Defining A Player, The Games He Uses, & Why Most Men Are Not Players

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This is not the everything guide to players because without a discussion, it's not complete; but you'll find it useful in defining a player, some of the games he plays, and 10 easy tips you can use immediately to avoid ever being played by a guy.

The REAL Player:

A REAL player is a guy who manipulates a woman's feelings or emotions with the purpose of using those feelings to get what he wants from her. Typically, after he gets what he wants he disappears with little or no contact... ever again.

The players end game is usually sex although his timeline or how quickly he wants it to happen tends to vary.

He'll do or say whatever is necessary to achieve his goals but since he's not normally a real psychopath, somewhere, in the back of his head IS a conscious.

For that very reason it can be easy for a woman to feel sorry for him and/or be sucked into his charm and fall for his game.

The game exists to him as a marker in his life achievements as in how many women he can sleep with or how many "things" he can get from women.

He seeks a trophy to show off to himself or others in the form of a short burst of confidence, a feeling of power, and a quieting of the past which haunts his present.

Players who choose to be players are searching for something in the wrong place.

They can never achieve inner completeness by using outer-game tactics and usually have a hidden misogynistic attitude towards women. I'm assuming something happened to them during childhood which sent them down the path they are on but it's not always the case.

Some men just get tired of getting nowhere with women and turn themselves into one.

I rarely have met any type of women that can be fooled by this guy for very long.

Once they are found out they must have little or no problem never cutting him off.

Which works great in his favor.

On the other side a few women DO fall in love with a player and for that reason, some of them might use her emotions for a longer period of time.

Most men are NOT players despite the overuse of the word or the label given to guys by so many heartbroken women.

Women can feel "played" by a guy who says or said he wants a relationship but then quickly backs out (or cheats or leaves quickly from one) when he's not actually playing her.

It was not his intention.

He was just as ass who committed too quickly without much hesitation or for the wrong reasons.

REAL Players are extremely rare which also makes them hard to spot.

There may not be an easy way to exactly know if a guy is a player or not because he's a con man and sometimes he's an extremely good con man BUT there are ways to avoid being played most of the time.

The 10 most effective ways to NEVER get played

  1. NEVER give him what he wants (or claims he doesn't want) for a VERY long time up to and including sex.
  2. Align yourself with his closest family and friends.
  3. Learn the real truth about his past from reliable sources and NEVER directly from him.
  4. Understand you can NOT turn a player into something more.
  5. If he acts different when you're alone with him do NOT trust his sincerity. Distance yourself quickly.
  6. Have a clear definition of a player and what that means to you personally. You want to avoid mistaking a guy who commits when he's not ready from the real player.
  7. Men make real mistakes when women are involved and if everything he says (or does) seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  8. If he talks about taking action more than action itself, it's usually a sign that he's bullshitting you or stringing you along.
  9. When you begin to suspect his answers are scripted or pre-planned it's probably because they are and he's building up to something more. Be cautious.
  10. If you notice he's using other women, in any shape or form, to encourage you to be with him or to stir jealousy, he's doing it on purpose.

*In my Ebook, "Understanding Men Made Simple - There Are Only Two Types Of Guys" I make a clear distinction between what makes a player and what doesn't by giving you two components to men. One is his character traits, the other is how he interacts with others.

Knowing this can help you easily spot a player because:

If his interactions with you are leading you to believe he's a type one but he's lacking in many of the "better man" characteristics, then not only does he have the ability and skill to play women - he probably is because a man of true integrity and high moral character will never play you.

Since type twos seriously lack in the interaction parts and some of them are really good guys - it makes playing women impossible.

For some types of players, you can read this later:

"If you've ever wondered if a guy is playing you then read this before you decide for sure. Understand the communication gap and the power it creates."

Three Types Of Guys Who Do Play Games – Does That Mean ALL Men Are Playing You?

Let's dig a little deeper into this whole "player" thing because I feel too many men are accused of playing games when in fact they're not.

Remember REAL players are rare and highly unsympathetic to women although you'll find a few of them are actually good at playing that angle.

It's also quite understandable why it's extremely difficult to spot a REAL player when you're a trusting person who is just looking for love or a relationship with a great guy.

It's easy to become confused and believe a guy is a player when he's actually not.

You'll find some men use attraction triggers, learned or not, to enhance their perceived attractiveness to women.

