Written by Evan Marc Katz creator of Why Men Disappear.
Imagine you had to give a speech in front of a small audience.Now imagine that no one in the crowd is paying attention to you.
They’re murmuring to each other.
They’re looking at their iPhones.
They’re heading for the exits.
They’re not intentionally trying to hurt you – they’re just caught up in what’s most important to them.
How do you feel when you’re in front of a less-than-captive audience?
Insecure. Awkward. Tense. Nervous.
Maybe you make a joke to break the ice, but no one laughs.
Maybe you fill in the silence by speaking quickly, trying to make your point before the crowd completely tunes you out.
Maybe you clam up because you’re paralyzed by the indifference facing you.
Either way, it's REALLY hard to speak to an audience that's not listening.
Believe it or not, THAT’S what it’s like to go out with you.
If your dates consistently don’t go well, the easy thing to do is say, “He wasn’t the right guy”.
However, it’s much more powerful for you to look in the mirror and say, “How could I have made tonight go better?”
This is the central message in his book “Why He Disappeared”: understanding the opposite sex is the key to connecting with the opposite sex.
I can already hear you sigh:
“But I don’t WANT to make my first dates better. If a guy is nervous around me, that says something about him. I want a man who is confident, who is completely comfortable in his own skin, and can make the best of every situation.”
Now imagine a time that you were in the presence of a jaw-droppingly hot guy. He’s tall, gorgeous, rich, charismatic – and utterly oblivious to you as a romantic partner.
Do you feel confident?
Do you feel secure?
Do you speak profusely?
Do you clam up?
Whatever your answer, I’m pretty sure that there are some men whose mere presence totally messes you up.
Suddenly, you’re not acting like yourself.
Suddenly, you’re acting like a skittish schoolgirl with her first crush on a boy.
There are awkward silences. There is nervous laughter. There is stilted conversation.
But most of all, there is no chance for another date.
So if you’ve blown an opportunity with a hot guy because you weren’t able to act at your best, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s a great guy out there who wasn’t on the top of his game on your first date?
Of course there is.
It also stands to reason that if you show up 10 minutes late, text on your cell phone, look over his shoulder, lean back with your arms crossed, don’t seem interested in his stories, interrogate him about his past, grill him on his beliefs, and dissect every single thing that you don’t like about him… that it may be hard for a man to exhibit true confidence and poise in your presence.
Your takeaway from this is:
Instead of seeing dating as a time-consuming, soul-sucking enterprise, where you have to figure out in an hour whether he’s a good husband and father and great in bed, try seeing it more like you’re entertaining a client and want to win his business.
Go with the flow.
Ignore his flaws.
Do everything in your power to make the limited amount of time you have together into a fun experience.
Because if you’re having fun, he’s having fun.
If you’re easygoing and relaxed, he’ll be easygoing and relaxed.
But you can’t blame men for being bad dates if you’re not doing anything in your power to try to make their job easier.
In “Why He Disappeared”, he’s putting on a show for you; the least you can do is applaud.
What you’ll quickly find when you openly appreciate men is that they will suddenly become more confident, playful, and attractive, all because YOU decided to make them feel special.
Dating can be easy and fun again.
All you need to do is understand what makes men tick. If you've ever agonized about why a guy didn’t want to date you, click below to learn more:
Read what Gina had to say. You can have this freedom, too!
"Unmarried and forty four I thought I was doomed to a life of having men walk away without a word for the rest of my life. I am attractive, intelligent and active. I enjoy the world and this one department of my life (namely men) was a frustrating mystery.
I had long-term relationships where the men wouldn't commit. For the past two years I have been in love with a man who was aloof and distant.
Perhaps, I thought to myself, I should be more laid back, less laid back, more witty, less witty, more forward, more direct, AND THEN he will love me.
Ah, then came Evan's tutorial....
I am free. I am happy and realized ways in which I was communicating ineffectively. I since said adios to the man that was aloof and have moved on to other exciting prospects who are calling frequently and following through on their words. Evan showed me ways in which I can actually lay back and enjoy the dating process and actually have men take control of the dating tempo (and boy do they ever!).
Evan showed me that I really didn't want to be with the guy that was making me feel unsure of myself. That was the moment of freedom.
Thanks for showing me it's never too late to learn.
A dating coach for smart, strong, successful women – and one of the better writers in the personal growth space.
He is a real, hands-on coach – he has been listening to women on the phone for three hours a day for over a decade, and he has incredible insight into what makes men tick and relationships succeed.