How To Get His Attention Without Looking Desperate or Scaring Him Away

Tough Get His Attention

Ok Pete. I like reading a lot of this. It makes a lot of sense (well some of it anyways lol) my own personal question I have is...

How do u express to a man that you’d like more attention without freaking him out & scaring him away? Even if its not for a legitimate relationship.

Danielle, attention is a very odd thing because when we seek it out we tend to act out of frustration to get it. It usually has us acting childish like a kid "acting out" or a guy trying to prove his confidence by pounding his fists against his chest or by being overly loud and obnoxious.

When we become indifferent, or even blatantly uncaring, attention seems to follow us around because it engages curiosity and some people can not resist. We wonder why someone is ignoring us, or why they don't seem to care, or what it all means in the grand scheme of life.

So your answer is sort of a psychological phenomenon which has riddled and teased many people for the entire course of humankind.

And now you've put it on me... thanks!!!

First you should study this post written not too long ago because it is sort of connected to what you're asking:

Why The Guys You Like Don’t Want You But You Don’t Want The Ones Who Do.

Second let's assume if you bring it up, badger a man for attention, or demand it, you know as well as I do it rarely works and when it does it's not done for the right reasons.


You want the attention to come from a place where it means more. Like he's not doing just to shut you up or appease you.

You want it to be a genuine feeling or reciprocation because of something he has no control over - attraction or love or even friendship.

That is where you'll find the answer.

Men who feel uncontrollably attracted to a woman, whether it's a friendship or more, a marriage or even a sexual affair...

Will give you ALL the attention you need and depending on the guy you're dealing with.

Sometimes too much attention because he's needy, desperate, clingy, or approval seeking.

Sometimes too little because he's scared, worried he'll push you away, not sure when to give it and when NOT to give it, or has many other women or problems in his life, basically selfish or self-centered or even in high demand from other women.

The key here Danielle is definitely in the post above AND it's about creating attraction first and foremost.

Here my own list of: The Top Ten Things That Guys Are Attracted To

Giving a man every reason to WANT to pay attention to you because you make him feel like no other woman can.

I understand that's a tough concept to get a handle on.

How you might have to re-work or re-think or learn what attracts men and keeps them coming back for more BUT it's by far the more beneficial path and in the end, much easier to accomplish.

I teach my guys this...

Do as little as possible to attract and you'll be much better off.

Less work trying to control them = more beneficial results because they try so hard to make a woman happy so she'll like them more or pay attention to them BUT they don't understand...

A woman is happiest (with regards to relationships of all sorts) when she feels attraction even if it depresses her or not.

It's always better to feel something over nothing.

And since her happiness is contained with her own mind and concepts or ideas of what happiness is, he can't change that.

To make a woman happy - keep doing what it takes to attract her.

And I believe the same works for guys too.

It will also stop you from being clingy, freaking him out, or scaring the RIGHT guy away.

(Yes some men will run but that has nothing to do with YOU at all. Those are mostly his issues and reluctance to deal with HIS life.)

I've pulled together some clever quotes from the people who "sort of" taught me to help you.

Keep in mind the first rule or why men and women tend to want more what they feel they can not have and the second rule of attraction first because without attraction there's little hope for anything else.

Luckily attraction comes in many forms so try not to fall into the trap that it's all by physical sight alone.

"The mentality you should have is that a relationship is NOT the only thing you have going for you."

Overcoming Myths About Men – Mistakes, Love, and What Guys Are “Into”

You can get more "natural attention" from a guy or men in general if you have a fulfilling life WITHOUT them.

Make yourself unavailable by doing more things you love and invite or find others to join you.

The post below has some more great information on getting the attention you want naturally.

"When you think about the dating scene, what do you believe are the necessary “selling points” you need to get a guy’s attention?"

How To Be The Girl That Guys Want To Date

Men normally liked being chased by women IF and this a biggie, IF they have little or no options themselves.

