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Out Of Relationship Mode, What Goes On In A Man’s Mind After A Breakup

in Breaking Up, Reading A Man’s Mind
Breakup Couple Heart His Thoughts

I‘ve been more than just seeing a girl for about 2 years. You know the whole exclusive thing and all. Well we recently broke up and now it’s time to move on.

A great way to achieve and teach you about men is to give you a peak into the male mind – exactly what goes on in our heads right after a breakup.

First person of course which means you’ll get my view. After (and for those who prefer to skip the ME part just go right to the bottom) you’ll get a general view of what a man experiences after a normal somewhat typical breakup.

It’s feels like I’m still in relationship mode.

Like my “game” isn’t what it was. Like I lost the edge I had… and on top of that I feel like going out to enjoy a few casual affairs.

But doing that is much harder when you’re in relationship mode, isn’t it?

You start searching for women who are young, easy, but show no signs of wanting you back.

Maybe it’s the guilt – a self-fulfilled prophecy – because you feel bad having lost someone so close.

Almost like a mourning phase with the anger, regret, then acceptance thing.

You want to make it more real by giving the separation enough time to prove to your “nice” self that you gave it all.

I imagine if we suddenly end a long-term relationship and then immediately sleep with a few women it sort-of degrades the past experience.

De-valuing what it meant.

So if we hold off a little – give it time to settle in – it feels like it meant more.

It’s our little way of NOT admitting we were wrong AND how we DID try hard enough.

What I see, right now, as a guy…

We are sort-of destined to stay in relationship mode for a certain period after a separation.

We become more nurturing to the women we meet destroying attraction and lowering our self-confidence just a little bit.

Then we get angry with ourselves for doing those stupid things.

Like someone stole the identity we had before the relationship…

And now we have to claw our way to back to who we were before the whole thing started.

With all that we find ourselves trying way too hard.

We contact a few past girlfriends for anything we can get from them like support, intimacy, anything to get back the lost feelings we enjoyed in the relationship which just ended.

We end up making so many more mistakes and each one of them seems like an idiot thing to do – or like it the mistakes just means more now.

But it doesn’t – does it?

Who cares if we screw it up with a girl and don’t find her in bed within a night or a week.

Who cares if we say the wrong thing, act a little skittish, or run out of things to say.

Hey – men and women do that stuff all the time and putting pressure on ourselves is unfair.

I’ve found this whole “attraction game” at some point seem like we’re supposed to be this perfect little man – and then we become the ultimate man where women are beating down our doors the like they do with the “naturals”.

But here’s the real truth about that.

No woman has EVER asked me to be PERFECT.

In fact being perfect actually pushes women away. No woman with any real self-esteem wants to feel inferior to some guy or anyone.

The whole dominance – submissive thing is important but there’s a clear distinction between “inferior” and “submissive.”

One’s a female role – a sexual thing – a relationship side. The other is someone trying to achieve superiority over someone else by making them feel inferior.

What goes on in a man’s mind after a breakup, yes depends on the whole “why” or “what caused it” and is slightly based on the residual feelings left dangling close enough to emotionally grab again…

BUT based on my own experience our thoughts linger for some time…

We search for our identity.

We think about the bad, the good, and sometimes all the things we could’ve done different.

If we wait – we give it more value and it means more in the end.

If we don’t wait – we’re distracting ourselves and searching for an escape. Something to make any of the pain dissipate quicker and easier even if it’s just for a night.

In somewhat “normal”  breakups, if there is something like that, men, including me DO experience a loss and although we may show it differently what goes on in our mind is a actual break from “relationship” mode.

So what have you learned about men and break ups today?

First or the most obvious – based on my experience in writing this post – we tend to ramble on a little. Don’t we?

Let’s get away from the ME perspective and throw out some details which will help you understand men in general in normal case breakups.

A man will remain for a while still in RELATIONSHIP MODE depending of course on the severity of the breakup, who broke up with whom, and how long the relationship lasted.

A guy feels like he’s off his game. Like what he had or did to attract you or get into the relationship doesn’t seem to work as well.

Which might be a good thing because…

Being in relationship mode a guy will tend to miss the intimacy or the share intimate moments above and beyond just sex.

He’ll then seek out comfort in any way he knows possible.

This includes calling ex-girlfriends, past hook-ups, going out to just get laid, revisiting old single “stomping grounds” to possibly pick up a new woman for a fling.

You know what they’re called as you have experienced them… they’re called “rebounds” and depending again on the guy and the nature of the breakup – can sometimes last a little too long.

