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Why Do Guys…?

A Few Clues That Your Guy Friend Wants To Be More Than Friends

Is he trying to get out of her friends zone?

Hi Peter. So I have a question for you. I have this guy friend, he acts interested and we text a decent amount. We have been friends for literally years. Lately he occasionally ignores my texts to “piss me off.” What gives?

I suspect he’s been trying to get out of the friendzone because his texts have been getting progressively more sexual. But I’m a truly clueless girl who doesn’t catch hints, clues or even suggestions sometimes. Help.

Hi Bell,

How did you know I am an expert on the friends zone? I do hope you haven't been stalking my blog. 🙂

One of the first steps a guy can do to get out of the friends zone is to "see or contact his friend less than he already does".

This is the distraction phase where we "distract" ourselves from our too-close attraction by doing other things which always includes getting a real education on attraction. Most guys are too deep into their friend and way too close to notice certain things.

It's highly probable this is what he's doing. I don't have any idea if he's learning it from me, some other guy, or just doing it because being around you (or always being there for you) is tough for him to emotionally handle.

Lots of guys who are "in love" with their friend will often begin to pull away. They're trying to avoid the pain of not being with you sexually or are afraid they will tell you how they feel.

"...being "stuck in the friends zone" changes a guy. Sometimes he gets more obsessed and depressed. More secluded and distant." - How Being In The Friends Zone Can Change A Guy

A man who is very deep in the friends zone is highly conflicted and emotionally torn. He also could be lonely and filled with regret. Inside his mind, jealousy is rattling around as he tries to dismiss or validate it. He's struggling to explain it away as he thinks about you and possibly "somebody" else and what it all feels like inside.

The last long step out of the friends zone is the 3rd step, the re-connection phase.

This is where we introduce our "new" selves to our friend which always must have some sort of sexual edge mixed with attraction.

Another sign he's trying to get out.

Now if he's not learning all this on his own or accidentally, chances are he's doing it as opposed to just saying how he feels.

He's "feeling" you out and seeing how far you will let him go AND hoping it will reveal your feelings for him. That way he can avoid the rejection and smooth the transition over.

If you need help figuring out if he is actually trying to get out of the friends zone, you know, whether he is feeling attraction towards you, then I'd suggest you also turn up the "sexual" edge to your conversations. Most men who are into you will happily play along with it. The only men who won't play along are the scared nice guys who are afraid to get sexual with a woman they like because they're afraid she'll see him in a bad way.

"Has a close guy friend confessed his love to you and then started acting different?" - When Your Guy Friend Tells You He Loves You, What Do You Do?

Notice his reactions or "actions" if and when you're talking about other guys you're attracted to; if you're not comfortable with that just mention guy celebrities in a cute and funny sexual way. See where he takes that conversation or how he reacts to you talking about other guys in general.

Whether a guy wants out of your friends zone usually only takes an objective look from one of your friends or from you if that's possible. Others can usually see it quite clearly if they pay attention. You can always ask them what they think too.

In your case, based on what you told me - a guy pulling away, not hanging on your every word or text anymore, AND who is turning the conversations more sexually is more than likely trying to get out IF he doesn't know he's in it.

Whether it's on purpose or not is the harder thing to just guess and get right. I will say that, based on my experience with men, they rarely seek real advice and just go with their gut... day by day.

"They avoid risking rejection, they don’t feel good enough for you but they enjoy being attracted to you." - The Acts Of A Guy Who Feels Friend Zoned

Okay Bell... as for you claiming to be a "truly clueless girl who doesn’t catch hints, clues or even suggestions sometimes" 😉 ... here is what I believe:

You're better off NOT looking for hints or clues. Women are extremely good at sensing what is going on with men or understanding social situations. It's built into you naturally and is triggered subconsciously.

When you start to think about what it all means and introduce the information consciously it can become distorted. The information will slowly mix with your self-esteem and confidence. This "overthinking" blurs your ability to make "present state" decisions.

Sometimes it's a good thing because it protects you from all sorts of real physical and emotional harm BUT mostly, in everyday real-world social situations with people it causes lots of complications.

Fear starts when our mind predicts an outcome which is based or cultivated from our past experiences. The more fear we have the less likely we're capable of living in a present state of mind which normally contains the most useful information we need in that moment.

Women who don't take the hints or feel like they are not good at it - are usually assuming something based on their past and their positive or negative outlook. Assume most men are not into you and you're more likely to miss the clues or talk yourself out of it. Assume most men are into you and you'll introduce those clues or hints when they might not be there.

