Written by Evan Marc Katz creator of Why Men Disappear.
You’re on a third date with a guy. He looks you in the eyes, lovingly.
He grabs your hand. He offers up a nervous smile. And he says, in a romantic whisper...
“You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot since we first met last Tuesday. And I feel we’ve got some amazing chemistry that I don’t get very often on my other coffee dates. For that reason, I think that you could be the one for me. So… are you dating anybody else right now? Are you serious about marriage and having kids? Are you interested in spending the holidays with my family? Where is this relationship going?”
These are the kind of words you want to hear eventually from a guy you’ve learned to care about; they are not what you want to hear from a total stranger who doesn’t know anything about you.
In fact, it’s kind of weird for a guy to “just know” that he wants a commitment with you so soon.
Sure, you want to be treated like a princess... but only by a man who really understands you and sees you for who you are inside.
He’s so positive about you that it makes you question his judgment – and lessens your attraction to him instantly.
If it’s obvious that it’s in bad form for a guy to want to discuss a future with you soon after you’ve met, then why isn’t it obvious that the same rule applies to you as well?
Trying to figure out where a relationship is going too soon is a surefire way to scare a man away, just like you get scared off by those too-eager guys.
C’mon... we’ve all been there before.
You meet a “great guy”.
You “want to know where things are going” so that you “don’t waste your time” on a man “who may not want to commit” and has the “potential to hurt you” just like your last boyfriend.
And because of all of these fears, you immediately start tensing up, looking for red flags, trying to get clarity, making sure the other shoe doesn’t drop.
Suddenly, the excitement and passion of new love is replaced by…
- “How come your profile is still up?”
- “I haven’t heard from you all day, is everything okay?”
- “When do you see yourself having kids?”
- “Do you have a good relationship with your exes? Why did you break up?”
- “Let’s talk about ‘us’…”
Your pure intention is to protect yourself from getting hurt.
But what HE sees is an interrogation about his character and your future - from a woman that he’s known for less than a month.
Very quickly, your relationship turns from fun and playful to fearful and intense. And why?
Because you expect him to know after a few weeks that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and that he’s never going to leave you.
Can you see how unfair that is?
Can you see how unrealistic that is?
Commitment is serious, and it’s impossible for a reasonable man with any integrity or life experience to definitively tell you that he’ll love you forever.
That’s why he’s dating you – to figure out over the next few years whether you’re “the one” before he proposes.
Asking – or expecting – your man to make a promise that he can’t keep is essentially asking him to do one of two things:
1. Lie to you – “Yes, I love you and will never even think of another woman!”
2. Leave – because the pressure is too great and it’s not worth his time to put up with someone who makes such unreasonable demands. This is not to say that you shouldn’t expect a ring after 2+ years.
In fact, you should definitely walk away if your relationship isn’t growing and escalating and providing you with the security you desire.
All I’m saying is that if you want to make it to 2+ years, you have to allow him to fall in love with you organically.
You can’t protect yourself from ever being hurt by asking for answers too early.
Just as you would run from the man who wants to marry you right away, we flee from women who want to know the future before we even know it.
So just sit back, enjoy the ride, and realize that the right man will WANT to commit to you by his own volition. You don’t have to DO anything to make it happen.
To learn how to play it cool and get the man you desire to fall for you, check out my eBook:
Know how men think and how you can connect with us during those tenuous first few weeks together.
Within minutes, you’ll have more power and control over your own destiny, and you’ll never again make the same mistakes that push men away.
You Don't Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men.
What happens when you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man?
Well, there's the feeling of chemistry and everything that comes along with it - the obsessive highs that come with wanting to be with him, the joy of feeling incredibly connected, and, what you may forget, the willful blindness that allows you to overlook his flaws.
That's one of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.
Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn't call you, doesn't sleep with you, doesn't compliment you, doesn't make you feel safe, and doesn't commit to you.
But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You've now discovered the real secret to why you're in dead end relationships:
You don't attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.
If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitment phobes, your job isn't to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or flaking.
Your job is to leave.
You'll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING their bad behavior... and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.
Why He Disappeared: A Guide To Understanding Men
Imagine you had to give a speech in front of a small audience.
Now imagine that no one in the crowd is paying attention to you.
They’re murmuring to each other.
They’re looking at their iPhones.
They’re heading for the exits.
They’re not intentionally trying to hurt you – they’re just caught up in what’s most important to them.
How do you feel when you’re in front of a less-than-captive audience?
Maybe you make a joke to break the ice, but no one laughs.
Maybe you fill in the silence by speaking quickly, trying to make your point before the crowd completely tunes you out.
Maybe you clam up because you’re paralyzed by the indifference facing you.
Either way, it's REALLY hard to speak to an audience that's not listening.
Believe it or not, THAT’S what it’s like to go out with you.
I got this from my friend, Evan Marc Katz, the premier dating coach for smart, strong, successful women.
He suggests that if your dates consistently don’t go well, the easy thing to do is say,
“He wasn’t the right guy”.
However, it’s much more powerful for you to look in the mirror and say,
“How could I have made tonight go better?”
This is the central message in his book “Why He Disappeared” ...
Understanding the opposite sex is the key to connecting with the opposite sex.
I can already hear you sigh:
“But I don’t WANT to make my first dates better. If a guy is nervous around me, that says something about him. I want a man who is confident, who is completely comfortable in his own skin, and can make the best of every situation.”
Now imagine a time that you were in the presence of a jaw-droppingly hot guy. He’s tall, gorgeous, rich, charismatic – and utterly oblivious to you as a romantic partner.
- Do you feel confident?
- Do you feel secure?
