≡ Menu
Why Do Guys…?

When Your Guy Friend Tells You He Loves You, What Do You Do?

He’s in love with his friend and it’s driving him crazy because he won’t or do anything about it.

Theres this guy who is like my best friend. We used to talk everyday and I was a little shy so he would start the conversation everytime. He’d tease me often telling me that he had to confess something and then one day he wrote, I Love you. I thought it was one of his jokes so I kind of didnt give a very good reply. Ever since that day he stopped replying often, he wouldn’t start the conversations. I asked him several times what was wrong but he just didn’t tell me the reason and now hes like a completely different person. He won’t reply even if he’s online and I have to message him. What do I do?

Hello Marilyn,

If you didn't know it, I'm more than a self-proclaimed expert of the dreaded "friends zone".

Not only have I put lots of women in my friends zone I have also lived there myself for more years than I would care to admit.

All that aside, let's just say I know how he feels.

Your friend is obviously in love with you and he has been since he's known you. Now I'm sure at first it was attraction but he quickly convinced himself it was a genuine love and kept this secret from you. It's exactly what guys do who are in this predicament.

He will hint it or as you wrote, "tease me often telling me that he had to confess something" because he wanted you to see it for yourself. The last thing he wanted to do was tell you because he knew it would ruin everything including the relationship you already have.

He actually wanted YOU to confess your feelings BEFORE he was willing to open up and since that didn't happen, his emotional buildup becomes unbearable. As his thoughts progress and his feelings begin to deepen for you, an explosion is not far off...

Some men run. Some men hide. Some bury it deep. Some men feel a gnawing pain which won't go away until they let out their secret of love.

In his case, he felt like if he didn't tell you soon the pain inside would destroy him and by now I'm positive it was seeping its nasty way into all areas of his life.

When all this played out and he couldn't bear being "in love" with you but not "with you" romantically he confessed his feelings in words. Something I would NOT recommend to any guy in his situation.

Now that you know a little about what goes on in the mind of a guy you can easily see how his actions became completely based on your reaction.

He built up this story in his head about what would happen and it didn't.

You didn't confess your love for him. You didn't jump up and grab him and kiss him. You didn't wrap your arms around him. You didn't play out the movie he had created the whole time he's been friends with. Tweaking and rewriting it "ad lib" style with hopes the new plot will come to life.

And now he feels, among many others thing... Helplessly rejected!

He's dejected (can I use that word here 🙂 ) and wants to crawl under a rock.

He's Sad because he believes he's ruined everything and can never be with you.

Guilty because he's led you to believe something else about your friendship.

Even more guilt because he feels he's been lying to you and quite possibly used the friendship angle to get close to you making him feel like a manipulative person.

He's having trouble facing you because the mere sight of you reminds him of all these emotions and I'm betting he wishes it would just all go away or disappear.

Regretful and hurt.

You will not get a good response asking him what's wrong because as you can see, he's expecting you to know AND by telling you again brings up all the same emotions mentioned above.

AND, as strange it sounds, asking a guy what's wrong is like telling him he's wrong and it often is emasculating. Men like to believe they're strong enough to handle their emotional problems.

My best advice to you is to:

#1. Give him some time to rationalize what has happened and what he did and what you didn't do. In other words don't pester him. Space is very important here.

#2. In the meantime you need to consider how YOU feel. What YOU want. Where YOU want to take things. This next thing is very important, you must play with the idea that nothing will be the same again between you two AND there's a very good chance your friendship is now forever changed.


#3. Refrain from asking him what is wrong. Start by saying something like, "Do you love me?" with a smile and see how he responds. If he fights it or denies it, he needs more time.

At this point how he responds and how you're feeling towards him and the friendship will certainly become more clear. Mind you not easy to deal with, just more clear.

I can NOT be more honest about this next part Marilyn.

Nothing you say or do will change what he has to experience and live through himself.

No matter what words you feel will work, NOTHING will change his love for you and this is something he needs to comes to terms with himself. Trust me he will feel this for a long time. It won't just disappear overnight.

The women I did this too I am NOT in love with anymore and aside from if it really was love is debatable, it took me at least 3 months to move on. Depends on his ability with women it could take longer or shorter.

If you must reject him, do it honestly.

Don't do things because you want to spare his feelings. That will only make matters worse for him.

Do NOT tell him "You're a great guy BUT...".

Do NOT tell him "You're a nice guy BUT..." because you will only make him feel worse and from one friend to another, when you tell a guy that what he's hearing is entirely different.

Men hear this, "I'm not attracted to you because you're nice." or "I don't like you because I don't want a great guy." or "Being nice or great or good means nothing to me when it comes to guys I will become romantically involved."

#4. You've made it this far so the next step is not take it personal IF you have no attractive feelings for him. It's NOT your fault. You must not feel guilty.

#5. If he still isn't responding to you or opening up to you there's nothing I know of which will change that unless you feel the same way about him. Give it some more time get on with your life and let him go through his personal emotional cycle.

Your friendship with him can be saved but not at first.

It will be too awkward for him and will become extremely difficult for you to see him in any other way and he knows it.

However, over time and with the introduction to new women in his life AND if he goes through the normal grief stages in a healthy way he'll get over it and the friendship will start something new.

Just don't force it.

Stay away from making him feel like less than a man, don't try to hook him up with other women, don't try to downplay his feelings and make him feel like they are not valid, and he'll be less likely to get stuck in the friends zone mode for too long.

Wishing you all the best and please, let me know how it all plays out if you get a chance. I'm certainly interested in hearing it.

