I‘m guessing a million different people have proposed a thousand different answers to the ever popular question: “What Does A Guy Really Want?”
You may have heard or even believed all the nonsense such as…
We want trophies, beauty, sex, and wealth.
How we want something we can show off, something pleasant to look at, some way to release our pent-up sexual urges, and a way or means to feel important.
Some or even all may be true especially for some men. I won’t deny the existence of desires in any shape or form. I also don’t want to downplay the important of attraction as I noted here: Ten Things That Guys Are Attracted To.
A guy’s primitive needs of survival, including procreation, has (and always will) have something, possibly everything to do with his fears.
They play an important and invaluable role which must never be overlooked.
That is IF we’re to simplify and understand the complexity behind what every man has wanted and ever will want from his most beloved female counterpart – or future wife and mother.
I do hope you read the last letter I sent you. Especially the intuitive quote from my buddy Carlos. (This article was copied from my newsletter – A real honest look at men You can hop on it there.)
MEN’S BIGGEST FEARS IN DATING:
- He will be rejected by her – possibly by missing one of her “rules” of the game
- He will lose his freedom in his search for connection.
- He will be seen as incompetent or a “failure” (i.e., not a success)
- He will not satisfy her sexually.
- He won’t know how to handle or manage her emotions.
Follow along because I’d like to personally discuss a little more on each one.
Men do NOT want to be rejected. They fear rejection.
Since being accepted by you goes along with it we can assume:
Men are constantly looking to be accepted by you no matter what they do.
They want to know you’re okay with who they are even in the midst of all his faults.
Accepting a guy in turn satisfies just ONE of his fears.
This is all within reason of course because when you constantly accept bad behavior in all its shapes and forms or derogatory action you might be accept the “wrong” guy.
Men do NOT want to lose their freedom. They fear losing their independence.
They want the freedom to make their own choices which they might believe is best for him, you, or the family.
A man needs to feel that he has choices in life and is not ever trapped into making decisions.
He WANTS to believe he has other options or the fear of his loss of independence overrides the feelings of commitment.
Allowing a guy to make his own decisions for better or worse or keeping a certain lifestyle a masculine man feels is part of being a man in a way satisfies this fear.
Again within reason because if his decisions harm or hurt YOU and the people around him, you might be letting the “wrong” guy get away with actually being less than a man.
Men do not want to feel incompetent or like a failure. Men need to succeed in some parts of their life.
They need to feel in charge of their own happiness.
They need to feel useful.
A man needs the feeling of control over his success or he might spiral into despair or depression and seek other forms of relief such as drugs, cheating, intimate connections with other women and so on.
He also WANTS to be useful to himself and YOU.
Take away pieces or all of it and the fears are allowed to grow and become an integral part of his actions.
If he feels useless he may give up trying to make something work.
If he feels like he has no control over his happiness or fulfillment in life and continues to leave it up to something or someone else he might always feel like a failure.
And feeling like a failure in front of the ONE person or family he loves the most and wants to give everything to is one of the greatest fears which causes many of men to act out passively by pulling back or aggressively by acting out. ( Unfortunately sometimes violently. )
Men do NOT want to displease a woman sexually. He needs to feel like he can give the woman he loves HER greatest sexual experience.
A Man needs to feel his woman is satisfied after every sexual encounter with him.
He WANTS to be the best lover she has ever had.
Now I understand this is NOT always possible.
It’s also clear HIS role plays a major part in his failures IF he’s not willing to explore, learn about you, and remove certain blocks of stubbornness many men have in this area.
It’s no secret some men REFUSE to see the truth about you and your body and what it really means to be the masculine part of a couple but the fear is real and you’ll find some men go their entire lives building a lifestyle around this fear alone.
Men do not want to feel your emotions are beyond their ability to deal with.
He also needs to feel SHE is in control to a certain extent of her own emotional ups and downs.
A man needs to feel no matter what mood she is in, HE will be the one she turns towards to help ease her stress.
This fear is inherently tied to his strength of masculinity and maturity.
There is also a balance here with regards to attracting men.
If you’re constantly looking to him for the little stuff he may pull back.
If you’re always looking to someone else for the big stuff, the real stuff, he WILL feel rejected and fear you have little or no confidence in his ability to deal with it.
Now of course this is not the whole of men. We do vary in our fears and emotional maturity BUT the primitive fears working inside us are relatively the same.
This means to understand what a man really wants, that is for his attraction to be taken to the next level you must be able to give him some combination listed above.
You want to “put at ease” his fears so he feels comfortable enough to open up further with you and to reach the very important level of…
Trust and communication. Something ALL successful relationships have during the best ( and worst ) the world or our own actions throws at us.
I understand what I’ve given you today is quite broad but I do hope it has touched you a certain way you can relate to and it has helped reveal something about men you didn’t know before.
A VERY special thanks to Carlos for his brilliance on our five greatest fears in dating. It was insightful and the absolute truth about men.
He also has developed certain connection strategies you can use with men despite our fears and has put up a short article I highly suggest you read: 3 Connection Secrets About Men You Need to Know. An article I agree with.
Carlos has many powerful features to help women understand men and you’ll find a few listed on my recommendations page under Carlos Cavallo. I’d check him out when you get a chance to see which one fits your personal situation.
For now, remember this about men:
We can’t escape our fears because they will follow us wherever we go… BUT we can LEARN how to face them AND cope with them.
When we ultimately feel like a certain woman helps us learn and understands our fears better than anyone else… she’s the one who we trust more than anyone else in the world.
Once that trust is in place the communication comes much easier making a much healthier and longer lasting relationship.
Your guy friend,