- Do you speak profusely?
- Do you clam up?
Whatever your answer, I’m pretty sure that there are some men whose mere presence totally messes you up.
Suddenly, you’re not acting like yourself.
Suddenly, you’re acting like a skittish schoolgirl with her first crush on a boy.
There are awkward silences. There is nervous laughter. There is stilted conversation.
But most of all, there is no chance for another date.
So if you’ve blown an opportunity with a hot guy because you weren’t able to act at your best, wouldn’t it stand to reason that there’s a great guy out there who wasn’t on the top of his game on your first date?
Of course there is.
It also stands to reason that if you show up 10 minutes late, text on your cell phone, look over his shoulder, lean back with your arms crossed, don’t seem interested in his stories, interrogate him about his past, grill him on his beliefs, and dissect every single thing that you don’t like about him…
That it may be hard for a man to exhibit true confidence and poise in your presence.
Your takeaway from this post is this:
Instead of seeing dating as a time-consuming, soul-sucking enterprise, where you have to figure out in an hour whether he’s a good husband and father and great in bed, try seeing it more like you’re entertaining a client and want to win his business.
Go with the flow.
Ignore his flaws.
Do everything in your power to make the limited amount of time you have together into a fun experience.
Because if you’re having fun, he’s having fun.
If you’re easygoing and relaxed, he’ll be easygoing and relaxed.
But you can’t blame men for being bad dates if you’re not doing anything in your power to try to make their job easier.
As Evan, wrote in “Why He Disappeared”, he’s putting on a show for you; the least you can do is applaud.
What you’ll quickly find when you openly appreciate men is that they will suddenly become more confident, playful, and attractive, all because YOU decided to make them feel special.
Dating can be easy and fun again. All you need to do is understand what makes men tick.
Read what Gina had to say after reading Evan Marc Katz’s “Why He Disappeared” last month.
You can have this freedom, too!
"Unmarried and forty four I thought I was doomed to a life of having men walk away without a word for the rest of my life. I am attractive, intelligent and active. I enjoy the world and this one department of my life (namely men) was a frustrating mystery.
I had long-term relationships where the men wouldn't commit. For the past two years I have been in love with a man who was aloof and distant.
Perhaps, I thought to myself, I should be more laid back, less laid back, more witty, less witty, more forward, more direct, AND THEN he will love me.
Ah, then came Evan's tutorial....
I am free. I am happy and realized ways in which I was communicating ineffectively. I since said adios to the man that was aloof and have moved on to other exciting prospects who are calling frequently and following through on their words. Evan showed me ways in which I can actually lay back and enjoy the dating process and actually have men take control of the dating tempo (and boy do they ever!).
Evan showed me that I really didn't want to be with the guy that was making me feel unsure of myself. That was the moment of freedom.
Thanks for showing me it's never too late to learn.
Evan Marc Katz
A dating coach for smart, strong, successful women – and one of the better writers in the personal growth space.
He is a real, hands-on coach – he has been listening to women on the phone for three hours a day for over a decade, and he has incredible insight into what makes men tick and relationships succeed.
Why He Disappeared
The Real Reason a Man Will Suddenly “Disappear” from Your Life.
We ALL make mistakes and I'm here to tell you that it's okay.
What is NOT okay is to let it slide and not learn something insightful and helpful from them.
The bad choices or decisions we've made in the past can be great tools for a better future.
Why Men Disappear IS that tool you can start using immediately.
Evan, like me, is also a man...
And we BOTH feel learning from a guy about men is the ONLY way to truly understand men.
Finding The One Online
It’s Time To Stop The Way You’ve Been Dating Previously.
Online dating can be a frustrating experience but it doesn't have to be that way.
FACT: Men outnumber the women online by a lot!
You'll quickly find that once you have the right tools and learn a few skills that Even can and will teach you, how much it can work to your advantage.
From profile writing to writing the first emails, all the way up to the dating process...
Finding The One Online and Evan will be with you the entire way.
Believe In Love
Learn How to Live Freely Without Fear and Sadness.
You're ready for Evan to walk you through the 7 easy, chronological steps that he has used for over a decade to help women like you overcome your fears and frustrations in love:
- Let Go of the Past
- Set Realistic Expectations
- Overcome Negativity
- Defeat Your Fear of Failure
- Reframe Your False Beliefs
- Carry Yourself With Confidence
- Take Action Now
It is no exaggeration to say that “Believe in Love” is the most important book I can share with you because it’s essential to your happiness and long-term well-being.
There is no falling in love if you don’t believe in love itself.
You’ve seen men come and go.
You’ve doubted your own worthiness.
You’ve watched others get happily married.
You’ve questioned your judgment more times than you can count.
You’ve gone to therapy, talked to friends, and listened to dating gurus.
You’ve taken breaks, gotten back out there, and quit once again.
“Believe in Love” is the antidote to all of that – a program, with 17 powerful exercises that will change your tune, boost your confidence, and give you the will to create the safe relationship of your dreams.
Let me know how quickly it gets your confidence back.
It’s time to believe in your own product again. Once you believe, the men you are attracted to will believe as well.
Enjoy Dating, Flirting, and Connecting with Men… And Create Passionate, Unconditional LOVE In 7 EASY steps
Give Evan 5 Minutes a Day and He Will Give You a Husband!
You can have the relationship of your dreams – and you don’t have to change to do it.
This six month to a lifetime course will take you the entire way.
No more wasting your time on the wrong men!
Get ALL of Evan's material in once place with so much more.
Read More Advice Articles From Evan Marc Katz Here at Why Do Guys
Do You Want to Learn the Secret to Keeping a Man Interested in You?