The occasional use of them are NOT player moves despite how it might feel. They are simply smart sometimes clever ways of getting and keeping your interest and are often done to help him appear better in your eyes.

Who doesn't want to be more attractive to people they are attract to themselves?

Their moves are very similar to women having and using any means they feel necessary to attract a guy visually. Except with guys, they must use social and personal communication because their overall appearance does little to form a deeper attractiveness.

We need to clarify a few things before we can label a guy a real player.

That means I don't find it appropriate to call every guy a "player" who does those things because his intent is NOT to play you or get something from you quickly and disappear.

#1: His end game.

What are his quick goals with you?

Shorter or purely sexual goals will have him using techniques to achieve them quicker.

There are lots of tricks ANY guy can use to sleep with a woman quicker and it's up to the individual to decide how bad or hurtful the trick is BUT we must admit, beyond how you feel towards the guy, if he holds back for an extended period of time to actually sleep with you (or try) then it's NOT appropriate to call his move a player's move.

#2: Is his "game" hurting others or using other people as pawns with intent?

Intent is very hard to prove but if other good people are being hurt, ignored quickly, not treated with respect or empathy or made to feel inferior let's assume intention is clearly there.

Lots of guys unknowingly use their social circumstance or past relationships with women to increase another woman's attraction.

Just because a guy has many good friends and a few past experiences with women does not mean he's using that to play you.

That's the difference between a player and an average guy trying to attract women.

Most average men have a clear goal --> meet women - attract women - find a compatible girlfriend - get married - have children - be happy.

Just because a guy may not follow through all the way does not make him a player. If somewhere along that path he hesitates or is not convinced does NOT mean you're being played.

The PLAYERS end game is much different --> meet women - attract women - have sex with them - move on to the next.

In my eyes that's a remarkable difference and after you sleep with him, you'll notice a sudden change in his attitude or responsiveness to you IF he's playing you.

So what are some player moves or games he uses and how might he play you?


Well first, attraction must be there. The majority of players are better than average in the looks department.

I'm not saying every good-looking guy is a player, just that MOST REAL players would be considered good-looking guys.

(We actually teach average looking guys women are less likely to trust the sincerity of a handsome man and how they can use that to their advantage.)

Take a close look into the social world of dating and you'll find better looking guys who are fewer in numbers date the majority of women consistently and for that reason - when it comes to playing a woman - this gives him a noticeable advantage.

How he creates the attraction - by his looks - how he dresses - how he communicates to you - what he does to draw you in does not matter as much as the fact he MUST create the attraction first.

A classic example is:

Let's say you see this guy at work. He's handsome and a little outgoing but there are some rumors about him. Maybe you've heard he's a player and has dated several women there already.

Just by coincidence, at least it felt like one, you two begin talking. Which, by the way, if he IS a real player this was NOT a coincidence and if he wants you, he made it happen and appear accidental.

So you get to know him a little. He slowly gives you some private info about him.

He knows you're a little attracted to him because most women are physically attracted to him anyways but he also notices you're a little hesitant.

He will then begin to play that angle by making it known he's no good.

How he doesn't deserve a relationship.

How he just trying to find a good woman but always seems to hook up with the "crazy" ones.

After attraction he will make it appear or make it known that you should NOT fall for him.

A player might promise you he just wants to settle down and be happy with the love of his life.

Me might even promise you he's not good with relationships and how no woman can change his mind.

Me also might say he doesn't "deserve" a good women.

THOSE are classic player moves here are some more:

He "unwillingly" tells you things he doesn't tell other women but I guarantee he uses that tactic on every woman in the beginning.

He's gaining your trust and at the same time proving he's pre-selected ONLY by women who are no good for him.

He'll even go so far as to tell you it's him.

How he always end up hurting them or getting hurt.

That all depends on the angle he chooses to play you and the nature of how you met and how many women you might come in contact who have dated him.

Another player move is to use her "perceived" weaknesses against her.

One example is a pretty woman with low self-esteem.

He will willingly make her feel special. He will give her lots of compliments and tell her what a great girlfriend she'd make.

Since she does not believe she's that attractive or has the ability to attract a good-looking guy, she falls for it and loves the attention. However she still has trust issues so he must then prove to her it's real and that he's being sincere.

He ups his game another notch by turning it around to himself.

This again is where he uses the last move - the "poor poor me" routine where he drip drops personal information about himself and his failed or broken past relationships.

