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Why Do Guys…?

First Date Confusion – He doesn’t Call You Back! Is He Interested?

Woman Staring At Phone Confused

They went out Friday night after meeting off an internet dating site. He quickly mentions how he "doesn't get on there much" and how they should exchange numbers.

She agrees and they text a few times before he says we should go out sometime very soon. She agrees and they set up a Friday night date.

He gets a kiss in the taxi and offers her a choice - "Call it a night or come up to his place to watch a movie."

She follows him to his apartment and within a short time is making out with her. She doesn't allow any sex to happen and decides to call it an evening.

He texts her on the way home telling her to be safe. She texts him back. Then he mentions to stop texting because he doesn't want her to get hurt and he'll contact her soon.

A few days pass and since she hasn't heard anything decides to text him, "thanking him for a good night out."  He gets back to her after a few hours with something like you're welcome and how he can not wait until the next time.

Now it's Tuesday and she has not heard back from him. She just "happens" to notice he's on the internet dating site even though he said he doesn't get on there much.

She expects him to be seeing other women..."He's a good-looking guy." but doesn't understand why he would say he isn't on there a lot.

She believes he hasn't called her because just maybe he thought he was going to get lucky and she didn't let it happen.

Maybe he moved on to an easier girl.

Which doesn't make sense to her, she thinks, because why did he bother to make sure she got home okay and mentioning that he'd like to see her again.

He played it perfectly...he didn't waste any time messaging back and forth and get her phone number quickly.  A very smart thing to do.

The only thing she bothered to mention was that he was "good-looking,"  made good eye contact and asked a lot of questions.

In other words she was probably "hot" for him. He made her feel comfortable enough (after only a few messages and one date) to go back up to his place.

Now what about her - she "notices" he's online a few times.

He doesn't immediately get back to her so she starts to wonder if she's being played.

She can not wait for more than a few days before she comes up with any reason to message,

"Oh yeah I forgot to thank you for the date..."

In other words she thought she found a perfectly good excuse to message him - but in reality she was more curious about why he didn't instantly start acting like a boyfriend or some needy dude she'd probably run from anyways.

Instantly she comes to the conclusion it was because she didn't put out!

Maybe he moved on to an easier girl because he was only interested in getting some and she refused to put out.

What kind of game could he possibly be playing?

Let's see and please note the sarcasm - I won't "crawl up her ass" and act like some needy guy. I'll immediately show interest. Be confident by making good eye contact.

I'll find out more about her by asking lots of questions.

I'll show her quickly I'm not interested in a "just friendly" meeting so I'll break the physical barrier almost immediately.

Both parties involved are doing what they should be doing - She's testing the hell out of him hoping and trying to get him to reveal his hand. He's passing them every step.

He's getting to know her slowly and by not letting a few days become something more than it is. Just a few days. He's keeping his options open by "probably" setting up more dates.

He has a good-looking profile, a quick "get her on he phone" system, and nonchalantly mentioning he's not much of an internet dater. Which whether she or any woman ever believes it or not - is out there anyways.

Then she wrote this,

"I definitely agree that I screwed things up by going up to his place. I was naive and didn't want the night to end and didn't bother thinking what my actions were saying. Dannnnng. I know in my gut that since he hasn't called, he's just not that into me. But sometimes a girl just needs to hear it said out loud by someone else. No worries! I won't be contacting him in any form.

Sucks that I'll never know what would've happened had I gone home that night immediately after our date instead. Guess this guy was just meant to be a lesson. Lesson learned! Thanks for the honesty."

No call 48 hours after first date...not interested?!

She relates "him not calling" quick enough to him not being interested - in my opinion... NOT TRUE at all!

The fact is after one date you can not expect any man to suddenly start revolving around your world. And if he does you'll pull back quicker saying how overly needy he is. Even if he's good-looking.

"Trying to figure out where a relationship is going too soon is a surefire way to scare a man away, just like you get scared off by those too-eager guys."

