Today's post is filled with tips on how to talk to a guy whose shyness is making it tough on you. This was written as a direct answer to a great question from a dedicated reader who left the question below:
There’s this amazing guy and he is literally all I think about. I really like him but he’s really shy and doesn’t interact with many girls often. I’ve caught him looking at me several times but every time I try to talk to him the conversations are really short.
I’ve made him laugh before but then it seems like he’s avoiding me whenever I see him.
I know his family fairly well and him too, but I don’t know if I should approach him with the idea of being more than friends.
I can’t tell if he’s into me or not and how to approach him if he is.
I used to be a very shy guy so I think I can help you out. First Let's dig into his mind from my previous point of view.
It felt like I was going to be judged negatively. I wasn't sure what to say or how my words would come across to others. I was always "at a loss" of what to talk about and was a little afraid of doing something socially unaccepted.
Although this shyness was there all the time and I preferred solitude and working alone than with others, when it came time to interacting with girls and then women - THAT is when it was the worst.
Oddly enough - one on one with a woman felt natural. I could be myself. I felt most comfortable and at ease and could connect with anyone.
In a group - even just one extra person EVERYTHING changed and I would retreat to barely interacting or talking to others. Part of that stemmed from a fear of confrontation and part of it came about from an unknown place...
It just never felt right. Like something was a little off. It wasn't a full blown anxiety with a fast heart rate because I would handle all that nervous energy by tapping my hands on something, rocking my legs, any tick which would alleviate the tension I was experiencing in those moments.
Where my shyness around women came from was obvious - a low self-esteem, insecurity about myself, I felt ugly and believed NO girl or woman would ever want me and so I'd have to make up for it by developing a private friendship first and HOPE something else would happen.
Which it rarely if ever did.
Based on the psychology of shyness and what I experienced it becomes a little more clear on how to approach and talk to a shy quiet guy so he's less likely to continually avoid you in the future.
It's best to start the approach or conversation when there is very little social pressure added on top of what he is already experiencing.
(Nervous, anxious, unsure, and self-conscious.)
In other words make it a very clear ONE on ONE interaction where others can hear what it being said or done. I'm not saying that is easy - merely saying it's the BEST place for it to happen.
Shy people tend to internalize too much and connect it to themselves. If others are around, you won't be talking to him directly - you'll be speaking to the FILTER he puts in place to protect himself making it extremely difficult to connect with him AND he will do anything and everything to avoid being STUCK in that position.
Since shy people tend to have more social fears they live in the future a lot which is generally where the fear lie - a prediction of a bad event.
This means you must NEVER go into thinking you want to be more than friends with him. Don't add to the pressure - alleviate by keeping it open and very neutral until he begins to feel more comfortable around you and less fearful of screwing something up.
Here's a simple example of how even a simple small question adds pressure.
"What do you do for a living?"
Something which all too commonly asked early on of a guy. You might think it's no big deal to answer but it actually is because:
He might not like his job and is worried you won't like him for what he does. He might not think it's "cool" enough. Even IF he enjoys what he does his first thought is (because he's probably been very unsuccessful with women) that YOU couldn't possibly be attracted to a guy who does THAT.
And that's just a simple career question. Imagine other questions which are far more revealing more intense to answer.
It's BEST to steer clear of personal questions like that. It's tough but it's certainly possible.
Think of it this way: No questions. No pressure.
Your immediate goal should be about a simple fun exchange of ideas which he feels less likely to be judged on.
Observe something unique. Relate it to something you're used to or have in common with him or let him make that connection himself.
Here's another helpful tip:
People (specifically shy guys) FEED off the energy around them so much they FEEL it more than others.
Which is just one reason shy guys avoid public places that are high energy. It raises their self-conscious thoughts to a higher level.
This means YOU must do whatever you can to avoid being nervous yourself. You must quiet your mind and your body language. So you BRING him to a state of complete by being at complete ease yourself.
I'm not saying you have to do it perfectly - just to understand how important it can be and how when your mind is racing forward and your energy level is higher than usual - it will rub off on him.
Making him for one - more nervous and you'll make less of a connection with him AND once again - he'll do anything to avoid being what he feels is STUCK in a situation he can't easily get out or remove himself from quickly.
Here's a great post I like to help you achieve that from Mirabelle Summers:
"A common mistake that intelligent women often commit is to think too much about certain things. They get so caught up in their own world of thoughts that they’ll come off as aloof or distracted… when in reality they’re just petrified from FEAR of not knowing what to say next."
Another few tips:
Take things SLOW. slower than you normally would for a guy who isn't so shy and reserved.
Add a little self-deprecating humor to the conversation. Chances are - if he's attracted to you he's going to put you on a pedestal which is only going to push him away or have him do things which are far from attractive and he's subconsciously is aware of it.
The more "goddess" like he thinks you are - the more introverted and uneasy he will feel.
You will take off some of the pressure on him, make him feel more relaxed and open around you, AND more safe.
When a shy guy feels that way around you - he will be FAR more likely to want to experience it again and again and again.
When he feels safe - he'll open up and you'll find connecting with him a lot easier an natural too.
Now that I've got some of the tips on talking and opening up a shy guy - let's dig a little further into what you wrote before this is finished:
He's an amazing guy who is always on your mind and you're not sure if he likes you; I'm guessing you mean "in that way".
Of course he's amazing - why else would you be thinking about him all the time.
Here's something you must never forget.
ALWAYS assume unless otherwise directed, told, or shown that a guy can and should be interested in you for something more.
I'm not saying that you must believe all guys want to get in your pants and act in that way - that's the extreme and bad opposite.