The ones who do have options will let you chase them BUT that's because they're enjoying the Ego trip or because they don't know how to reject you.

Rori says it best here and I believe it's a major factor in getting more attention.

"Lure Him, Don’t Chase Him.

For a man to feel like he wants to get closer to you, he needs to feel good around you.

And the way he feels good around you is when he pleases you.

As long as you seem happy to see him and tell him how much you enjoy his company, a man will keep coming back for more.

Stay in your feminine energy by being receptive and open to his attention."

Are You Chasing Him And Don’t Even Know It? Showing Too Much Interest

If you know how to tease a man right, follow the guidelines above, AND he has to work just a little harder for you over some "other" women in his life... getting more attention won't be a problem at all.

Teasing is about pushing and pulling, tension and release, mystery, excitement, walking away at just the right moment, and so much more.

But it's clear to see with all that in place... what guy would not keep coming back for more. 😉

"When you shower him with affection, attention, dinners, gifts, and always go out of your way to drive to his place, it makes him think of you as a mother or a friend instead of inspiring his emotional desire for you."

How To Show Him You’re A Great Catch, Who You Are & Put Yourself First

When you find yourself always giving, giving, and giving to someone they tend to expect it, have less respect for it, rely on it, and lower the value of the giving because, as noted above, if a guy doesn't have to work for YOUR attention a little, he's less likely to give you the attention you want or need.

We're not saying to never give a guy anything - that's absurd, but if you want more attention there must be a balance of receiving too.

The next quote says so much I had to include it.

Read it slowly and take note on what type of guy gets scared and runs away.

"So many times I hear women talk about how they don’t ever want to come off as needy, “bitchy”, pushy, etc. with guys. And often times, women will say something like, “I don’t want to scare him off…”

Two things are important to know here about asking questions and finding out the “real deal” early on: Only IMMATURE men who already have fears and resistance to commitment and relationships will actually get “scared off” IF a woman asks questions in a mature, playful, and conversational way.

The upside here is that emotionally mature and open guys will be drawn in, not pushed away.

In fact, direct questions, communicated in the right way, are THE KEY to figuring out what kind of guy you’re dealing with – plus they provide you with all kinds of answers about the man’s real character and mindset by his response."

Attracting Men and How To Make A Great First Impression With No Games by Christian Carter

The last piece of the puzzle of attention is definitely COMMUNICATION.

How you talk to a guy.

How much fun playful humor is involved.

How safe he feels opening up to you.

Making the right kind of impression on a guy tends to lead to more attention from the RIGHT guy.

The plain simple truth is...

Men who give a woman all the attention she could ever want just FEEL like she GETS him like no other woman can.

They share a real connection and it's one reason why he keeps coming back to her.

The women who all too easily got my attention never really had to ask me to explain something to them... they just got what I was saying and I'm sure even if they had no clue what the hell I was talking about, somehow pretended beyond a reasonable doubt.

So Danielle...

You want to be more paid attention to:

Make sure you feel like your life is worth paying attention for yourself and do everything within your power that above everything else - YOU are interested in YOUR life first.

Then invite others to join your happiness.

Make sure the attraction is there first by using your natural feminine ways to LURE a man and being open to receive just as much as you can give.

Flirt, tease, and leave some mystery to engage his curiosity just enough.

Don't just give away everything for free. Men value women more if they have to work for HER attention too.

These last few articles deal with those issues a little and I definitely suggest you read through them.

This last part is for you personally because I know you, a little.

In my life I've had to do things which I fought because I felt I was changing the core of who I was.

Being a musician I was always banging on things, shuffling my feet, expressing my energy through rhyme and rhythm.

Little did I know they were often seen as nervous ticks, not being assured of myself, lack of confidence, and so high-strung that I could not deal with life's little setbacks.

I refused to "deal with those habits" objectively because I honestly felt it was just who I was and if people didn't like it... fuck 'em!!!

What I finally realized what people were seeing, because of those ticks, were actually WHO I WAS ON THE INSIDE and had little to do with my musical talents.

