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Why Do Guys…?

Why Do Some Men Like You One Time, Then Pretend They Barely Know You?

in Does He Like You
What does it mean when a guy is playing hard to get or is ignoring you right after you meet.

Why is it when a guy is into you, shows every sign he likes you, but the next time he sees you it’s like you don’t even exist?

He acts a little distant. Barely listens to a word you say.

You want to ask him what’s wrong but it’s not like you’re dating or anything. You’re not in a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other…

But for some reason he’s making you feel you did something wrong and this passive aggressive attitude he’s displaying is making you wonder why you’re even bothering with him at all.

I was totally into this “chic” once. She was the type who lots of guys chase. You could take one look at her and instantly assume she could have any guy she wanted.

If you don’t know about how much attraction controls men I can tell you it’s not too easy to shrug off. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It makes you almost want to give everything you got – in the hopes the attraction would be returned.

The way I see it – as a man who’s studied this stuff – us guys actually “suffer” from attraction because if we follow it and listen to it, it only seems to do just the opposite to the woman we’re madly falling for. It’s like when we go blindly into in it causes us to push any highly sought out woman away.

Well let me tell you this girl had me hooked. Literally every curve on her body mesmerized me. Her face was flawless and her eyes, the way they lit up when she saw me… got me scared.

I was terrified I was going to screw it up.

So here’s this guy – not the greatest “ladies man” in the world at the time, hasn’t had much success with very attractive women, and feeling it like there’s no tomorrow.

Feeling the peak of attraction I gave it all despite all my fears.

Tried to make her laugh. Tried to find a connection with her. Tried to be “all that a man could be” because I was “suffering” from a lowered self-esteem just being around her.

Just so you know, it felt like it worked. She was returning the flirts and playing right back with me. The chemistry was increasing and so was the sexual tension. Despite the fact as our interaction continued so did my self-confidence because she was just that cool to be around.

Now you would think I would’ve been smart enough to run with it. To “do my thing” and keep it up. You would think, because it only makes sense, I’d be all her into her when we met again.

But it wasn’t like that at all.

There was more people around. More guys there to flirt with her. Suddenly every available “stud” was taking over where I had left off and I just knew it was a losing battle.

Here I am, now watching other guys be all into her and I got a glimpse into the future.

We’d talk a little. Get to know each other better. A few weeks or maybe a month would pass and we would grow closer.

And I’ve been through that before. What happened was more predictable than the sunrise.

While I was “doing all the work” she was dating some other guy and kissing him on the first date. since I was “being nice” and spent way too much time waiting for the moment to happen, and didn’t know how to make it happen naturally…

I was waiting for HER to make a move on me.

To men – that’s the ultimate sign a girl is into them. As in when she makes a move on him.

Remember that because “making a move” to some men is a lot more than just going for a kiss.

You see this seemingly innocent “passive aggressive” method is just another way to get YOU to prove how much you like us.

If we ignore you and you seek us out – our confidence goes up and we believe you’re feeling it just as much as we are.

If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.

We definitely want to feel in control of our attraction and if we can stay away long enough, it gives us time to think about how to handle it and stop our attraction from pushing you away. After all every guy understands (even though he act differently) every woman he chases just seems to run away quicker.

We’re testing our restraint but more than that we’re testing YOU because some guys, like I was, need to feel like you’re into us just as much as the guy you kissed so much quicker than us.

When we predict our future with you and we only see what some other woman did to us, our anger turns passive and we want to make sure THIS TIME it’s going to be different.

This time I won’t chase her because she’s too hot. This time I won’t be the guy who kisses her ass “hoping” she’ll like us back.

This time I will do anything and everything I know to make sure I make her prove how much she likes me. Even if it means ignoring you and acting like I couldn’t care less about her.

Thus satisfying the fragile “Ego” and it’s thirst for validation.

Okay, so you met a guy who seemed into you and you even “liked” him back. And the next time you’re together it feel like you don’t exist anymore.

Don’t let him fool you – he just wants to know you’re going to meet him half way. Or maybe the whole way. He is probably worried too much spent watching for your signals or he just doesn’t understand how all this attraction thing really works.

Is he playing you on purpose?

Some are. I won’t lie.

Did you do something to push him away?

Well obviously there’s a chance that DID happen.

Is there a chance he doesn’t even notice it’s happening?

Of course. Some guys just don’t pay attention to this kind of stuff as much as others.

Yet, generally speaking, you can consider it giving you space. He’s trying to show you he’s not needy. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He wants you to prove to him you’re not going to treat him like a “dear friend” three weeks down the road.

Men are not always obvious when their attraction for you is driving them crazy.

If a guy likes you one minute and is ignoring you the next – all things considered it just he means he “really really really” likes you! ;)

Peter White - Why Do Guy...?

Peter White. Thanks for stopping by and listening to a male’s point view. You can stay in touch by – *receiving my newsletter, *friending my Facebook page here. – Here is where a teach men about you *DiaLteG – and this where I get to talk about meeting and approaching the opposite sex – *The Approach.

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195 comments… add one

  • Eloquent Massacre

    Hey, I normally don’t go for online advice, but I saw this blog and got the urge to ask you a question about my current situation.

    I’m in an open relationship and this other guy I’m fooling around with is confusing me. (I know most people don’t get the open relationship thing, but hey if works don’t knock it) I met him in a college class and he was fully aware of the situation. (that I have a boyfriend and was only looking for a friend and a fuck buddy) However, things quickly changed and twice now he has decided that we should not talk anymore. The first time he claimed I misread him a lot and was done with me. (really, I was just PMSing and did not flirt back with him when he made the effort). We kissed for hours on end, fooled around a lot, invited each other to events with each others friends, and talked about him visiting me when I moved to a different city just a few hours away when I transferred colleges. It was a lot of fun and I thought we were both enjoying it. Then he and his friends happen to go to an event that me, my friends and my boyfriend are going to and the next I hear from him he thinks we don’t click or have a connection and does not want to have a friendship that is purely sexual. When he first saw me at this event, he tried to call me over to him but then walked away when my bf grabbed my hand and then avoided me the rest of the day. I, of course, did not accept this and called BS on it. He in turn got mean.

    I have no idea if I should just accept that what he is saying is the truth or if I’m missing something. I would like to fix this situation if I can, because he is a really cool person and I liked hanging with him. (especially the fooling around part)

    • Peter White

      Hey Eloquent Massacre…

      I wouldn’t knock your open relationship. As far as I’m concerned you can have as many fuck buddies as your body wants. And it’s really cool your boyfriend is okay with it.


      You must know not every guy can handle it like your boyfriend. Not every guy, even if they try, will be able to hold back the jealousy or deal with being the “other” guy.

      It sounds like your friend is on edge because he is having issues with being that other guy. This will cause the drama or have him be mean to you.

      He’ll lash out however he feels in an effort to gain your attention and take it away from your boyfriend or just to monopolize the situation. In a way he might even do it (knowingly or not) in an attempt to cause friction between you and your man. Perhaps hoping it will cause a breakup where he will finally get you all to himself.

      If you’re that good ;) you’ll find lots of guys will give it a try but not all of them will be able to handle it.

      I don’t think you can fix a man (or him) so I don’t believe you can remedy the situation beyond leaving your current boyfriend and entering a close relationship with your fuck buddy. Even then there will still be a residue left over which will bring out his jealousy very easily.

      There are lots of cool guys out there as I’m sure you already know but just because a guy is cool does not mean they’ll be cool with being the “other” guy. That takes a certain type of man and it’s best to qualify those men very specifically for traits that are able to deal with your open relationship first.

      Glad you stepped out of your “normal ways” to stop by and ask your questions. It’s good to know I was the guy who prompted you to do so…

      Best to you Miss Massacre,


      • Eloquent Massacre

        Hmm…Thank you Pete. I was having issues debating on whether or not there was more to his story. Being poly amorous can be very dramatic and difficult haha. I really like this guy though, so I think giving him some time and space might make him more likely to talk to me again. Or am I wrong? Again, thank you very much.

        • Peter White

          You’re welcome. It’s a good bet giving him time and space will get him to start talking to you again… once his mind quiets. But I still profess it won’t change his ability to handle the poly amorous thing.

          • Eloquent Massacre

            That’s okay. Friendship is good too. ^-^

  • Nikko

    Hey! Um I read your blog and well I feel like you may be able to help me. Well um I have been real close friends with a guy for around 4 years and he started flirting since last year. And then he just kept calling me stunning and gorgeous everyday. About a month ago he admitted he has a crush on me and I said i liked him back and blah blah. Then he just ignored me for a while and I thought maybe something was wrong with me because I’m so insecure. He then texted me saying he missed me and then I said me too but he didn’t even reply. Then he just got the ignore game going again and then last week he just asked how I was and I said fine thanks and he didn’t even bother texting back.
    It’s been about a couple weeks now and I would probably not care if it was anyone else but dammit all I think about is him. What’s wrong? What should I do? He said he has strong feelings then boom. Is this normal? Because it’s hurting me a lot

    • Winking Willow

      Nikko – did someone ever reply to you because this is exactly what I am going through!

    • Peter White

      Hey Nikko,

      I’m not sure about something… after he admitted he had a crush on you and you told him you liked him back, it’s the “blah blah” thing which I’m not getting. What exactly happened right after that? Explain that part please.

      If nothing happened intimately or to really show each other then it sounds like he’s waiting for you to make that move. I’ve found the guys who “all of a sudden” mention how they’re feeling to a girl after a long friendship have probably feel attracted for a long time.

      Going from “friendship” to “something more” for those guys is very difficult. It’s strange because so many of them dream about that day and how it will all go down (in their favor) but so few of them ever can back it up physically.

      Not many of them actually expect the girl to say, “I like you back” so when it all goes down they suddenly become stuck. Frozen. Unresponsive from shock.

      It sounds like he’s not ignoring you but he just doesn’t know what to do next. Especially if he’s been known to be a “friends zone” guy. This would explain the almost robotic texts you got from him.

