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Hooking Up With Him Is One Thing, But Why Isn’t He Committing To You?

in Commitment Issues and Fears
This man is missing something. What does need to commit to a woman. Is it her? Is it him?

Me and this guy who I have fallen for very hard have been “hooking up” for the past year. At first it was texts all day everyday and we’d have sleepovers every weekend. We even hung out once during the week after work. He got this new commuting job and its an amazing job for him. Shorty alfter the texts slowed down and wed see eachother maybe every other week. then it went once a week if I was lucky. He would even start ignoring my texts sometimes. The past summer we stopped talking completely for 3 months and then ended up at a party and it felt like again how it always would be when we were together. The thing now is though its like we’ll only text eachother at night after the bar and all that. But he treats me like im his gf and even introduces as his but then wont text me for a week after these weekends occur. I know he is being sincere when he says he has had a rough life that puts a lot of heaviness on him and makes him feel like a fucked up person.Ill always reassure him I understand him and have had patience and he tells me I have no idea how much that means to him. But whats the reason he isn’t fully commiting?

It’s been my experience that men don’t commit, because there’s something missing.

Unfortunately the missing piece or pieces can be just about anything. Some are strictly his own. Some are outwardly defined in the woman herself. At least in his eyes.

Let’s take his situation Meghan

A new job is practically like starting a new life. For some it’s exciting and so different they begin to question the old life and as the social group changes… so do the friends and girlfriends too.

For some guys a new job may seem appealing but being on the younger side, it also means “growing up.” Defining a set path which is now being laid out in vivid detail. So for them, it’s a tough thing to swallow depending on how he matured.

If you were to add an already casual girlfriend to the mix, like committing to her, you’re definitely setting things in motion which are very life changing. Not many men are ready for that complete change just yet.

It’s enough to cause a guy to pull back until he’s absolutely sure it’s the right thing to do.

He’s keeping his past with you special. Right?

And now he has this new present were lots of things are probably changing very quickly.

You’ve become his “special” link to the past. Perhaps a more simple time. Perhaps a place where the future was more open.

But now, just maybe, he’s questioning where this new job will take him. Who will he meet? What new opportunities will come up? What if I make the wrong decision and regret it. Not only is he being selfish he’s also questioning what that will do to you.

Yes there are always two sides to a kind man’s commitment. It’s not always all about how it affects him.

“Will I regret being with her, and what will that regret do to her. Will my decision affect her so she’ll end up hating me and forever never again be there for me – like she’s been so far.”

I feel some men take the plunge all too easily. They settle.

Other men just need the right amount of time to explore and to come back knowing fully, nothing feels better or more right than when “I’m with her.”

All this happens at different times in every man’s life so it’s hard to capture the right guy at the right time who’s in that perfect place to give it a go.

I know that makes it all seem impossible but just remember you’re a part of those pieces when they all fit together.

You do have a fair amount of say in the matter.

In my opinion Meghan – you seem to pick up right where you left off a lot. This tells me he hasn’t lost touch with you. He still cares for you.

BUT… he’s at a crossroads. Perhaps he’s just not ready to give it all because he’s giving so much to his new job.

Not only wouldn’t it be fair to you to have him commit and not fully “commit” his resources he may not “mentally” ready for it.

It seems he’s moving directions and if I was him, in that situation, I would be less likely to enter a more pronounced relationship.

There’s no definite way to tell if it’s one or the other or a mixture of both, at least from my point of view.

One reason would be he’s wants to see where this new adventure takes him. The other being not ready for such a huge change. Taking one step at a time instead of lunging forward with everything.

In my shoes, if I was him, I’d want you to stay close just like you’ve done. Supportive and mildly impressed. 🙂

I want to get the feeling like we never miss a beat even if a week goes by.

I would also need a reasonable distance which will show me how deeply I feel for you. Being apart is a definite way of proving to us how much we care for someone.

It may suck but in our minds, when we’re able to compare you (as a woman) to some other woman, we can suddenly realize, “You know – Not only do I fucking love her but if I lose her, I’m never going to find someone like her -ever!”

Reassurance, patience, and understanding is a good thing to have. He appreciates it. Not many men wouldn’t.

But unfortunately it’s not usually the deciding factor to get a commitment from a guy. So please, Do NOT give up on other options in the meantime.

Trust me, telling a guy you’ll wait for him is best left to fairy tales and movies.

It’s been a year of “hooks ups” and shared moments and now, with his new job, he’s pulling away. Whether he’s using that as an excuse, or it’s only partly to blame still does not change the fact that he didn’t commit before.

Which tells me something’s missing.

I feel it’s best to explore all your options. Study all sides of the story even mine. 🙂 Do Guys Have Every Reason To Be Afraid of Commitment?

Whatever you choose it’s always helpful to just do something for yourself.

As in my usual way I’ve probably said too much 🙂 But I do hope I’ve given something real to consider and some choices to make.

Thanks Meghan and as always, the best of luck to you.

Oh yeah. I love the quote from below because it says it all…

Some men aren’t able to commit to a woman because they’re not ready or the timing isn’t right. But often, even a committed bachelor will take the plunge when he meets a woman who embodies a certain mindset that creates what I call emotional attraction in him. Why Men Settle Down With One Woman and Not Another – Christian Carter – Located at the Approach

Peter White. Revealing the secret world of men because we’re not all that obvious. 😉 Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thank you for everything.

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2 comments… add one
  • Carey

    You have answered a question previously about my situation, but he threw a line at me last night that totally threw me for a loop.

    When I confronted him about avoiding the issue of wanting to have sex with me while preaching that he respected me, yet rejecting me when I offered him sex, he threw this at me: “I would rather have you 20 years from now bullshitting with me than doing it at the wrong time and fucking things up.”

    What the hell does that mean??? It is obvious that he is beyond attracted to me and does respect me and has even said that he loves me, but that statement just floors me.

    • Peter White

      Carey,

      He believes having sex with you will screw things up. I’m not sure if it’s because he thinks too many relationships fail or have more problems if they’re based on sex early OR if he has “other” reasons such as performance issues.

      Although it’s hard for most accept or try, myself included, if we’re searching for a long-term relationship with someone specific, having sex too early is not recommended. I’m sure he feels the same way and is sticking to his decision.

      The bullshitting part simply means – “I want this to last forever and having sex with you at the wrong time is too much of a risk. I don’t want to risk losing what we have right now.”

      Pete

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