Now I still on occasion let them slip but since I've done so much work, when it happens it doesn't mean as much and just by changing those habits did NOT change the core person I am.

In order to change them I had to go to places inside me which, when dealt with objectively, removed those habits with very little outward effort at all.

So in your case...

I hear you. I get it.

I understand the level of your voice feels like a part of you BUT, as in my case above, comes from a place inside you which is probably screaming for attention.

That will make it more difficult to get the "real" attention you seek because people judge other people based on your actions and how you present those actions to them.

You and I have no control over that and although it sucks to be judged, let's admit to ourselves there's something deeper going on which is causing it in the first place despite what the world sees.

This internal struggle is yours and yours only and I feel by dealing with the issue at the root cause will inevitable change the external.

And when it's done for yourself and your own happiness or your own fulfillment...

You can get more "natural attention" from a guy or men or even ALL people if you have a fulfilling life WITHOUT them.

I'm not suggesting it will change everything or solve every problem you might experience or run into, in the grand scheme of being born and then dying it's minimal.

But it's a start.

A personal friend to friend suggestion.

Just so you know, for years I had a whiny nasally voice which I hated and it certainly turned women off but now, given the right circumstance... well I won't get into the details of the real power of my voice and what it has accomplished.

Remember this:

Your voice can lure men in and turn them on like no one could ever imagine.

Men become highly attracted to the female voice alone.

A woman's vocal inflections and style can literally stir lots of men's sensual attention and I just feel every woman should use every advantage she has when it comes to a man's attraction.

All the best to you Danielle... Well you know my name.

Thank You For Sharing

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This article was posted in How To Get His Attention, Gain His Interest, & Attract The Right Guy

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14 comments… add one
  • Fedra

    I went on a date w a guy and had a great time. We text here and there. I try not to text first cause I don’t want to come across as clingy but I am interested. He texts like once a week and it’s hard to tell if he is as interested as I am. What can I do to lure him in and show him how I feel w out being pushy or needy??

  • Renaja

    So there’s this guy I’m highly attracted to. He is 10 years younger than me and is a musician. I have been divorced over 5 years now and celibate for 11 almost 12. I madevit clear that I don’t sleep around and I am not interested in anything casual. I don’t want him to think I am hitting on him so I am letting it be. I have a good career that I enjoy, I am busy bit I make my own schedule and it gives me time to do the things I want to do. I live alone but I have fantastic friends and a full life. I travel and enjoy life as often as I can. He tours the country and plays drums in a band so I understand he is very busy. We’ve talked and had great conversations but when I don’t start them, he doesn’t and I’m afraid if I never started a conversation we would never talk. I wonder if because I am older, he wants me to take the lead. I don’t want that. I am just at a standstill now. I wish I could have something more than silence with him but I fear I won’t. Help!
    ~ Lost in infatuation

    • Sorry to hear about your divorce. It must’ve been tough.

      However, no matter the pain you feel, I’m not one to hold back the truth so PLEASE take it for what it is, no harm, no judgement, just a hopeful awakening for you to move on.

      If you’re only getting silence from a man and you’re ALWAYS the one to break it – it simply means, he’s not interested in you.

      You can use the reasoning as being too old or whatever you want, but it won’t change a thing. You’re infatuated and living in a world you created for yourself to make you feel safe and better about yourself. Probably because of your past experiences with men or even just one man, and your beliefs of love and life.

      No – just because you’re older does not mean he wants you to take the lead. Most men, when given the opportunity to step up and attract a lady, do it, because it makes them feel great.

      Now – what you wrote tells me a lot, although I will admit I’m not always right, just my GUT instinctual reaction based on, well, my experiences, knowledge, and strange way of seeing things for how they really are.

