Guys will stare and it’s inevitable fact that most of them, will NEVER approach a woman. The reasons why are actually simple so let’s get right to it so you can get back to that hopefully cute guy who was checking you out and not saying a word.
Many guys fear the approach as much or even more than speaking in public and if you know how scary that can be for people, that is a lot of fear.
They get way too nervous.
They think way too much about what to say and if they can not come up with something clever, they don’t, won’t or never will approach a woman.
Some even think you’re amazingly hot and can only think of telling you how beautiful they think you are. (A comment they know every guy has already said to you sometimes a thousand times.)
Here’s a fact:
Men are not conversational driven like women which presents many more problems on top of the nervousness.
They’re not taught how to approach a woman in school or anywhere.
They have to rely on their friends to help them and since many of them, don’t know how to do it themselves, there’s not much knowledge being passed on. Of course there’s you tube, movies, and pick up ebook and programs but it’s safe to say most guys won’t or don’t get the right education on “picking up” women or girls which become another problem in itself.
You can assume most guys are nice and seeking help through a pick-up book is not something they will ever invest in because they don’t want to pick up women. They merely want to talk to the woman they’re staring at because… and here it is…
They’re feeling instantly attracted to the object of their stares!
Here’s the whole of the problem:
They’re feeling nervous and believe being nervous around a woman is not attractive – one reason to not approach.
They don’t know what to say which will make it feel like they’re not trying to pick you up. Anything they come up with in their head, if anything does beyond “Hello” feels like a pick up line and they simply do not want some pretty girl think they’re a sleazy player pick-up dude just trying to get in your pants.
Another reason to just sit back and stare.
Some men also don’t really know how to talk to a woman let alone make a public approach to a stranger. Yes, men suffer from stranger danger too but in a way that’s a little different than you.
They fear public rejection. They imagine the worst scenario. They become so wrapped up in their own projected future thoughts it compounds the fear and just choose to remain silent.
Some DO understand women are not solely into looks and you might think that’s a good thing, but to a guy, it’s not. When they consider how much attraction needs to be created through their body language, attitude, social status, and conversational approach – the pressure mounts and starts running through their entire body and more.
Because now they believe if they screw up the conversation and (any or all) of the so-called attraction triggers they must create in you (after the approach) you’ll never give them a chance. Hence the fear of rejection continues to grow at an alarming rate.
A guy stares at a woman and does not approach because he’s nervous, doesn’t know what to say, fears being publicly rejected and humiliated which will all but destroy his confidence.
By now it’s safe to assume you are wondering WHY is he staring then and that’s a great question I hear a lot. No worries – I’m going to reveal that too although I did mention it a few paragraphs ago.
He likes what he sees. He’s feeling instant attraction. 99 or more time out of a 100 it’s pure physical ATTRACTION!
This is how the “notice her and don’t approach” goes most of the time for men:
We notice her from afar. Wow. She’s hot. A friend might even smack them on the arm and say,
“Dude. Look at her. She’s incredible.”
We would check her out casually and turn away quickly when she caught us. Yeah, we try to be all smooth about it thinking you didn’t notice… but you did or else you wouldn’t be here on this article today.
We don’t want her to think we’re like every other “creepy” guy. We don’t want her to think we were objectifying her body even though in part, we were. Can you blame us. You’re quite hot!
Let’s say we’re out playing pool and notice you. We will use every opportunity to admire your beauty but of course at the same time find every excuse to not approach her:
- She probably has a boyfriend or worse yet married.
- She wouldn’t like us.
- We could embarrass ourselves if she shot us down.
- If we only knew what to say to get her interested but doubt “that’s” going to happen.
- What if she says something hurtful or worse yet, calls us an ugly loser… ouch!
- Who are we to believe we could ever have a woman like you. We’ve never even been given the opportunity before so we wouldn’t even know what to do if she talked back. Ahhh yes, the very real and compounding fear of success!
- We could stutter like some fool and look totally pathetic.
Hopefully you can now see the full effect of our attraction towards you, what goes on inside our minds, and why you find most men will not approach you but continue to stare.
Let’s go deeper into the “Staring” part so you can fully understand why and how it happens.
Men are generally drawn to the physical attributes on a woman as if you didn’t already know it, but there may be some details you’re not aware of that is happening which is associated with the fear of approach.
When we see a girl that we are highly attracted to there’s a mysterious force ( attraction ) which draws our eyes to her. Some guys stare right at the breasts. Some try to position themselves to check out her ass. It all depends on the “type” of guy.
Some gaze at her eyes hoping and praying she will approach him and magically they will run off together. Okay this one is absurd but believe me, it does happen.
This staring mechanism goes deep and the feelings or imagery create last a really long time. That’s how effective and powerful it is for us.
I remember seeing this incredible woman at a baseball game and by the end of the ninth inning my mind had us doing the boyfriend and girlfriend stuff together. Sure it was pathetic but let’s not focus on how sad and lonely it was for me during those times.
Well let me tell you I can’t remember a thing about who won the game or who was playing, but I still can see her in my mind… and that was over twenty years ago.
If the attraction mechanism that is put inside a guy is that powerful, just imagine how powerful the fear associated with approaching a woman is too.
Now think back to how all this started. You know, before our modern social world was built. Years ago we could get smacked up pretty hard for approaching the wrong woman. We could even lose our lives.
Imagine a group of 20 humans living as animals in the wild. Chances are during our small lifetime we would be extremely lucky to even come across another group.
Therefore if we were to approach a woman we felt attracted to and failed, we could ruin our chances with every available woman in the group. On top of all we’ve covered today – this fear – is very real because it feels like if we screw it up with one woman – every other woman sees it and therefore we’ve blown our chances with them also.