      Have you ever tried to psyche yourself into doing something? You keep trying to talk yourself into in but when the moment of truth comes you go completely blank.

      Like studying for an exam and when the time comes, you forgot everything.

      Or getting prepared for an important interview only to stammer out the answers you had down. It just wouldn’t go from brain to mouth.

      Remember though, my answer is based on how you reacted…

      I heard “I like you too… blah blah…” and if that’s what he heard then he was probably hoping you’d show it more. Unfortunately telling some guys you like him back may not be enough.

      If he’s been harboring or building up his attraction for four years then I imagine he’s an overly nice guy who found himself in your friends zone.

      These guys tend to unknowingly test a woman to prove how much she likes them. They typically “put it out there” and suddenly expect you to be all over them either by texting or calling or doing other fun things.

      I think, in a way they expect you to suddenly become uncontrollably infatuated with him… Wait a second… You did! :D

      Except you’ve told me about it and he either missed how much you felt about him or you didn’t make it clear enough to him or his Ego causing him to pull back and revert to a frozen state.

      On the other side: If he’s a constant dater or has lots of women in his life beyond friendships then I imagine he’s either taking his time, playing it cool, giving you space because he wants to get out of the friends only thing, or is trying to get you to chase him.

      You know him better than I do when it comes to who he is and the choices he’s capable of.

      My best guess is the first type of guy. It’s not uncommon.

      He’s been a close friend for three years and then he started flirting for a year. He’s called you stunning and gorgeous everyday which is practically begging for your approval.

      He admitted he has a crush on you…

      And then goes silent…

      My bet is he’s thinking about you just as much or even more then you’re thinking about him.

      I highly doubt something’s wrong with you Nikko.

      Let me know how it all works out for you and your crush. I do hope I’ve helped you out a little,


  • Eloquent Massacre

    Okay, there’s been a new development and I am starting to feel desperate. I got the guy to agree to meet up with me so I could give him something I had been meaning to for awhile and when I said I would be at his place at a certain time the next day, he said, “Uhm….thanks for asking? You know what, never mind don’t bother.” and a series of very mean targeted texts with me overreacting a bit honestly… I kept calling him hoping to get him on the phone because it’s just more effective in my opinion. When I asked why the fuck he was doing this he said, “I already told you. And the way you are acting right now makes me want to stay away from you even more. Stop calling me dude. You are acting like a child. I don’t feel the urge to associate with you anymore. I don’t need to give you a reason. If you recall this is not my first time saying this.” and “Just because it is not what you want to hear does not make it a lie. Goodbye dude haha” I told him he was hiding something from me and got this, “I am not hiding anything. I don’t feel like I bond with you well. So I am cutting off. Not a big deal, not hard to get. Simple as that.” I said bullshit and that I knew he knew we bonded well and got this as the last text ever from him, “We may bond well in your mind, but a lot of the shit you say irritates the fuck out of me. I am just too nice to be a dick about it. haha stop assuming you know things you don’t, it’s sad. I won’t be talking to you anymore, this is getting pathetic.” What did I miss the first time? This is making me think he was actually being completely truthful the first time, but I don’t know.

    Hindsight is 20/20 and I know I could have handled it a hell of a lot better, but what the hell is going on here? From a man’s perspective, what does it appear to be?

    • Peter White

      Hello again,

      Not much more than not waiting long enough. Angry men can stay that way for while when they’re attracted to a woman.

      Please don’t mistake the attraction as being a reason to continue to contact him though. You’ve already seen what happens when he gets mad and then you get mad and then everything gets way out of hand.

      When a man implicitly states he doesn’t want you in his life and then you introduce more drama it just doesn’t help the situation at all. It makes it worse and as you’ve seen first hand – when the worst comes out he’ll do anything and say anything to keep you from contacting again.

      So from a man’s perspective, if I asked for space and didn’t get it – I would be more inclined to move to drastic measures to have my wishes made.

      The more hurt feelings, the more drastic the reaction. Especially if you try to pry deeper for what may appear to him as your own selfish need for closure.

  • What if he just lost interest, It happened to me. I like to socialize, yes I admit people think I’m hot. The last time he texted me, he just said, dear, ive been busy with work, i will text you tomorrow, and he never did, I just let it go, because I thought he needed space and probably I should not chase him or need any explanation since we are not official yet. I really like him and it hurts me.

    • Peter White

      Men do lose interest Virgolove for many reasons. Some actually do because they’re just plain lazy when it comes to women. If they have to work too hard for your attention or don’t feel you’re attracted to them enough, they’ll move on.

      Some guys also don’t like competition. The don’t feel like competing with other guys. This would be a problem for a very attractive social woman. I’d say most of the time it’s because they don’t believe they can keep a woman like that for very long, if at all anyways.

      Now as for this guy all I can tell you is that if I wanted nothing else but you… being busy at work would just be an excuse. I’ve found most capable men make time for women they’re truly into them in the first place.

      So he might not have just “lost” interest but just wasn’t interested enough in the first place. His reasons also might not have anything to do with you personally, he was probably looking for something else.

      Guys like that do come back however. Something might trigger the attraction again and they started thinking about you more and suddenly their trying to get in touch with you again. Mostly through they’re hoping something has changed or they saw their error or what they missed the first time through.

      Normally, and I’m guilty of this too – if I lose interest, it’s because I’m not getting exactly what I need from the “relationship”. Men’s needs do vary. They can be time relevant too. But there are some basic needs guys tend to need all the while not realizing they’re not looking for them. In other words they don’t know they need them and go looking for the wrong things from a woman and wind up dating many women until they realize they’re not happy with any of them.

      I wouldn’t worry about his explanation. I highly doubt he’ll be honest about it anyways. He’ll make up something or not realize why anyways and so will tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

      Another point about men is – if you at some point feel like they need space or they’re asking for it, or are hinting they’re busy to leave them alone (they’ll get back when ) then the actual “space needing event” happened way before they actually brought it up.

      That’s what I’ve found to be consistent with lots of men AND women too. By the time the space discussion happens or seems appropriate the sign was there long before but for some reason we missed it.

      Thanks for writing and all the best to you.


  • N

    Hi.I had written to you in December regarding an ex- colleague and my then immediate boss whom I had feelings for and it was the same from his end and we both had expressed it.After 8 months,he just blocked me on WhatsApp and I hadn’t done anything to irk him.There were a few misunderstandings and occasionally hurting each other due to office politics and games being played by his bosses and since he was in a position of authority,his anger would come out on me actively and passively both.But that was long back and we had sorted it out and everything was fine between us when he blocked me.I tried finding out the reason by texting and calling him a few times but there was no response except once in December when he texted me that he ll call back later.But since then he hasn’t responded. I had then quit my job coz second time he had stopped communicating with me and it was becoming very difficult and painful for me to work under him.I had wished him on the New Year and even on his b’day in Feb but no response.I am giving him his space.I do send him txt mesgs everyday just to let him know that I am playing along and at the same time,also creating that space for both of us.I tried very hard but could not find another job as a journalist elsewhere and currently I am in talks with the authorities in the same company again and they are willing to take me again.Although,he stopped communicating with me,I always found him staring at me or then sometimes looking at me from the corner of his eyes.He hasn’t been in a relationship before and he had told me several times that he is professionally good but in matters of women he is not.He had said that he tries doing something else and things actually go wrong.He is a very upfront guy and overall an angry person too,so I believe if I was breathing down his neck which is not the case then he would have just told me once and for all that he is not interested anymore.Earlier too,when there were issues about his home loan,office politics and all which were making him stressed and he wasn’t able to handle our matter too,he had clearly told me then that he was uncomfortable talking to me and he did not want to be friends with me.But then later he only came to me and sorted out the matter.Please help,Pete.I would be highly obliged and your advise will also give me an insight as to how to keep it cordial with him when I start working under him again.I would like to know the probable reasons why he hasn’t contacted all this while since December.

    I am also sharing with you the question that I had posted in December so that you ll be in a better position to understand his depth of feelings for me.

    This is what I had written to you in December:
    Hi.I really liked your blog.It gave me a new insight..I met a guy at my workplace.He is 27.I m 24.We both are journalists by profession.We have known each other for 9 months now.After a few interactions,he said he has feelings for me.He said I ll be a good partner,a good gf,a good professional partner,a good wife,a good daughter-in-law and a good mother.He said he wanted to be with me but doesn’t have time for a relationship….He also mentioned that he hasn’t thought about marriage as yet..He knows I love him.. At present,he is not talking to me since last 2 months.I tried contacting him thru mesgs,bt there was no response..When I called him once,he disconnected my call but he did reply that he ll call back later.It’s been more than a week but he hasn’t called…A few months ago due to work pressure and office politics and I believe he had some personal issues too,for 2 months he hardly spoke to me…Later when he spoke to me,he asked me if I was hurt by his behaviour due to the personal equation dat we share or was it coz he wasn’t helping me in office with my work since I was his junior and he was heading the team…I said I don’t know at first but he ensured that I opened upto him..Then he told me that he was stressed with work and office politics and all..As far as I know,I haven’t hurt him or irked him as of now.I think he is upset for some other reasons? Am I right? How should I broach the topic to him and try to help him in opening up to me..I am upset.Please do reply.Thank you..

    • Peter White


      My first thoughts…

      He’s cutting you off as nicely as he can without being direct and honest. Some men do that when they are used to avoiding confrontation (especially in your work-boss-situation where’s there more confrontation than just two people calling it off.)

      Both of you are obviously seeing how all this is going very differently. Where you might have felt “you worked things out” he probably believed you now understood why he’s stopped contacting you. HE may have seen it as closure while you saw it as an opening or were not satisfied by the talks.

      Next, when you texted him and called a few times and then quit your job as he only responded enough to blow you off or stop you from texting – this, to him, can become a clear signal you find all this too difficult to deal with and you still didn’t understand what he was either trying to say, or blatantly telling you but you mis-read it.

      You wrote this –> “I am giving him his space.I do send him txt mesgs everyday just to let him know that I am playing along and at the same time,also creating that space for both of us.”

