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Are We Ignoring You and What Friends With Benefits Might Mean To A Guy

in Guys Not Being Real, Quick Guy Question and Answers
Are We Ignoring You and What Friends With Benefits Might Mean To A Guy post image

You are much younger than me but hoping you can help me.

I was married 20 years, now divorced. I’ve been single for four years.

I dated some (online) and met only one man that I was seriously interested in (in person). We talked for six months. when we would see each other at a place we both took our kids too.

Then I remember him ignoring me completely one time (didn’t come to talk to me).

The next time he saw me he finally told me he wanted to be friends with benefits. He told me he thought I was very, very attractive. He wanted an answer before I left.

I left without giving him an answer partly because I was mad at the ignoring me from the time before and I wasn’t expecting that from him after six months of talking.

I didn’t think he was my type initially (long hair and shorter for a guy) but he grew on me and I had a serious crush on him by the time he told me “he only wanted FWB relationships”.

Next time I saw him about a month later he was with a date it looked like but he winked at me when she wasn’t looking. I didn’t talk with him cause he was with someone and left a note on his car to call me maybe.

He called over a week later, told me he was seeing someone, thought I was seeing someone also (he misunderstood me), told me he didn’t want to be second choice.

I told him he was never second, I didn’t know what I wanted with him though.

So after that sometimes he would ignore and sometimes he would be looking at me like he was in love with me, and sometimes he would be very friendly.

He has very short hair now and I think he look very good.

I hadn’t seen him in about six months until last weekend. I was at the same place as him for about 20 minutes. He was busy on his phone or something and may have had someone with him so I didn’t approach him.

I no longer know if I like him or not but there is an attraction there.

Why does he ignore me sometimes?

Is he embarrassed that when he offered a type of relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted with him I ran away?

Hello Free,

You’re sweet 🙂 Well let’s see if this “much younger” ( btw you forgot handsome ) man can help you out.

First, we need to be clear of what “ignoring you” really is.

It seems lots of women believe either a guys is ignoring you or he is talking to you. Where is the middle ground?

If we’re not all over you – acknowledging you constantly – talking to you every second – blowing off our jobs or things we need to get done – then we’re ignoring you.

And that is just not the case.

As a guy and I’m sure lots of men would agree….

We define “ignore” as when a man or woman has made every attempt to talk to us, contact us, or message us either directly or through a friend and the we choose to not acknowledge it or say anything back.

We are NOT ignoring someone if we choose to not say anything or make some sort of contact.

Most of the time we’re just living our lives and for whatever reason which may exist a particular woman is not involved in it or doesn’t fit in that moment.

That’s all.

A good rule to follow here is:

If you make a reasonable effort to contact a guy by any means possible ( approach, message, call, leave a note ) and he doesn’t respond within a reasonable amount of time based on your relationship with him, then he is definitely ignoring you.

Otherwise – we need to call it something else.

You wrote, “So after that sometimes he would ignore and sometimes he would be looking at me like he was in love with me, and sometimes he would be very friendly.”

Based on the man-rule 😀 I wrote above:

If he’s interacting with you like looking at you and being friendly then he’s not ignoring you.

The communication difference here is not a problem on the surface but does become a problem for you and I ( meaning ALL men and women ) when we assume another persons actions has anything to do with us at all.

You’re not alone. Tons of guys do the very same thing and it mostly happens when he’s attracted to a woman.

Suddenly he questions everything she does or says or NOT says as if it has anything to do with him at all. And most of the time it doesn’t.

Of course we need to keep all this in perspective and realize certain things…

Like if he’s in a room with you and ten other people and chooses to talk to everyone BUT you then sure – he’s ignoring you.

If he’s in a room with you and doesn’t make his way to everyone including you, then he’s not ignoring you.

Now that we’ve defined “ignoring” and put some stuff in its proper perspective – we can finally get to some of the more stressing issues you mention – like the “friends with benefits” thing and how he reacted afterward to you not giving him an answer.

You may find this weird but you know it’s true:

A non-answer or no response from a woman ( as far as us guys are concerned ) means NO and not maybe but with a catch.

You may have believed you gave him a maybe but when you didn’t answer his question – but he considered that as being no with a clause.

Not a definite no but a clear signal that your answer could be changed with an effort which he may or may not choose to put forth fully.

It’s different from a maybe because in our eyes – maybe means YES but that you’re just being coy or cute or teasing us – which is really cool and all.

No answer to us represents more work than a maybe and sometimes we’re not willing to, for many reasons, work for it.

Maybe because we believe if we try harder you’ll lose the attraction.

Maybe because we believe you don’t like us enough anyways.

Maybe because we believe while we’re busy trying to change your mind, you’re letting some other guy get what we think we deserve and we don’t think that’s fair.

You asked,

“Is he embarrassed that when he offered a type of relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted with him I ran away?”

I don’t think he was embarrassed – I believe what he was offering was not real because I don’t back up the whole “friends with benefits” thing.

Something you can read more about in a post I wrote at DiaLteG TM after a movie came out. It’s right here –> There Are No Friends With Benefits – Alpha Men Don’t Sleep With Friends

If we take a closer look at what he said, “He doesn’t want to be second choice” but only offered you friendship as long as you have sex with him AND he quickly found himself in a relationship – to me that means he was looking for someone else entirely and wanted to use you for sex.

The “second choice” thing just doesn’t match up to what he was offering in the first place.

So what – he wanted to be your first choice because he finds you attractive enough to have sex with – but not good enough to explore a possible relationship with.

