Have you ever met a man you labeled a “try hard” ?
He’s the guy who is always blatantly trying get in your pants. Everything he does or says has some obvious sexual innuendo played had whether intentional or not.
For some, he wreaks of hope and lacks of any real conviction to himself. For others – he’s the cocky bastard who actually does “get laid” but the women he sleeps with…C’mon! What are they thinking? right!
He’ll do anything to get close to you including but not limited to accidental bumps, making sure he’s always in your way, and handing you anything he can grab just to touch your hand.
Maybe he looks in your eyes and you can see the longing. Maybe he looks down a lot when he’s close to you and you can’t understand why any man would be embarrassed talking to you.
This type of man can live a fine line between creepy and pathetic or sit on one side completely.
Creeps are creeps and at least they’re consistent. After all you know most guys don’t mean to come of scary. It’s just their way. I’m sure no living man on this earth once exclaimed to the world, “When I grow up, I want to be a creep!”
Pathetic is such a strong word because to me, it’s so internal. You can’t call someone pathetic unless you’ve felt pathetic before. And it’s not always obvious why or how someone else suffered through their loneliness with peaks of outwardly bitterness, and then in quiet drawn back disparity.
So if you’ve ever whispered the words “Wow. I am pathetic…” to yourself then you know exactly what it takes to feel that way. Do it as many times as I used to and you begin to notice those same signs on many of the “try hards” you meet. (Strange how as we age we master the skill so well of noticing our internal failures in others.)
Aside from the extreme cases what about the guys in the middle? Why would “they” try so hard?
After all, some of those guys are worth dating until they find a way to push you away.
Tell if I’m right here… When a guy tries too hard to be with you – you can only feel his neediness that much more. His insecurity rises with each attempt to show you what a great guy he “could” be to you.
Okay let’s be honest with ourselves…you couldn’t care less to know why “some” guys try so hard. You have your opinion on him and you’re probably right.
But what about the men you meet who you actually want to be with, or wanted to get close to you until out of nowhere they started trying so hard to make something happen with you, he destroyed all the chemistry until the attraction trickled away to friendly.
I think it’s time for you to experience being inside a man’s mind…just for a minute:
Woah look at her! She’s hot. Wow and a perfect ass. Shit, I can’t stop staring at her butt. Wait! She’s turning to look me.
He smiled…did she catch me…I wonder what it’s like to have a girlfriend like that?
Oh…here it comes. Here’s comes “Johnny.” Bet she likes him. Now two more guys are talking to her. I bet she could have all of them if she wanted.
And yep she’s flirting with Johnny.” She’s playing right into his act. Why do Chics fall so easily for the one guy who is the obvious player.
But look at her…damn!
She’s looking at me again…WHY!!! After all she’s flirting with every guy. They all want her. Why would she want anything to do with me?
(…I wonder what she feels like. The shape of her body. They eyes looking back at me…)
Here she comes…yes! No. What do I do? I know I’ll play it all cool.
Ahhh she likes it. I think she’s hitting on me. I’m NOT going to flirt back like those other guys. They’re pathetic. I’m going pretend I don’t want her at all. She’ll like that.
But here comes the other guys. Now they want to talk to me about her. Discussing every part of her body and what they would to her, sorry what I know one of them will get to do. Probably not me. I’ll just listen to them talk.
That way I won’t be one of them…she’ll like that even though she’s not here to see it.
Finally – We have some alone time. Just me and her. I can finally show her how I’m better. How I won’t objectify her body. How I can like her for who she is and not just for her body. I’m not going to let this one slip away.
But I have to act fast. I don’t want “Johnny’s Seconds.”
I CAN’T BELIEVE I just thought that. I called her freaking “seconds.” Now I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT!
I know… I’ll make it up to her by acting extra nice. I’ll do something for her. I learn everything I can about her. That way I’ll know exactly what she’s looking for and what he wants.
Those other guys don’t know a thing about her and here I am – learning about her dreams and aspirations. Haha! They’re clueless. I’m definitely in.
(Several months or weeks later)
I can not believe how close we’ve gotten. This is awesome. She actually comes to me now. She tells me everything…Excuse me…You did WHAT? You slept with Johnny!!!!
I’m sorry. I know he’s bad. I knew he was a player. Oh but he’s not…he’s really a nice guy. He cares about you?
I don’t know why he does those things…WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!! YOU FREAKING WON’T DATE ME?
Oh he’s only affectionate when you’re alone? BUT YOU WON’T EVEN TOUCH ME? I WOULDN’T LET YOU GO FOR ANYTHING.
You’re only looking for a good guy but you always end up with the jerks who don’t seem to love you back as much?
But I love you. Be my girlfriend. Please. You know how I feel ’bout you. No one knows you better than me? I want more than just a friendship. You’re incredible. I want you. I’ll treat you like you deserve to be treated. I haven’t slept with a thousand girls.
I don’t enjoy making you cry…
I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!!!
Those other guys – the ones that try the hardest – are actually the best at hiding it from you.
The real “try hards” just don’t understand, having never been taught or maybe not willing to find out because it makes them feel like less of a man…
Whatever their reasons are they never learned what it takes to make those key moments happen with you.
Their young social lives were spent watching other guys succeed where they have failed but, and this is a key point, something about what they were doing didn’t feel or look right.
And they wanted desperately to be different. To be recognized on their own merit. To feel better about themselves because sometimes, it’s all they had.
They dealt with their guy friends on a level women never experience and so feel like they know any guy better than you – after all young guys tell each other everything if it makes them look better.
It comes down to this…
The creepy guy tries too hard because it works once in a while, for him. He got “recognized” early on as being that guy and may even strive to uphold his image even around those who have not met him. Just in case.
The pathetic guy tries too hard because he lacks a self-confidence in not only who he is but also any real knowledge of what being masculine means. He doesn’t have a move which worked before but he believes, or binds himself to his beliefs, that sometimes being nice means losing. Call it a personal chivalry to himself or whatever, he’ll stick with it and rely on it – to make himself feel better.
His trying too hard is easily recognized as not trying at all. He plays the waiting game hoping you’ll make the first move.
The guy you wanted at first, well for a second at least…okay if even that… The one who professed his love to you but now the love you feel for him – is like a brother or a great friend, he tries too hard because he’s put you above everything else in his life.
He’s desperately searching for the prize or reward of his good faith. He feels he deserves you for all he’s given you.
Instead of seeing eye to eye with you he gives you a pedestal and then asks to show you off to the world. It feels good so you allow it to happen.
I’ve come to the conclusion all the types of men I’ve listed here – try too hard because it’s all they know. It’s not necessarily a lack of understanding how women work, but more of not understanding how chemistry and attraction work.
Whether they are blatantly trying too hard and come off as creepy, or not trying at all “trying” to hide it from you – opting for friendship and waiting for you to make the move they can’t… Or the guy in the middle who at first gets something right but sooner then later finds a way to show his insecurities by pushing his attraction so far you want to run and scream.
Their insecurity or internal struggles on what a man is supposed to do are in no doubt the biggest factor.