By revealing these hidden secrets he gains her trust and can proceed to make his next move.

A few more tactics are used.


He can use one woman against another to create or increase jealousy.

Done skillfully you might not even notice it's happening but I believe most of the time, women do see through this game but for one reason or another choose to ignore it IF they are starting to fall for him anyways.

I imagine it's her competitive drive or her possible un-liking of the other woman or women in the picture.

He can act like he doesn't care or couldn't give a shit about the one woman who likes him the most AND use it to get her and other women too.

Since most of the time his end game is to get in and out quickly, knowing she likes him won't guarantee an easy escape BUT getting her to chase HIM gives him lots of quick excuses to use and avoid seeing her again after like:

She's too needy.

He's not ready.

Things are moving too quickly.

He doesn't know what he wants.

Or just ignore her as often as she is dramatic or less sexual to him.

Another move is... (again works better for good-looking guys who are charming):

He'll tell you exactly what he thinks you want to hear but will not back it up with action.

The player is often scripted with typical responses to get the reaction he is looking for therefore there is usually a web of lies just waiting to feed her.

He doesn't want to get caught because his play would be over.

The player, after she is attracted to him will make her feel like a goddess. He actually feeds her ego because he wants something from her.

He wants her to "literally" be easily bent over so he often will just tell her exactly what she wants to hear.

This includes compliments, future relationships, how he's only looking for love and doesn't settle easily, or how he hasn't met many women who DO it for him, and etc...


Since I'm not really a player it's a little difficult to come up with more player moves and what to look out for so you can avoid being played.

Feel free to add your own personal experience below or your opinion on what I've shared with you today.

Keep in mind I still stick to my original argument:

Most men are NOT players.

Women can feel "played" by a guy who says or said he wants a relationship but then quickly backs out (or cheats or leaves quickly from one) when he's not actually playing her.

It was not his intention.

He was (probably) just as ass who committed too quickly without much hesitation or for the wrong reasons.

I'm not saying his dick didn't control what he did, just that he got himself deep into something he didn't want.

"Dig down deep into all the fears men have committing to a woman and you'll understand whether guys have a real reason to be afraid of commitment."

Do Guys Have Every Reason To Be Afraid of Commitment?

Thanks for stopping by today. I do hope you found what you were looking for and that I've opened your eyes and heart to what a real player is, the games he uses, and how you can avoid or stop yourself from ever being played again.

UPDATED: Keeping up with my TWO TYPES OF MEN concept - More than generally - ONLY a type one can be a true player.

Make sure you read my free Ebook below to truly understand why that is, the real difference between the two types, and WHY a type two can never be player.

Lastly - if that's possible for me...

This is something you'll want to seriously consider to help you AVOID players, find yourself a great guy, and/or help you decide IF the guy you're seeing is a TOXIC man (bad for you) OR if he's just making mistakes.

Knowing that bit of information can make all the difference in the world for you and your relationship.

Toxic Men - 3 Steps To Transforming Your Man From “Toxic” To “Loving”.

It was written by Rori Raye and her promise to you is to help you figure out if he is bad for you or just making mistakes so you can stop treating the symptoms and get right to fixing the problem.

Granted - it's for women who are currently in a relationship with a guy and it's doubtful many of you will find yourself in one with a player BUT, based on what I've written today - a guy can be made out to be a player when in reality - he's just making some major mistakes and some really BAD decisions.

Which tells me lots of women who come to this page directly and found it in their search box - ARE in a "somewhat" unstable relationship with a guy and they are questioning if they're being played.

Give it a quick look and see if her program applies to you:

Toxic Men - 3 Steps To Transforming Your Man From “Toxic” To “Loving”.

If you're not sure who Rori is I'll give you two options - go to her Have The Relationship You Want Free Newsletter and Sign In.

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♦ Learn the insight & ability to detect if he’s for real, using you for sex, a player, a good guy, or one of those rare REAL man you DO want.

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Get A Closer Peek Into The Two Types of Guys

About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated. Let me show you how and why too. There are only two types of guys and knowing this fact changes everything. If you don’t know his type you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you.