You meet a “great guy”. You “want to know where things are going”… …so that you “don’t waste your time” …on a man “who may not want to commit” ….and has the “potential to hurt you” just like your last boyfriend."

Do You Want to Learn the Secret to Keeping a Man Interested in You?

She NEEDS to hear he likes her or doesn't...

He asked for a kiss, he asked to come back to his place, he said he'd like to see her again sometime...what more does she need to hear?

Then she calls him a lesson. How she won't be contacting him in any form.

I don't believe her.

She'll think about him probably a little too much. Not compulsively but enough. The open non-explained disappearance will without a doubt still make her wonder.

"Why do guys...?" wait to call back after a first date, and why do men have dating rules?

People get busy and most of us run a life that's full of things to do.

If you take the absence personal, like he's doing on purpose just to play a game, them those same players you're trying to avoid - will not only drive you crazy, you'll set yourself for constantly being stuck with a guy like that.

Overly needy men will give you exactly what you want.

They will constantly tell you how interested they are in you. Mostly hoping you'll like him back. He'll worry you're out with some other guy and text and phone you way too much right after you first meet. That is if he really likes you.

And you're not going to feel anything for that type of guy very quickly because of it.

I know what you're thinking - isn't there a middle ground?

Can't I meet a guy who is interested just enough to not let me wait around to figure it out?


Because it's too personal and because of that - it's just best not to take it personally. His middle ground is probably different than yours and until you really get to know him, you're only going to assume what it means based on your perspective.

If you're always busy you assume others are probably busy too and you have no time to even consider it.

If you have lots of time on your hands then you have more time to think about it.

And it will seem longer to you than it does to someone else.

It's a matter of personal perspective.

Does it really mean we're just not interested?

It's not 100% that just because a man does not contact you as quickly as you'd like is not a guarantee he's not interested.

Quality men (and I use that term loosely) are NOT going to come out and say it early on but the signs are always there...

  • He asked for a kiss.
  • He asked you to come back to his place.
  • He said he'd like to see your again.

All signs pointing to his INTEREST.

Never expect a guy to consider a relationship of any kind in one or two weeks - because, and I know you already know this - those are the guys you don't want anyways.

You yourself are displaying signs of neediness which is always an "attraction" killer.

So naturally you would expect him to do the same.

When a guy doesn't call you immediately after a first date - don't take it personal.

Yes some guys who are not interested will fade into the night never to be seen again, some guys are only looking for a quick lay...

But MOST highly sought-out men are dating a few women at once and are only living their lives.

They have no need to immediately contact a woman after just one date.

They have no need to advertise their interest because they know things take time.

They have no urgency to get her as quickly as humanly possible.

What really got me, and probably caused me to write all this, was the mostly lame responses she received telling her he was a player.

How she was being played and should feel grateful she didn't sleep with him.

How it was such a huge mistake to go back to his place only after one night.

Could he be a player - quite possibly yes. But it's just as likely he's not.

The absolute truth about our "dating rules" is -  They are there because some men DO have a need problem. They do need to step back and give women space. Some men don't and thus only follow their lives the best they can without any dating rules.

If she doesn't her back from him at all, for a couple weeks or more, then yes it's almost definite he's not interested in her at all.

If he calls back drunk after that time - then he either just wanted sex and remembered you - or he's feeling bad because he really liked you but got scared.

The best way to tell if a man is truly interested in you:

Tease him a little, have fun with him, offer a little and have him "work" if he wants more.

Be a challenge.

Be his challenge.

And those high quality men will show their interest by paying very close attention to you in every sense of the word.

Do things a certain way (attractive communication) and let them work for you AND if a guy is responding because of that - it's practically a guarantee that he's interested in you.


I've covered a lot in my newsletter and something which came up a while ago were some very profound concepts on all this IS HE INTERESTED?

Read my home page because to absolutely determine if he's interested or not you must know his TYPE first - you can not start from the end and work your way back. His TYPE must come first.