Allow your body and clutter free mind to tell you what is happening and trust you were born equipped with all you need to gather the right information.

Remember - you do NOT have to use that present information to make a decision in that moment. It can be and be used just as a gathering "tool" so you can make overall better decisions.

Trust me Bell, you're not as clueless as you might believe.

When you're close to this guy and every part of your body is telling you he wants to be more than just a friend, then it's telling you all you need to know.

(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )
About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.
9 comments… add one
  • Mekayla

    Hi Pete! I’m confused on a situation that happened a few months back. I have a coworker who I thought was checking me out a little bit. Like I could always feel his eyes and head turning in my direction. Well one day out of the blue we had a fun little fight. People were there so it was nothing sexual but a few days after that I felt his persona change towards me a bit. Like we almost ran into eachother through a door and he stood there and straightened up his back and looked into my eyes and down at my
    Mouth and then finally walked around me and whispered to himself “hello,hello” . Another time I was working and I looked up and he’s walking in front of me with his friends and he turns his head straight to my boobs, his eyes sit there for awhile then he moved his head back to look straight ahead then turned his head again and stared me straight in the eyes for like 10 seconds while walking and finally after we stared into eachothers eyes his head couldn’t turn anymore and he broke eye contact. He then looked down at the ground and I saw from behind a huge smile come across his face. Then a few days later he and I were walking down a hallway facing eachother and his eyes and my eyes met then his eyes went straight down to my boobs again and then a little lower to my midriff area then he kinda tilted his head and walked into another room. I hate to keep thinking about this situation because he is married but I can’t help but try to understand if it was a sexual thing or an interest thing. I asked him about it and he denies anything happened and he doesn’t remember any of that. And that brings me to another question. Can a man forget about staring into a woman’s eyes for that long anyway?

  • Jen

    He was flirting, sexualizing and messing with you. Don’t trust that man.

  • Mekayla

    What do u believe he was trying to tell me?

    • Peter White

      Exactly what Jen wrote.

      I’m not sure if he was messing with you on purpose but that doesn’t matter that it was happening.

      You must separate interest or sexual thing especially from a married man. Based on what you wrote, it’s all sexual. Interest is something different. Interest in something more comes a little later as he’s getting to know you AND real genuine interest AFTER glazing over you sexually rarely comes from a married man who is firmly committed to his wife.

  • Mekayla

    Thank you Pete. The reason I’m confused by all
    This is because of all the eye contact he shared with me. I don’t understand why he was letting me see him do all this stuff. And honestly other signs he gave me was listening to everything I say, helping me without me asking him to, agreeing with me in everything I said, and just having real good general conversation. I worked with him a year so we did get to know eachother pretty well. And to me a married man wouldn’t react that way if he was a fully committed married man. So you believe I was just eye candy to him?

    • Peter White


      Eye candy can often lead to interest but from a married man than interest will shrink and grow based on his relationship with his wife. Making it impossible for me to tell if it’s genuine or not.

      What I don’t like is trying to figure out a married man’s interest beyond the sexual part and trying to figure out whether he’s a “fully” committed man based on his interest. This something I don’t care to encourage or even dig into deeper.

      • Mekayla

        Thank you for your honest answer Pete. I appreciate you helping me with this issue.

  • Alison

    Hi Pete

    There’s a guy I met through mutual friends who coincidentally is a client. We chat every day through over the past couple months email, asking personal qns about the weekend etc and text occasionally.

    We’ve met up a couple of times for lunch and he always pays, there’s playful teasing but we also chat about work related matters too. He’s complimented me on aspects of my personality a number of times and photos but I just don’t really know what to think since he doesn’t make plans?

  • Olivia

    Hello Peter, I have a question about a coworker, I’m sorta into him and wanted to know if he’s into me or if he wants me to leave him alone. He is around my age and I suspect he is shy, I always have to be the one to aproach him. I’m the one that leads the conversation but if I am quite for a while he starts talking.
    In the hallway he always looks away or begins messing with his jacket like he doesn’t know me but I gave him my number and he texted me about hanging out. Whenever I texted him back, he replied within the same minute and I ended up inviting him over to my house.
    He was more casual at my house, even joked around a bit and was dressed nicer then usual. I noticed that when he thought I wasn’t looking he’d look at me, then when I looked him in the eyes, he’d look away really fast.
    Then the next day of work comes and he’s back to his old self.
    Can you help me figure out what this means, I really don’t want to waste my time on someone that isn’t interested. Do you believe I came off as clingy, and if so is there any way to fix This?
    Thank you.

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