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He’s Shy and Attracted To You But In A Group He’s Afraid To Show It

He’s Shy and Attracted To You But In A Group He’s Afraid To Show It post image

I was hoping you could help me with a guy I’m interested in. We met in a choir a couple of weeks ago and there seemed to be a lot of chemistry between us. He is generally quite shy and quiet. I caught him staring at me on several occasions, but he would look away when I looked back at him. He’s even approached me when I was alone and I’ve flirted with him in a fun playful way which he seemed to enjoy. I’m not sure if he realises that I am interested in him. More recently, he continues to stare at me occasionally but also ignores me a lot. I’m not quite sure what to do next, as I find him very attractive and think he might feel the same. I must point out that we are a very social choir so I am constantly surrounded by other people. He seems quite comfortable talking to other women in the group one on one but if he approaches me and I’m in a group he acknowledges everyone but me!!! It’s so frustrating and I even wonder if I did anything wrong. Am I coming across as too keen maybe? Help 🙁

Hello Deb,

It's doubtful you did anything wrong at all.

The problem is him Deb.

The looking away quickly when he's caught staring at you tells me he might have a confidence issue.

He's being submissive and not owning up to his personal space in the world.

This would also make me believe he doesn't think you would be attracted to him even if you give him every available sign.

If he does get it and just maybe believes you ARE attracted to him then I'd assume he just doesn't know what to do next and rather than risk it, keeps to him self in a safe bubble often surrounded by other people.

Another clue you've given me is where he talks to other women, especially in a group, but not YOU.

One thing I know about men like this - shy or not - is how much the "attractive" pressure is amplified when other people are around.

Suppose you flirted with him ( while in that group ) and he gets flustered, stumbles his words, says something stupid, or anything which in his mind means he's screwed it all up with you or makes him look like a fool in front of everyone else.

It's one thing to get rejected privately but when others are watching it can not only destroy what little confidence he seems to have, but damage his "masculinity" in front of his peers.

He could feel like he'll lose all respect and basically look like a fool. Something most of us tend to not want.

Again, rather than take that risk he'll avoid talking to you around other people and will only "be himself" when you have a private conversation because there's less pressure.

I did it myself - I would only talk to women privately if I really liked her because I felt more free to enjoy the chemistry.

There's something about the "one on one" which feels safer to guys who are experiencing attraction and are not quite sure what to actually do about it.

Now since we're both convinced there is a definite attraction between the two of you...

You have a few choices.

Keep doing what you're doing and just maybe he'll find it within himself to open up.

Who knows - by chance he could end up at DiaLtEG TM and learn to flirt with you in front of other people and boost his self-esteem.

IF he doesn't then perhaps he's not the strong confident man you deserve. Remember, generally speaking, the man you meet today will be the same man later unless he does some real work on himself.

I've found women will rarely ever accept that choice. Once you're deep in it - you want to give him a chance...

In that case you just might have to get him alone. Get him in a position where he feels less threatened and safer to be himself.

You might have to open up a conversation with him while you're in that group and see how he responds. Knowing that what you get back not might be what you want or expect.

His persona will try to protect himself.

It pains me to say this but you might have to become the suitor.

You might have to use your social experience to engage him and take the interaction outside of your choir group for a one-on-one thing.

I'm not saying "date" because that's pressure. Just something you two could do together to get to know each other better through experience and not just sitting around talking.

That depends on your lifestyle, his lifestyle, and what you're both into.

Since I've been a musician and have sung in several Choirs I'd suggest you take your love of music and use that angle to your advantage because he has to love it too.

Whatever your choice is remember...

I did not see where you did something wrong. Or came across as too keen. 😀

FACT: You can NOT scare a man into not feeling attracted to you who has no fear.

That's his deal, not yours.

Hope your decision works out the best it can for you and I do sincerely hope he finds a way to believe in himself enough to give this thing a real shot.

Thanks for your question Deb. If you have any follow ups or something wonderful to tell me, please leave them on this page.


(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )
About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.
2 comments… add one
  • Ray

    Hi Pete

    I’ve been confused lately about a guy. I’m not sure if he is just being nice and shy or if he is attracted to me in some way. I will refer to him as D.

    I started a new job a few months ago. He is the head of the accounting department (and IT since we are a tiny company) and a few years my senior. I am in a different department and so we didn’t really talk to each other.

    I started talking to him after I had a terrible flu and I mistakely ended up in the kitchen with him. Everyone avoids him because he is the son of the boss. Flustered I made conversation eith him and asked how his weekend went. He smiled and told me that it was alright and asked how mine was and I told him that being sick was horrible and made a joke of it since he himself had been sick not too long before me.

    Most of the employees are terrified of him because of his tall stature and his apparent inability to be nice to people. His default setting according to everyone is set to constantly rude. Even his own brother stands far away when talking to him. I however have never experienced this.

    I wave and say bye to him in the evenings when I leave and he always smiles and replies or sometimes he greets me before I can greet him.

    Later on that same week my computer gave me some issues and when I asked my colleagues what should be done they told me that I should tell someone to tell D, I was told not to approach him because he would bite my head off.

