“Why in the world do guys think it’s okay to sleep with someone then when they know they’re hurting over something else and then pull the “lets just be friends” card…? “
Guys who will sleep with you when you’re emotionally stressed ( or feeling damaged ) and not think twice anything about what it’s doing to you emotionally.
You have to understand how us guys typically work.
Our emotional spikes are narrow but extremely long.
We experience the intensity which can be very high and it usually lasts for a reasonable amount of time.
We don’t “appear” to be bombarded with a mixture of emotions women tend to experience. Well at least it’s not predominant and from my “manly” perspective I don’t get a rush of different feelings. They bounce around jumping from one to the next.
Since some guys will never explore the inner working of the female mind and they can’t actual experience it first hand directly, they will project what they’re experiencing on to you.
They believe, or take it as a “matter of fact” how women interpret those feelings, or feel them the same way.
It’s one reason guys have trouble communicating to women because they’re sort of working from two different “books.”
This ultimately leave some men to believe…
Having sex CAN be just about having sex to US so it must be just as easy for her.
When in fact I’d say it’s mostly NOT, especially when you’re emotionally stressed.
That’s “normally” why they think it’s okay ( or find it easy ) to go from friendship to sex and back to friendship again and continue that cycle for a very long time.
It also happens more IF and ONLY if the guy feels like he already has the girl and can get her whenever he wants because he’s lowered her status below a long-term relationship possibility.
Your first answer is:
Some of us don’t feel the need to be emotionally involved to have sex with a woman and assume women work the same way.
Now that’s the typical answer.
The other side is that they actually don’t believe it’s “Okay.”
They know it’s probably wrong BUT either their real choices in women are not living up to their expectations ( they settle because of their own self-esteem ) OR… More commonly…
They have little empathy for the woman they’re sleeping with or have slept with under the conditions above and this is where it gets much more complicated.
I don’t want to say it but this might be more common than the one above.
People actually do sleep together out of empathy. Perhaps it’s a temporary fix to a long-term emotional problem which can include anything to marital, family, recent deaths, and so on.
BUT… in a strange twist:
When a guy with little value to HIS choices in life meets or gets involved with a woman who needs or demands more empathy than average, not all necessarily THAT bad, his own empathy towards her decreases and he may find it easier to rationalize his CHOICE.
Making it easier for him to sleep with her with very little “external” remorse for his decision.
I say external because I’m not entirely sure of his internal thought process I only know mine.
Which would be guilt, remorse, and try to push it aside; because of our ability to “compartmentalize” our feelings it bubbles up from time to time but can allow us to keep things “separate.”
Put as simple as I can:
We may find it easier to sleep with a woman with little emotional investment and assume she can do it too.
We’re not interested in anything long-term AND if we feel we can “be with you” anytime we want, makes the friendship shift all too easy for us.
We also tend to assume, because it’s impossible to experience the female mind for ourselves, how we experience and deal with a mixture of emotions is the same for you.
We might be good at separating our feelings which could allow us to shut things out, up to and including empathy and it would explain our ability to detach ourselves from the woman we just slept with.
Like the boy who “cried wolf” when certain men experience a woman who HE believes is acting too needy, or too demanding of attention, and is always looking for empathy he might not take her seriously and will pull back his empathy.
The last one is the so-called “other” side of this answer which hurts a little.
It’s not WHY guys can do this… it’s that we ALLOW it to happen to us.
As one of my mentors said, “We ACCEPT the behavior” or better put,
You Don’t Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men. Keeping a Man Interested in You and What To Do With The Right One.
I realize this sounds like a judgement or how I’m taking the blame off of men but I’m not.
Men who do this are clearly using a bad situation a woman might be in to their sexual advantage.
Which is not something I would condone OR even care to defend.
However I do believe this “sleeping” issue brings up something deeper. Something about our self-esteem which in part appears to be doing us good but often is not.
One pillar of self-esteem ( according to Nathaniel Branden and noted by Brian Johnson here ) is The Practice Self-Responsibility.
However a problem arises when we avoid practicing the other pillars such as The Practice of Self-Assertiveness.
We allow things to happen to us and since we accept the consequences, or believe we’re practicing Self-Responsibility or Self-Acceptance and we feel better about the choice we’re making.
When in fact that very choice is making us unhappy and we’re not feeling emotionally sound enough to practice Self-Assertiveness or to resist having sex when we’re feeling unstable or unsure about the situation.
We feel helpless, unprepared, or unable due to circumstances to remove the people from our lives who are causing us physical or emotional harm based on our “situation” in life.
We require respect from those around us but do not know how to achieve it directly and believe sex might be the only way and it could very well be the only way to get close to someone.
We also seek approval by means which actually gives us less approval and act from our frustrations instead of strength.
All that ( and more ) can easily decrease empathy from those we’re in consistent close contact with so they become numb to our emotional spikes.
These are not excuses or judgments against the person allowing it to happen.
I try to NEVER FORGET: Modern social upbringing in no way prepares us correctly to deal with the issues of esteem and confidence.
However the facts remain…
Guys WILL sleep with women who are under emotionally duress because they feel little actual remorse for their actions and the consequences:
- Their empathy towards the woman has either decreased or never existed in the first place.
- They can and do feel an emotionally detachment from sex and believe women can do it too.
- They have very few actual choices with women and will take whatever they can, whenever it comes.
- They will ignore their guilt as a trade-off for a deep need for intimacy.
- They may have a “damaged” self-esteem and ( knowingly or not ) allow their sexual desires control their actions.