about guys – you may have never realized before.
This is where you’ll begin to truly understand the meeting, approaching, staring thing with guys (…and a little more too) and how different men react AND how to make sure the guy you really wants stands out.
First let’s talk about proximity.
When a guy gets closer to you or is finding excuses to be around you I call him a lurker. If he’s unsure of what to say, or how to approach you, he thinks it’s more likely to happen if he “accidentally” finds himself talking to you.
I did it for years myself in more social situations than just the classroom. It’s weird the way it happens because we know it’s going on but just can’t stop ourselves. It’s like you’re a siren calling us in with your song.
Your react depends on how he does it. Some women find it creepy, some don’t even notice, and some are only confused by it. Such as in your case.
I’ve taught guys to NEVER do this. How a woman will give you every available signal that she wants to be approached and to not hesitate doing it. How he must project confidence, overcome any fears of rejection, and after the right amount of eye contact – SHE will put herself in a place making it easy on him to approach.
For example I once had a “client” of mine sit next to me in a bar. We “scoped out” the women and noticed a few who were “checking us out.” He got nervous and excited and wanted to jump all over them.
But since I could tell they were not ready I told him to sit back and relax. Don’t stare. When she’s ready she’ll make it clearly known.
Well of course he couldn’t wait and he ended up approaching one with a stupid line. She blew him off and he slithered back to my side complaining how “She was a bitch.”
I knew the truth though and maintained my position and yes, within the hour, surprisingly when my friend was away at the bathroom, she just happened to be ordering a drink right next to me. And she could have done that from anywhere – but somehow she “accidentally” decided this was the best place to order from. 😉
My point is most guys don’t understand how it all works. They either approach too early, too late, fail to make the right eye contact, don’t read the signals properly, or, as in your case, try to put themselves closer and closer to you.
Which, as I explained to the man – she will do and if he does things right – she won’t even know she’s doing it.
Now let’s talk about eye contact.
As a woman, breaking the contact first tells men exactly the opposite of what you might believe. It’s a female sign of submission (for a lack of a more precise word) and not normally a lack of confidence. (That’s what WE teach to be precise. Obviously there’s a little more going on.)
But to so many men, they believe you’re doing it because you’re rejecting them.
If you hold your gaze for a second or two then look some place else, normally down, then you ARE doing it right. If you want to be approached. The “better” men will recognize it the right way. The less confident might not.
How us 10% guys notice or what we may look for. Women who look up, left or right are generally showing the signal of not caring, disgust, or are not ready. Women who look to the sides are unsure and perhaps are looking around to see if we’re looking at someone else.
Remember we’re NOT talking about strange creepy weird staring. Just normal every day eye contact. You have to realize there’s a difference and I’m sure you can tell the difference.
Okay – now I’m torn. A part of me wants you to break the typical and tell you to just approach him because I WAS that guy and I would have loved it beyond anything you can imagine – If every woman I made the “I like you eye contact” would have come over to me.
But I also was a lazy guy who didn’t take the time to learn what you were truly all about. What can I say. It happens. 😀
So the other part of me – the guy you see today – understands this important concept of the first meeting or approach…
If you want a man who does at least competently understand you and women (generally speaking) AND if you want a naturally confident man; oh AND if you enjoy the more masculine type – then remember this, if he can NOT bring himself to approach you – look elsewhere until you find a guy who can.
At least that way you’ll increase your chances of ending up with what I’ll call a “real” guy. A mature masculine leader of himself who doesn’t fear the soft sensual often subtle ways in how the female experiences her naturally adoring feminine side. (Cool sentence huh?)
On the side, the answer I just gave you can be age based. Much younger men may not have found that skill yet. So it matters less in his case. The more experienced man who hasn’t found that skill is a different story altogether.
Let’s go back to what you wrote on the end so we can tie this all up.
I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them. What should I do? Should I wait for him to make a move? Or should I initiate conversation?
One rule – if he is shy or nervous it means he IS interested. Men don’t go “stupid” around women they don’t want unless they are in that “10%” or above I mentioned earlier.
If you’ve caught him staring he DOES notice the small smiles. He’s probably not sure they’re directed at him or not.
However – Guys are not typically good at recognizing subtle hints.
With that said – the smile is a great place to start but you must also throw in a little extra to guarantee he notices. Which may give him the extra confidence he needs to start a conversation with you.
Your eyes mean a lot too. Remember to look down slightly and slowly.
You can position yourself towards him but turn away a little. Not face to face.
Play with your hair casually. I can not tell you how many men who like to tell me, “Dude she’s playing with her hair, that’s how you know she likes you.” Hahah!
Well I dismiss their presumptions because I know the truth 😉 but hey, you know, if it’s what most of them think then I believe it will work. It has to.
As for waiting on him to make his move – sorry that’s up to you. Hopefully what I shared with you and all the wonderful women reading this, you’ll make at least a clearer decision based on your own beliefs and I guess – how bad you want him too.
I will, because part of me feels bad when two people don’t get to know each other because of doubts and fears, they’re missing out on so much it frustrated the hell out of me I’m not there to introduce the world to each other… I’ll give you some pointers based on being a guy and what I would like.
A small coy smile, look in our eyes for a moment then look down at our mouth, and then back up to our eyes as you say,
“Hello. There’s something I know about you…”
Reach down to shake his hand lightly and then say,
“You have a name… … … What should I call you? I’m Annie.”
That’s all there is to it. (Okay there’s more but the basics cover so many circumstances and you have to start somewhere right.
You started by showing confidence, the lure to his mouth and back is telling him you’re available for a conversation and it’s a little “flirty” too. You’ve broken the touch barrier hopefully relieving some bad nervous tension, and you get a good read on his reaction.
Starting with, you know something about him clues him on you’ve noticed him from afar. Guys love that shit. Haha!
You also give him the opportunity to flirt by asking him what you should call him.
The last part. Well it’s your name Annie so make sure he never forgets it. 🙂
I believe I’m out of words now. I know, finally…
Seriously let me know how it works out for you. If you’re not Annie and these tips and clues have worked out for you, please let us all know about it below.
Thanks for stopping by. Nice to meet you.
And I do hope the next time a guy stares, you first think of me of course, I like that, but after that remember everything I’ve covered and you’ll understand him clearer than every before. I hope it brings a little twinkle to your eyes that beckons to him better than any fantasy siren could.