This article was posted in Games Guys Play – Is He Playing You? Is He A Player? Don’t Get Fooled, The Many Types Of Guys – Understand His Type & You’ll Get The Why Too, What Makes A Toxic Man Bad For You – How To Avoid and Spot Them First

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16 comments… add one
  • "Angel"

    You know, there’s a guy out in rural Virginia who’d probably be pretty pissed to see what’s written here, because not only did you nail his words AND actions to the wall with better than 75% accuracy, but I’m also confident that he feels HE owns (and invented) the franchise of “play’a”. You dare to speak his secrets aloud!

    Hive 5… that’s some fine marksmanship.

    What he didn’t count on was me. I may be sweet as candy with a heart of gold, honest to a fault, but I’m no ignorant country girl. I’m not only highly intelligent; I’m also highly educated. Raised on the West Coast by parents with Ph.D’s in things like psychology and F.B.I. behavioral profiling who worked in the highest levels of government, I’ve been analyzing people’s actions since I was knee-high to a cricket.

    I know things about this dude that he doesn’t know about himself!

    I knew he was playing me. And I matched his dance step for step without ever missing a beat. He was more than a little surprised. We’ve been in this undefinable weird thing for six years now. I’ve learned so much, about people and life and love, and myself. If there is one thing I’m most proud of, it’s that I helped a man with a glass-fragile ego to see that there really are good women left in the world. This man trusts no one, on principle. He does trust me.

  • Nathalie

    Wow, wow, wow, I realize for 100% I have been played while looking at it with open eyes!!! 😲
    I am an intelligent woman with some self-esteem issues I must admit!
    Well the guy I dated for 4 weeks played it soooo well!! Have almost to say BRAVO!!!
    His background, PhD in psychology, here we go! Very smart and good looking!
    Just want and need to share how he proceeded:
    – matched on a famous app
    – directly asked what I am looking for and why I matched him (gauging the target)
    – he immediatelly started to challenge me, telling we do absolutely not fit, we are too different, dough keeping giving me attention and compliments, on which I laughed and played along.
    – he quite rapidly said that we would fall for each other and intimacy would probably be fantastic if we meet. With me, he just felt it ( OMG why didn’t I see that 😳) however we wouldn’t get along for a relationship…
    – different times telling me he was pushing is luck and I was still talking to him, most women were boring or found him boring ( he is into statistics and studies)
    – exchanging phonenumbers, not sending anything and suddenly unmatch without notice
    – I felt in the trap: sending a nice : fair enough message
    Within seconds he replied he thought I had ghosted him.
    And now the real game started!!! Trying to get to know me deeper, asking about my personality, my past,… playing the card if vulnerability very deep… I was still guarded. This for about 3 days intense chat. Where I revealed about my anxious attachment due to my past with a narcissist … on our 2nd date he told me about his narcissist dad (coincidence?) course I felt connection
    – afterwards I noticed he often used words I use and telling me ‘imagine …’ (NLP technique 🙄)
    – I still pushed him a little back, challenging him
    – COUP DE THEATRE he withdraws telling me we really are miles away concerning relationships and we’d better keeping friendly – guess what? Yep I walked with my eyes open in his trap, almost begging him not to leave. At that point he knew he got the prize and it was a matter of few days…
    – tada, he played the romantic card, gosh he is so good at making a woman feel safe and romantically desired. He treated me as a princes!!!
    His game is not only about only sex, it is about the affection and of course sex!
    He behaved as the dream boyfriend!!!
    – then off course started to fade away… less contact between dates… less affectionate…
    – we had a total of 7 dates, had 4 times amazing sex, he is very skilled.
    His game is over, 4 days no news, when I sended 1 text he replied politely and now crickets 🙄

    So yes, I saw it coming! One small part of me still hopes I am imagining this game, damn I liked the person he showed me it really looks genuine…
    Now writing this I laugh cause wow, great act! Makes me think about the movie the illusionist!
    In all honesty it stings, still don’t regret, I learned stuff for the future and about myself!!! And I had 4 times the best sex ever 🤩 ( I am 44)
    I will miss the personage he showed me dough 😔

  • Victoria

    I have been played for over three years now. He said everything you wrote in here and I fell for it.. I’m a dumbass and I moved faraway from my family and friends to be with him. Wtf is all I can say

  • Mil

    I first want to say your a awesome writer and care about people out there!
    I also have been played for few years, sad to know you have the blinders on half the time and don’t wanna believe what is happening! In the end some will never grow up, and end dying alone.
    Players absolutely have no respect for 1 self, don’t care about your feelings due to their selfishness!