      N, that is not space. To a guy that’s drama and he may feel helpless as to how to handle it. Maybe he doesn’t want to deal with it because he already said his peace. And just maybe he feels “by saying nothing at all” you’ll take the hint.

      You also wrote this –> “He is a very upfront guy and overall an angry person (…) I believe if I was breathing down his neck which is not the case then he would have just told me once” and then this –> “He wasn’t able to handle our matter too, he had clearly told me then that he was uncomfortable talking to me and he did not want to be friends with me”

      That sounds pretty clear and upfront to me.

      Again, the next part was him thinking he’s made his point but once more but you read it as him being okay with all the contacting and possible other stuff.

      If you must work with him the only way I could doing it is by erasing the past the best you can. As difficult as it may seem to do – this must be a work only relationship.

      What if he starts again? What if you can’t help but try to be more to him? What if everything I told you today is wrong? What if everything I’ve told you today is right?

      No matter what, if you need this job, if it has to be, then being cordial means finding a way to discontinue anything but a work relationship.

      I know it’s tough to do considering the past but you might have to choose what is more likely to happen. You’ll find another job equal or better OR you’ll eventually get past him and meet someone new equal or better than him.

      No matter what I do hope I’ve cleared up some stuff for you the best I can.

      I usually don’t recommend any kind of work relationships because there’s always going to be some kind of conflict of interest involved but I also understand sometimes – life happens… right?

      Best to you N,


  • Jimmuthegem

    Hi Peter,

    I can’t believe I’m doing this I never posted or commented any subject like this on the internet but maybe you can help me:-)Long story short:I work with my colleague for over a year and although we talked each other a lot before,I never noticed him as a man before as he is absolutely not my type and more importantly Im married. He moved in to a new department within the company but stayed at the same building.He is not a ladies man,he is married and he is in a higher position than me (its always been like that).

    He always fancied me on a very professional way (glances but when i looked at him he looked away) so I never really cared about him as I was too busy with other things.When he moved in to another department i realised that I like him a lot and I got panicky and my whole world has changed,so his.He gave me that look,we stared each other like we never saw each other before,no smile or something just stares and we both felt on the same way.Since we know there is a hell of a something between us we stopped talking completely.

    I mean we see each other every day as he come to my department with some silly excuses altough he talks to everyone:expect me.Still staring at each other when no ones see us,but these stares becaome glances,half smiles,none of us say “hi” or something and when we are very close to each other we both looking at the ground.Every time we see each other i start shaking,i cant look at him,im in loss and totally red and i want to dig a hole and jump in it,i wish i could be invisible and my heart beats so fast i always think that i will have a heart attack or something.This is scares me,dying like this would be pathetic.

    Despite this we still look at each other and when we do,none of us look away…but even saying “hello” takes a courage.We are both confident,happy cheerful people so shyness is out of our character.Im not in love with him but I want him so much.Its not about sex because we like each other mutually and none of us would cheat on their partner for purely sexual reasons.The whole situation is totally,I ridiculous I dont know whats wrong with me..I chose not to go in to his department as it causing me far too much nerves (heart beating too fast,im in a complete loss and behave like an idiot) but he keeps coming in to mine.

    He sometimes winks at me (normally i hate winks as its cheesy) but from him is super cute.However sometimes we completely ignore each other i mean we are not even looking at each other,but we both know that we are here because of each other.Additional info:Im the typical hottie,lots of guys are in to me but i never flirt as i find flirting useless,pathetic and completely unnecessary.I never feel myself better because some guys fancies me,I mean its great but I’m in to different things e.g:stimulating conversations about the Universe,history,philosophy…etc.

    Someday he is just blanking me,and the next day he almost hit the door because we just looking at each other.I miss our chats about life,i miss the communications between us.You know what i don’t understand is that if he feels on this way why he didn’t approached me yet?Why we stopped communicating?If he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife (which i truly doubt despite he is not a cheat or a flirt) why he isn’t just simply avoid from me as for him no reason to be in my department…he could easily stay where he is,but he chose to see me.

    Why we can’t talk?I mean I’m so nervous but if he would ask a simple “how are you”I’m pretty sure that i could put a normal sentence together:-)) (not sure but I hope i could).We never touched each other,never complimented each other well…once he did he said “whats not to like about you?”but because i haven’t seen him as a man I didn’t analysed it:-)))

    He heard many times from me in the beginning that how much i love my husband which is still true,but I want to be with him (my collegaue).If you ask me what i want from him I would say that I would like to have a secret affair with him,no strings attached but lots of laugh,intimacy,moments.

    I don’t want to think about how unethical is that,I never cheated on anyone yet because its out of my character and I would like to believe that I have good moral standards.Since this thing is happening between us i realised that I’m just a human which is not an excuse,but an explanation:-))

    Im a woman therefore i will never approach him.Never ever happened to me anything like this.I mean having a crush on a guy who’s not my type,afraid losing him when I’m not in love,and just staring at each other,dreaming at each other without any action.If I was 15 it would be more understandable but im not a teen anymore.In other hand he is older than me and he is the man he should take the lead and man up and ask me out,before i lose my interest completely.I dont fancy boys but men who can be confident to say hi,hello,fancy a drink?

    Whats going on here?Can you help me with that?What do you think about this situation?Sorry because of the length in my life this is how a short story look like:-))Thank you for your help and mea culpa fro my grammar I’m Italian,its a nightmare;-))

    • Peter White

      Interesting Situation…

      The part I’m missing is your husband. Like would there be a reason for you to look elsewhere to fulfill your sexual desires? Are you missing something from your marriage which would cause all these feeling to bubble up?

      Okay. Infatuation happens. It seems that you two are not communicating more because you’re both probably worried about what would happen. Worried that all these feelings would either prove to be nothing OR worse wind up as a sexual affair.

      While you both keep your distance you’re allowing the emotions to build and you’re enjoying that part of it without having to cheat. But again – the question remains about your marriage and what is missing from it that you can’t fulfill your desires from it?

      Now I wouldn’t expect him to approach you. You’re both in relationships. Why would he ask you out? Why would he follow through with it? It’s fun to flirt and play around but once it becomes more intimate or closer than it becomes cheating whether or not you have sex or not AND just maybe he’s not willing to risk that happening.

      Over time I’ve noticed a woman’s desires or fantasies change based on the life they’re living. Like as a younger woman (15) you might imagine meeting a strong older man who is mature. A take charge kind of guy in more ways than one.

      But as you get older and you meet someone close to your age and things work out for you like marriage, a family, kids and all your lifestyle changes. It become a little more predictable. You have less time to explore those fantasies and just maybe you settle for settle for some missionary and or not so exciting sex life.

      As things move on this predictability causes your younger fantasies to come out. Meeting an older man. A take charge man. Something different. Something exciting again. Something, which as long as you keep your distance and play your “innocent” role in it where you’re imagining how he will “take you” one day – keeps you excited and feeling young again.

      Holding out to those emotions will come out in ways like having you blush, acting like a “school girl” all innocent and tempting the older mature man and holding on to those emotions to feel them everyday can cause all the problems you mentioned above.

      That’s my take on your situation. It may not make complete sense but I’d have to say the problem starts at home.

      If you want this to go away or play out is entirely up to you BUT that can happen much more naturally if you explore a little into what you might be missing with your husband so he can learn to give it to you. To make sure as your fantasies change, as your desires grow, they are not left to be thought out with some other guy.

      Marriage requires a constant rate of growth or they become stagnate, stale, and predictable.

      And I don’t think they have to be that way. It’s not easy. I understand that. As the initial rush wears off, we might feel happy and content BUT for it to last forever “just being content” doesn’t do it.

      Explore those issues and I’m sure you’ll find your answers.

      Best of luck to you,


      • Jimmythegem

        Hi Peter,

        Thank you for the answer.Well things slightly changed since, as about a month ago I’ve decided that this “we are just staring but not talking anymore”situation is ridicolous, so one day I put all my courage together and when we stared at each other I’ve asked him,”how are you”.

        He looked at me,totally blushed,smiled and said “ok”

        Afterwards I asked him that how was his weekend?

        He kept blushing and staring and smiling and said “fine”.

        He was totally red,his eyes was shiny,and he just kept staring at me without asking how I am.It was extremly weird and uncomfortable,he totally freezed no offence but he looked like a retard or something.

        A cute retard tho:-))So i walked away.Since then the everything is back to normal, staring at each other 200 times per day,smiling,sometimes ignoring,but he was always around me.

        I got a new job in a different company,so on my last day I sent him an e-mail and I asked him that “would you like to meet up sometimes?”

        I left my number,and that was it.

        He hasn’t called me since.I don’t know what was I expected from a guy who can’t even initiate a conversation and when I talk to him freeze,and just getting red and staire but for God sake we are both over thirties:)))

        I mean seriously….Im shy too and i never had to ask out anyone before and finally I came out from my shell and he ignores me.As a result I feel ugly (despite that fact that lots of guys fancies me),unloveable (despite Im loved by almost everyone) and a complete idiot (because Im an idiot).

        I’m not gonna call him,or e-mail him if he man up one day and ask me out for a date I will go happily,but he have to initiate as the ball in his court now.

        I know that you think that is because his and he don’t wanna cheat but Im absolutely sure that its not case.Its about something else yet I don’t really know hats going on here.

        I mean why is he freeze when I talking to him?He is so confident and outgoing with everyone else but he is super shy around me…

        Why is he so afraid of me?

        Im curious what you think as Im completely clueless…What is he waiting for?

        I miss him….a lot and I want to be with him.

        Thanks for your help:-)))

        Sorry because of my English as an Italian is not easy fro me to speak a foreign language properly:-)))

  • Crystal


    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Crystal.

      It’s a delicate dance which requires the right balance. A little pushing, a little pulling. A little twirling. A few dips Maybe a toss in the air to take your breath away.

      I still feel without that “passionate” dance most women lose interest or feel like there’s just nothing there.