I'm merely saying that you must feel and believe you're confident and beyond good enough to be with ANY guy you choose.
Don't approach it with, "I hope he likes me?????"
Approach ALL potential dates with confidence and a true belief in yourself and go from there.
You've caught him looking at you a few times but when you've tried to talk to him the conversations are short.
Since I'm not there listening to the conversation or watching him stare at you - I can say neither one way or another why the conversations are short.
It could be that's he's shy.
It could be you or him or both of you are not generally good at talking to someone in a certain way when you're attracted to each other.
BUT if you believe he's "checking you out" - then go with it and do what you can (based on the tips above) to keep the conversation as light and fun as possible AND introduce some real FLIRTING with him.
Don't WAIT for something to happen. MAKE it happen. Just make sure you're sticking to the female side and not being too pushy or masculine and I'm sure you'll do just fine with it.
You've made him laugh but it seems like he's avoiding you.
Okay - making him laugh is good thing but honestly, doesn't really mean much here. Guys like women with a sense of humor but when it comes to attraction - there MUST be a lot more to it and a lot more going on.
Not that it's a bad thing - just don't go reading too much into it.
Now if he's avoiding AND you absolutely think it's because he's shy - then don't worry about it.
IF it is a problem AND the tips above are not working AND you're finding no way to get through to him then I'm sorry BUT that is his issue to deal with in his own way.
REMEMBER: It's a BIG responsibility of him to be a man here if he's interested and attracted to you.
If he won't or can't - there's not much more you can safely do without taking on the masculine role which will either cause major problems in the future or send him running.
You're not sure if you should "approach" him with the idea of being more than friends.
Find a balance which works for you.
It's not always best to go into it with the IDEA of being more than friends BUT at the same time you don't want to go in it with the sole purpose of getting a date.
Which means - you need to leave it OPEN to going somewhere BUT at the same time make it more probable to happen.
It's a bit tricky but not impossible.
What I teach guys you can use too...
Don't go into ANY interaction with potential date to GET something - do it to give something. Something memorable. Something fun. Anything which makes them WANT to see you see again.
Don't add all the unneeded pressure of getting a date because you'll act outside your attractive self and quite honestly - whenever you sense someone is TRYING to get something from you - you're far less likely to get it.
Rather than getting into all that because it's kind of a big subject, I'd like you to read this next article that I love to turn to because it's so good... from the same woman in the article above.
It's about "dates" in general but the idea of staying in the moment do APPLY here and should be used in each and every interaction you have with guy SPECIFICALLY when you're INTO him this much:
"And because of the importance that you’ve invested this date with – the emotional significance that it now has for you, what with this guy potentially being your future husband and all – suddenly, everything is MUCH too important for you to be able to relax.
There’s too much at stake.
What if you screw up?
You’ll have ruined a potentially great relationship with this guy, who could even be The One!
What if he doesn’t like you?
What if you do or say something dumb? What if you RUIN everything??
That is the kind of thinking that your ‘mental chatterbox’ will subject you to, when you over-invest in an event’s significance. The pressure involved causes you to get stressed out, anxious, self-conscious, and jumpy …
… and it’s simply NOT ATTRACTIVE."
The original author is part of a team of experts on dating, attraction, and relationships called Meet Your Sweet. That's their main link. They give me this one to point you to where you pick up the extremely helpful Get A Guy Guide - Leading you with a video: Powerful Obsession Triggers That Make Men Crave You.
Whereas I tend to specialize in understanding men and all that good stuff - advice like you've been given today is a little rare for me. You can, with certain, benefit from checking out those few links above to help you ATTRACT and CONNECT with ANY men - shy or not.
Lots of great advice there.
The "shy guy" does require a little more tact or a slightly more reserved approach if you want him to STEP up, OUT OF HIS SHYNESS and take you out for a date or to assure you're seen as more than a friend to him.
Try to keep it one on one (f possible) with him so he'll be less reserved.
Cut down on as much as you can on the added social pressure shy guys feel.
Stay away from asking too many personal questions about him. Let him reveal himself to you slowly and on his own terms so he'll be less likely to retreat and avoid seeing you again.
Keep it all simple - go in it with the idea of just exchanging fun stuff that you both can relate to.
DO your best to make sure if you're nervous or have a little extra energy that's it's not too obvious - your state of mind or being will rub off on him. If he feels it too much with you, he'll be far less likely to want to be put in that position again.
Don't sell yourself at all. If he already has you on a pedestal you don't want to make it worse because you won't get himself, you'll get a huge filter and find it extremely tough to open him up and connect with him.
Try some self-deprecating FUN humor or anything which eases hie view of you. It won't affect his attraction or interest in you.
Follow the tips from Mirabelle above - they'll help you quite your mind and his at the same time AND they're just great advice anyways.
I used to be a shy guy myself so I know where's he's coming from - a little insecure, low self-esteem especially around women, fear of social pressures or saying or doing the wrong things, a feeling like we're always being judged, and WAY too many self-conscious thoughts which has us living in our heads a lot more than usual.
Keep all the in mind as you approach the shy guy BUT never forget the reality of guys like this:
Some guys like this will NEVER let you in.
You can do some encouraging things to open him up and get him to feel more comfortable around you BUT...
The rest is HIS deal. You're not there to CHANGE him.
You want to avoid taking on a masculine role when you're with him because that will pose future problems which are easy to predict because they WILL happen.
It's ENTIRELY HIS responsibility to get past all this shyness and fears so don't waste too much of your valuable time IF it's not working for you.
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