(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )
About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.
5 comments… add one
  • Sarah

    So there’s this guy I like, but I don’t know what’s going on with him. He is of the more popular clique, but he’s the one who started approaching me last year (talking to me in class, asking to text). I hadn’t even really paid attention to him before then, but I started getting feelings for him as we continued talking. A couple of times he called me beautiful and was so amazing, and asked if maybe we could hang out more in school so I said sure. He told me he was lacking a girlfriend, and I had previously been a relationship where my boyfriend was really clingy and I didn’t really want to go back to that again. So, despite my feelings for him, I got scared and said “oh, I’m sorry” and changed the subject.
    Eventually he suddenly stopped talking to/texting me, and told me he didn’t like me, which made me angry so I said I didn’t like him either. That all happened within a few months.
    Fast forward to this year, I gave him a lot of space for the first half of the year, but then I started missing him a couple days ago, so I texted him again. He responded, but took a while to do so. Then we started snap chatting, and… I don’t know. He answered.. But wasn’t as into the conversation as he was last year, but I’m not sure if that’s cuz he just doesn’t like me anymore, or if he treats all girls like this or… I’m just really confused.

    • Peter White

      Hi Sarah,

      When you reject a guy, this is what happens. You can’t expect a guy to keep acting the same way after. It’s just not going to happen. I don’t care how much the guy tries to hide it – after rejection, the interactions may never be the same again.

      I wouldn’t believe it for one second when he said he didn’t like you. Think of what you did – when you got angry, you told him you didn’t like him too.

      BUT you didn’t really mean it, did you? So neither did he.

      Why either one of you would tell someone you don’t like them because you’re angry with them is probably a “young” thing 🙂 and I do hope both of you grow out of it.

      My suggestion (for both of you) would be to (in the very least) replace “I don’t like you.” with “I’m angry.”

      So…. he’s angry with you because he feels rejected. If he didn’t feel angry or rejected THEN that’s a sign he doesn’t care or like you.

      People just don’t become emotional over someone or something they don’t care about.

      Your guy friend,


  • Rebecca

    So I’ve been friends with this guy for a good few years and I’ve recently realised that I do in fact have a crush on him. He’s been giving me a lot of hints over the past years that he likes me for example: calling me ‘the prettiest girl in the world’, constantly complimenting me, looking and raising his eyebrow at me when I said ‘why is the legal age for marriage 16? Who even finds the love of their life at 16?’, and touching me when I was talking to my other guy friend who was sitting next to him. But now I’ve finally realised my feelings, he’s been avoiding me. I don’t even think he knows that I like him yet. Anyway, we still talk (ish) but whenever I try to start a conversation, he just dismisses me and goes away. He did this last year as well (but soon returned to complimenting me) but this time I decided to ask him about it. I texted him, seeing as he kept leaving when I would try to talk to him, and he left me on read. Why???? I’m so confused – doesn’t he like me? Does he not? Why is he repeating his actions if he’s going to go back to shoving hints in my face? Please help – he means a lot to me even as a friend and I would hate to lose him.

    • Love master

      Hey Rebecca, I don’t know if this will help but I may answer you with what I know anyway. I won’t make it long so here it goes: the guy you like is yet so young and maybe he is confused with his feelings. Maybe you aren’t his ideal type but he finds himself falling for you and tries to battle himself in a way. That day when you finally realised your feelings for him, you may not have realised but maybe your feelings started to show when your around him. As of for my personal experience, that guy you like is probably avoiding you for three possible reasons #1 maybe he just played with your feelings #2 he likes you and denys it so he trys to avoid you to prevent himself from liking you more #3 or he just sees you as a friend despite all those flirting so he tried to distance you of. Give him some more time and confront him one day. It’s better for you to tell him in person and cut the chase. Guys aren’t that hard to read you’ll see how he feels if you cut the chase and talk to him.

  • Brandi

    Hey Peter,
    So I started working with this guy about a year ago, and have gotten to know him really well since then. About 6 months ago he started texting me more and more often, going out of his way to try to get more time with me outside of work, ect. I clearly read the signs, so one night after he texted me, I replied in an effort to be up front with him. I said I was I getting the impression he liked me, and I blatantly told him I didn’t like him back and had no feelings toward him (still 100% true). He admitted to it, saying there were just a lot of good qualities he saw in me and wanted in a future partner, but he said he understood and the conversation ended cordially. We saw each other as work the following week, everything was normal. Since then, I’ve had 2 more conversations with him essentially saying I feel like he’s crossing a line–I’ve made it crystal clear that I don’t like him and I feel like he’s still holding on to this crush, which is his choice, but it’s really starting to aggravate me. In the latest conversation a couple weeks ago he used terminology that seemed to be bordering on “love” now, which I was a little shocked at because I had made my intentions so clear to him from the start of the friendship…anyways, he said didn’t want anything “to change between us” and that he shouldn’t have told me. So we kept texting and hanging out like normal, but I feel like our interactions meant much more to him than they do to me, like he was reading into my actions way too much, so I told him this past week I needed space from the friendship and that I feel disrespected that he won’t take his own space to get over me out of respect for me and how I feel towards him. He replied saying all his actions have been sheerly out of friendship and I was reading everything wrong. I don’t think so.

    I do wanna be friends with him down the road, as of now I’ve continued to live my own life and stopped communicating with him…is this the right thing to do? I don’t want him to be hurt, but just be-boppin along like everything is the same seems unfair to me, and especially to him. What’s your opinion?
    Thank you!

Leave a Comment