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Was He Giving Out Mixed Signals? Why Just Being Friendly Is Not Enough

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Was He Giving Out Mixed Signals? Why Just Being Friendly Is Not Enough post image

Hey there Peter,

Long story short… found this shy man at work – smiled at him and saw his glances many times. He was always around, but never too close. Every time we talked he was acting nervous, but we ha great conversations about our wishes and private life. I was a litte unsecure and started acting a little distant – thought he would make an approach soon if he wer interested. He did not :-/ i later found out that maybe i was expection to much to soon from a shy guy. One day i added him on facebook with a message if it was okay, and he answered so nicely happy back. Afterwards he kinda ignored me at work- like i did not exicst. I was terrified. It was very strange, because he seemed so nice in the message. I took a change and tried to write him a message that i really like him and hope we could meet someday and my number. I got a sweet and caring message back that he very much wanted to meet in the nearest future although he was busy right no. So we shoud arrange when it could be. I wrote that i was glad but also busy but if he did not have plans over the autumn then he could come over someday. I have not heard from him since… :-/ why would a guy send out theese mixed signals? I heard from a friend that he recently broke up with a girl who bullied him and used him, but i am afriad he is just not that into me or i maybe have to do something more?

Regards, a girl from Germany

Hello “A girl from Germany” 🙂 I’ll call you Martha,

Maybe it’s because I’m a guy 🙂 but I don’t see how he’s giving you mixed signals.

Let’s get this out of the way first – Shy guys (previously used or not) rarely take chances or advance with women. It’s easier for them to do nothing. It is a part of who they are and how they act in anxious situations.

The signals they give are almost always based on this shyness.

When a shy guy refuses to chase or pursue you or is “into you” when you’re together but won’t take further action AND his fears are transferring to you (you’re afraid he’s not into you) he’s merely doing exactly what is expected. Again based on his social anxiety.

From my point of view you were the one giving him mixed signals.

Hear me out.

You smiled at him. You watched his glances. You had a great conversation.

But then You then started to act distant. You pulled back to test him because you felt if he liked you he would approach… Because you were not satisfied with the results.

So out of the blue you decided to change your tactics to meet his “shy guy” ways. You approached him on Facebook and he seemed okay with it but ignored you at work.

From there, this “friendly” exchange wasn’t going where you wanted it to go – so you told him you “really liked him,” wanted to meet up, and you left your number with him.

Okay before I lead you in the wrong direction, the mixed signals you were sending were not what they appeared to be. I’ll explain.

Sure – pulling back like you did, would send out a confusing message to a guy you had a genuine conversation with. But to most men…

When you have a great conversation about what you want out of life and “get to know each other” he thinks you’re being friendly.

The mixed message was – “I want to be your friend but I’m going to act like I want to make you come and get me – if you’re interested.”

Here’s what I suggest you do the next time with a different man – Flirt. Have a fun conversation. Stay lightly on the surface and save the deeper conversations for an intimate time.

You see, as guys, especially the shy ones, they’re going to assume you’re only being friendly, unless you almost immediately hint there’s sexual chemistry. He has to understand you see him as more than a friend.

ALL men like to be seen as fully capable sexual guys who can turn on a woman. Call it “stroking his Ego” 😉 or anything less, when you can do that, especially with a shy guy he’ll understand you’re being more than just friendly.

At least that way if you get nervous and pull back he’ll be more likely to realize your intention.

I believe the whole problem came down to the dynamics of your situation. As it does with many other women too. This happens more for guys than women but the issues are the same.

Rather than explain the entire thing I’ll pass along one of the most powerful articles I’ve ever read… A Secret About Men Women Do Not Know – The Paradox Of Attraction

Please take notice to the part where as a woman, if you’re unsure about a guy “liking you back” or he seems to be reluctant to commit on anything, how you could easily push him away by telling him you like him.

There’s a time and a place to tell a guy you like him and it’s in all of our best interest to make sure we get that right. That includes me and ever guy who finds himself confused about women.

