I‘ve been more than just seeing a girl for about 2 years. You know the whole exclusive thing and all. Well we recently broke up and now it’s time to move on.
A great way to achieve and teach you about men is to give you a peak into the male mind – exactly what goes on in our heads right after a breakup.
First person of course which means you’ll get my view. After (and for those who prefer to skip the ME part just go right to the bottom) you’ll get a general view of what a man experiences after a normal somewhat typical breakup.
It’s feels like I’m still in relationship mode.
Like my “game” isn’t what it was. Like I lost the edge I had… and on top of that I feel like going out to enjoy a few casual affairs.
But doing that is much harder when you’re in relationship mode, isn’t it?
You start searching for women who are young, easy, but show no signs of wanting you back.
Maybe it’s the guilt – a self-fulfilled prophecy – because you feel bad having lost someone so close.
Almost like a mourning phase with the anger, regret, then acceptance thing.
You want to make it more real by giving the separation enough time to prove to your “nice” self that you gave it all.
I imagine if we suddenly end a long-term relationship and then immediately sleep with a few women it sort-of degrades the past experience.
De-valuing what it meant.
So if we hold off a little – give it time to settle in – it feels like it meant more.
It’s our little way of NOT admitting we were wrong AND how we DID try hard enough.
What I see, right now, as a guy…
We are sort-of destined to stay in relationship mode for a certain period after a separation.
We become more nurturing to the women we meet destroying attraction and lowering our self-confidence just a little bit.
Then we get angry with ourselves for doing those stupid things.
Like someone stole the identity we had before the relationship…
And now we have to claw our way to back to who we were before the whole thing started.
With all that we find ourselves trying way too hard.
We contact a few past girlfriends for anything we can get from them like support, intimacy, anything to get back the lost feelings we enjoyed in the relationship which just ended.
We end up making so many more mistakes and each one of them seems like an idiot thing to do – or like it the mistakes just means more now.
But it doesn’t – does it?
Who cares if we screw it up with a girl and don’t find her in bed within a night or a week.
Who cares if we say the wrong thing, act a little skittish, or run out of things to say.
Hey – men and women do that stuff all the time and putting pressure on ourselves is unfair.
I’ve found this whole “attraction game” at some point seem like we’re supposed to be this perfect little man – and then we become the ultimate man where women are beating down our doors the like they do with the “naturals”.
But here’s the real truth about that.
No woman has EVER asked me to be PERFECT.
In fact being perfect actually pushes women away. No woman with any real self-esteem wants to feel inferior to some guy or anyone.
The whole dominance – submissive thing is important but there’s a clear distinction between “inferior” and “submissive.”
One’s a female role – a sexual thing – a relationship side. The other is someone trying to achieve superiority over someone else by making them feel inferior.
What goes on in a man’s mind after a breakup, yes depends on the whole “why” or “what caused it” and is slightly based on the residual feelings left dangling close enough to emotionally grab again…
BUT based on my own experience our thoughts linger for some time…
We search for our identity.
We think about the bad, the good, and sometimes all the things we could’ve done different.
If we wait – we give it more value and it means more in the end.
If we don’t wait – we’re distracting ourselves and searching for an escape. Something to make any of the pain dissipate quicker and easier even if it’s just for a night.
In somewhat “normal” breakups, if there is something like that, men, including me DO experience a loss and although we may show it differently what goes on in our mind is a actual break from “relationship” mode.
So what have you learned about men and break ups today?
First or the most obvious – based on my experience in writing this post – we tend to ramble on a little. Don’t we?
Let’s get away from the ME perspective and throw out some details which will help you understand men in general in normal case breakups.
A man will remain for a while still in RELATIONSHIP MODE depending of course on the severity of the breakup, who broke up with whom, and how long the relationship lasted.
A guy feels like he’s off his game. Like what he had or did to attract you or get into the relationship doesn’t seem to work as well.
Which might be a good thing because…
Being in relationship mode a guy will tend to miss the intimacy or the share intimate moments above and beyond just sex.
He’ll then seek out comfort in any way he knows possible.
This includes calling ex-girlfriends, past hook-ups, going out to just get laid, revisiting old single “stomping grounds” to possibly pick up a new woman for a fling.
You know what they’re called as you have experienced them… they’re called “rebounds” and depending again on the guy and the nature of the breakup – can sometimes last a little too long.
So must maybe – being in relationship mode with very little “game” is a good thing to help a guy avoid getting trapped into a rebound relationship.
