Ok Pete. I like reading a lot of this. It makes a lot of sense (well some of it anyways lol) my own personal question I have is...
How do u express to a man that you’d like more attention without freaking him out & scaring him away? Even if its not for a legitimate relationship.
Danielle, attention is a very odd thing because when we seek it out we tend to act out of frustration to get it. It usually has us acting childish like a kid "acting out" or a guy trying to prove his confidence by pounding his fists against his chest or by being overly loud and obnoxious.
When we become indifferent, or even blatantly uncaring, attention seems to follow us around because it engages curiosity and some people can not resist. We wonder why someone is ignoring us, or why they don't seem to care, or what it all means in the grand scheme of life.
So your answer is sort of a psychological phenomenon which has riddled and teased many people for the entire course of humankind.
And now you've put it on me... thanks!!!
First you should study this post written not too long ago because it is sort of connected to what you're asking: Why The Guys You Like Don’t Want You But You Don’t Want The Ones Who Do.
Second let's assume if you bring it up, badger a man for attention, or demand it, you know as well as I do it rarely works and when it does it's not done for the right reasons.
You want the attention to come from a place where it means more. Like he's not doing just to shut you up or appease you.
You want it to be a genuine feeling or reciprocation because of something he has no control over - attraction or love or even friendship.
That is where you'll find the answer.
Men who feel uncontrollably attracted to a woman, whether it's a friendship or more, a marriage or even a sexual affair...
Will give you ALL the attention you need and depending on the guy you're dealing with.
Sometimes too much attention because he's needy, desperate, clingy, or approval seeking.
Sometimes too little because he's scared, worried he'll push you away, not sure when to give it and when NOT to give it, or has many other women or problems in his life, basically selfish or self-centered or even in high demand from other women.
The key here Danielle is definitely in the post above AND it's about creating attraction first and foremost.
Here my own list of: The Top Ten Things That Guys Are Attracted To
Giving a man every reason to WANT to pay attention to you because you make him feel like no other woman can.
I understand that's a tough concept to get a handle on.
How you might have to re-work or re-think or learn what attracts men and keeps them coming back for more BUT it's by far the more beneficial path and in the end, much easier to accomplish.
I teach my guys this...
Do as little as possible to attract and you'll be much better off.
Less work trying to control them = more beneficial results because they try so hard to make a woman happy so she'll like them more or pay attention to them BUT they don't understand...
A woman is happiest (with regards to relationships of all sorts) when she feels attraction even if it depresses her or not.
It's always better to feel something over nothing.
And since her happiness is contained with her own mind and concepts or ideas of what happiness is, he can't change that.
To make a woman happy - keep doing what it takes to attract her.
And I believe the same works for guys too.
It will also stop you from being clingy, freaking him out, or scaring the RIGHT guy away.
(Yes some men will run but that has nothing to do with YOU at all. Those are mostly his issues and reluctance to deal with HIS life.)
I've pulled together some clever quotes from the people who "sort of" taught me to help you.
They are posted at Meet & Attract Him.
Keep in mind the first rule or why men and women tend to want more what they feel they can not have and the second rule of attraction first because without attraction there's little hope for anything else.
Luckily attraction comes in many forms so try not to fall into the trap that it's all by physical sight alone.
"The mentality you should have is that a relationship is NOT the only thing you have going for you."
You can get more "natural attention" from a guy or men in general if you have a fulfilling life WITHOUT them.
Make yourself unavailable by doing more things you love and invite or find others to join you.
The post below has some more great information on getting the attention you want naturally.
"When you think about the dating scene, what do you believe are the necessary “selling points” you need to get a guy’s attention?"
Men normally liked being chased by women IF and this a biggie, IF they have little or no options themselves.
The ones who do have options will let you chase them BUT that's because they're enjoying the Ego trip or because they don't know how to reject you.
Rori says it best here and I believe it's a major factor in getting more attention.
"Lure Him, Don’t Chase Him.
For a man to feel like he wants to get closer to you, he needs to feel good around you.
And the way he feels good around you is when he pleases you.
As long as you seem happy to see him and tell him how much you enjoy his company, a man will keep coming back for more.
Stay in your feminine energy by being receptive and open to his attention."
If you know how to tease a man right, follow the guidelines above, AND he has to work just a little harder for you over some "other" women in his life... getting more attention won't be a problem at all.
Teasing is about pushing and pulling, tension and release, mystery, excitement, walking away at just the right moment, and so much more.
But it's clear to see with all that in place... what guy would not keep coming back for more. 😉
"When you shower him with affection, attention, dinners, gifts, and always go out of your way to drive to his place, it makes him think of you as a mother or a friend instead of inspiring his emotional desire for you."