It may not be fair but in “courtship” when one person tells another person they like them before slight intimacy (such as holding hands, kissing) it has a way of destroying chemistry quickly and if one of those people are unsure – will certainly push them away.

Okay now let’s get to this “heard it from a friend” thing.

You want to find out something about a guy – you go to him directly. This does two things.

  1. It stops you from acting differently around him because you have “insider” information which is usually gossip anyways.
  2. Gives you the opportunity to open him up through discovery and a real emotional connection. If a shy guy meets a women who “just by chance” 🙂 has a way of making that sexual connection I mentioned above AND only after slowly opens him up – that safeness becomes a bond which can easily last forever.

When you go to someone else you’re giving up that opportunity. When you go to someone else it feels “immature” to a guy and most will sense the empathy. When you go to someone else and things do happen, he’ll be less likely to trust you.

One last tip about shy guys before I go – coming over may not work. It puts way too much pressure on him and I guarantee even if he manages to show up – you won’t be meeting the real him.

You’ll be meeting the guy who is trying way too hard to not screw something up. You’ll meet the guy who is more interested in his nervousness over just being real.

This creates way too much work on your part and it will most likely only frustrate you and have you doing things which are over the top. Such as telling him you like him before the time is right.

I really wanted to thank you personally for writing in. Through your adventure I’m sure lots of other women will be helped also.

In light of it all I do hope I’ve cleared up any confusion over him and all shy guys everywhere.

It’s tough to hear – but it must be stated…

The mixed signals men and women send to each other are not always clear. The little things we do and say send so much information and how it’s “decoded” becomes far more important when the meaning gets lost along the way.

The moral is – don’t act out of frustration. Understand how those signals are seen from the other side. Start any and all interactions with guys you might be interested very lightly, keep it fun, and flirt a little.

…Thanks Again “A Girl From Germany” AKA Martha. Best of luck to you,


About the author: Peter White… Showing men and women ways to attract each other naturally by helping you to understand each other. Over ten years experience which has shown me how to see things clearly and get to the root cause of most dating and relationships problems. Hope you learn and enjoy your why do guys experience.

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8 comments… add one
  • Martha

    Thank you soo Much for the answer!! You are so right! I am now so mad at myself! I thought that inviting him would be nicer. I did not Think that he would ignore me. I wrote that i thought he was Nice and that i did not show him because of my own shyness. So i actually tried..

    The only thing which confused me about you answer is : dó I now have to get over this guy? Or is there Any Way I Can win him? If he ever was interested?

    Thank you so Much Pete!!

    Martha- Aka girl from Germany

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Martha.

      It’s usually best, under most circumstances, to not tell a guy you think he’s nice. It is rarely taken the way you might believe.

      I don’t think you have to get over him but you must change the dynamics of your connection. It’s not a guarantee but it’s better.

      I tell guys, if you don’t want to be just friends with her, then stop acting like you’re just a friend. The same goes here.

      Go back to square one – “Start any and all interactions with guys you might be interested in very lightly, keep it fun, and flirt a little.”

      Steer away from “trying” to win him and start focusing on making him feel attraction first.

      If that works, the rest will come.


    • Kayla

      I don’t know if this guy is serious or just playing tell me if any of this gets confusing. This guy(A) I was crushing on. his friend(B) started coming by my restaurant with his friends. recently the friend(B) said what’s up baby to me and held out his hand like a low high five .But when I didn’t he seemed quiet and got all weird he balled up the receipt then I looked at him and he tried to act normal I don’t know why or what his intentions were do you think he’s a player. Ok I was crushing on his friend(A) at first one day he came to my job and asked me can he bring his roommates up to my job he wanted him to meet his homegirl (which is me) so I thought he kinda friend zoned me(A. the one I was crushing on)Then another time he showed me a picture of a black dude on a NBA team and asked me do you thinks he’s hot. I said no then he said I think he’s hot. And on another occasion I made a bet with him $10 he won fair and square and when I tried to give him the money he said keep it double next time . But he just fell off the face of earth. Now I just been seeing his friend (B) which is the guy that held out his hand and the one I like now. The last time I saw him was when he held out his hand. I hesitated because he’s friends was with him and plus he was acting weird. And usually before he had no problem caressing my thumb when I handed him his change and winking at me too. I think when I didn’t touch his hand he took that as rejection . Now I haven’t seen him in almost 2 months. He’s 27 and I’m 19. This has been going on for about 5-6 months now I work drive thru. Peter I would like your help on this!!!