      So to you it may seem like we’re ignoring you and for some guys that’s how they see it too. And yes they WILL miss a lot of women that way because they think they must ignore a woman to get her to like them more when in fact they’re missing the bigger picture.

      The real fun game is a dance. The separation is needed to create chemistry, friction, to build a sexual desire, or just to get the other person to realize what’s life like without that “said” person.

      Some men do play it all wrong. To them it’s not a dance but a conscious thought because for them, it’s what they see works or has worked in the past or they just don’t know how to “dance” .

      When it come to testing I still feel it’s an integral part of life from our social life, to our careers, to our relationships, it’s just an incredible tool to learn the real truth.

      It’s a piece of the human experience. :) For better or for worse.



    • Kellie

      Amen to that, Crystal!!!!

  • c

    hi peter i have recently meet my old friend we know each other last time then suddenly he move then we dont see each other anymore but recently we meet in mall at first i didnt notice him he keep smiling when i walk pass then i thinking who is this guy why keep smiling at me do we know each other then i remember is he is my friend then at first we talk for few weeks and was fine but recently he ignore me when i text he no reply but when he saw me outside he will smile at me and talk to me but never reply my text does it mean he dont like me ?

    • Peter White

      No C, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you or it’s not really my place to say if he does or not.

      Sometimes though, guys don’t text back for many reasons beyond just trying to ignore you. Other times you have to give him something better to respond back to.

      Like if you’re just saying “hey” or “hi” or “what’s up” he’ll look at his phone and then just forget about it.

      My personal opinion is:

      Chances are, if you were talking for a few weeks and he suddenly disappeared, he either felt like it wasn’t going anywhere or maybe he wasn’t “feeling it” or he has other women which keep “stepping in” on you causing him to follow them.

      Remember this about texting – it’s too easy to ignore those we may not be interested in.

      However face to face interaction most men feel obliged to acknowledge or be pleasant. So just because he’s being nice face to face doesn’t necessarily mean he’s into you but just ignoring your texts. There’s a possibility he’s just being friendly.

      Try not to read into it all and just understand after a few weeks – if he’s not making any move to further it all then it’s time to focus on someone else who will follow through with you.

      Hope that clear it up for you and all the nest to you C,


  • Sarah

    Hi Pete,
    Wonder if you could help.
    I’m a 40yr single women with 2 teenage boys. In Nov 2013, my 25yr old neighbour added me on FB. At first, I had no interest. But he pursued me and over time I became very flattered. Cut a long story short, I ended up sleeping with him and the excitement became over whelming. We were obsessed! He would text me all day, every day. I always maintained that this would never be anything more than “Fuck Buddies”.
    As time has gone on the texts have become less and less. He only seems to text me when he wants sex. I know he really likes me though and I too have developed feelings!
    It’s got to a point now, when I send him a message (which I don’t do very often) and he will ignore it and come back to me days later. This leaves me feeling very frustrated and have now cut him off.
    I see him most days and we just ignore one another. I want him to contact me but doubt that he will.
    Why do you think he had become distant?

    • Peter White

      Hi Sarah – when your intentions maintained it would never be anything more than just “fuck buddies” this could easily relieve a guy ( especially a much younger one) of any guilt and once he sees the “relationship” as a guilt free sexual romp chances are – he will never feel or want any more than that.

      This guilt free also seems to give him all the right to slowly disappear.

      Liking you is one thing. Sex is another thing. But even combined together without the necessary ingredients or the right steps taken from the beginning rarely ever develop into more for most young men.

      Chances are he became distant for those very reasons – most relationships don’t start with sex and then develop into something more. It seems he pursued you because he wanted to sleep with you regardless of what his actions would do to you.

      Unfortunately most men don’t understand then even if a woman says “it’s nothing more than a “fuck buddy” thing that she’s going to develop feelings. Since that doesn’t happen to most men they don’t even get it that they might have did something wrong especially when they feel relieved of any guilt about doing it in the first place.

      Sorry to hear you started to fall for him but obviously his lack of understanding of women is better left for another woman and not you.

      In the worst possible event think of it this way – you must be pretty amazing to have a man 15 years younger than you, chase you down even if it was just for sex. Keep in mind most most don’t get into relationships if the sex comes too early and too guilt free.

      This amazing part of you – that snatched him up ;) should not have any problem attracting lots of different men where you can choose who gets to be with Sarah in the end.

      All the best to you Sarah,


  • Meme Walker

    Hello.. this guy I met.. we have so much in common.. everytime I texted him he always texted me back… he he shows every sign he liked me.. but everytime I would hang with him, and I was about to leave he would always ask why nd oh your leaving now as if he didnt want me to leave. Nd then he would tell me about his personal life in the past, he said I was good looking.. he even gave me his number.. of a sudden he ingores me and ingores my text… like what the hell! . Im so confused. Please tell me whats going in? Did I do something and what should I do

    • Peter White

      Hello Meme Walker,

      My manly “gut” tells me when you were hanging with him and he was suddenly asking you to stay or was wondering why you were leaving…

      That was his way of saying, “Sleep with me please.”

      Unfortunately if that didn’t happen AND perhaps he felt it wasn’t ever going to happen, he lost interest and so begins to look elsewhere.

      Don’t get me wrong – for all guys it not always about sex. It could’ve even meant just some kissing or fooling around. So I use to term “sex” loosely here.

      I just know what guys typically mean when they say things like that.

      I can’t see what you did wrong because it’s a two-way thing. If he wanted more he must learn how to make that happen for himself. I would never blame a girl when a guy doesn’t understand how to seduce a woman even if it’s just a seduction to a first kiss.

      If you want a man that knows how to communicate with you ( on all levels )and knows what he’s doing without having to resort to “please stay” tactics hoping you’ll take the hint or lead then I say – look elsewhere. They ARE out there.

      Not many I’ll say : ) but they are there and I’m sure they’re going to know how to communicate what they really want with you on many different levels too.

      Thanks for writing in Miss Meme Walker and I do hope I’ve cleared up your confusion at least a little,


  • Tara

    Hi, I met this guy on a dating site. I had no intentions of taking the site seriously but we got on so well, had everything in common. He works away at sea for one month and then off one month, so when I gave him my number he was just starting his trip. We texted everyday for a month and got on great. Spoke on the phone once for two hours. I know that he was very genuine because everything added up with him. When he got back from sea we organised a date, it was only two days after he got back. He took me to a beautiful five star restaurant, I was really nervous because I haven’t been on a date in ages, so I had a few drinks that I regret. He was really decent and respectful. I’m not being conceded but I think I’m a young attractive woman. I text him when the date was over and thanked him for a good night and he replied saying, hey beautiful, thanks for a good night, you’re even better in person. When I woke up he sent me a good morning message and we exchanged a few texts back and forth. Later that night he text me and asked how my day was and I replied and also asked him how his day was. And now it’s been three days and there’s been no reply or contact. Just nothing! I really like him, a lot. This never happens, I don’t want to lose an opportunity to get to know him or for him to get to me, I feel that would be a mistake! I’m not desperate, but I never usually take any guy seriously or see them as someone I actually would love to get to knowin that sense. I don’t want to contact him because I don’t want him to think I’m crazy or clingy. I’m not like that. I was going to wait for him to come after me if he is interested… He didn’t try to sleep with me on our date, but I knew he was attracted to me.
    Please give me some advice. This has taken me way off balance and now I can’t stop thinking about him.

    • Hi Tara,

      I’m not sure if he’s contacted you yet but I’ll tell you what I think anyways. :)

      First – put yourself in his shoes and imagine you had to leave every other month. The first think I do is go out with a woman I’ve been chatting with while I was away. We meet up and everything goes great.

      BUT – I’ve been a way for a month and have a ton of things to do. I’m tired. Settling some loose ends. I’m just extremely busy and I know, no matter how badly I want to talk to this new girl named Tara, if I do I’ll end up in a conversation delaying myself and getting all worked up… ;) Remember I’ve been away for a while!

      So yes. Most men will want to dive head first into intimacy and if it doesn’t happen… well that’s cool and all too.

      To me, it just seems like he has things to take care of. He got in touch with you the day after the date – which is a good sign. He also texted you back that night which is another good sign.

      Of course it’s impossible for me to tell whether he was just “fishing” (no pun intended) to see if you would offer him something more and when you didn’t he thinks he has things to do anyways. No big deal.

      You must be strong and stay away from thinking you’re missing an opportunity with him. That only sets you up for desperate acts and, as you’ve already noticed, causes you to over-think.

      You must also not wait for him to come after you if he’s interested. That’s a game which sets up most women for failure and if he’s playing that game too – then where does that leave the both of you?

      Give him a fair amount of time to settle in and if you want to text or talk to him then do it.

      If he actually is interested in you he’s not going to think you’re clingy or crazy. As long as you’re not pestering him everyday or asking why he didn’t contact you or prying for information on why he’s disappeared for only a few days you’re not being clingy. You’re just keeping in touch which is fine.

      That’s the difference. Giving a man an ultimatum is clingy and needs like, “Call me or else we’re though!” Asking personal questions on why he hasn’t contacted you so quickly is also considered needy.

      You’ve obviously made a connection with him so my advice is to use those “secret” connections to keep in touch. THAT’S the best to way to “coax” a guy into wanting to see you again.

      Find something both of you remember about anything you talked about or something which reminds you of your past conversations while he was at sea or even on your date – and you let him know about in a fun and flirty way.

      You don’t have to leave a question, hoping for a response. You only have to remind him of how attracted he was to you and how when the month’s up – he’s going to miss you even more this time.

      Relax Tara. :)

      When you’re this “attracted” to a guy you’re going to feel off balance. You’re going to think about him. Just stay away from analyzing his every action or every delay in contacting you because that’s bound to get you in trouble with any self-secure guy who is used to his freedom.

