How do you feel about girls asking guys out?
I find myself doing this every so often because I’m tired of sitting around waiting for some guys to man up & take the hint. I recently asked out a guy that I was friendly with. I wanted to go out with him to get to know him better & to see if I liked him as more than a friend. I also thought it would probably be easy since we already got along well. I tried making it casual, giving the impression that this was a means of “getting to know you” rather than “let’s date & get married cuz I’m in love with you.” But ever since the date, he’s been doing this thing where he ignores me…sometimes. I’ve come to the conclusion that he tends to be weird in a crowd but normal one-on-one. When we actually have a “normal” conversation, I get the vibe that he likes me. I’ve been trying to remain friendly yet flirtatious without coming off as needy, but when he ignores me I get really frustrated & upset with him. Then I start to ignore him, thinking that must be what he wants from me. I do like him & would still like to spend time with him. I’m just trying to decide where to go from here.
It’s been about 6 months since our date. He hasn’t made much effort on his part in regards to going out of his way to seek me out & talk to me. I’ve been told by a reliable source that he has been struggling with some self-confidence issues as of late. I’m wondering if that might be a big part of why he’s been off lately. Anyway, would it be terrible to ask him out one more time to see if it’s any better this time around? Or did I totally ruin my chances by taking the masculine role & asking him out in the first place? Do I just need to put aside the fact he’s been ignoring me & make the effort to talk to him & build his confidence through flirtation & then wait to see if he makes a move? Or am I still taking on the masculine role when it’s me approaching him first & initiating conversation most (if not all) of the time?
I obviously just need some advice. Thanks!
My opinion on who should ask who out remains unchanged...
You want to ask a guy out, DO IT! BUT... if he doesn't take some kind of leadership role AND you're doing all the work, stop dating him.
If you're not getting what you want from a guy as in he's making little or no effort to seek you out and talk to you or inquire about another date... Stop dating him.
That's my personal opinion.
I'd hate to see you wasting your time "trying" to make something work.
Attraction is not something you can force and if a guy's truly feeling it for you, more often than not he WILL show it.
Honestly Brittany, from my experience, if a guy is acting different ( or weird ) while you're out, in other words he's not showing attraction, and opens up a little more during private conversations but still not showing any real signs of chemistry ( something more than a vibe ) ... he most likely only wants to be friends.
And believe me...
NONE of that happened because YOU asked HIM out.
He may have pulled back after realizing you were feeling "something" for him and he wasn't but that was already there.
Sure, maybe he's socially awkward.
Maybe his confidence is low around women.
Maybe he's not getting the signals or the hints you're throwing at him.
That's very probable among lots of men.
If that's the case and something happens between you two because you were persistent AND he is attracted to you as more than just a friend... that's wonderful!
Won't you be stuck constantly being the one in charge?
The social director.
The public nurturer.
Always initiating anything and everything which happens between you UNTIL he learns to stand up and take more of a leadership role in HIS life.
My favorite "relationship" woman and I'm quoting her because what she teaches actually prepares ( helps us ) enter better relationships, which we must admit happens in the dating process... says this,
At first glance, these actions might seem completely harmless. In fact, you may feel that he’ll just see you as being friendly and want to get closer to you. But doing any of these things shifts you into masculine energy and makes you the pursuer in the relationship.
When a man feels even a little bit pursued, he’ll feel he doesn’t have to work so hard to win you over and will immediately drop his efforts.
...Lure him, don't chase him....
Okay I want to clear something up about asking a guy out...
Asking a guy out, ( as far as I'm concerned because others might not share the same view) , is NOT a masculine role or thing to do.
An introduction or an invitation, when done in a present state of mind, is a neutral act.
What happens doing courtship or dating tends to be one or the other such as taking on the dominant or submissive role which is often seen as masculine or feminine but they're not exactly the same.
However let's not get into definitions or semantics on this page.
From a guy's perspective...
If a woman asks us out we ASSUME she's attracted to us and we might be hesitant or less likely to "chase her."
Guys who expect it might become a little cocky about the whole thing, tease you over it, become a little more illusive and you'll definitely give our Ego a tug.
They'll feel in charge and if everything works out WILL remain the leader and take charge when it's appropriate.
Guys who are NOT used to this happening or don't feel good enough for women WILL become confused, possibly displaced or even emasculated, but also smitten over the girl much quicker.
They will happily hand over the leadership role to YOU. Possibly because they don't feel in charge of their love life anyways.
THAT is how I think you should see this answer for what it's worth.
Ask him out...
"Give a guy every reason to want to see you again, to have him feel compelled to be with you, to send his mind racing, wondering, feeling urgent because he believes some other guy’s going to snatch you up right underneath him... Suddenly he finds time for you. Suddenly he’s rearranging his schedule for YOU. Should You Re-Contact A Guy Who is Not Showing You The Right Interest?
Take note to the direction he goes after and whether or not he's the type of guy to take some leadership or the type of guy who gives it up all too easily making YOU do all the work.
You wrote these questions to me:
"Would it be terrible to ask him out one more time to see if it’s any better this time around?"
No it wouldn't be terrible but if it's going to be different the second time I think he's the one who make it happen. Otherwise you'll get stuck chasing him rather than luring him.
Did I totally ruin my chances by taking the masculine role & asking him out in the first place?
Definitely NOT because just asking a guy out is not a masculine role.
"Do I just need to put aside the fact he’s been ignoring me & make the effort to talk to him & build his confidence through flirtation & then wait to see if he makes a move?"
You've already done enough. You put IT out there and he did nothing to support it and develop it.
It's not YOUR job to build a man's confidence.
Teasing him or flirting with him is supposed to be an exchange of humor, wit, and sexuality.
It's meant to feel good for BOTH people.
"Or am I still taking on the masculine role when it’s me approaching him first & initiating conversation most (if not all) of the time?"
It's not a masculine role to be the one doing all the work and getting nothing in return.
You want to ask guys out because you're tired of waiting around for them to DO something about it, I understand.
I can only suggest a few things to help you out:
- Create attraction first by making impressions on them which leaves them wanting more and then make sure you give him the space to feel it.
- Avoid asking friends out UNLESS you're both feeling so much friction that it's impossible to remain "just friends."
- If you do ask guys out make sure that after you're not left doing all the work. You should not have to build a man's confidence.
Thank you Brittany for your wonderful question... and as always wishing you the best of luck,