  • navasia

    Omg! This is the article I have been searching for. I’m 19, full college student and I’ve been getting signs from a program director/instructor.at first i was into him, until i found out he was getting married! I completely took a u turn and ignored him. Everytime he see’s me he acknowledges me and says “hey navasia”. Goodness, I’ve had 1 class with him and he gave me plenty of attention. I’ve never been shy about what i like about him. lets just say imma flirt! Haha, he follows m….e I’m the hallways of my college and always raises his eyebrows when he see’s me.

    • Peter White

      Glad you found what you were looking for Navasia. Make sure you stop back again, you know, just to hang out and flirt. 🙂

  • Michelle

    This was incredibly well written from a man’s perspective, AND a consciousness of a shy man. There are hundreds of articles that denote the actions and behavior of a shy man, but I haven’t seen many that delve into the reasoning for them.

    There’s only one male writer who I’ve been following, and respecting, for a few years, due to his brilliant advices to young men and women, but you’ll be the next on my list! This was just brilliant! This article gave me a completely different insight to shy men in general!

  • Diana

    Hi Peter,
    There is a guy friend I have who in a conversation the other day suggested I wear less of a specific color and more of another.
    The question is if a guy notices things as detailed as that you wear black a lot, does that insinuate he’s attracted to you?
    Another portion of this question is… If a guy who never dates and seldom even has friends who are girls, finds a confidant in you. Is that indictive that he lets you get close because he finds you unattractive or is it just the reverse.
    Thank you for your consideration

  • Lily

    Hi Pete!

    I am a freshman in university and two weeks ago, I ran into a confusing situation with a junior who goes to the same university. He and I know each other very loosely because we’ve seen each other at other parties and we’re a part of the same school organization.

    The whole night at the party (it was a Friday night), he noticed me and was staring at me. At the end of the party, I said hi to him and he followed my friends and me outside and he asked me what I’m doing after the party. I said that I don’t know because I have class in the morning, and he said, “Oh, you have class in the morning? I was gonna ask if you’d maybe want to get drinks with me” and I said, “Yeah, sure! Where do you want to go?” And he suggested a popular bar near the party, and I said “yeah, I have a fake ID and everything, I’m good” and he asked me what year I’m in and I told him I am a first year.

    He said that’s cool and proceeded to talk about the school club we’re in. About a minute later, he said, “Actually, it’s kinda late and I think I might just go home.” And I said, “Oh okay, well then I’m just gonna catch up with my friends!” And he said, “Yeah, I’ll see you in our meeting this Sunday!” So I walked faster to catch up to my friends and that was it. It was really confusing that he changed his mind so quickly.

    I don’t know what caused him to change his mind. My friends, who were there to witness the whole thing, said that they could tell right away that he was into me because he tried to wrap his arm around my waist and he purposely waited for me outside the door at the party so that he could talk to me. They also said that he was looking at my lips and they could sense that he was trying to get with me.

    This guy has noticed me before. There was one time when he tried dancing with me at another party, but I was dating someone else at the time (I’m not anymore) so I didn’t engage with him. He has noticed me at other parties, stared at me and has approached me to say hi and make small talk. But I was completely thrown off when he showed interest that night after the party. Maybe my shock showed through in my answer to his question. I always thought he was just a friendly guy, but I didn’t know he was interested!

    Anyway, I am very unsure of how to proceed with the situation. I don’t have his contact info and he doesn’t have my contact info. We’re not friends, so we don’t talk to each other. I don’t know why he changed his mind within 2 minutes (literally).

    What should I do? Thank you for your help!

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