      Thanks for writing in and I do hope my mass or word jumble has in the very least helped you to understand your situation a little better,


  • Emma

    Thanks for your article, it’s like you wrote it for me! But, I’ve got a question, Ive known this guy for almost three years now. In the first year, I , in particular ,didn’t like him and we used to fight almost every time. But, things got normal the following two years and we started texting each other almost all the time which got us close. About three weeks ago, he finally opened up to me and told me that he’s really into me and sealed that with a kiss. But, two days later, he tells me that he doesn’t think he’s ready yet, but I think it was because he was scared he would hurt me since ive opened up to him about my past relationship. We decided to meet up but he didn’t show up and when I texted to see if he was coming, he just said that he cant make it and postponed it. Not being happy about it, I told him how I felt(that I wasn’t happy with what he’d done). He got mad at me over that and told me i was “argumentative”. Ive been trying to make peace with with him but he’s been ignoring my calls and texts. He did tell my friend last week that he was mad at me because I was “controlling”. When I confronted him to find out why he couldn’t tell me about this and told him how much time I had to make on that day, he told me that he didnt care about what I did with my time and that it’s like I’m becoming another “stress”in his life. What do you think this man is up to?And what should I do?

    • Peter White

      I did write it for you Emma :)

      I don’t think he’s up to anything. It sounds like he let his “attractive desires” get the better of him and quickly realized what he did and so tried to back out without the confrontation. Kind of hoping you’d get the point.

      It doesn’t sound like he’s scared of hurting you, it just sounds like he believes you’re too much work for him. The words he used told you exactly what he was feeling – and entering a relationship with you is not going to change a thing.

      He said “Argumentative” which can easily mean he thinks you always need to be right AND he feels you judge him too much.

      He said “controlling” which can mean you’re only out to change him or his behavior which has probably not changed since you’re not liking him for a year.

      As you confront him you’re only proving to him why he doesn’t want to take things further with you. He’s doesn’t want the drama – he wants a woman he believes likes him for who he is and actually likes him from the beginning.

      I wouldn’t do anything if I were you. As tough as it is to let it go you’re only going to provoke him until you peak his anger to the point where’s he’s bound to say anything to keep you away.

      Despite of what the world believes – desire and attraction is not always enough for a guy to want to be with a girl. He may act on those desires and see how it plays out – he may give in despite what his brain is telling him – but in the end, for a relationship to happen most men need more ( up to and including ) absolute respect from a woman who he feels without a doubt – actually does like him for who he is.

      Hope that helps you out a bit Emma,

      • Emma

        Thanks Pete,
        I got to find out recently that he’s ignoring me because he feels he’s not good enough for me. He told his friend that he really wants to be with me because I’m that woman that he’s been praying and waiting for all his life.And that I’m the only woman who accepts him for him and wants nothing but the best for him. But, he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me or not and doesn’t want to play games with me as he’s trying to sort himself out(in terms of career) and his “mid-life crisis”and wants to focus. So, from what ive been told, it’s not about me it’s him or other things but unfortunately ended up taking it on me. Ive also gone into silence for almost two weeks now. The thing is, I don’t know if I should give him time or just move on because, I was in a relationship where I was always taking for granted since I always was the peacekeeper even when I wasn’t the problem. And I don’t want to end up in one again.

      • Emma

        To add more insult to the injury,
        A male colleague at work wanted to make an urgent phone so I decided to lsnd him mine since he couldn’t get network service on his. After the phone call, I realised he was going through the pictures on my phone and he even shown me pictures of the man in question and asked me who he was and I told him it was a friend. I wasn’t bothered that he was going through my pictures as we kind of have that “friendly”thing between us. Just days ago, I got back from my break at work to be asked by one of my female colleagues about a caller who said he was called by my company. My female colleague let me have a look at the number and when I did, I realised it was that of the man in question. As confused as I was, I tried to think of how possible it was for that to happen since he doesn’t have my work place number and ive never called him with it. While thinking, I noticed my male colleague laughing and when I asked him why he was doing so, he told me that he’s the one who called the man in question. “What?” I know! He told me that he’s done it several times with different numbers including private ones and whenever the man in question picks up he doesn’t say a word. He said he once called him and pretended he was selling a car to him. I was so mad but didn’t want to react since I was at work. Before you say anything, this colleague of mine is about to get married but he’s already told me that ill forever be in his memory(honestly, I dont know what he means by that and I’m not into him, but im wondering what that means). Now since this has been going on since my fight with the man in question, dont u think that he might think that im behind all this even though as I said earlier, ive been in silence for two weeks now. I don’t know what to do. And when I said he told his friend that I’m the woman he’s been praying and wishing for, it was due to the gfact that he said im smart, honest, funny, independent, determined and want to push him to his goals as I want what is best for him. Now Pete, I’m feeling guilty and I miss him and sometimes find myself wondering how he’s doing especially when i go to college and dont see any sign of him even though I know I have to keep my mind off him for now. Based on these two posts ive writing, what is the best thing to do because I don’t want to confront him anymore.

  • Tara

    Thanks for your advice Pete. I ended up waiting until five days after we had been out and then I sent him a quick text saying how are you and never got a reply! So embarrassing but I guess these things happen, it’s a little annoying when someone can’t just pick up the phone and say they’re not interested :-( so I deleted all his details and I’m sure someone even better will come along!

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Tara. I’m sure someone will too.

      If something like this happens again, try to send a different kind of text. Something like, “Stop missing me so much ya fool…” Something playful and fun and a reminder. They work much better to get a guy to respond.


  • Jess

    I asked my therapist once why the men I have dated seem to have “normal” relationships with other women but always seem to be needy, overtly jealous and somewhat overcompensating with me. He responded that my attitude gives off the impression that men only have one shot with me, and so they don’t want to screw it up. They act accordingly. Even though I’m completly the opposite in reality. In fact I over compensate for this impression in my relationships with men. This article is the only thing I’ve ever read that further explained why this happens. I’m wondering if you might answer a question for me with regards to a particular guy. For the past 8 years this guy and I have had an ongoing “relationship” that consists of him coming on to me in between my relationships while he plays the field normally and does not have other or any long term relationships with women. Which is fine. We are both emotionally unavailable to some extent, and have had trust issues with previous ex’s that make things complicated. Our “relationships” consist of months of phenomenal sex, conversation and what seems to be everything anyone could want from a partner. But there’s ALWAYS a moment where I do something for him like out a blanket on him when he falls asleep on my couch that makes him run. I can see it in his eyes. He’s thinking I love this girl and could be with her forever but I don’t wanna get hurt again, or fuck up like I did before. This last time was 3 weeks ago. I’m pretty intune with body language cues and think more like a man. I know when someone likes me. Why the f&ck does he run all the time? And even more than that why does he keep coming back to me after all these years? I know I let him, but one would think you wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who you know has feelings for you if you don’t want to commit. As it’s bound to get messy quickly. Seeing as when I asked why he gets so jealous, keeps coming back etc and he says I don’t know how to answer that question, but to say your sexy, “you’re one of the most loving generous blah blah blah people I have ever met,” is it possible that’s not enough? Or that he’s in denial? Someone can’t be all of the things you’ve ever wanted in a woman but still not be enough can they?

    • Peter White

      This is a shot in the dark Jess but I’ll try…

      It sounds like he has “Mommy” issues. He comes back to you when he needs intimacy on a level he either can’t find in another woman or feels you’re the easiest AND safest person to get it from but when the nurturing comes, that’s when he begins to feel naked and vulnerable.

      The safety gets replaced by an overwhelming fear of sharing something deeper and more meaningful. Moving forward might leave him vulnerable to an abandonment of not his choosing but the feeling like he’s always causing it.

      Trust me this is harder to explain that it is to understand as I’m not a therapist. But I do believe often these kind of deeply nested problems start in childhood and the relationship a guy has with his mother and father or the people who raised him.

      Often, until the root of the problem is resolved or realized fully, he may never have the strength to commit to any woman no matter who she is or what she has to offer.

      Note this won’t stop him from coming back around to the people he knows the best because again, there is a small amount of safety in that, rather than trying to open up to someone new. It also won’t stop him from experiencing jealousy because you’ve become his “go to” girl and might feel like that won’t last forever.

      Trust issues often start young and are played out later either by self-sabotaging or choosing the people who tend to prove their lack of self-worth they feel inside.

      Now as for your therapist who obviously knows you better than me AND is trained in this area, my gut tells me this – Your over-compensation draws men closer who need the most amount of nurturing and therefore tend to be the needy and jealous type.

      Keep in mind that lots of men don’t understand the difference between being nurtured and sharing intimacy and how they are separate things. They might feel by you giving them intimacy is your way of nurturing their sexual drive. Hence the confused “mommy” issues.

      But that’s a subject way too long and not thought out entirely my head to fully explain at this time.

      Just take this – the man who is probably perfect for you only needs you to help nurture a young family and not his confused youth thus being less needy and free of abnormal jealousy.

      Something tells me the men you claim to have had “normal” relationships with other women is based on what you see or predicted and not based on what really happened. In fact those relationships probably feel apart when their partners became less than what they thought they were looking for.

      I do hope this has helped you and my words find their intended meanings in your mind.

      All the best to you Jess,


  • melissa

    ok im not sure how to explain this but ill try… i started talking to this guy on a dating site we talked for a few mnths on there then decided to meet. well we did and it felt like we knew each other before we talked liked we were good friends we kept seeing each other started getting intence started talking about the future saying i love u and i was falling for him. then we talked on the fone the day before it was good then the next day or so i texed and called him he was ignoring me why? i asked him that and asked him what did i do wrong he say nothing no text, i waited and asked the same question he basically said i didnt do anything i just cant do this. what does that mean??? i feel so worthless. but anyways i told him if it was about seeing his daughter ill be there for u and whatever idk just so confused i just dont understand y he say i love u the day before and ignore the hell out of me the next.