If you don't know his type you can misinterpret every action of lack of action a guys makes as it relates to you.

Get on my newsletter below and I'll soon explain to you three very important areas which will not only help you figure this situation out but ALL of them.

Interest, Attraction, and Intention.

They are different but connected and I can not stress how important it is to know the difference and how they are connected.

Once you're a member of why do guys - leave me a note to REMIND me that you signed up on this page and you want to be shown the differences.

(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )
About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.
32 comments… add one
  • Mona Gh

    Great post

    • Peter White

      Thank you Mona. Every now and then I come up with a good one. 🙂

  • Trish

    Meet a man on dating site, text alittle , then talked on phone. He asked to take me to dinner, i agreed! So before we went in restaurant he hugged me like he just show his bestfriend after 20yrs. We had dinner , walked out of restaurant and he said he really liked me, then kissed me so passionate. We ended the night he went to his home i went to mine. He called me the next day and said he’d been thinking about me all day. Next day we talk, then it has been couple of days nothing!! What did i do wrong? Chemistry was there on both parts.

  • Tam

    Hi Peter, I need your help:)

    I have met a gay trough a dating app and after some chatting he invited me for a tea or drink (he wanted to meet me even he had a hard time at work, he asked for my number and gave mi his to be easier to meet)

    At first I thought he is cute, but wasn’t attracted to him. I decided to accept the invitation because we discovered some mutual intrests while chatting (used to work for the same company, liked the same things..) and he seemed like a normal man.

    It was the first time for me to meet a guy trough dating site so I didn’t want anything to happen at first date.We talked for a while, laughed and I had a very nice time. It seemd he was excited to meet me.He asked me about my job, interests, last relationship, family, even he asked if I would like to have children(I don’t think he wanted to marry me or start a serious relationship on a first date(it’s stupid),but I assume he wanted to know what kind of girl am I ,or sth like that) He is very intelligent and he knew how to gain my attention(he is 35 and almost 8 yrs older than me).We laughed a lot, he also told me that I’m more attractive in person than on photos. He asked if I wanted to meet him again for a dinner. At first I didn’t give a clear answer but when we had left the bar I agreed. He tried to kiss me but we kissed only in a cheek. I wasn’t shy while we were talking but I at the moment wasn’t ready for a kiss. Than he left saying :see you.

    After meeting him in person I have became so attracted to him. I think of him every day, dying to meet him again.
    Few days later I sent him a friend request on our professional network and he accepted me immediately..But he didn’t call..and we met 8days ago:(

    What to do now?

    • Tam

      I meant GUY not gay!:)

    • Peter White

      Hi Tam… Do nothing with your gay guy, I mean straight guy. 🙂

      Seriously, the worse thing you can do is push the situation. Be patient. Remain calm.

      Chances are he’s dating other women and living his life. Give him the opportunity to first prove to you he wasn’t just looking for a hook up and that he’s really interested.

      You have my “permission” to send him a quick text in a few days but nothing more. Send him something like a cute face picture of you with a sly smile and say, “Just working on my photo taking skills. :p”

      That’s all. Nothing more.

      You’ll know soon enough if he’s really interested and if you don’t hear back from him legitimately (a call, a few back and forth real texts, or invitation for a date) within a week, then go ahead and delete his contacts entirely.

      This will give him a little over two weeks to show his real interest in you which is plenty of time.

