Insecurity and jealousy
Why does he always do this?!
Whenever he has been to the same school/TAFE or work with a girl that he talks to on fb he will be that bit to much nice to them than a normal friend or coluege. Not so much flirting though. For example this week he is away in another town to go to classes for work. And in this class is one girl the rest are guys. But he’s been talking to her the whole time on fb, they talk about what they are studying ( mechanics) but he started off saying last night to her that he was going To sit next to her tomorrow. Which I didn’t have an issue with. And then tonight he asked her out for dinner and stopped talking I me while they were out (I had no idea who he was talking to or that he was even out) and then she asked him when they started talking on fb after dinner about going to the bar and getting some drinks the next night. And his reply was “ok, just us?” And she’s said to maybe “invite others ?” An he said he was fine with whatever… And she said she’d invite another guy from their class. And he was all like ” yeah actually better invite everyone” and he hasn’t said a word to me about anything. I’m not expecting him to tell me as soon as Everything happens .. But don’t you think it’s should be something you mention to your gf of 4yrs?
He has emotionally cheated on me before.. Telling a girl that he really liked her and he was torn between us and he wanted to kiss her etc..
That broke me. I was ready to call the quits but he still wanted me. So I gave te little faith I had left into it an it turned into something really beautiful, he told me he wants to marry me someday and have kids help me with my future career etc and talks about it with his parents and my parents and our friends ( hes not just saying it to keep me happy there’s quiet a difference)
But he’s always trying to I dunno ” get close” with girls. And never with guys. I dot know if it’s some sort of attention thing? Or weather he is a bit more at ease with females or what the go is. But I’ve talked to him about the other girls before ( not the last one though) and he says he’s sorry but he doesn’t take it seriously and does it again. And I don’t know what to do. I can’t just lay down the rules or he get burred up and he’s so stubborn that it won’t work. I do not want to end this relation ship at all I know I’m talking about him with other girls but what we have is one in a million and we have always talked through hard things, its to hard to describe it in words, so no ending the relation ship, maybe just a good talking or ass kicking advice and how the male species works would be good.What we have is good. But I just don’t understand why he keeps doing this to me.
We have been dating since we were 16 and were now 20, is it that he’s not getting out there with girls like guys his own age? The thing is that half the time it’s him that’s doing the pushing not the girl. And I don’t want to keep asking him why. I want another guys perspective. I don’t want to be that totally crazy jealous private invading bitch, but he’s doesn’t leave me much of a choice when he does stuff like this.
I don’t blame you for one second to be angry or even hurt by his actions.
The unfortunate truth is that yes, considering the ages involved and how long you two have been together, I feel he might be thinking he’s missed out on something.
For some guys, they are perfectly happy with meeting the love of their life at such an early age and although they will stare, gawk, perhaps even dream of being with someone else, those feelings pass because their heart always comes back.
For other guys it’s almost like they missed a “rite of passage.” Like they’re not sure until they can explore other options. Like if they just had some experience other than the one they are with, it would solidify, justify and prove without a doubt, you’re the one for him.
Lots of junk flows through guys who are between the ages you listed. We mature slower because some say, scientifically speaking, we tend to be larger than females so we need more growing time. And during that period the shift we experience can be quite overwhelming.
If I could imagine for one minute, well I don’t have to…
My first real girlfriend happened at a time I wanted to explore and unfortunately for her, I was a pathetic mess when it came to women and she was the one who built up my confidence and esteem.
All I wanted to do at the end of our relationship was to explore OTHER women and I found every reason to fight to make that happen.
Of course I didn’t know that at the time.
All I knew was, I wanted to experience more of what we had with other women.
She took my virginity and sex was, is, and will always be a big deal for me. Yes, in my ripe old age I can never have enough.
I hate giving tough advice because I understand I’m just giving it.
I have the easy part, don’t I?
The one taking it has to actually live it or make the hard decisions.
In your case Simone, you can learn to deal with it all in your own way, understanding what he’s experiencing and the fact his “hormones” just might be peaking long before yours does or will.
Whereas you might feel content, his body is telling his mind… more, more, more, more!!!!
With that you can hope he doesn’t stray or act on it and when it settles you will still be together.
Over time this can work out wonderfully or crash and burn 5, 10, 15, or even 20 years down the road. I’ve seen it happen and lots of women have told me that is exactly what happened when they get involved so young. Some worked through it and moved on. Some didn’t and it tore the family apart.
It might be best in your case to allow it to happen.
For the both of you to pull back to casually dating for a year or two or even three as you both sort out and discover the other side, making it clear one way or another that you’re meant, destined, or belong together and after can give it all you got.
Now that’s tough advice because there’s so much risk involved.
The future left so unanswered and undetermined is NOT something so easily left unattended to.
It’s also tough because, based on what you’re telling me, you don’t stray as much as he does from considering “other” options.
Almost like I’m asking you to give him the freedom while you sit and wait for him to get it all out of his system. And that’s not fair!
The relationship doesn’t have to necessarily end. What you’ve built together doesn’t have to be destroyed. BUT it might have to be “redefined” in a way which benefits you both.
Unfortunately he might never take “it” or your anger seriously until your threats turn into action and the whole thing dissolves.
For it to work out, and again, to open the future more, I would rather see it redefined peacefully before your ties are severed in an angry fight leaving both of you hurt and possibly thrown into a rebound relationship only to cycle back and forth like it does for so many.
Yet again, I have the easy part in all this.
I can only hope I’ve given some real options.
I can only hope to ease your mind that I don’t think you’re being a “totally crazy jealous private invading bitch” because his past actions have proven he thinks about fooling around with other women and that guys at his age, and even mine too, well we CAN be wandering on the other side and at least entertain the idea of something else happening.
Gravitating towards the one woman in the bunch while being in a 4 year relationship and speaking those words on Facebook should be mentioned to YOU and he knows it.
He also knows it going to cause a fight giving all the more reason to NOT mention it… for now at least.
My perspective, a mans view, is this.
We just might always entertain the idea of other women.
We WILL imagine or even consider it when our attraction is peaked beyond anything we have normally experienced such as famous models, actresses, or some bombshell who passes us by and we get stuck staring at.
BUT most of the time we’ll take the real because it means more.
However when we act on it, when we’re constantly defending our actions because they’re hurting the one we’re with AND we do nothing about it, when we’re indefinitely putting ourselves in positions where something else might happen with someone else…
We just might not be actually ready or convinced, or totally sure we’re in it until the end.
There’s a fine line. Just like your mind, (sexual or not) will wander you have to understand it’s the same for guys and a lot of the time it’s perfectly harmless and natural to engage in some fantasy.
You have to consider it ALL to hopefully make the right decisions or act on the insecurity or jealousy.
Thanks for writing in Simone.
I do hope this has cleared up some stuff for you and I wish you all the best with whatever decision or choice you have to make.