    Desperate for help I approached him because I could not delay my work any longer. He smiled at me when I approached and asked me what’s up. I explained the situation to him and he immediately came over to help me. He didn’t know what’s wrong with it and I told him about the recent changes in it (overheating, freezing etc). He put it on to scan for viruses and we left it for the lunch break. Inevitably it crashed and there was nothing we could do. He ordered me a new one.

    His brother spoke to him and the next thing I knew he approached me and told me that he set me up on his own pc and that I should get my work done from there for the day. The next morning I find that my old pc is connected at my table. He came in to continue working on it and I asked him if he managed to get any sleep and until what time he was at the office. He came back to the office after working hours to do his own work and try to fix my pc. He only left after 8 30 the previous night.

    While I was trying to take a nap in the rec room at lunch, I overheard one of the girls say “D likes this one”. Women as you know think they can talk in code and no one would realize it. They use this one as a way of talking about someone who is in the room, usually with a head gesture in that persons direction. I continued to pretend that I am taking a nap.

    Because we have a mutual love of sweets I tend to share with him when I have something new or tasty. He immediately opens it to taste it and thanks me for it.

    When my computer arrived he installed it for me, even though it is only 3 cords to be connected and I know how to do it myself. The other girls at work who have worked there for years are suddenly taking notice of his actions. Apparently I am the only person he gave permission to sit in his chair and use his stuff.

    (I think he respects me because when I first started he was taking too long to sort my computer out for me. I moved all the equipment on my own and connected it to the system myself)

    He openly acknowledges me in front of everyone else and I’ve been getting a few jibes from coworkers since he never did that before, not even with his assistant.

    When we ended up in the kitchen together again, I told him jokingly that he looked nice. He smiled because his hair was messed up and he told me that he needs a haircut for the weekend since his friend is getting married and he’s the best man. He told me that he hadn’t done it before. No one in the office knew about it except for me and his brother.

    We had a power outage and couldn’t do any work. He came over with a friendly smile and disconnected my computer to take it home to do some updates. He asked me to help him a bit and got on the floor, dirtying his clothes and asked me to help him with the power cord from the top of the desk. Afterwards he asked me how the computer works and I told him that it was nice. He got from his friend’s store and that he’s a co owner of it (he told me this)

    When I approach him he smiles and sometimes has a conversation with the desk rather than me. The one old lady at work even commented on our interactions and that he’s changed. He got a hair cut and even uses blue more often when I told him the color suits him.

    Her words were and I’m quoting ” You bring out the best in him”

    I’m not sure if they are screwing with my mind or if I’m seeing things that are not there but I’m hoping that you can give me some honest advice. I plan on leaving the job soon, mainly because no one wants to deal with screaming people via the phone, but if there is a chance I really would like to get to know him outside of the work environment.

    I’m asking for your honest opinion and advice.

    Yours sincerely

  • Rachael

    Hi Pete, I wanted to ask a question about shy guys Im having a little trouble with something and need your help.
    So Theres this guy i got involved with a couple of months back.i know this guy is often quiet a shy guy too.But he pursued me first anyways and I said hi back then nothing for 2 months until one night i just knew i needed tobe the one to write first so i did and we started chatting since he replied and we have be chatting the last couple of months and flirting. We met once and had a kiss and we had agreed to meet again but he didnt really make any plans to do so. Now this guy is either seriously shy or just not bothered so its confusing i know him from friends so i do know hes the shy type which is fine i dont mind pursing him further so long as i dont make an ass out of myself. Anyways everythings been fine weve been flirting txting almost every day and if not every couple of days and when we did tx it was all night and stuff. Then about 3 or 4 weeks ago he started changing i dunno what happend maybe we had been txn the previous day and everything seemed fine. Then i went out to the pub the next day and seen him with his friends I said hi we spoke briefly but that was it cause i didnt wanna go over and bother him when hes having drinks with his friends but he left not long after i walked in and i heard from his friends it was because he was annoyed. So i asked him about and he said i did nothing wrong and not to be worrying. But then as i txd him that week he got quieter and quieter conversations that used to last all night he only started talking to me for a couple of messages then ignored me this went on for a couple of weeks he started avoiding me or so i felt..it was all different anyways he was different with me. So then Last weekend i went out with friends and he walked in and left straight away i know he seen me but i dont know if he left becauyse of me he did walk in on his own so i thought maybe he was looking for his friend and didnt see him and left. Anyway then i had heard he did leave becvause he saw me his friend had said to one of my friends he left because he has a thing for me and i scared him off cause hes to shy to be around me. I think this is ridicuolous if you like someoen you talk to them right? so i asked him about the next day and he kind of laughed it off and was like oh no it had nothing to do with you or anything like that so i was like okay and that was the end of it..i havent spoken tp him since and he hasnt spoken to me…Can ye please explain what hes doing here if ye can help..I dont know if maybe this is a cruel to be kind thing and he thinks hes doing the right thing by avoiding me or if he does like me and he is genuinelyu shy or if he has completely lost interest and thats why hes stopped txn and flirting either way im very confused and i dont know what to do about it can you guys please help me…

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