I’d say his “second choice” argument meant he was feeling jealous or upset because you didn’t cave in to his demands and is trying a slightly different tactic to get what he wants from you.

Now of course I understand I’m judging a little but it’s also based on my experience and on my feeling as a guy and the things I believe in.

I think by you not giving him an answer right away has worked out for you because as I stated above – Not a definite no but a clear signal that your answer could be changed with an effort which he may or may not choose to put forth fully.

He wasn’t willing to put in the effort and to me that means he doesn’t see you as “relationship” material and judged by his actions – that may have worked out in your favor because:

  1. You came here and I appreciate that. 🙂
  2. You asked some pretty important questions to you and I’m sure lots of other women will learn from your experience.
  3. You now understand how us guys tend to interpret your answers – yes, no, maybe, or silence.
  4. You now understand what FWB really means to lots of men everywhere.

Thank you for writing in and I do hope my answers have cleared up any confusion you were feeling and my response has helped you in ways I can’t put into words,

This young man is definitely wishing you all the best Free…

Pete

About the author: Peter White… Showing men and women ways to attract each other naturally by helping you to understand each other. Over ten years experience which has shown me how to see things clearly and get to the root cause of most dating and relationships problems. Hope you learn and enjoy your why do guys experience.

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4 comments… add one
  • Free

    Thank you, Peter. You said “So what – he wanted to be your first choice because he finds you attractive enough to have sex with – but not good enough to explore a possible relationship with.” This is how I originally took it and it made me angry because I felt I wasted six months getting to know him. For what? You don’t need to invest that much time and energy if you just want to have sex with someone. Later, I started to doubt my original reaction.

    He seemed so sweet, caring, and considerate during those first six months I knew him. It is frustrating to be dating in my mid forties. Dating feels starnge after 20 years of not (being married). Most single men my age are not attractive to me at all. I have taken over a year break from dating.

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Free.

      Try not to see “time” as ever being wasted. Getting to know people is what we do and it’s only when we put an outcome on the interaction does it feel wasted.

      Sure you wanted more – I certainly understand the pressure you must be feeling and how a situation like this can deter you from dating but…

      You met a guy who is sweet, caring, and considerate at a time when you probably really needed that kind of support.

      So even if it didn’t work out exactly like you would have hoped for you always have the laughs and smiles and fun AND you can use that to enhance your next experience with a guy.

      That’s what I have learned in this world. Take note of certain mistakes or bad things to guide us through and USE the positive pieces – to attract the next.

      If we keep doing that we’re bound to succeed.

      Okay so most men your age are not attractive by why stop dating when there has to be some younger more attractive men out there just waiting for you.

      Dating feels strange to lots of people so don’t worry about your absence from doing that – I’ve known people who are “daters” for years and it still feels strange to them… Haha!

      As always, the best to you Free,

      Pete

  • Kelly

    What if a guy who is from your past have become fwb sleep overs, vacation s , dinner and tv at his house,snuggling and cuddling yet I never hear from him I may if he wants me to do something for him like clean or cook etc what the heck are we ? Please help I love him and have always loved him been 24 years since he took my virgnity

    • Peter White

      Sorry Kelly. The real problem here is that he’s getting everything he wants from you minus the effort or responsibility to being in a relationship.

      Why would he desire anything more when he appears to be getting it all.

      Love aside – as I’ve said before – FWB’s do not work 99% of the time. If you’re interested in turning into something more than you have a few choices to make but FIRST read this:

      Before You Sleep With Him, Read This

      That will explain a lot as it relates to your FWB problem.

      Secondly – I read this “email” a few weeks ago and if you’re interested – give it a try. (It’s direct from a fellow who helps a lot of women. Mind you it IS an affiliate link attached so please use at your own discretion.)

      “Does friends-with-benefits ever turn into love?”

      Wow.

      I had to stop and really think about that for a minute. (I’m not one to rush to text someone back – I like to give a thoughtful answer.)

      So I finally sent her this:

      “Are you the one in love? Or are you hoping HE will fall in love?”

      I made an assumption there, sure.

      But I knew where Anne’s question was coming from.

      She fired back this:

      “Sigh. I wish I knew if he felt the same…”

      It was at this point that I called Anne up and found out that she had made a “booty call” arrangement with a guy she had been out on a few dates with.

      They had hit it off in the bedroom, but he still “wanted to see other people.”

      So Anne had gone along with this “friends with benefits” arrangement – in the hopes that she could sneak in to a FULL relationship through the back door of being a “FWB.”

      I told her that it can happen, but it’s kind of like taking a game like Monopoly, and then changing the rules halfway through.

      It’s deceptive in a way. Even if you’re just trying to create a loving relationship…

      A guy can feel “tricked” or manipulated if a woman takes an FWB situation and tries to change it into a serious relationship.

      Luckily, though, there IS a way to do it –

      IF you know how men think about love…

      You can trigger a man to feel like he’s falling in love with you – if you know how to make him FEEL in love.

      He has to feel something very special!

      It’s called “The Obsession Switch”

      Go watch this short video: How to Stop his Lies

      Lastly = and this comes from the heart… sure you might be able to get him to start treating you differently, I understand you love him BUT if you’re not getting what you want from this “relationship” you could either try to change his mind or step back and remove him from your life entirely.

      In order for you to get past him you MUST take that first step AWAY from him. Loving a guy is not an answer, it’s not a solution, it’s just how you FEEL.

      All the best,

      Pete

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