    • Free

      You are much younger than me but hoping you can help me. I was married 20 years, now divorced. I’ve been single for four years. I dated some (online) and met only one man that I was seriously interested in (in person). We talked for six months? when we would see each other at a place we both took our kids too. Then I remember him ignoring me completely one time (didn’t come to talk to me). The next time he saw me he finally told me he wanted to be friends with benefits. He told me he thought I was very, very attractive. He wanted an answer before I left. I left without giving him an answer partly because I was mad at the ignoring me from the time before and I wasn’t expecting that from him after six months? of talking. I didn’t think he was my type initially (long hair and shorter for a guy) but he grew on me and I had a serious crush on him by the time he told me “he only wanted FWB relationships”. Next time I saw him about a month later he was with a date it looked like but he winked at me when she wasn’t looking. I didn’t talk with him cause he was with someone and left a note on his car to call me maybe. He called over a week later, told me he was seeing someone, thought I was seeing someone also (he misunderstood me), told me he didn’t want to be second choice. I told him he was never second, I didn’t know what I wanted with him though. So after that sometimes he would ignore and sometimes he would be looking at me like he was in love with me, and sometimes he would be very friendly. He has very short hair now and I think he look very good. I hadn’t seen him in about six months until last weekend. I was at the same place as him for about 20 minutes. He was busy on his phone or something and may have had someone with him so I didn’t approach him. I no longer know if I like him or not but there is an attraction there. Why does he ignore me sometimes? Is he embarassed that when he offered a type of relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted with him I ran away?

  • Mia

    After reading this blog (which by the way was well written and very insightful) it reminded me of my current situation and I hope by commenting I can receive some answers. Before I explain myself, I would like to point out that I do not have much experience when it comes to “dating”, so my problem may seem a little immature and young. I hope that whoever reads this will spare any negative judgement. I simply want an opinion….

  • LeeLeeG

    I have a similar situation to this and need advice better tailored to my situation.

    I am from NJ and my dad had to move to VA for work. He works with this guy from MI. My dad realized how much this boy and I have in common so he introduced us in November. I noticed that he was very respectful to everyone at the dinner (all of his coworkers and their wives) so I decided to give him my number since I was going to be moving to VA shortly. I am very attracted to him and we do have a lot in common. We got to know each other texting a few times a week, we spoke about pretty much everything except drama and our problems (out of respect I didn’t ask and we never mentioned to each other because we like to keep it up beat) but we did talk about relationships in general and he is very shy. I’m 19 and he will be 25. He said “the age thing is kind of big to him” and I told him that I respect that. We both agreed we weren’t looking for anything serious because he wants to further his career first and so do I. he’s a gentleman and very sweet but over the past 8 months he’s texted me first maybe once. I always have to initiate. In February I came down to VA for a weekend and he couldn’t find time to hang out with me, but he told my dad that his hockey team had a chance at ice time and he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want me to think that he was choosing hockey over me. But he never said any of this to me. I obviously understood. So by April he received a promotion and got moved to NC. I still had not yet moved to VA and therefore never hung out with him. I texted him and told him how happy I was for him and asked him if we could still be friends. He said Of course, So we continued to talk like normal. Come the end of April, I had had too much to drink one night and I was texting him. I sent him a suggestive snapchat and one thing led to another. I laughed and said “I can’t believe this I thought you were such a gentleman but why haven’t we done this ever before?” And he said because he didn’t want me to think that he was a bad kid. The next day I apologized and he said that it was completely alright and not to worry, he deleted everything. I thanked him and went back to my work. We didn’t talk for a month. He stopped returning my texts, I sent him a snapchat and said wtf? And he said I’m sorry my phone is fucked up, don’t text me, call me. And I said okay. I never did, I was afraid I would catch him at the wrong time and he’d be busy. So at the beginning of June I asked him (because I had no one else) to write me a letter of recommendation for college. He told me to write it and he would sign it. Just as well I know he’s busy and he doesn’t know THAT much about me to actually write it. So I wrote one and he took care of it for me. Later that week, we sexted again after we had too much to drink. Here we are at the end of July, I have texted him 3 times in the last month and a half (usually every 2 weeks) just to talk, not sexually, and he has not responded. He has never not responded to me before. He used to snapchat me a lot (just funny things) and that has stopped too. He opens mine, I can see that he does. And he talks to other people on Facebook and I can see he snapchats his friends. But never me. I know he isn’t seeing anybody because of what we talked about before. He’s very responsible. I just don’t understand. Am I supposed to take the hint or keep trying? I just can’t believe he wouldn’t have the respect to tell me the truth. That’s why I’m so lost. I know he’s better than that.

    • LeeLeeG

      Update: I texted him yesterday and he replied with “who’s this? My phone lost all of its contacts.” And I told him who I was. We chatted for a bit but just talk of my move and his new job and such. He gave me some great advice because I’m having trouble adjusting. I thanked him and apologized for complaining and he said “it’s no problem. Helping others should never be a burden to anyone.” Idk he’s so nice to me I just don’t understand him being so distant. Is it because he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and really wishes I would just leave him alone?

      • Peter White

        Hello LeeLeeG,

        I understand how easy it is to get hooked on someone and not see the signs but you have to realize the signs were always there AND you’ve learned something about men but are having trouble seeing it…

        First many of us are weak when it comes to a younger woman coming on to us – drunk and all – and only appearing to be looking for sex.

        So it’s not uncommon for “something” to happen when you start it.

        Except he’s given you every signal he “technically” only wants to be friends. That he feels you’re too young for him for a relationship AND his focus is on his career for now.

        He also has not initiated many, if any, conversations with you so he’s kept his distance.

        Besides his weakness for the sex thing he hasn’t given you any reason to believe there’d be anything more. He HAS respected you because he’s done nothing but tell you the truth from the beginning BUT you keep trying to find a way to make something more of it.

        I honestly don’t think he wants you to leave him alone entirely but he also realizes the “sex” thing has complicated everything and that if he succumbs again, he’s opening the door to more drama which could ultimately lead to more questions from you.

        He also realizes that no matter what you’ve said, how you’re sorry for starting it – how you’re okay with just being friends – how you respect his wishes – have NOT proven true and it almost feels like you want something more from him and your actions have only proven it to him.

        Okay yes – lots of men are weak in the sex area. Sometimes saying no is not a strength of ours.

        His distance is only a sign that there’s ( for the time being ) not going to be anything more and that he feels his weakness is making things way too complicated and much of what I mentioned above.

        Personally I would leave it where it is and trust me I understand how when you’re drinking how tough it is to “stay away” but you have to look elsewhere or I fear you’ll find getting past all this much more difficult if you don’t.

        It doesn’t appear you have any trouble with guys in general but you must find yourself meeting other guys who are ready – take this as a learning exercise in men – and how we’re not really that complicated – if you recognize the signs and take our words for what they are.

        We rarely mean anything different than what we say and when our actions are consistent with our words – trust it’s exactly what it looks to be.

        Best to you LeeLee G and I do hope this has helped clear up any of your confusion,


        • LeeLeeG

          This has helped a lot. Thank you so much. I won’t come on to him anymore but I do want to become closer friends. He’s a great person, the kind of loyalty and respect that you don’t see anymore. In men or women. I would like him to someday realize that we are good together when he’s ready but I fear he won’t. I’ve never met anyone that I have this much in common with and I just can’t help but wonder.. Is it meant to be? I’m not even sure if I believe in that sort of thing.

          • LeeLeeG

            Last update: thank you for all of your help but we just spoke tonight, and he is moving into a new apartment (still in NC) and one of his friends from MI is moving in with him. A girl. They’ve been friends for years and “she needed a fresh start” so I said “aww maybe things will change between you two.” And he said probably. So I’m taking that as the last sign that we aren’t meant to be and I have to give up on trying to change his mind. I continued the conversation in a friendly manner and that’s just the way it has to be. I wish things were different but there’s nothing I can do. Thank you again for all of your help.

  • Stacey

    Hey, I read your blog and I have a guy that I’m extremely attracted to but he’s pretty much ignoring me or he picks and chooses when he wants to speak.. We met for the first time in about october time last year & we didn’t really speak I don’t think cause I was really shy.. We met each other again about a week ago as I’m really good friends with his older brother & they invited me to the guys house for a drink.. To cut a long story short, we were flirting, telling each other how attractive we thought the other person was & we did end up having sex.. We said we’d meet up the following Monday which didn’t happen yet he said I could see him again & he called me babe.. I thought he was still interested but surely he can’t be if now he’s ignoring me or just picks and chooses when to speak.. To make the situation even worse he’s moving away soon & I do have history with his older brother, yet he seems absolutely fine with what’s happened between me & his youngest brother who’s 18.. Please help me figure out what’s happening..

    • Peter White

      Hi Stacey – what happened is… sex. You had sex before anything real happened and although it’s possible to move to something more from it – THAT rarely happens and it’s usually not recommended or advised.

      He’s not given you anything real to go by – his actions are from a guy who thought just sleeping with you was fine and now he doesn’t feel responsible or obliged to do anything else… especially if he’s moving away soon AND you’ve messed around with his brother(s). ( Not really sure there because you said you have history with his older brother but that he’s fine with what happened with his youngest brother. )

      So what’s happening is casual sex and I’m, sure he’s seeing nothing more than that and doesn’t feel obliged to make anything more of it. Which is why you rarely hear from him.

      A man who wants something more doesn’t act like that ( mostly ).

      Hope that helps you out Stacey and all the best to you,


  • Araceli

    Hi Pete,

    Who doesnt hate mixed signals? So this guy (coworker) some how got my phone number and we began texting for a couple of weeks. We went out once we both laughed a lot and had a great time. We continued texting then i invited him over and we watched movies, kissed and messed around although he did say he was trying to be good (no sex). I offered for him to spend the night because he was sleepy but he didn’t. He hugged and kissed me goodnight then i told him we needed not to say anything at work and he agreed. I asked him to text once he got home which he didnt. After not hearing from him for Two days i texted him “so did you make it home” he replied “yes silly” and i haven’t heard from him since (2 weeks now). I have not texted either. my question is why did he lead me on and how do i act when i see him at work?

