Hi Pete. . i would like Ur help. I’ve been friends with this guy I met thru work for 15 months. We became really close so close that wen he left his gf we began seeing each other. B4 he left her he admitted having fallen for me. I also have fallen big time for him. We have been thru a lot on the last 15 months with the demise of his relationship and issues that I have had withy ex and my family too. Both my children adore him and that’s a huge compliment as my son is almost 16. Even tho we were not in an exclusive relationship I was aware that he could meet someone else at any time.. which he did 10 days after we spent a wonderful day together and being spotted by one of his friends who days later commented to him that he could see he was in love with me.. He put on fb that he was in a relationship with this girl who was plastering stuff all over his fb page.. on Xmas day. This really hurt.. The thing is i received a message out of the blue telling me he is thinking about me.. i said i miss him and he replied miss u.. We had so any plans for this yr and I know he is a little afraid of commitment after being hurt by his ex who went off with his best friend a few yrs ago… I’m so confused over all this.. can you shed some light on what maybe going on please. :-/
Sounds like a tough situation. Sorry to hear that.
The thing is, I believe you’ve fallen for a guy who is not afraid of commitment but actually thrives on it. Just not in the “typical” sense or the exact meaning of the word.
Somewhere down the road of his life he’s found without a special woman in his life, he feels anxious. Possibly lonely or even pointless. Meaning some of us feel if we don’t, or are restrained from positively affecting another woman’s life, then we’re not living up to our manly design.
Often they are good father figures but it comes with a price. They jump from one woman to the next without any personal time in the middle. They find it hard to be without a woman in their lives.
They may also find themselves getting close very quickly to women who throw everything at him. You know the one like you mentioned – plastering stuff all over his Facebook. Announcing to the world their relationship. Some of them will even boast and brag, “Look what I got!! :)”
Unfortunately those type of women may become overbearing or controlling. Which is great at first. Don’t we all just like to kick back once in a while and let someone else take the wheel.
Yet rarely can they fulfill a man’s real wants or needs. Nothing against her or him. No one is privy to perfect relationships just by chance and often we think we know what we want and constantly search for it, but rarely without clear objective thinking do we realize what we actually need is different.
Through that we end up searching in the wrong place at the wrong time only clouding future judgement.
You’ve been connected to his past. You were there for him. This connection won’t go away easily AND if he was attracted to you before – only needs to re-shift his focus to see it again. Which is probably going to happen sooner or later.
Okay so his ex went off with his best friend. Take into account his “father figure” status and what women mean to his identity. My Father is like that. I don’t think he can ever see himself as a full complete man without a woman “taking care of the little things” which could be anything.
So what happens to his identity when someone he trusts betrays him with someone else he may have trusted? (Generally speaking of course because I do NOT know the entire situation.) They look for women who are willing to complete what they feel was stolen or taken from them.
They also experience loss and depending on the situation, maturity, and person involvement MUST go through the five stages listed in the Kubler-Ross model.
Consider who he is, what you know personally about him, which stage he may be in or stuck at and then I believe you’ll understand (a little better) the guy you’re dealing with and why is acting or doing the things which are confusing you because you want to be with him.
One word of note – if I’m right, which does happen occasionally 🙂 Stay close, explore YOUR options, and allow him (guide him a little if you want)but I don’t think it’s best to enter a relationship with him until it’s completely clear that he’s gone through them all. Productively.
I’m not saying to wait for any man or offer counseling. Just suggesting if you’re the woman who’s there when “5. acceptance” happens and you’ve kept the spark alive… Nothing may feel more right than being with you. If the circumstance happens.
That is NOT a guarantee. Some men jump from stage to stage never fully accepting it all without even knowing it because of certain internal struggles which are stopping them from fully completing one stage or two.
My best guess for him is this is the bargaining stage but since I’m not a psychologist so please question everything I say in your heart.
I’m merely here to give my objective opinion and to give it from “how a guy thinks” angle.
Okay one or more things here – Let’s say I’m a guy who women seem to like and I’m exploring my options. Depending on where I am in my life and where I thought I might be, I just might go to a few places I have not been to satisfy all my needs. I also might not be ready to enter a new family even though I’m good at it.
And here I meet a woman at a perfect time where we share so many things but she also represents the family life I’m not ready for because I haven’t fully ran through the grieving process.
Sure something might happen. As it did in your case. But suddenly the friendship means so much more.
I’m not sure if I’m willing to give up all that if something goes wrong.
And so along comes this woman who makes it easy on me. Maybe our talks are not as deep. Maybe she becomes a break from all the madness before. A sort of escape from what happened.
I know… sometimes I go on and on… and sometimes I leave you with more questions than when I started by despite all that – I’m a guy. Sure not all men think this way. In fact I probably think about this stuff more than most because it’s what I do.
But please always remember as a guy, when we’re represented with several choices, will always make the choice which is right for us at the time. Even if it means confusing the ones we care for the most.
You can see it as him “taking a break” from the past. Getting past the grieving process. Entering a (for lack of better words) fun relationship which may or may not prove to be entered in shallow terms.
It can also be a way of avoid the next stage of Depression too.
With so many things going on, and so many different ways it can all play out, I suppose you just have to Skate around a little and do what YOU do best for yourself.
If he’s thinking about you and missing you and is vocal about it – he’s thinking about you. He STILL feels something. If I wanted to clear up anything for you – I hope it’s at least the “missing thing” and how you hold a special place in his heart this new girl may never be able to touch.
Thanks for writing in and if you find the time, please let me know how things work out for you.
Best of luck to you in everything.
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