There’s this guy that comes in to get coffee where I work and he’s SUPER attractive to me and I get all giddy. He has a huge grin on his face when he speaks to me and we always end up chatting about something random.
He said he was looking for me one day when I wasn’t working because he said he wanted to take me riding on a bulldozer (I guess he works in construction) and he always says “it was good seeing you again”.
He asked where I was from originally, if I lived alone and we started talking about pets and he pulls out his phone and starts showing me pictures of his dog, at one point he even tapped my arm and leaned in and once he was leaving and I was taking out trash and he made sure to speak to me and used my name…
I know this is silly but I’m wondering why he didn’t ask for my number or if I’m reading too much into it...
Laria, I don't think you're reading too much into it at all. He's obviously flirting with you. He's even showing you his phone and that's a big hint or sign that he wants your number in it.
EXCEPT for some guys - even the simplest thing like asking for your number can be an unbreakable barrier causing them to leave you forever waiting for those few seemingly simple and innocent words,
"Can I get your number?"
So what you're asking is not silly at all.
Here's how and why these things happen when everything appears to be going great:
Men have what I call a tipping point as it relates to getting a woman's number. They want it right away but FAIL to find a way to ask for it.
Each time you have talked to each other it's on the back of his mind but he just can't find the right words, the right way to introduce it into the conversation, and the timing either isn't perfect or he felt like he missed it.
You would think it would get easier but it only get harder for him as he has crossed the "tipping point" and feels it would be weird, creepy, or odd to ask for it now.
So he (they) don't ask for it and go in an entirely different direction...
They begin waiting for YOU to do something. They begin hoping you'll bring it up. They want YOU to make it fall-over easy for them. They want you to make it a stress free "guaranteed" exchange with no fear of rejection and as little awkwardness as possible.
In your case - he's acting like a type one guy on the outside, being all cool, flirt, and chatty; but in reality (unless there's something really strange going on with him and his openness) he's a type two.
Type ones will NOT hesitate to get your number very often unless you completely take them by surprise, catch them completely off guard, or they're just flirting with you with absolutely no attraction or intention to DO anything about it.
Type twos can act like him yet still FAIL in what is called the pivotal transition period which clearly make them that type.
Theses transition periods are missed (or screwed up) because these types of guys just don't understand how the whole mating process goes.
Opening or approaching a woman which leads to a conversation is one transition moment. Another would be going for the first kiss on a date. Another would be asking for a date while talking to you.
The transition you're personally experiencing with this guy is going from a fun flirty good time conversation into asking for your number.
Trust me - for most guys not only is it a nerve wracking moment but feels impossible. Think about it...
Exactly HOW do you go from, "Look at my pets - cute - what's your number?"
It not only doesn't feel right, guys imagine it sounds creepy and weird unless they do it perfectly. They just don't get how it's a perfectly natural thing to do IF it's done with class and starts with something as simple taken from your case:
"I want to take you for a ride on my bulldozer. Let's exchange numbers and we'll make it happen."
Of course - reading that again you can obviously see how that can come across as kind of creepy if it's not segued perfectly.
And what about...
"Hey before you take out that trash - let me get your number and I'll give you a call sometime."
Yeah - very strange indeed.
Hopefully you can now see how it's not that easy for a guy who doesn't know what he's doing OR if he's really never done it much before to ask for your number.
REMEMBER - these things are not taught, they are learned by experience and EVERY type two knows that and constantly finds himself in a very real dilemma as he processes this out in his mind,
"She'll think I do this all the time. She'll think I'm a player. She'll think I'm some sleazy dude who farms numbers just to get laid. HOW do I ask her without coming across like I'm one of THOSE guys."
They wait for YOU to do it for them.
They wait for you to make it easy on them.
They wait for you to assure you don't see him that way, how it's okay to ask for your number, and that you're not going to reject him.
In your specific case - he frequents there a lot adding even more "what if" pressure to the situation if you reject him, if you go out with him, if something happens between the two of you along the way.
When you think it Laria - what's really SILLY is the mind of a type two guy who only wants to get to know you better but struggles so hard with every transitional step along the way, right?
Is there something you or any woman can do who finds herself talking to a guy who just won't "man up" and ask for your number?
There are two schools of thought in this matter.
One says - if everything is good on your end and you're open to meeting guys and giving out your number AND they're generally responsive, then NO.