  • Bluelove

    Okay so I’m confused about this guy for a while. He’s a classmate of mine but we know each other since last year we’re also classmates. I have a crush on him last year up until yesterday. EXACTLY last month everything is going well and we were becoming close! I was beyond ecstatic because he always talks to me, even teasing me! He didn’t do that last year that’s why it was a brand new experience. It felt really good and I assumed he liked me too. I was really infatuated with the guy I even forgot to be myself one time. But then one day he just stopped talking to me. More like ignoring me! So I was really confused and my friends talked to me about it, they said I was being moody and such when he teases me and he noticed it. And they saw that I was being “feeling too close” or something. Then I remembered that yes, I became moody to him one time. So the day after that (yesterday) I didn’t talk to him. I acted like my usual self and just pretended that he’s not there and you know what? It worked. My feelings vanished. It just disappeared! Like I don’t care anymore, I don’t seem that affected anymore. It felt great to be free! But these days I’m my usual self now, my friend talked to me about something. She said she caught my ex-crush (or just whatever it is called) looking at me straight in the eye while I was not looking and if it weren’t for her catching his attention I would have probably melted right then and there. So I was MORE CONFUSED and asked what is she talking about. She said maybe he was liking me, but it was too late. Saying I already moved on and such. Which I will admit, is true. Please help me, I don’t know what to do anymore!

  • anonymous

    Read ur article and thought u can help with advice plz…. –
    Im a student studying away from home. A guy recently added me on Facebook ( studying in my university) and altho i found it really random for him to privately message me (during vac), when he’s not my friend, i replied and he was a really cool guy.. so we kinda became friends and he asked 4 my number to text me. i made it known to him that i dont want a relationship on campus and i dont usually keep guys as friends. he seemed to try and work around my kinda ‘terms and conditions” and i kinda liked that. he asked me out as a friend, i wasn’t comfortable with going out with him, so i said “we’ll see”… he stays in the same complex as me, just opposite so i said he could cum over to visit rather (he hasn’t visited as yet coz we only had this convo 3 days ago)… so basically altho we not gng out, we started becoming good friends… and its been just 3 weeks. he often speaks of settling down next year… and he knows i want something stable also. basically i get the impression, he’s tryna make a move but on the sly. And so last week, i went to a function and i didn’t know he”d be there too. I sat with a good friend that i hadn’t met 4 long. He sat on the table opposite and it was awkward coz i know he took occasional stares. So while catching up with my friend, she mentions and shows me his chats to her… seems lyk he’s making a move with her as well, and he just started speaking to her like this week. He obviously didn’t realise that we were good friends. he ignored us both during the function and i haven’t heard from him since. I dont understand his intentions, he used to chat to me all the time and i kinda felt part of his everyday life and made him apart of mine. he often tries to ask my views on my life partner… i dont understand why he’s tried to pursue 2 of us together… and now his ignoring the both of us…he didn’t know her that well but he was good friends with me…so y would he be ignoring me suddenly? I sent him a friendly text to which I got no reply…curiosity is killing me

    • Peter White

      Hello Anonymous,

      I believe you saw it just as you wrote it – and you’re absolutely right. He wasn’t satisfied with the “just friends” thing and he figured he could work around it. A lot of guys do that and depending on the guy – if he’s looking for something else from the beginning, that’s ALL he will ever settle for.

      The only type of guy who will “settle” with a friendship when they set out looking for a girlfriend are guys who are exceptionally good with women and are dating others AND just enjoy you as a friend.

      But I don’t see him being that type of guy. So while you felt you were becoming good friends, he’s thinking this closeness could possibly lead to something else.

      Then the poor guy got himself in a situation and he pulled back because it felt like he betrayed you or you might think he’s some kind of player. Little does he know “players” rarely act shameful.

      His “pull back” also reinforces my belief he’s always wanted something more with you and was using the friendship to stay close as he hoped it would lead to something more.

      If he truly just wanted to be your friend then “hitting” on your friend or trying to hook up with her would not have been a problem. After all – if he’s such a great guy, why wouldn’t you want him to be happy with a friend of yours. Right?

      He’s ignoring the both of you because he believes he HAD a chance with you. But, you must admit, to just set his eyes on you would be wrong so as he attempts to date someone else ( who just happened to be your friend ) he thinks he’s been caught kind of cheating on you – but you’re not dating or intimately involved making that impossible.

      Guys do this stuff all the time and typically they’re the guys who find themselves in the friends zone way too often. They get close to you. Try to find out what you’re looking for in a boyfriend. And then try to become that guy.

      SO I’d say yes – he’s trying to make a move on both of you. Although his tactics are not really helping himself I don’t see anything wrong with a guy trying… especially because you told him you only wanted to be friends.

      Hope that helps your curiosity and I believe, sooner or later, you’ll hear from him again as he works out a way to apologize to you thinking he’s done something wrong.

      All the best to you Anonymous ( By the way — love the name :) )


  • Shannon Hughes

    If a guy likes you one minute, then ignores you the next, he’s an immature asshole-plain and simple.

    • Peter White

      I wanted to ignore this but… :)

      What if you think he’s ignoring you but he’s not? What if he likes you but doesn’t want to smother you with too much affection? What if he had something bad happen?

      All things considered Shannon – what happens when you fall for a guy and you come on way too strong and over the top ( or needy ) – so he starts to ignore you because he’s not interested anymore and is looking for some much needed space?

      Sure the mature thing would be to break it off nicely but the real asshole thing to do would be to lead you on making you believe you had a chance.

      With all these possible outcomes – is ignoring someone really a true sign of their character?

      • Shannon Hughes

        I don’t come on too strong, I don’t come across as needy, clingy or desperate. You’re right-an asshole is someone who leads you on making you believe you have a chance with them. I still stand strong on this-any man w.ho plays the hot and cold game is an immature asshole

        • Shannon Hughes

          I’d also like to add that I believe that people are defined by their actions, so, yes, ignoring someone is a sign of their character. A person’s actions will you tell you everything you need to know.

  • Confused Girl

    So I was “talking” to this guy from school whom from the first day I met him I knew was into the FWB thing. I have never been in a FWB relationship and so I decided that I was going to try it, even though he never said let’s be FWB. Well month one was alot of hanging out, dinners, mall walking, holding hands type of thing and he would text all the time just like BF not a FWB..month two was shy kisses at first to full on makeout sessions from him and he would always say how he didn’t want to pressure me, how he wanted to be sure I wanted it too…month three almost to the point of intimacy but for some reason sex wouldn’t happen and he would text less almost to the point that I had to initiate almost all the time…month four was emotional because he would tell me how he respected me, how I was funny and a very nice person and that he thought I was having too many deep feelings for him and an FWB relationship was not for me and that he couldn’t have one with me. I kept trying to convince him otherwise but it didn’t work. I ended up getting a bit upset and basically told him he was a little boy(he was younger and I have children) that I thought he liked to hide his feelings for girls and that’s probably why he always had drama with girls. He never responded. I think he either liked me too much or not at all.

    This happened last year and now this year I met another guy whom I flirt with, but he is always at work when it happens so I gave him my number and told him to call me. He told me in person that he hadn’t called because his phone was broken but he still flirts when I see him.

    What do you think about both situations? Do i attract the same type of guy?

    • Peter White

      I’m not really sold on this whole friends with benefits thing – you’re either dating someone or you’re not. Put it this way – you wouldn’t date someone who you wouldn’t be friends with… right? I assume, if I’m dating someone we’re on friendly terms.

      I know – semantics right? Haha!

      But still you want the truth – he was feeling you out ( dating you ) and decided you were not for him. That’s all.

      When ( as a woman ) you get the, “I respect you… You’re funny and a nice person” it means he’s not feeling it fully or has decided you were not meant for each other. They will also tell you, “Things are moving too quickly” or as in your case, “you’re having too many deep feelings for him.”

      All of that means he feels you’re only going to settle for a committed relationship when he only wants to date and see where it goes.

      You already figured out that at that point – you can’t convince a guy to feel something they’re not. He liked you at first or else he wouldn’t have done those things.

      BUT most guys don’t do those things and hide their feelings. You just responded out of anger which is totally understandable because you were hurt.

      He probably didn’t respond because he understood that and didn’t want to get into an argument where you berated him and tried to convince him to like you back.

      As for the second guy – it’s hard for me to tell. Yes he could just be flirting with you and not want anything else. He could be too scared to tell you you’re just work – flirty – buddies. And yes, his phone could’ve been broken BUT sooner or later his phone will be fixed and I’m sure you’ll have the answer you’re looking for.

      I have no way of knowing if they’re the same type of guy or if you personally attract the same type of guys but I will say this…

      When it comes to dating – you’re the one in control over the guys you decide to date or not.

      This means it’s possible for you to attract many types of guys.

      However it’s not your choice to feel it for some guys. You either do or you don’t. But how you act on those emotions with certain guys is under your control.

      Relationships are not built on chemistry along so if you’re following that – you could be setting yourself up to fail more often than not. Relationships are built and transcend the initial chemistry and lead to something greater. That’s why I recommend actually “dating” for a while and exploring many options before you ever commit.

      Which might mean you have to push back guys when they get too heavy too quickly. If they have a life and are really into you -the right ones will stick around.