So must maybe – being in relationship mode with very little “game” is a good thing to help a guy avoid getting trapped into a rebound relationship.

He definitely feels bad for losing someone close which means he’ll experience the stages of grief in one form or another must be played out entirely.

There’s denial… thinking maybe he’s made a mistake. If you broke up with him, then he wants you back and will deny the breakup and do smart or stupid things to win you back.

Then anger comes along rearing its ugly head. He’ll either be angry with himself or angry at you. Either way it’s going to happen and I’m sure you’ve gone through it too being on one side or the other.

Bargaining comes along… He’s thinking, “What can I do to make this better?” OR “How can I fix this problem?” OR “What do I have to do to…?” Yes you guessed it… “WIN YOU BACK!”

In reality – he might not be trying to fix it at all, although sometimes he means it.

What he’s really bargaining or trying to fix – is how BAD it feels losing someone close to him and trying to erase feeling BAD.

When those options are played out entirely – IF he finds a way to move on…

Depression.

Some men turn to alcohol. Some men turn to sleeping, skipping work, binge-watching shows, ANYTHING which gives him time ALONE away from everything that reminds him of you.

Except most of the time he’s sitting around looking at everything which DOES remind him of what once was… back when you were together.

Eventually – for some – ACCEPTANCE will finally come along… for some.

The process (not being too predictable) makes it hard to determine a time or moment when it happens.

The one GUARANTEE here that most women don’t understand about men is how LONG they will hold on to their feelings for a woman.

It takes them almost FOREVER to get over losing someone they loved or thought they loved. (Whatever fits the situation.)

Here’s a quote which explains why it takes so long for guys…

“I used to get hooked on one woman and it took me over a year to get over not being with her. To this day I literally remember every lost or “not gotten” so called love of my life.

Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington says women can both enter and recover from extreme emotional states a LOT faster and easier than guys can.

If you think about it, it makes sense.

We’ve all seen a woman burst into tears one moment only to be totally fine 5 minutes later.

But when it comes to emotions, guys are a lot more “fragile.”

Gottman says it’s because of evolution. Guys were evolved to be single taskers. To push everything out of their mind except the one thing they’re hunting.

And because of that men are slower to GET INOT an emotional state and MUCH slower to get back out of it once they’re there.

Imagine an emotional state is like swimming.

Getting “emotional” for women is a lot like jumping off a dock into a lake. You get wet, sure. But the dock is right there and just a few seconds later you’re safe and dry…

But for guys, “getting emotional” is like getting dropped in the middle of the ocean…

Bobbing in the water.

Surrounded by sharks.

With land nowhere in site.”

Dirty Secrets About Me and How That Can Help You Understand All Men

A little background… that’s from Secret Surveys where over 20,000 men were asked, “What’s the one thing you desperately wish the woman in your
life understood about men but could NEVER tell her?” 

Guys opened up… About how they FEEL about women… About what they WANT from women… About what makes them MAD about women…

Of course the survey results are private. Watch the intro video and decide if you think that type of information is worth buying.

This “holding on to their emotions has a good side and a bad side.

The good part is that if you want your ex back – all other things considered,  it’s certainly possible.

Here’s a few reports just picked up on HOW to get him back:

The bad part is if you don’t want him back – expect it may be some time before he gets over you AND it also explains ONE reason why it takes so long for a guy to commit to you.

Another side point which was brought up in the beginning of this post is…

A guy will also hold on to the feelings after the breakup because it gives it more meaning.

If he quickly moves on – it doesn’t real like it had value or meant much to him. Holding on gives it substance and to a guy – makes him feel like it was worth it no matter what the outcome turned out to be.

Sleeping with another woman too quickly (for lots of men) lessen the important of the past relationship and  WILL make him feel worse – not better after.

Next up…

A man, just like you, can all too easily lose his sense of identity after breaking up.

Being a couple for a while, men AND women tend to merge a little. Take away that other half and it will literally feel like you’re missing a part of yourself.

It happens to guys too.

Which is just another reason to go out searching for someone to fill the void or missing pieces of themselves.

The experience or what goes on inside a man’s mind AFTER breaking up is quite varied, that I’ll admit, BUT what you seen here is definitely the most consistent parts or the parts most men SHARE with each other minus a few because everything can not be covered.

Thanks for stopping by today and I do hope you’ve not only found what you were searching for but you’ve also learned some things about men you didn’t know before.

Make sure you sign up to why do guys because it’s all this and more. Men don’t have to be confusing and I’m just the guy to reveal ALL our secrets from ones like this on break ups to what we need to feel, to our greatest fears of being a man and what it means to you as a woman.