You don't want to take the lead. You'll be better off with a guy who knows the steps, understands how it all works, AND is confident enough to risk the rejection and ask for your number.
Because THAT is the type of guy who can lots of other things right too.
The other says - So what?
He's not good at "this" sort of stuff. Maybe it's good he's not prowling or farming for random numbers. Maybe that makes him a better guy in the end.
EXCEPT - understand with that guy, you will have to use all your available tools and skills to get him to see the light without having to chase him down because chasing a guy is not advised... ever.
It's certainly a tough one to take a side on and even tougher to prove you're right in the decision you take.
How about somewhere in the middle?
This certainly seems to be an area of meeting and dating guys that with the right compromise, can lead to some great results.
So if you are running into these "type two" guys and you want to push them along or make it easier on him without making it seem like you're chasing him or showing way too much interest... what's your next move?
How can that be done if it is possible at all?
Actually it IS with the right mindset and the right conversational/flirty skills.
Get it out of your head that showing interest in a guy is chasing him.
Saying hello, flirting back a little, even OFFERING YOUR NUMBER is NOT a real definition of chasing a guy.
Use some clever and smart ways so it happens naturally by "talking" your way into his phone.
In your specific case when he showed you his phone THAT is when you casually mention YOU should be in it and if he still doesn't get the hint, well then you might have to go about it a little more bluntly.
Phones are marvelous tools in dating so use it to your best ability. Here are some examples:
Get him to take a picture of you holding his favorite cup of coffee and tell him he has to send it you.
Tell him you want a picture of that cute pet he showed you and he must send it to you - then you're naturally exchanging numbers.
Show him something on your phone he might like and then offer to send it to him IF he's "willing" to give out his number to some "hot sexy" woman like yourself.
Point being - USE the phone for all its worth. Just make sure it comes up in the conversation one way or another and go from there.
Don't miss this "easy" opportunity" to make it so simple for him to get your number that he'd be a fool to decline or miss that hint.
And believe me - NO REAL MAN considers this chasing.
He won't feel like HE is picked up.
Giving out your number is only the beginning. Talking and saying hello is only the beginning.
What comes AFTER is when it can be seen as chasing him and/or not being the real challenge a guy want and needs so that is when you need to be a little more careful about what you do and say.
PLUS you have to make sure you're clear on which type of guy you're dealing with because these things are generally handled different from one type to the next - which yes - means read my home page AND download my ebook on the two types of guys and learn all you can about them and their different ways of action or non-action.
What comes AFTER is what my "go to" guy refers to as "make or break moments" and that is where things get a little more complicated and require a more delicate approach - because (generally speaking) that is where most of the mistakes are made.
That is when you can all too easily make the guy feel like he's being chased.
Men often struggle transitioning in each step of dating to an actual relationship.
Today's post covered the problems men have going from a fun flirty conversation into asking for your number.
They often are given (if a woman is handling things on her own end at least competently) several moments to take action and ask for your number. If they miss those moments and fail to act...
Asking for your number feels like it becomes harder and impossible to slip it into the conversation.
When a guy misses enough of those moments he will then decide to wait for the woman to make it easy on him or just hand over her number. He may wait forever for that to happen while at the same time - keeping the meetings and conversations going.
Since the "fail to act" guy is typically the mark or trait of a type two guy his excuses will be long and sometimes ridiculous but they are all too real for him.
Remember, type twos just don't get it (you) or are fully aware of the steps of mating.
When dealing with situations like this - you have a choice:
Make it easy on him by using clever and communication skills to either get him to ask or to make it VERY clear to him he won't be rejected AND that it's okay to ask for your number OR...
Choose to believe or act based on the idea that if a guy isn't confident or well-aware of the steps then he just isn't the right guy for you. It's totally up to you to decide which is best for you.
Personally I believe there is a compromise.
There is some place in the middle you can go as long as you understand the difference between chasing and showing way too much early interest. It's okay to get a type two guy to act a little more assured because - it doesn't make him a bad man or a man who won't be perfect for you.
A man should probably not be judged for failing at this step (getting your number) when the other steps or transitions or ways in which he communicates with you are FAR more important traits of a guy to be concerned with and those are the one you should be testing for early on.
- Image by Eduardo Simões Neto Junior.