      So first – please, NEVER tell a man that you don’t sleep around and not interested in something casual. I’m not going to list the reasons, this is not a paid advice session – just don’t do it. All you have to do is NOT accept something (casual sex, sleeping around, etc…) – so in reality there’s no need to say it. Saying it, only sets up what I’ve seen is very similar to your situation. There are far BETTER ways to attractively communicate to a man than blatant honesty that you think will weed out the players and sex-seekers – because truthfully, it doesn’t work as good as you think it does.

      Secondly – you have, as you mentioned this great life, then WHY are you not meeting men who are interested in you? What is stopping you? Why are you falling for this guy, becoming infatuated with the one guy who won’t give it back, and not out there meeting men who are INTO you?

      These questions are not meant to put you down, just something you need to ask yourself to help you better fix the problem(s) you’re having or experiencing at this point in your life.

      Meaning – this, what you wrote, is certainly not your whole story, I’m reading between the lines and something else is going on which goes above and beyond your experience with your current infatuation.

      Get to the root of that, and you’ll find the REAL answers you seek.

      Your standstill – yeah, it sounds like something else, more like an avoidance, an easy way out, an easy (fall in love with a guy where nothing will happen) – it’s a deflection, a means to avoid facing the truth…

      But the truth is what you need to see – to move on – to find the man perfect for you.

      You’re not lost in infatuation, you’ve wandered there to avoid something else, and that something else is where your true answers and solutions will be.

      All the best and hope you take it all kindly, I mean no harm – I only know how to speak like this…


  • Carey

    Also, my best friend called me one day to tell me, “Carey, you’re my light.” What do guys mean by that? IS it more than friendship?

  • Tiffany

    For a while me and this guy ever since middle school have been physically attracted to each other. We’ve spoken once and because of my shyness I have never been able to give him smile , we just stare at each other and don’t smile.Were now both in college now and a year ago we came across each other, I walked passed him and without even looking at his entire face I recognized him instantly and he quickly recognized me too but he seemed really shocked to see me. He just walked passed me with his head turned and stared in my eyes which felt intense and I was too nervous to even look at him. My heart was pounding. I know I should move on but, its like I can see his face in my mind sometimes. I recently got an instagram account and saw that he has one. Should I follow him?I don’t want to seem like a creep…..
    Maybe try and speak to him possibly idk
    I also want to move on but, I always wanted to know what he thought about me.

    • Tiffany

      One more thing i hadn’t seen him in four years before we came across each other on campus that day.

    • Peter White


      First RELAX!! Hahaha!!! Go ahead and follow him. Just don’t wait around to make contact. Do it as quickly as possible. I would always suggest you talk in person before you start an internet thing but it’s not the worst thing. Do whatever comes and feels natural to you.

      And one more thing… men are less likely to see a woman’s action as creepy. It’s more of a woman to guy thing. Stalker would be the correct term here but as long as you’re not actually “trolling” him or liking his stuff BEFORE you start a conversation (in person or not) chances are he won’t think you’re stalking him even IF he accuses you of it. It’s normally a flirty thing when a guy accuses a woman of stalking him.

      So relax… bring up the past with him, you have that in common, and see what happens.

      Your guy friend,


      • Tiffany

        Okay Peter so I went and followed him, which he accepted but he didn’t request to follow me back so…….is that some type of rejection? ? But than again I just started my instagram account so I don’t have much on my profile yet except a picture of me. But friends from facebook follow me so….. I don’t know what to think.

        • Tiffany

          So what did I do?

        • It’s not necessarily a rejection. Maybe he’s just not sure what to think about what it means or what you intend to do now that you’re following him. BUT he now knows you’re interested in him. The next step is to start a conversation with him.

          People follow me on Twitter and I rarely if ever will follow them back because I don’t want to weed through all their posts AND because if their account isn’t helpful to the people who follow me, it makes little sense for me to follow them back.