    • Thank you Mil – I appreciate it and thanks for sharing. It is amazing how many things can hide from us in plain sight sometimes taking years for us to see them.

      Happy to hear your eyes are now wide open and hope it helps you avoid it from happening again.


  • Maneesha D

    Ok. I was played by a player for complete 3 years. Your article opened my eyes . Thank you

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome and thank you for sharing. Glad it helped you out. All the best.

  • DG

    This whole article is bullshit.

    • Peter White

      All of it is bullshit? C’mon, I bet you can find at least one sentence which is not total shit. 🙂 No? Oh well… thanks for voicing your opinion though. It has been noted.

  • Step Phillips

    Every time I tell him I have gotten a hold of some extra money he is always wants be around me if not he puts me on block on his phone is he playing me

  • Mary

    This and some other articles were really eye-opening!
    I have been just played by a guy and entered the ignorance phase few weeks ago.
    Well, I would say it was rather very generous open-armed “Welcome to the friend zone!”.
    It would be a lie to say that I didn’t see that coming from what he told me about his past relationships and what I could observe from his behavior with another girl. I think that rivalry spirit was what actually made me loose self-control and fall for him head over the toes.
    After he got what he wanted I suddenly discovered myself being needy. Desperate. My confidence vanished.
    My brain buzzing “What did I do wrong?” (or “I’ve lost in the rally!”))
    Just recently I’m finding the strength to see things from a different angle and here I came across your site. I couldn’t have found better words to describe the whole thing!

    Here and there you say that “real” players are rare. I’m sure he is not “real” player, misogynistic, psychopath who can strategically calculate every step. What I’m pretty sure he is one of what I would call “unconscious” players, much more wide-spread specie. Guys who do deceive themselves that they are looking for the “one” and want to “commit”, but in fact, have no idea what does this word mean, have very low self-esteem, fragile ego and crave for attention.
    They are charming, like sex, and with experience internalized some tricks how to have women fall for them. By “internalized” I mean they pretty much convinced that they are not using “tricks”, it’s just their natural charm and they really know what girls need and just giving it to them. Messiah of that brutal male world, aren’t they?
    In reality, they are simply addicted to the self-esteem burst the process gives them.
    Once they reach the peak, the girl is bent over (the stronger the better the satisfaction I believe) they suddenly feel that she is not the one, something is missing. And poor poor me I have mistaken again!
    Oh, and if she is weak enough they are pretty happy to keep that girl in the friend zone as perpetual source of gratification, “oh she is so weak, but I’m a nice guy, I’ll be a good friend and will help you to get over me!”.

    Another sign of a player (in my definition) – If he doesn’t have close male friends and surrounds himself with an army of girlfriends, shouldn’t it rise a flag?
    What do you think about it?

    • Peter White

      Great points Mary, thanks for sharing. Taught me something I did not see about a man-type and that was what you called the “unconscious” player or the guy who doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

      Yes -definitely – a guy who doesn’t have any male friends and surrounds himself with an army of girlfriend, might not always be player in my opinion but should certainly raise a ton of read flags.

      Thanks again,

    • Anne McNally

      This describes what I just went through to a”T” i was great, he was “falling for me” until we had sex …..then….there was something missing. He was still looking. WOW I have to admit he was good at what he did/does. He is online most of the time. yes, I checked obsessively…My take…he will never be happy always searching for the next “adrenaline high” It always fades

      • Lisa

        Found on his phone 3-4 women that he has been txting all very sexual remarks
        Almost the same comments he would say to me… they all including me respond back to what he wants to hear.. all have been intamite with him… I was quite disgusted. What kind of problem would you say this man has? He is very successful and handsome. Do I contact these women and let them know?

        • He is most likely basing him Ego or his worth by his conquests over women. What he lacks in power over himself and how he feels about himself and his value to the world is being sublimated with his relationships with women.

          No – it’s not up to you to tell those women UNLESS he’s doing physical harm. I understand they may suffer emotional harm so that part is up for debate BUT if you must – then make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Don’t do it out of spite or vengeance towards him – ONLY do it – your choice – for those women. IF you’re not sure WHY you want or are in touch with your deepest feelings to know the difference – don’t do it.

          Thanks for sharing Lisa – I appreciate it.

      • Sorry to hear Anne – and yes he will never be happy “until” but hopefully you’ve moved on, learned something, and also realize it’s not up to you to make him happy OR to change him.

        Thank you for sharing.

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