We realize it’s not true but remember, it FEELS that way so it become very real to us.
Guys stare because they’re feeling attracted to one or more physical features on you. It varies from man to man although there are some features most men are agreeable attracted to under any circumstance.
We won’t, don’t, or feel we can not approach because:
A fear of failure, public rejection, and sometimes the very real fear success. (Yes, getting you to talk to us is one thing but then what do we do if we succeed in that.)
Not knowing what to say, how to say, how to act, or basically how to approach a woman we’re attracted to which causes us to overthink, become nervous, and freeze up internally.
Some men at some point did gather their courage and approached some woman they were checking out and was interested in meeting and it didn’t go well. Maybe it was him screwing it up and just maybe the woman (or women) made them feel like a loser and publicly humiliated them causing them to relive the same feelings of anxiousness over and over again.
Anxiety and nervousness based on old “fight or flee” modes experienced long ago which still run through our bodies. Back when approaching the wrong woman at the wrong time could easily lead to death or forever being banned from finding a mate.
I didn’t mention this but it is very real: Some women appear unapproachable to us. As if they’re doing everything they can (knowingly or not) to make themselves less available to start a conversation.
Whether it’s a look, surrounding yourself in a group, nervousness yourself, not paying attention or noticing what is happening, some women just put out a vibe,
“Do NOT under any circumstance approach me. I do NOT want to talk to you or anyone. Stay away please!”
Guys stare at women, check them out, eye them from afar because it’s a driving force behind how their initial attraction triggers work.
And it feels GOOD to experience that attraction so we want or sometimes can not help ourselves from doing it.
More than 99% of the time, when a guy is staring at you it’s because he sees something he likes. He’s feeling ATTRACTED to you.
Something about you is triggering an instinctual emotion which has been around a very long time.
It does NOT matter how attractive you THINK you are at that stage (mostly) or how you’re dressed, where you’re going what you’re doing, who you’re with, whether you’re married, engaged, in a relationship, NOTHING makes a difference.
If we feel attracted to you we’re more likely to check you out and for some guys this leads to stares, glances, up to and unfortunately including creepy longing looks which become all too annoying and confusing at the same time IF you don’t know why it’s happening or the guy doing it.
Now for the ULTIMATE question I know you’re thinking of asking…
How do you get more guys to STOP staring at you and just APPROACH you already?
The answer to that question is unfortunately not so simple.
You can’t erase a man’s fears with just a look – most of them won’t even understand it anyways. They’re generally not as good at reading signals as you.
It’s certainly not advisable to wave him over even with a smile. Sure it will work sometimes but it just doesn’t feel like the right way to meet a guy.
You also can not just yell loudly, “Hey you! Stop staring at me and get over here.” That would only make him believe you’re mad at him for checking you out and he’ll probably run.
It appears THIS problem is not entirely under your direct control but there are certainly things you can do to make it more likely he’ll give up on the staring and start a conversation with you.
Here are some things you can do to make it easier on a guy:
Make direct eye contact for a few seconds.
Smile – not too big, not too small. Just enough so he sees you’re not angry at him for looking at you.
Go back to what you’re doing.
Repeat it again – just once.
What you’re doing is giving a green light and by doing it a second time you’re reassuring to him that what he saw really happened and your focus was on him.
Beyond that – it’s up to HIM. Don’t get too excited though because as you can see from all the reasons listed above – approaching a woman is NOT something men do very well at all or even try a few times in their entire lifetime. (Depending on circumstances of course because where and when makes a big difference on if he’ll come over to talk to you.)
Above and beyond all that here are some more tips:
Don’t bury your head in your phone or a book or surround yourself with lots of your friends. This is seen by men as being a STOP light – it’s saying DO NOT APPROACH ME!
Use your intuition to guide your body language so you appear more open and relaxed. Whether a guy gets it doesn’t matter. He will sense it even if he doesn’t realize what he’s seeing.
Getting a man to approach you is mostly about him but it also will come down to how open and approachable you appear to him.
It’s unfortunate but you’ll find the more attractive and confident you are, the less you’ll likely to be approached because it intimidates most type two guys. They’ll believe every guy is already out to “get” you causing them to think and believe they would never have a chance with you anyways. Causing them to just opt for staring.
This makes for another problem because you must never downplay yourself – you shouldn’t become less confident AND you certainly must not dress down just to get more guys to approach you – that would be absurd.
I understand this leaves you in a tough position and makes so much of it out of your control BUT its okay but you want a balance anyways.
Too many men approaching means you’ll be wasting a lot of time and have guys trying to open you up that you would never want anyways.
Too little leaves you wondering why you’re getting the stares and no one coming over just to say hello.
This leaves one final section…
The REAL secret to men approaching you as it relates to meeting men.
You now know everything there is about why a guy would stare and not approach you AND how much of it has to do with you and how much of it has to do with him.
You also now understand some of it will always be out of your control. You can only do so much to get a guy to come to you especially if you’re looking for something more with him.
It’s time to move on – make yourself your approachable – and let the meeting men part take care of itself. You have so much more control over the meeting part than you might think so that is where a lot of your focus should be.
There’s no more to this approach problem than the answers you’ve been given today.
All that really matters or will make difference is how many real high quality men you meet and knowing why a guy stares and doesn’t do anything helps – but it’s not helpful in dating men.
Thanks for stopping by – hope you found the answer you were looking for – sign in below and I’ll do my best to not only help you understand men but answer lots of your questions you might have about them.
UPDATE: I have an entire post coming dedicated to meeting men with my now not-so-secret formula to make it happen so get on the list below so you’ll know when it’s up.