          Also, keep in mind that most people will always opt for more followers than people they follow. It just looks “cooler”. 🙂

        • Tiffany

          Okay, thank you Pete for taking the time to respond to me, I appreciate the work that you do and providing advice to people.
          For some reason the thought of communicating with him scares me because it’s been soooo long. He was part of the popular crowd back in middle and high school. The time that we had spoken once was because we had like a little group project. But now idk what say and I feel like he’s gonna flake on me or make fun of me if I message him. When I was around him I felt insecure and not good enough. Maybe it was because of race. I’m in a relationship right now too. My bf doesn’t know about this. I just wanted to break the awkwardness.

  • Carey

    My best guy friend (who I am madly in love with) had a horrible day yesterday at work and in his personal life. He knows that I was in love with him at one point, but he thinks I firmly friend-zoned him when he felt like he couldn’t adequately provide what he thought a relationship needed. Long story, but he was chasing me like crazy, but because of our distance, his unpredictable work schedule and kid schedule, he never could find the time to “date” me per se and said I should date other people.

    He also said the magic words of, “I’m not ready” because he is currently divorcing (separated over a year now). It was a pretty sudden shift that left me heartbroken for a bit. However, we are still the best of friends and text each other every day. Lately, once he knew I had started seeing another guy, he has called me every day first thing in the morning.

    But, back to yesterday. He and I had an argument and I failed and cried which I hate to do. He offered to sing to me to make me smile again, but I denied him. I pointed out to him that his actions and words toward me screamed that we were way more than friends (i.e.- telling me he was masturbating, telling me he would sleep in the same bed with me, telling me he can’t get enough of me, telling me he wishes he was with me). No, we have never had sex, just kissed. So, today I sent him a single rose as an apology with a note that said “Hope your day is better” because not only was I a little overbearing yesterday, but work overwhelmed him. He called me again this morning on his way in to work and was clearly dreading it. Did I overstep the friendship bounds? Are men offended by flowers? Desperate? I know I would appreciate flowers after a sucky day.

    • Peter White

      I think you both have overstepped the friendship bounds already. Your relationship is not clearly defined as “just friends”. Just because you’re not actually having real sex does not mean you’re just friends. It’s clear he wants to date you and wants to keep you around until he’s ready AND he doesn’t want to lose you to another man. Just because he told you to date other men does not mean he’s actually okay with it. Some men say it just to see how committed you really are to them. It’s a very passive aggressive statement.

      Nope, guys are not offended by flowers. In fact for most guys it would appear sincere and thoughtful.

      I don’t think it’s a desperate act considering the context in which it happened.

      Now, chances are, he wants to use your closeness and friendship, and the fact you’re madly in love with him, to sexually satisfy. He just won’t come out and say it. That in no way can or will determine his course of action in the future. It does not guarantee a future relationship when he’s ready. It’s simply a present act of a guy who appears to have very little opportunities with another woman besides you.

      As for the “Carey, you’re my light.” comment, it means exactly what it’s supposed to… he feels he needs you in his life to keep him on track and that you’re always there for him and that you make him happy. BUT again, it in no way is a precursor for a future relationship. He’s speaking in the moment based on what he’s feeling in that moment and how he sees you.

      Unless there’s talk of a future together, or up and coming plans to be together or actions which would suggest he’s looking for more… it’s just not there. Doesn’t mean that won’t change. Just means, that’s the way it is.

      Thanks for asking Carey and hope that helped you out even just a little,


    • Carey

      Thanks for the explanation, Peter. I bet I complicated things today though.

      I told him today that it was killing me to just be his friend when I want more. I told him that all of my other dates had failed because I kept comparing them to him. At that point, he asked what I wanted him to do. I told him that only he could decide for him, that I knew what I wanted.

      Later he texts me and says that he is truly blessed by our friendship but he is not in a position to respond further. We had previously had the discussion and he wouldn’t answer per his divorce attorney’s advice. He asked if I wanted to distance out friendship to make things easier for me. I agreed because I really think it is the only thing to do right now.

      I wished him well and asked him to please take care of himself. Why did he let go so easily? I would wait if he couldn’t start a relationship, but if he doesn’t want one, I feel I need to know.

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