He definitely feels bad for losing someone close which means he’ll experience the stages of grief in one form or another must be played out entirely.
There’s denial… thinking maybe he’s made a mistake. If you broke up with him, then he wants you back and will deny the breakup and do smart or stupid things to win you back.
Then anger comes along rearing its ugly head. He’ll either be angry with himself or angry at you. Either way it’s going to happen and I’m sure you’ve gone through it too being on one side or the other.
Bargaining comes along… He’s thinking, “What can I do to make this better?” OR “How can I fix this problem?” OR “What do I have to do to…?” Yes you guessed it… “WIN YOU BACK!”
In reality – he might not be trying to fix it at all, although sometimes he means it.
What he’s really bargaining or trying to fix – is how BAD it feels losing someone close to him and trying to erase feeling BAD.
When those options are played out entirely – IF he finds a way to move on…
Some men turn to alcohol. Some men turn to sleeping, skipping work, binge-watching shows, ANYTHING which gives him time ALONE away from everything that reminds him of you.
Except most of the time he’s sitting around looking at everything which DOES remind him of what once was… back when you were together.
Eventually – for some – ACCEPTANCE will finally come along… for some.
The process (not being too predictable) makes it hard to determine a time or moment when it happens.
The one GUARANTEE here that most women don’t understand about men is how LONG they will hold on to their feelings for a woman.
It takes them almost FOREVER to get over losing someone they loved or thought they loved. (Whatever fits the situation.)
Here’s a quote which explains why it takes so long for guys…
“I used to get hooked on one woman and it took me over a year to get over not being with her. To this day I literally remember every lost or “not gotten” so called love of my life.
Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington says women can both enter and recover from extreme emotional states a LOT faster and easier than guys can.
If you think about it, it makes sense.
We’ve all seen a woman burst into tears one moment only to be totally fine 5 minutes later.
But when it comes to emotions, guys are a lot more “fragile.”
Gottman says it’s because of evolution. Guys were evolved to be single taskers. To push everything out of their mind except the one thing they’re hunting.
And because of that men are slower to GET INOT an emotional state and MUCH slower to get back out of it once they’re there.
Imagine an emotional state is like swimming.
Getting “emotional” for women is a lot like jumping off a dock into a lake. You get wet, sure. But the dock is right there and just a few seconds later you’re safe and dry…
But for guys, “getting emotional” is like getting dropped in the middle of the ocean…
Bobbing in the water.
Surrounded by sharks.
With land nowhere in site.”
A little background… that’s from Secret Surveys where over 20,000 men were asked, “What’s the one thing you desperately wish the woman in your
life understood about men but could NEVER tell her?”
Guys opened up… About how they FEEL about women… About what they WANT from women… About what makes them MAD about women…
Of course the survey results are private. Watch the intro video and decide if you think that type of information is worth buying.
This “holding on to their emotions has a good side and a bad side.
The good part is that if you want your ex back – all other things considered, it’s certainly possible.
Here’s a few reports just picked up on HOW to get him back:
The bad part is if you don’t want him back – expect it may be some time before he gets over you AND it also explains ONE reason why it takes so long for a guy to commit to you.
Another side point which was brought up in the beginning of this post is…
A guy will also hold on to the feelings after the breakup because it gives it more meaning.
If he quickly moves on – it doesn’t real like it had value or meant much to him. Holding on gives it substance and to a guy – makes him feel like it was worth it no matter what the outcome turned out to be.
Sleeping with another woman too quickly (for lots of men) lessen the important of the past relationship and WILL make him feel worse – not better after.
A man, just like you, can all too easily lose his sense of identity after breaking up.
Being a couple for a while, men AND women tend to merge a little. Take away that other half and it will literally feel like you’re missing a part of yourself.
It happens to guys too.
Which is just another reason to go out searching for someone to fill the void or missing pieces of themselves.
The experience or what goes on inside a man’s mind AFTER breaking up is quite varied, that I’ll admit, BUT what you seen here is definitely the most consistent parts or the parts most men SHARE with each other minus a few because everything can not be covered.
Thanks for stopping by today and I do hope you’ve not only found what you were searching for but you’ve also learned some things about men you didn’t know before.
Make sure you sign up to why do guys because it’s all this and more. Men don’t have to be confusing and I’m just the guy to reveal ALL our secrets from ones like this on break ups to what we need to feel, to our greatest fears of being a man and what it means to you as a woman.