About the author: Peter White… Showing men and women ways to attract each other naturally by helping you to understand each other. Over ten years experience which has shown me how to see things clearly and get to the root cause of most dating and relationships problems. Hope you learn and enjoy your why do guys experience.

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11 comments… add one
  • Nivi

    Hi,
    It’s been 3 months since my ex broke up with me.
    He moved outisde the country for work and recently posted a cheek to cheek picture with a female colleague.

    It bothers me that even after we had such a cordial break up (no fights, yelling, name calling, stalking etc), he didn’t have the heart to understand that this action of his will hurt me even though we are not together anymore.

    Do guys ever think back? Do exes (like me) ever cross their minds?
    Do you think men every think of wanting to get back with someone they broke up with?
    Would like to know your thoughts, thanks 🙂

    • Peter White

      Hi Nivi,

      I would say, yes. Men think about getting back with their “ex” all too often. However I won’t say he’s thinking about getting back with you. That’s behind me and the information I have.

      Just like everyone else (including women) we’re all guilty of doing something which hurts someone. Sometimes we forget or don’t think things through.

      Yes, it sucks but it’s an unfortunate part of relationship break ups. You can’t assume he’s suffering less just because broke up with you either.

      I know it’s tough but you must realize he can not avoid living his new life because you might be watching or happen to see something which perhaps, you should avoid if the break up is still fresh in your mind.

      It seems to me that if something he does might hurt you, and you had a “casual” breakup, then I would definitely avoid putting yourself through it all by distancing yourself and allowing yourself to fully recover.

      I do hope you get over him soon because three months is a long to still be thinking he might change his mind.

      This may not be what you wanted to hear, but I do believe it’s what you needed to hear and I of course do wish you a speedy recovery,

      Pete

  • Anne

    I dated my boyfriend for about 2 months. He was sort of new too it because his previous relationships were short and lasted like a day or a week. He told me I was his most serious one and apparently had fallen in love with me also. He felt like himself with me. every couple has fights and i guess he was scared I would leave him. We both told eachother we would never leave eachother no unless cheating was involved. I knew for a fact i would never leave because im not that type (unless he were to cheat) And one day bam he pulls the trigger and says he cant anymore. I dont know why he just made such a haste decision. We broke up and my old ex came back into my life and then my recent ex had found out and said he wanted me back and drove my other ex away. When he drove him away he tells me I love you but I still cant do this. It was pretty messed up that he drove my oppurtunity for love again ,away.(even tho it was sort of a rebound) He said he was afraid of committment. I gave up on it i fought alot for our relationship. He never would post om social media before and now all of a sudden he is and he seems all happy and stuff. He saw me once at a cafe with another guy and it had pissed him off and he left so mad. He confuses me, if he loves me why is he so scared to commit? Hes been distracting himself with his friends so much. I dont even think he even loved me. But i could see it in his eyes when he would tell me. And when we would fight he was always afraid i would leave him. so instead he pulled the trigger and said it so he wouldnt get hurt in the future. We were very serious and we have ALOT of mutual friends! And hes a very sentimental sweet human as well. He hasnt moved on to another girl either. He always said if we were to break up for any reason then he would never be able to move on or forget me.. :/ im doing the no contact rule rn so hopefully something good comes out of that. We both live so close to eachother and go to the same college! Ive already started working on myself as well.

    • Peter White

      Hello Anne,

      The truth is love and commitment, to a guy, are two different things. We can love without committing to a woman AND we can commit to a woman we don’t even think we love.

      Falling in love (for some men) is easy, committing is tough.

  • Kgaugelo

    Iv been dating this guy for 2 years and about a week ago we had a very big fight because i found out he was cheating on me and he blow up on me and turned the situation on me and said he doesnt want to be with me anymorw i guess it was to make me feel guilty but anyway, 2 days later he sends me a text apologising for disrespecting me n tells me he can’t live without me and told him i couldnt either. We continued to communicate for a few days and now we haven’t spoken in 3 days. Im now confused as to does he want to work it thru or he still wants or if he just needs space. I dont understand whats going on. Please help

    • Peter White

      Wanting to work things out and actually doing it are two different things BUT neither one changes the facts behind his performance. 1. He blamed the cheating on you. 2. He says he can’t live without you but did everything to assure that would not happen by cheating on you.

      I’m going to say yes he “sort of” wants to work it out with you BUT most of that comes from the fact the he now understands he can get away with it. Might not be a good thing there.