      Your guy friend,


      • Tam

        Thank you my gey gay friend:)!
        Have a nice day

      • Tam

        Hi Pete,

        It’s me again:) Your advice was very helpful! I have texted him as you told me and he replied immediately. He was a bit surprised by my message and asked me several times when we can meet. I said that we could meet and he replied that he was abroad, busy with work and that he was traveling again, but proposed to meet one day between two business trips. He stayed in the city for 2 days. I didn’t give a clear answer because I didn’t believe he was serious. He texted me late at night to tell me he was back and that he would like to meet me before next business trip, but he was not sure if he would have time. I said that I understand and that we could meet next time, but he said he would try to finish his work because he wanted to see me. He texted me during the day to apologize because he was in the rush with work and not able to meet when we planned, and that he would text me when he came back. But later that night, he messaged me that he had just finished with work and wanted to have a drink with me. I also wanted to see him but refused him several times and in the end, he finally agreed saying he would text me when he was back. And he did it, the same day he arrived he send me a very late night message that he was finally here (I know he didn’t lie about his business trip because I have seen pics. on social media). I shortly replied welcome back and haven’t heard from him for two days. I just said hello today and he just replied hi, how r u?
        The problem is that he is glued to his phone all the time but never replies immediately. We exchange a few messages, but I don’t mind because I hate staring at the phone and prefer to have a phone call or live chat .He usually does it late at night, but never asks naughty questions. I can understand he is busy with work ( we used to work for the same company – so I know how hard it is…) and he’s just come back from a long trip but it was weekend….

        Long story, I hate this but I need help. Meanwhile, I have met several guys but this one has some magic wand which uses to make me think of him again and again.

        How to reply to maintain his attention and make him ask me out again?

        Many regards to my guy friend Pete:)

        • Peter White

          There’s no real trick to keeping a guy’s attention. In fact, the harder you try the more you’ll push him away.

          Focus on your life and not his. The mere fact you realize that he’s always online or checking his phone or reads your response tells me your focus is more on him and not on yourself.

          I like these short articles which should keep you busy and redirect your focus a little.




          Give them all a good read and I’m sure you’ll understand what maintaining a guys attention really should be all about.

          In my world – the man’s world I will tell you this:

          Women who capture my attention and keep it always begin with attraction. I’m feeling it. After, if she’s a little illusive, a great challenge, and our talks or meetings or text chats are short – those are the ones I’m always looking for a little more with – because she makes me work for it just enough.

          Not because it’s on purpose, just because she’s living her life fully AND I haven’t found a way or made my way deeper into her life.

          Stay patient. Keep up your challenge.

          All the best,


          • Tam

            Hi Pete,
            We chatted again,but he CHANGED after a business trip. As I told you, he sent me a very late night message that he came back. I don’t like late night texting so I just welcomed him back, but the next day I send him a message hello owl and he replied after few days. Since then he doesn’t ask to meet me and doesn’t send me late night messages.

            We texted again ( I initiated texting), and when I asked him what he was doing he always gives simple answer good or working.Usually, I was trying to be funny (not my style to chase men and be persuasive) and make texting longer, but somehow he just gave me a short reply about himself, so I tried to switch a conversation to another topic, and I succeed. We talked about the economy, and he was more talkative, but still reserved-not asking me out!
            But why is he replying to my messages?? He is not a child, he is in his late 30 and is not bored.

            Probably he only wanted quick entertainment and that’s why he was so persuasive at the beginning (begging and asknig when we can meet for a dinner, proposing only late night meetings because of work).

            I don’t get it!

            I will be in the city 2 months and I leave, but that he knew from the very first day.
            Think I’m cooling down a bit, but was wondering what is in men head.Do you differ so much from us:)

            Thank you my dear friend Pete

  • Amy

    Hey, so I met this guy on a dating site, after texting a couple of times, he asked me out. Last night we went on our first date, we had a nice time, great conversation, then he asked if he can add me on facebook I said sure. When we said goodbye he never said anything about seeing each other again oranything he just kissed my cheek and said drive safe. So today I haven’t received any texts from him, I’m not sure if I should send him a text saying I had a great time last night or just wait for him to text or call. BTW, today when I checked my online dating page to see if he was online, I got a notification that he checked out my page again… I need help, he seems like a nice guy and I’d like to know him better.

    • Peter White

      Be patient Amy. If he’s truly a nice guy then he’s probably not convinced you like him at all. It’s a common problem with way too many guys.

      If you don’t hear from him after four or five days, send him a text and include something from the conversation you had on your date. Keep it light and funny if you can.

