I has was seeing a guy, a few months ago we went on 4 dates. 1st was to a coffee shop, we had coffee, got to know each other a bit, nice chat. He then invited me over to his place, we had dinner, watched a movie and tried to kiss me but I backed off. The following date was the same at his place but this time I gave in to the kiss, everything seemed fine, we texted often, although I must say I am not very good at expressing my feelings, it takes a while for me to open up, so he was more vocal about how he felt etc. The last date was when things went sour, again over at his place, we watched a movie but the conversation wasn’t as great, he seemed a bit distant, I didn’t read too much into it but then when I texted him to say I got home safely as I usually did he didn’t reply. I then initiated contact the following day and he simply stopped responding..this got me thinking what have I done wrong?! Has he lost interest? Was it because we didn’t have sex?! Few days later he sent me a “marry christmas” text but I ignored, I was hurt. It has now been over 3 months since we were last together and I miss him deeply, I want to tell him that I miss him but I am scared, its been 3 months he has probably moved on. What should I do? Thanks Lo xx
I see a lot of “red flags” here. 1st date at a coffee shop. Not bad I suppose.
2nd date, HIS place for dinner and a movie. Not good long-term speaking.
That means if you’re ever looking for something more “long-term” with a guy, it would be best to avoid his place on the second date.
So… He tried to kiss you and you refused. Nice!
Now if he was dropping you off after a date or it was a spur of the moment kind of thing while ON a date, then I’d say cool but because of this whole second date at his place thing, it IS best that you refused it. Unless you were obviously looking short-term of course.
What gets me at this point is when you wrote this, “he was more vocal about how he felt”.
Based on my experience, if a guy is all too vocal about his feelings on or close to the second date, or within a week or two of meeting you, something’s wrong.
He’s either looking for some quick sex OR he’s overly needy/desperate.
I’m not saying a guy shouldn’t act interested but that if a guy is absolutely positive he’s SO into you that quickly, it’s normally NOT a good thing. Sexually speaking sure, we DO become highly sexually attracted very quickly but for one, being too vocal about THAT is not right, and too vocal about love and commitment and relationship that quickly is equally not right too.
Since HIS idea of a date is to bring you to his house for the same old dinner and a movie… I’m going to say “quick sex” or getting laid was extremely high on his agenda.
TO back it all up…
The next date, diner and a movie at HIS place again.
He acted a little off almost like he knew he wasn’t going to get any but I see it as more of a game to open you up. To see if you would respond by pestering him what was wrong or how you do like him or how YOU’RE sorry for acting distant.
He was probably trying to “flip the script” which honestly, for some women in those circumstance does work.
It creates an emotional moment where you’re more likely to open up for a sexual encounter. At the same time it takes the blame out of his hands, makes YOU feel guilty for not wanting him or giving in to his advances no matter how small they may seem, and plays right into HIS hand in HIS court, on HIS time frame, by HIS rules of the game.
Let’s take the next fact… “I texted him to say I got home safely as I usually did he didn’t reply.”
A genuinely real person, not just a guy, who actually cared would’ve at least responded with something UNLESS he was upset that he didn’t get any or figured he played it wrong.
By now, he hasn’t given up on you, but probably moved on to another woman to try again.
Think hard about what I wrote and consider what you said, “he simply stopped responding..this got me thinking what have I done wrong?!”
What YOU did wrong?
Players all too often “play” women by making you believe YOU did something wrong.
They play into a weakness or fear of not being liked. They amp up your emotions, make you feel weak, and take advantage of those heightened feelings.
Of course that’s just one type of player.
I honestly don’t see anything you did that was wrong.
Sure, accepting a second and third date which was exactly the same, dinner and movie at his place, was probably not a good thing but all circumstance aside, it’s not terrible.
Actually I fault him for showing a lack of imagination and his flawed attempt of seduction.
If I wanted to seduce you quickly 😉 my first move wouldn’t be going back at my place. I may introduce my place for a minute or two, make you feel comfortable with who I was and where I lived, but then quickly we’d be off doing something exciting.
But shhh…. that’s a secret. 😀
Okay Lo, so you’re not good at expressing your feelings early on.
Personally I’d say that’s a good thing.
So you don’t want to kiss a guy all too quickly when you’re not comfortable, the right guy at the right time, CAN and WILL not only make you feel comfortable but will probably be much better at opening you up slowly and understand your pace.
That doesn’t mean he’d be willing to wait a year or after 15 dates but so let’s be reasonable here. After a few dates which were the typical dinner and movie doesn’t do much to your excitement level, does it?
I understand you want to tell him you miss him but why honestly, why bother.
Unless he comes up with a real plan AND if you’re only looking long-term, hopefully this missing thing will slowly fade away as you look onward and upward.
Please do what you can to NEVER let a guy feel like you did something wrong because you didn’t profess your undying love within a few dates.
Onward AND upward Lo!