      Guys cheat for lots of reasons. That I will not deny. I’m not privy to his reasons, only his actions.

      I would suggest HE needs to set a clear example here by getting the necessary REAL help to prove to you his effort is real. That means outside relationship help for him first and then for both of you. Doing this on your own probably won’t solve anything.

      Beyond that IF that’s not happening give him all the space YOU need, not him.

      All the best,
      Pete

  • Rachel

    Okay
    I got a question. Kind of a long explanation.. When I was 19 I was going to this like technical school. I started dating this guy and I was somewhat happy with him.. but this new guy (was like way hot and every girl was like practically throwing themselves at him and he also had this sort of player charismatic personality)that starting going to the same school. I noticed kept staring at me at first it made me nervous bc I couldn’t figure out why… I mean he
    was looking at me while I was with my boyfriend… and I really didn’t give it much thought but after my boyfriend and I broke up I got his (new guys previously mentioned)number off of Facebook (we were Facebook friends before my boyfriend and I broke up)when he (the new guy) posted a comment how he needed someone new to talk to. So we started talking.. and he started suddenly sending me like sexting me like all of a sudden.. which was surprising. And that when on and off for a few years… and he would sometimes text me in the morning around 8 how he wish I was there with him.. like a year later I admit to liking him via text message and I don’t get a response immediately. The next day he texts me and all says in response to my admitting that I like him is.. I think about you a lot Rachel. (With name and all) I didn’t know to respond to that bc I didn’t really know what it meant especially since he turned around and got engaged to another girl. A few months a met a guy and (despite how ridiculous and horrible the discussion..) I get married to this guy on a whim.. I eventually delete my Facebook I just didn’t see any point in keeping it… but then later like several months later I make a new one(yes relationship status was set to married).. and I send him a friend request and he almost immediately accepts it.. he doesn’t do much more than that…than I decided to do away with again cuz I just wasn’t using as much but before I got rid of it I sent him my number (which ended up changing) and with my number I put in the message how if he ever wanted to talk to anyone I was there..obviously my marriage is not a happy one and I plan on divorcing him but what I can’t fugure out and occasionally think about is if he really liked me or if I was just like some sexual conquest… he did however message me via text message with my new number just to talk which all that happened several months later…i didn’t think much of it bc I am married I told I had a son bc he asked why I moved states and I told him I lived in South Dakota with my son and he just like immediately stopped talking to me..like I said previously my marriage isn’t a happy one it’s miserable one-sided and enevitably headed for divorce which we both know and have opening said that was were we were heading(in fact we are separated right and neither of us had the money or time to go through with a divorce and even so we don’t agree on anything) it will probably be in the next year or two…I can’t help but think back that time trying to figure out what he meant by I think about you a lot Rachel…. and if he even liked me like as something more serious than just a hook up.. and if he even still likes me…
    Or what is going on.. I do however remember at first I didn’t really care for him when we met in school until I ended having class with him and got to see what he was like.. and when he started sexting I just remembered having this amazing attraction towards him… this has been in the back of my mind for so long driving me crazy I really would just like to make peace with it…

  • Vuyo

    Hey..
    I’ve been dating this guys for over 8 months now and the last 2 months he started to change, and when I ask him all these queation’s about the changes, he usually say I’m starting a fight, and why I feel the need to hurt him.
    I haven’t seen him for quite a while now and just yesterday i sent him a text, telling him that the best way is to break up, and he kept to quiet. He does’nt show any feelings regarding this.

    What I would like to know is
    What this silent meant exactly because I don’t know how he feels?

    Vuyo

  • Nina

    My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago. After being together for 3.5 years.
    We had the most amazing relationship We we’re inseparable and at the start had both felt like we’re meant to be and start a life together, till about a year and a half ago He had gotten into drugs and since then he started getting more distant. He started cheating on me when he took drugs and I tried to get him away from drugs but he seemed to not do too drastic changes to leave it. After he broke up with me he said his feelings started to change about 5months ago. He now says he doesn’t feel like he is ready for a relationship and wants to clean up his act and work on himself as he can’t be in a relationship and fix his issues it’s something he needs to do by himself in order to grow up. He still wants me in his life as he does care he says.
    He has recently asked his parents to help him get clean as he feels the drugs have made his life a mess. He’s been clean for the past 3weeks and I’m really proud of him. I want whats best for him as he is my best friend. He is still young and i feel like maybe he needs this time to figure out what he wants.

    How do i get him back? Do i leave him alone to clear his head? Would he start to miss me and come back? How does one change a persons mindset that they want you back?

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