When you find yourself always giving, giving, and giving to someone they tend to expect it, have less respect for it, rely on it, and lower the value of the giving because, as noted above, if a guy doesn't have to work for YOUR attention a little, he's less likely to give you the attention you want or need.
We're not saying to never give a guy anything - that's absurd, but if you want more attention there must be a balance of receiving too.
The next quote says so much I had to include it.
Read it slowly and take note on what type of guy gets scared and runs away.
"So many times I hear women talk about how they don’t ever want to come off as needy, “bitchy”, pushy, etc. with guys. And often times, women will say something like, “I don’t want to scare him off…”
Two things are important to know here about asking questions and finding out the “real deal” early on: Only IMMATURE men who already have fears and resistance to commitment and relationships will actually get “scared off” IF a woman asks questions in a mature, playful, and conversational way.
The upside here is that emotionally mature and open guys will be drawn in, not pushed away.
In fact, direct questions, communicated in the right way, are THE KEY to figuring out what kind of guy you’re dealing with – plus they provide you with all kinds of answers about the man’s real character and mindset by his response."
The last piece of the puzzle of attention is definitely COMMUNICATION.
How you talk to a guy.
How much fun playful humor is involved.
How safe he feels opening up to you.
Making the right kind of impression on a guy tends to lead to more attention from the RIGHT guy.
The plain simple truth is...
Men who give a woman all the attention she could ever want just FEEL like she GETS him like no other woman can.
They share a real connection and it's one reason why he keeps coming back to her.
The women who all too easily got my attention never really had to ask me to explain something to them... they just got what I was saying and I'm sure even if they had no clue what the hell I was talking about, somehow pretended beyond a reasonable doubt.
You want to be more paid attention to:
Make sure you feel like your life is worth paying attention for yourself and do everything within your power that above everything else - YOU are interested in YOUR life first.
Then invite others to join your happiness.
Make sure the attraction is there first by using your natural feminine ways to LURE a man and being open to receive just as much as you can give.
Flirt, tease, and leave some mystery to engage his curiosity just enough.
Don't just give away everything for free. Men value women more if they have to work for HER attention too.
These last few articles deal with those issues a little and I definitely suggest you read through them. (And of course every link on this page.)
- Communication and Conversation Tips – How to Talk To Men
- Flirting With Men – How To Do It With Compliments and Fun
- 5 Steps You Can Use Push His Secret Button For Better Communication
This last part is for you personally because I know you, a little.
In my life I've had to do things which I fought because I felt I was changing the core of who I was.
Being a musician I was always banging on things, shuffling my feet, expressing my energy through rhyme and rhythm.
Little did I know they were often seen as nervous ticks, not being assured of myself, lack of confidence, and so high-strung that I could not deal with life's little setbacks.
I refused to "deal with those habits" objectively because I honestly felt it was just who I was and if people didn't like it... fuck 'em!!!
What I finally realized what people were seeing, because of those ticks, were actually WHO I WAS ON THE INSIDE and had little to do with my musical talents.
Now I still on occasion let them slip but since I've done so much work, when it happens it doesn't mean as much and just by changing those habits did NOT change the core person I am.
In order to change them I had to go to places inside me which, when dealt with objectively, removed those habits with very little outward effort at all.
So in your case...
I hear you. I get it.
I understand the level of your voice feels like a part of you BUT, as in my case above, comes from a place inside you which is probably screaming for attention.
That will make it more difficult to get the "real" attention you seek because people judge other people based on your actions and how you present those actions to them.
You and I have no control over that and although it sucks to be judged, let's admit to ourselves there's something deeper going on which is causing it in the first place despite what the world sees.
This internal struggle is yours and yours only and I feel by dealing with the issue at the root cause will inevitable change the external.
And when it's done for yourself and your own happiness or your own fulfillment...
You can get more "natural attention" from a guy or men or even ALL people if you have a fulfilling life WITHOUT them.
I'm not suggesting it will change everything or solve every problem you might experience or run into, in the grand scheme of being born and then dying it's minimal.
But it's a start.
A personal friend to friend suggestion.
Just so you know, for years I had a whiny nasally voice which I hated and it certainly turned women off but now, given the right circumstance... well I won't get into the details of the real power of my voice and what it has accomplished.
Your voice can lure men in and turn them on like no one could ever imagine.
Men become highly attracted to the female voice alone.
A woman's vocal inflections and style can literally stir lots of men's sensual attention and I just feel every woman should use every advantage she has when it comes to a man's attraction.
All the best to you Danielle... Well you know my name.