      Hope this helps you a little and leaves you a little less confused than you were before you wrote in. All the best to you Miss Girl,


  • Ana

    Hi Pete,
    Thanks for the post – the first few paragraphs seem to have been written specially for me! :) Well, and apparently lots of other people, because I didn’t realise it was that common… Anyway, I am rather surprised that you refer to this… erm… phenomenon as a ‘seemingly innocent “passive agressive” method’. It does not seem so innocent to me.
    A bit of background information first.
    I have been quite unlucky with relationships: ‘leading on’ is mostly what happens. I suppose it has taught me that the better you treat someone the worse they are going to be treating you, but don’t get me wrong – I’ve never been clingy or anything and I never wanted to have a relationship for the sake of it.
    At the same time, if I got a pound every time some guy told me I was ‘too good’ or ‘almost perfect’, which I’m not, I would have had quite a bit of money by now, so maybe the reason they end up leading me on is that I’m too nice to be told to bugger off?.. Anyway, the point is that I feel more insecure and am more careful every time I meet a new guy, because this has really been a pattern.
    Now the actual stuff.
    So the man in question has been an acquaintance of mine for a couple of years. We have got a lot of mutual friends and since recently he also happens to be my music director. Previously I thougt he really did not like me. Well, I was ignored most of the time. Last year we saw each other more often at some social gatherings and got on really well. Plus he would always come to whatever I was organising. A few months ago, all of a sudden, he started to invite me to places and be very attentive and do all those gentlemanly things and drop various jokes about future life together, so our mutual friends started to suspect that something was brewing. From those who know him better than me, I found out that he had always been an enigma – nobody knows about any past relationships and lots of girls tried but every single one failed. I also knew that he is friends with lots of girls (he is certainly straight though!), which is why I thought it was nothing special from the beginning, but I got told that he treats me different from the rest of them. I really like him, but I have just been through a horrible story with someone else (which he doesn’t know about, btw), so I was still hurt and extra careful and did not want to put myself out there. I just enjoyed the time together and all his nice gestures. As it continued, I started to put more effort into trying to please him and occasionally asking him out myself. In short, I have made it obvious that I am into him. It was all fine until recently, when he started to cancel on me at the last moment (although he was the one who suggested meeting at first place), then get back and be lovely, express an active wish to do something together, then disappear (for a month!), then get back and take me out, and then finally, a few days ago, completely ignore me in front of other people and leave as if deliberately trying to make me understand that he couldn’t care less about me, not even driving me home for the first time in ages. I was walking home quietly weeping. I know that he likes his freedom (as indeed any man does). He keeps himself busy and enjoys his life, as I enjoy mine, and I don’t want to intrude, because coming across as threatening and needy is the last thing I want to do. If his behaviour is a way of telling me to leave him alone, then I will – I’m used to that, although he could have just told me. But if it is what you call an innocent method of getting a girl, then do I want a guy like this, as much as I like him? What right does someone have to treat me as if I had no feelings, to play hot and cold and then expect me to come after him? I am sorry but I’ve got my pride – not much, but I do. And I also feel insecure, maybe as insecure as he does, and I think it is unfair to land the girl with having to decipher what a man wants – to leave him or to chase him – and act on it, which on top of that can be a very unpleasant experience if the girl gets it wrong. I would love to talk and openly ask him, but then again – men tend to see it as confrontation and get scared. Maybe I should be softer if I want him to stay (unless it all was just a joke for him, in which case I have all the right to be furious), but then I am not a door mat and there is just so many things I will do to keep the guy, again, as much as I like him. Sorry, it went on a bit. Thanks for reading anyway and I hope you could help me with advice, having a better understanding of how a man’s brain works, but to conclude, I do understand that men get scared and confused, and there is a lot of social psessure and expectations, and that you are not at all as tough as you look, but I honestly do not think such behaviour is fair on girls. Considering also that we tend to overthink much more than you do (hence all these comments, including mine, hehe), it makes our lives very difficult.
    Ta, A

  • Ghazal

    Hi…. could you please tell me What is The best to do when we have such as these guys that He Likes me one time , Then he pretends he barely knows me ?

    • Peter White

      Hi – perhaps the issue might come down to a few things – making better first impressions, leaving him ( in the beginning ) of wanting or needing to know more ( creating lots of first stage attraction ) , assuming he doesn’t want to come across as “pretending” to know you so well…

      And here’s a real goodie – there’s a possibility a guy is pretending he barely knows you because he’s wants to get to know you better.

      Do the first few things well and understand that sometimes it’s actually fun to “kind of” start over a few times just to see how the interaction changes – for better or for worse.

      I say – leave a lasting impression is all you can do and some will pretend, some won’t remember, some will not be able to get you out of their head, some are just plain clueless or wrapped up in their world to notice anything.

      But leave the impression first ( focusing on yourself ) because that’s the part you DO have control over.

      Thanks Ghazal and best of luck to your new first impressions,


  • Amy

    Hey i needed some advice about a guy im seeing. We’ve been talking for 4 months now and I decided to ask him about our “status” on the relationship. We both agreed to continue going on dates but not put the “label” on us yet. He told me that I’m the only girl hes seeing, that he’s “exclusive” for me. He told me how im the only girl hes been seeing for these past few months. That same night we made plans for Wed (the “talk” was on sunday). Tuesday comes along and he texted saying if we can reschedule to friday/saturday (we picked friday). On Friday, he texted me saying he has to cancel cause “hes not in the mood” and apologized few times for cancelling twice. I asked him if i did something and he said not really and apologized again. I asked him if he wanted to reschedule for Sat and he never replied back. I messaged if everything is okay but no replies. He is normally a private person and keeps most things to himself but i dont know why hes ignoring me. He never replied to my messages for 3 days now. I cant help to think maybe i did something since we just “talked about us” just days ago.. but right now im planning not to msg him for couple of days. I dont know what happened or what changed for him to start ignoring me.

  • Confused Heart

    Hi Pete,

    When I read your article, it felt as though it was written to describe my current situation. I have been having this teasing relationship with a colleague of mine and this guy is most likely very cautious of office relationship. He will always be the one approaching me, asking me for coffee break and teasing me non-stop. He will go to the extent of asking me to lunch and dinner but then extending the invitation to other colleagues too.

    At first, I thought that I read too much into these action and he may not be liking me at all but all these action persisted and I can’t help but falling for him. All other colleagues really thought that we are together but keeping it low as they read into our communication with each other. Out of a sudden, he became passive aggressive, ignoring me at work but flirts or laugh with other female colleagues. He even ignored my text all week and I am getting really confused. He is usually a late reply kind of person but the outright ignoring is the first. :(

    I will admit that there are some guys at work that are after me and I sometimes flirt with them just to see his reaction but so far.. nothing.

    I am just so confused now that I am writing to you.

    • Peter White

      Hi Confused Heart – it sounds like he is trying to get you to chase him AND you’re trying to get him to chase you AND it’s not working for either one of you.

      He wants you to extend something more and all he saw from you was – flirting with other guys trying to get a reaction from him.

      It’s one thing to flirt with lots of people but when it’s done just to figure out another guy’s intentions – it rarely leads to something on the level. In fact it can send lots of men down the passive aggressive lane.

      It may even have them thinking you’re too much work.

      It can also have them believing you’re not really interested. Something which may have been backed up in his mind when he realized you’re not chasing him like some love crazed woman.

      My best guess is – if you’re not getting a reaction from him AND he’s not getting back to you he’s either steaming inside, hiding away his jealousy, trying to play it cool OR he’s just not interested in office dating but still likes to keep it fun.

      Thanks for writing and I know you didn’t get a definite answer but I do hope I’ve steered you in a better direction which is less confusing,


  • sara

    “If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.” this. don’t do this. ok? unless you want to end up with a manipulative b$tch that knows how to play the game, which many “shy” guys end up with because they refuse to be straightforward. stop it. no one wins when you pull sh$t like this. just go for it. and if she doesn’t like a guy who is straightforward and goes for it- find a girl that does like that- they are out there. believe me. they may not be the playboy bimbo, but they are out there.

    • Peter White

      It’s okay Sara – we’re mostly adults here… you can write “bitch” or “shit” :)

      Great points though but I must add “acting” is the key word here. If they’re trying to act, their being manipulative – and yes, they’ll probably end up with someone who know how to play the game better.

      Thanks for sharing Sara – I love this kind of shit. :D


  • Dude

    I’m a dude . And this is probably the most accurate post regarding this topic around the internet. Trust this .

  • Iris

    Hi there,

    I have a situation going on right now and I don’t know how to act upon it (or on the guy for that matter)
    I’ve been seeing this guy for about two months now once a week. We met through a mutual friend. On the first date we hit it off right away. (and it felt good) So we started to see each other once a week, but not consistently because of work. But I noticed every time we were together for a evening (and night) there were a few days after that, that we did not talk. Fine by me, I need to reflect on things as well. However I’m really falling for this guy. Last week (when we had a lot of drinks) he confessed he really liked me, but that he had commitment issues. Also he told me that it scared him how easy we hit it off and how comfortable and trusted it felt between us. I told him I really liked him, and experienced the same concerning feeling comfortable around him. We were supposed to meet the same evening again (after we separated that morning due to appointments) The appointments got late so he proposed to meet up later that week, I agreed. However I haven’t heard of him since that day. (it’s been 5 days now). I texted him Wednesday when we were to meet again, but not a single response… I do have to confess I have issues as well regarding expressing my feelings, ( I can act distantly and aloof). How am I supposed to act upon this? Because I’ve never been so sure about a guy…

    • Peter White

      Hi there Iris,

      It’s often taught to guys, although it’s very loosely based, that women will go in “relationship” mode if you see her or contact her more than once a week.

      This has been observed to be true and obviously depends on the people involved.

      If he is really not the committal type I would expect him to disappear often and occasionally not answer you.

      With that said – five days is not that long and if you give him space and the freedom he seems to need – when he’s ready… felt things out long enough – explored life without you – time to realize you’re not putting him on a time table – or forcing the issue – WHEN and IF he’s finally ready, he’ll begin to contact you more and more and more frequently.

      Just remember YOU are an integral part of this couple equation. YOU must set guidelines for yourself and do your best to stick to them. Sure you can be not entirely strict by those rules but at least define something.

      This means – let’s say a year would be cool for you – don’t tell him but if he’s keeping you in waiting that long and still can’t commit, move on.

      You must know the answers for yourself. Don’t get caught in his perpetual indecision. Stick to what YOU want for YOU an again, as long as you’re not pestering or constantly asking him to define what you are to him – then when he’s ready AND you’re the right woman for him – he’ll step up.

      I understand it’s a delicate thing – how long to give him – what to do in the meantime – how to get him to see you’re worth giving up dating other women for – but just remember – what you’re doing now IS working so keep doing it.

      I’ve suggest these two articles a lot and for good reasons – they make a lot of sense . You shouldn’t have to nudge a guy. And that includes you Iris:

      The first one is at The Approach:


      The second one is here:


      I do hope this all helps you out Iris and makes things happen naturally for you and your guy,

      All the best to you,


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