Hi Peter. So I have a question for you. I have this guy friend, he acts interested and we text a decent amount. We have been friends for literally years. Lately he occasionally ignores my texts to “piss me off.” What gives?
I suspect he’s been trying to get out of the friendzone because his texts have been getting progressively more sexual. But I’m a truly clueless girl who doesn’t catch hints, clues or even suggestions sometimes. Help.
How did you know I am an expert on the friends zone? I do hope you haven’t been stalking my blog. 🙂
One of the first steps a guy can do to get out of the friends zone is to “see or contact his friend less than he already does”.
This is the distraction phase where we “distract” ourselves from our too-close attraction by doing other things which always includes getting a real education on attraction. Most guys are too deep into their friend and way too close to notice certain things.
It’s highly probable this is what he’s doing. I don’t have any idea if he’s learning it from me, some other guy, or just doing it because being around you (or always being there for you) is tough for him to emotionally handle.
Lots of guys who are “in love” with their friend will often begin to pull away. They’re trying to avoid the pain of not being with you sexually or are afraid they will tell you how they feel.
“…being “stuck in the friends zone” changes a guy. Sometimes he gets more obsessed and depressed. More secluded and distant.” – How Being In The Friends Zone Can Change A Guy
A man who is very deep in the friends zone is highly conflicted and emotionally torn. He also could be lonely and filled with regret. Inside his mind, jealousy is rattling around as he tries to dismiss or validate it. He’s struggling to explain it away as he thinks about you and possibly “somebody” else and what it all feels like inside.
The last long step out of the friends zone is the 3rd step, the re-connection phase.
This is where we introduce our “new” selves to our friend which always must have some sort of sexual edge mixed with attraction.
Another sign he’s trying to get out.
Now if he’s not learning all this on his own or accidentally, chances are he’s doing it as opposed to just saying how he feels.
He’s “feeling” you out and seeing how far you will let him go AND hoping it will reveal your feelings for him. That way he can avoid the rejection and smooth the transition over.
If you need help figuring out if he is actually trying to get out of the friends zone, you know, whether he is feeling attraction towards you, then I’d suggest you also turn up the “sexual” edge to your conversations. Most men who are into you will happily play along with it. The only men who won’t play along are the scared nice guys who are afraid to get sexual with a woman they like because they’re afraid she’ll see him in a bad way.
“Has a close guy friend confessed his love to you and then started acting different?” – When Your Guy Friend Tells You He Loves You, What Do You Do?
Notice his reactions or “actions” if and when you’re talking about other guys you’re attracted to; if you’re not comfortable with that just mention guy celebrities in a cute and funny sexual way. See where he takes that conversation or how he reacts to you talking about other guys in general.
Whether a guy wants out of your friends zone usually only takes an objective look from one of your friends or from you if that’s possible. Others can usually see it quite clearly if they pay attention. You can always ask them what they think too.
In your case, based on what you told me – a guy pulling away, not hanging on your every word or text anymore, AND who is turning the conversations more sexually is more than likely trying to get out IF he doesn’t know he’s in it.
Whether it’s on purpose or not is the harder thing to just guess and get right. I will say that, based on my experience with men, they rarely seek real advice and just go with their gut… day by day.
“They avoid risking rejection, they don’t feel good enough for you but they enjoy being attracted to you.” – The Acts Of A Guy Who Feels Friend Zoned
Okay Bell… as for you claiming to be a “truly clueless girl who doesn’t catch hints, clues or even suggestions sometimes” 😉 … here is what I believe:
You’re better off NOT looking for hints or clues. Women are extremely good at sensing what is going on with men or understanding social situations. It’s built into you naturally and is triggered subconsciously.
When you start to think about what it all means and introduce the information consciously it can become distorted. The information will slowly mix with your self-esteem and confidence. This “overthinking” blurs your ability to make “present state” decisions.
Sometimes it’s a good thing because it protects you from all sorts of real physical and emotional harm BUT mostly, in everyday real-world social situations with people it causes lots of complications.
Fear starts when our mind predicts an outcome which is based or cultivated from our past experiences. The more fear we have the less likely we’re capable of living in a present state of mind which normally contains the most useful information we need in that moment.
Women who don’t take the hints or feel like they are not good at it – are usually assuming something based on their past and their positive or negative outlook. Assume most men are not into you and you’re more likely to miss the clues or talk yourself out of it. Assume most men are into you and you’ll introduce those clues or hints when they might not be there.
Allow your body and clutter free mind to tell you what is happening and trust you were born equipped with all you need to gather the right information.
Remember – you do NOT have to use that present information to make a decision in that moment. It can be and be used just as a gathering “tool” so you can make overall better decisions.
Trust me Bell, you’re not as clueless as you might believe.