      After that, you’ll have a clearer picture of where he’s at.

      He’s probably feeling you out and is worried some other guy will “snatch” you up and is worried about coming on too strong.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Your guy friend,


  • Erin Rostkowski

    Hello! I went on a date with a guy via Bumble dating app. He drove 30 min from his house to get me and then another 35 to reach our new destination for lunch date. He showed interest and complimented me. He told me he would tell me if he wasnt interested and im trying very hard to believe him. I waited 3 days to text him hey how is your day going? & no answer all day. Hes very good with his phone and answers within minutes. We did not hug or kiss the first time but we did talk about future plans. should I wait another week or two to see if he hits me up? I keep thinking he doesnt want to talk because before the dat he would ask me how my day was going and what else I was doing and now since after the date really nothing.

    • Peter White

      Hello Erin,

      I’m going to have to assume his “phone” skills were different before the date. He was attentive and responsive and then after the date… nothing. In that case – don’t wait at all. His silence, all be it immature, is telling you everything you need to know. Which might have something to do with you or not. I have no way of knowing his side or what he might be doing in the meantime.

      I can however see some things which might be relevant here.

      1. He told you he would tell you if he wasn’t interested. Does that mean you asked him that question? If so, I would avoid asking a question like that on a date because as a guy, we might assume the wrong thing. I would also avoid bringing up any topic like that because it does feel like it’s coming from a lack of security in yourself.

      2. The “dating” rule of waiting three days after in contacting someone is a rule only to be used by very few specific people. People who tend to get or become too needy and desperate early on and are in need of distancing themselves to stop it from happening. It’s NOT a cure, merely a temporary thing. AND it’s used by guys who think that dating it’s a game and women who think they have to play hard to get… and so on.

      In other words that dating rule holds no place for two self-aware and confident people who already have a life or feel somewhat complete as themselves.

      3. I understand you two might have been on the “How was your day?” or “What are you doing?” frame of mind which again, has its place BUT if it’s happening too early, after a date, just before a date, and you two don’t really know each other, it is not the best option if you ever want someone to reply back to you quicker.

      Now that we’ve covered all that stuff… men who don’t contact you quickly after a date AFTER you’ve already made contact or sent a message to, are most likely not interested so why wait at all.

      Hope all that helps you out,


  • Lisa

    Right I am in a real pickle here and I’m not usually the kind of girl to get into such a head space, so here we go

    I’m not really a dater, I’m on all the apps but I rarely meet guys as normally after a few message exchanges I can tell whether or not they ‘get’ my humour (I am unfortunately super sarcastic and dry and however much I try to reign it in I simply can’t so if a guy seems he will be offended I tend to wish him well and not waste his time!) so this particular chap right off the bat kept up with my humour, I went away and got sick so dropped off the radar yet he got in touch despite my silence and we picked the convo back up. Moved to phone, had texts and a call over 2 weeks until we could find a date when we were both free – ideal. Great balance of showing absolute interest without being over bearing which for me is exactly what I need. Not texting every day but when We did text the questions were open and the dialog flowed.

    Date night Saturday. Instant attraction (from my side at least and he looked relatively happy) and the exact same chemistry which we’d had on message, i jumped on the back of his bike and had a quick tour of the city and onto a pub outside of town.

