I'm still confused. As someone shy & oblivious, it's hard. I end up w guys I am not really into bc they are obvious. help!
Don't ever feel like you have to settle with guys you're not "into" just because they seem to be the only men who are obviously into you or the "try hards".
Listen, I don't make the rules of attraction. I can not help how they work.
It doesn't matter what we all want to believe but in any early interaction regarding attraction, when a guy shows too much interest or shows it in ways which is way too obvious, women will, just like you, NOT feel it back.
This means in your case, or any woman who feels shy and oblivious as to knowing when a guy is interested, you're bound to feel confused. You're not alone.
I can tell you from hundreds of personal experiences with women that the harder I try, the more know I make my attraction clear, the more "obvious" I am, the chances of me actually getting with her decreases a lot.
During all the frustration you feel about guys drives you crazy and has you screaming to yourself, your friends, (...) Some OTHER guy is chasing you – well, because HE likes YOU. - Why The Guys You Like Don’t Want You But You Don’t Want The Ones Who Do
And I'm not one of those "try hard" guys. Sometimes I don't even try at all. 🙂
My point is, as men, the only chance we have is to just go about our business and walk a fine line between being attentive or indifferent. When we weigh the odds of success, too much attention gives us little or no results and being indifferent (to a certain extent) is by far much more effective.
The line is often drawn out by many factors about the guy - looks, wealth, health, status, etc... Meaning a man who is average or below average in many of those areas can NOT be 100% indifferent because that doesn't work. However a guy who is above average in many of those areas can be more allusive and still have success.
So as a woman who understands how us guys have to work based on the traits we have (or not have) then you must also understand the men you will ultimately feel the most for will rarely (if ever) do the initial chasing.
This means you must learn to LURE him in just enough. You must show a hint of interest. You must give him a reason to start the chase AND you must also be willing to RISK the rejection just like some of us guys risk the same failures.
Just because you're not sure if he's into you does not mean you should start settling for guys who show way too much interest.
It simply means you have to use your wild feminine charm and nature to literally tease more men with broad strokes and see who nibbles.
No, it doesn't guarantee success with every guy. I'm not going to lie to you. But it does increase your success rate IF you're willing to accept rejection as nothing personal and understand within each guy there exists different images of women they will become the most attracted towards.
You don't have to become "Miss Outgoing" or a social entrepreneur.
You don't even have to read every guy like a book. In fact, that will actually destroy the process. Knowing what every guy thinks and how or when they "want" you will not make your world any more excitable. Trust me, it will become boring.
Yes, you DO have to open up some more conversations. You DO have to be more casual with the guys you're feeling it for.
Going from “stealing glances” to an actual conversation may seem like a huge step to take, but it’s not. - Take Your Shy Crush Off The Pedestal – Fear, Approach And Courage
Just a little more than you might be doing now.
From that point, it's again, simply a matter of luring him in by using something women already have hardwired inside them - you're a WOMAN.
I'm not saying you have to be a lame female damsel in distress or act 100% feminine all the time or pretend you're the supposed weaker sex because that will only attract one type of guy.
But you have to do those things a little because it's part of the luring process. You can't entice a guy to chase a woman who appears more masculine (in the natural sense of the word) than him unless you're ARE in fact looking for a woman and who wants to marry a closeted gay man.
Here is a great plan and I'm positive if you (and every other woman with the same feelings) tries this on every guy you believe are not into you because they're not being so obvious you'll start to see some quick changes in how those men are reacting and then acting towards you.
- Be willing to face rejection and understand it's rarely a personal thing against you.
- Remain honest with yourself if nothing is working. Just like I tell my guys, be willing to try something else when you're consistently failing - and don't be afraid to be different.
- Don't be afraid to change HOW you are doing things and a few things about yourself too. Learn to be objective as you can during the process. If that's not possible yet, seek objective advice.
- Show a guy a little interest. Guys are not always clear on the signals you think you're giving them. For more on that read my most recent article at The Approach - Does It Show You Are Interested In A Guy If You Say Hi First?
- Lure him in a little.
- Entice him.
- Challenge him in many ways.
- Encourage his need to chase you.
- Give him some time and space which will allow him to DO his thing.
All that CAN be achieved in one or two meetings and can actually be achieved within a few minutes of you get really good at it.
Do that with every guy you ARE attracted to and you WILL see a difference.
Making the right kind of impression on a guy tends to lead to more attention from the RIGHT guy. - How To Get His Attention Without Looking Desperate or Scaring Him Away
Don't get all bent if it doesn't work at first. Don't become discouraged if you feel rejected from time to time.
Understand it's a learning process and not a fail pass one time thing.
You're building confidence each time.