You are much younger than me but hoping you can help me.
I was married 20 years, now divorced. I’ve been single for four years.
I dated some (online) and met only one man that I was seriously interested in (in person). We talked for six months. when we would see each other at a place we both took our kids too.
Then I remember him ignoring me completely one time (didn’t come to talk to me).
The next time he saw me he finally told me he wanted to be friends with benefits. He told me he thought I was very, very attractive. He wanted an answer before I left.
I left without giving him an answer partly because I was mad at the ignoring me from the time before and I wasn’t expecting that from him after six months of talking.
I didn’t think he was my type initially (long hair and shorter for a guy) but he grew on me and I had a serious crush on him by the time he told me “he only wanted FWB relationships”.
Next time I saw him about a month later he was with a date it looked like but he winked at me when she wasn’t looking. I didn’t talk with him cause he was with someone and left a note on his car to call me maybe.
He called over a week later, told me he was seeing someone, thought I was seeing someone also (he misunderstood me), told me he didn’t want to be second choice.
I told him he was never second, I didn’t know what I wanted with him though.
So after that sometimes he would ignore and sometimes he would be looking at me like he was in love with me, and sometimes he would be very friendly.
He has very short hair now and I think he look very good.
I hadn’t seen him in about six months until last weekend. I was at the same place as him for about 20 minutes. He was busy on his phone or something and may have had someone with him so I didn’t approach him.
I no longer know if I like him or not but there is an attraction there.
Why does he ignore me sometimes?
Is he embarrassed that when he offered a type of relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted with him I ran away?
You’re sweet 🙂 Well let’s see if this “much younger” ( btw you forgot handsome ) man can help you out.
First, we need to be clear of what “ignoring you” really is.
It seems lots of women believe either a guys is ignoring you or he is talking to you. Where is the middle ground?
If we’re not all over you – acknowledging you constantly – talking to you every second – blowing off our jobs or things we need to get done – then we’re ignoring you.
And that is just not the case.
As a guy and I’m sure lots of men would agree….
We define “ignore” as when a man or woman has made every attempt to talk to us, contact us, or message us either directly or through a friend and the we choose to not acknowledge it or say anything back.
We are NOT ignoring someone if we choose to not say anything or make some sort of contact.
Most of the time we’re just living our lives and for whatever reason which may exist a particular woman is not involved in it or doesn’t fit in that moment.
A good rule to follow here is:
If you make a reasonable effort to contact a guy by any means possible ( approach, message, call, leave a note ) and he doesn’t respond within a reasonable amount of time based on your relationship with him, then he is definitely ignoring you.
Otherwise – we need to call it something else.
You wrote, “So after that sometimes he would ignore and sometimes he would be looking at me like he was in love with me, and sometimes he would be very friendly.”
Based on the man-rule 😀 I wrote above:
If he’s interacting with you like looking at you and being friendly then he’s not ignoring you.
The communication difference here is not a problem on the surface but does become a problem for you and I ( meaning ALL men and women ) when we assume another persons actions has anything to do with us at all.
You’re not alone. Tons of guys do the very same thing and it mostly happens when he’s attracted to a woman.
Suddenly he questions everything she does or says or NOT says as if it has anything to do with him at all. And most of the time it doesn’t.
Of course we need to keep all this in perspective and realize certain things…
Like if he’s in a room with you and ten other people and chooses to talk to everyone BUT you then sure – he’s ignoring you.
If he’s in a room with you and doesn’t make his way to everyone including you, then he’s not ignoring you.
Now that we’ve defined “ignoring” and put some stuff in its proper perspective – we can finally get to some of the more stressing issues you mention – like the “friends with benefits” thing and how he reacted afterward to you not giving him an answer.
You may find this weird but you know it’s true:
A non-answer or no response from a woman ( as far as us guys are concerned ) means NO and not maybe but with a catch.
You may have believed you gave him a maybe but when you didn’t answer his question – but he considered that as being no with a clause.
Not a definite no but a clear signal that your answer could be changed with an effort which he may or may not choose to put forth fully.
It’s different from a maybe because in our eyes – maybe means YES but that you’re just being coy or cute or teasing us – which is really cool and all.
No answer to us represents more work than a maybe and sometimes we’re not willing to, for many reasons, work for it.
Maybe because we believe if we try harder you’ll lose the attraction.
Maybe because we believe you don’t like us enough anyways.
Maybe because we believe while we’re busy trying to change your mind, you’re letting some other guy get what we think we deserve and we don’t think that’s fair.
“Is he embarrassed that when he offered a type of relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted with him I ran away?”
I don’t think he was embarrassed – I believe what he was offering was not real because I don’t back up the whole “friends with benefits” thing.
Something you can read more about in a post I wrote at DiaLteG TM after a movie came out. It’s right here –> There Are No Friends With Benefits – Alpha Men Don’t Sleep With Friends
If we take a closer look at what he said, “He doesn’t want to be second choice” but only offered you friendship as long as you have sex with him AND he quickly found himself in a relationship – to me that means he was looking for someone else entirely and wanted to use you for sex.
The “second choice” thing just doesn’t match up to what he was offering in the first place.
So what – he wanted to be your first choice because he finds you attractive enough to have sex with – but not good enough to explore a possible relationship with.
I’d say his “second choice” argument meant he was feeling jealous or upset because you didn’t cave in to his demands and is trying a slightly different tactic to get what he wants from you.
Now of course I understand I’m judging a little but it’s also based on my experience and on my feeling as a guy and the things I believe in.
I think by you not giving him an answer right away has worked out for you because as I stated above – Not a definite no but a clear signal that your answer could be changed with an effort which he may or may not choose to put forth fully.
He wasn’t willing to put in the effort and to me that means he doesn’t see you as “relationship” material and judged by his actions – that may have worked out in your favor because:
- You came here and I appreciate that. 🙂
- You asked some pretty important questions to you and I’m sure lots of other women will learn from your experience.
- You now understand how us guys tend to interpret your answers – yes, no, maybe, or silence.
- You now understand what FWB really means to lots of men everywhere.
Thank you for writing in and I do hope my answers have cleared up any confusion you were feeling and my response has helped you in ways I can’t put into words,
This young man is definitely wishing you all the best Free…