    We discussed everything (including ex’s which I know isn’t ideal but my story I think explains a lot as to why I am so independent and maybe closed off so I feel it’s important to skim he surface if I like a guy to explain but you may tell me I Screwed up on that) he admitted that he felt so relaxed and it was rare that he could just be his total self around a date, and I literally couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. He didn’t react badly when a guy at the bar came over and asked for my number which I liked, and a random girl came over and said to him your girlfriend is so hot my friends and I have a girl crush on her… which is so odd and has never happened before, but as a incredibly good looking man I was happy that he didn’t seem to mind at all and he even encouraged her on which was funny. He suggested we go to drive back into the city and find another bar, so we did and stayed until it closed, eye contact was amazing, his body turned totally to me and not at one point in the evening did he so much as look at another girl, he dropped me back to the station. Here it gets awkward. Well I get awkward as I got nervous.
    As he gets off the bike removes his helmet to say good night I leant in kissed his cheek and quipped ‘this was fun let’s never do it again…’ and then walked out in front of an oncoming bus. (Micdrop) now this is just my humour and I think he ‘gets it’ but I was annoyed at myself for how I left it as it wasn’t the impression I wanted to leave it on and the chemistry had been electric. So I followed up next morning with a message to say thanks for the best bumble date ever 😉 as he knows I’ve not dated anyone from bumble and he replied…. a pleasure. I’m glad to have set the benchmark. I enjoyed your company and had a lot of fun….

    What! Where is the hilarious chatty man I met?! It didn’t even occur to me on that date that there wouldn’t be a date number two. Now either he is just super polite and I read the whole date wrong here, or He thinks I have friend zoned him… please help a girl who is loosing her mind as I have no idea how to ‘play’ this situation now. As my girlfriends have kindly said ‘he is just not into you, take it as a good date and move on’ and I think they may be right!

    Thanks in advance worlds most awkward dater

    • Lisa

      Sorry I should add that I didn’t like the other guy asking for my number.. I liked the way he dealt with it.

      And I did reply to his ‘had fun text’ and have not gotten a reply

    • Interesting story Lisa. Thanks for sharing.

      My way of looking at things like this is not typical so don’t expect it. You’ll see what I mean in a second.

      You were nervous, felt lots of chemistry, AND you seem a too overly concerned about what you might say is scaring men away because of your humor and the other stuff you mentioned.

      HE said it was great that he could be himself on a date or, “he admitted that he felt so relaxed and it was rare that he could just be his total self around a date”.

      The strange thing you might not be aware about men and dating in the early stages – sure they eventually want to feel at ease and all that good stuff – but in the beginning they want to feel exactly what you felt. Nervous energy and lots of chemistry. They want the heated banter. They want to believe, see, and feel that they have to work for you. They desire a CHALLENGE.

      When he sensed you are more attracted to him than he might be to you – the challenge is not completely gone, but it’s missing some important components.

      When you ended the date with “this was fun let’s never do it again” THAT was a real challenge.

      BUT you texted him the next day… just to say what – “Thanks?” You kind of defeated your own challenge and deflated what you built up the night before. Combine that with him being (too much) at ease with you during the date (or more than you) and if he’s a guy who is good with women (type one) you’ll find him a little less interested than he was BEFORE.

      Somewhere in the short frame of time – he went from chasing you to you chasing HIM.

      And that’s just not a good thing.

      I think he IS still interested in you. I don’t believe your girlfriends are right in saying he’s just not into you. He obviously was before. It’s just things got turned around that night.


      You don’t PLAY this situation now. I guarantee when he senses a play – you’ll have him just looking for sex or not even bothering with you at all.

      Just ALLOW him to take some kind of lead and when he does CHALLENGE him a little more the right way AND by just being yourself – a woman who appears to blow off men a little too easily if you know what I mean.

      You can’t let your strong feelings for a man change how you interact with him early on. Just because you’re into that much doesn’t mean you change your whole game plan just for him. In fact it means the exact opposite.

      And if he comes back – which in all likelihood he will – restrain yourself.

      I hate rules in dating but a woman probably should NEVER text a guy the next day after a date just to say thank you. No thanks are needed. He didn’t GIVE you anything to be thankful for that YOU didn’t give to him yourself, right? You BOTH had a good time. You BOTH made the evening. Dating is for TWO people to share and not one to give to another or “show” them a good time. You either have a great time TOGETHER or you don’t OR one is into it and the other is not.

      You can certainly text him at a later point but the “thank you” part has got to go.

      Wishing all the best in all your future pickle situations you find yourself in,


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