I was hoping you could help me with a guy I’m interested in. We met in a choir a couple of weeks ago and there seemed to be a lot of chemistry between us. He is generally quite shy and quiet. I caught him staring at me on several occasions, but he would look away when I looked back at him. He’s even approached me when I was alone and I’ve flirted with him in a fun playful way which he seemed to enjoy. I’m not sure if he realises that I am interested in him. More recently, he continues to stare at me occasionally but also ignores me a lot. I’m not quite sure what to do next, as I find him very attractive and think he might feel the same. I must point out that we are a very social choir so I am constantly surrounded by other people. He seems quite comfortable talking to other women in the group one on one but if he approaches me and I’m in a group he acknowledges everyone but me!!! It’s so frustrating and I even wonder if I did anything wrong. Am I coming across as too keen maybe? Help 🙁
It's doubtful you did anything wrong at all.
The problem is him Deb.
The looking away quickly when he's caught staring at you tells me he might have a confidence issue.
He's being submissive and not owning up to his personal space in the world.
This would also make me believe he doesn't think you would be attracted to him even if you give him every available sign.
If he does get it and just maybe believes you ARE attracted to him then I'd assume he just doesn't know what to do next and rather than risk it, keeps to him self in a safe bubble often surrounded by other people.
Another clue you've given me is where he talks to other women, especially in a group, but not YOU.
One thing I know about men like this - shy or not - is how much the "attractive" pressure is amplified when other people are around.
Suppose you flirted with him ( while in that group ) and he gets flustered, stumbles his words, says something stupid, or anything which in his mind means he's screwed it all up with you or makes him look like a fool in front of everyone else.
It's one thing to get rejected privately but when others are watching it can not only destroy what little confidence he seems to have, but damage his "masculinity" in front of his peers.
He could feel like he'll lose all respect and basically look like a fool. Something most of us tend to not want.
Again, rather than take that risk he'll avoid talking to you around other people and will only "be himself" when you have a private conversation because there's less pressure.
I did it myself - I would only talk to women privately if I really liked her because I felt more free to enjoy the chemistry.
There's something about the "one on one" which feels safer to guys who are experiencing attraction and are not quite sure what to actually do about it.
Now since we're both convinced there is a definite attraction between the two of you...
You have a few choices.
Keep doing what you're doing and just maybe he'll find it within himself to open up.
Who knows - by chance he could end up at DiaLtEG TM and learn to flirt with you in front of other people and boost his self-esteem.
IF he doesn't then perhaps he's not the strong confident man you deserve. Remember, generally speaking, the man you meet today will be the same man later unless he does some real work on himself.
I've found women will rarely ever accept that choice. Once you're deep in it - you want to give him a chance...
In that case you just might have to get him alone. Get him in a position where he feels less threatened and safer to be himself.
You might have to open up a conversation with him while you're in that group and see how he responds. Knowing that what you get back not might be what you want or expect.
His persona will try to protect himself.
It pains me to say this but you might have to become the suitor.
You might have to use your social experience to engage him and take the interaction outside of your choir group for a one-on-one thing.
I'm not saying "date" because that's pressure. Just something you two could do together to get to know each other better through experience and not just sitting around talking.
That depends on your lifestyle, his lifestyle, and what you're both into.
Since I've been a musician and have sung in several Choirs I'd suggest you take your love of music and use that angle to your advantage because he has to love it too.
Whatever your choice is remember...
I did not see where you did something wrong. Or came across as too keen. 😀
FACT: You can NOT scare a man into not feeling attracted to you who has no fear.
That's his deal, not yours.
Hope your decision works out the best it can for you and I do sincerely hope he finds a way to believe in himself enough to give this thing a real shot.
Thanks for your question Deb. If you have any follow ups or something wonderful to tell me, please leave them on this page.