Written by Evan Marc Katz creator of Why Men Disappear.
You’re on a third date with a guy. He looks you in the eyes, lovingly.
He grabs your hand. He offers up a nervous smile. And he says, in a romantic whisper...
“You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot since we first met last Tuesday. And I feel we’ve got some amazing chemistry that I don’t get very often on my other coffee dates. For that reason, I think that you could be the one for me. So… are you dating anybody else right now? Are you serious about marriage and having kids? Are you interested in spending the holidays with my family? Where is this relationship going?”
These are the kind of words you want to hear eventually from a guy you’ve learned to care about; they are not what you want to hear from a total stranger who doesn’t know anything about you.
In fact, it’s kind of weird for a guy to “just know” that he wants a commitment with you so soon.
Sure, you want to be treated like a princess... but only by a man who really understands you and sees you for who you are inside.
He’s so positive about you that it makes you question his judgment – and lessens your attraction to him instantly.
If it’s obvious that it’s in bad form for a guy to want to discuss a future with you soon after you’ve met, then why isn’t it obvious that the same rule applies to you as well?
Trying to figure out where a relationship is going too soon is a surefire way to scare a man away, just like you get scared off by those too-eager guys.
C’mon... we’ve all been there before.
You meet a “great guy”.
You “want to know where things are going” so that you “don’t waste your time” on a man “who may not want to commit” and has the “potential to hurt you” just like your last boyfriend.
And because of all of these fears, you immediately start tensing up, looking for red flags, trying to get clarity, making sure the other shoe doesn’t drop.
Suddenly, the excitement and passion of new love is replaced by…
- “How come your profile is still up?”
- “I haven’t heard from you all day, is everything okay?”
- “When do you see yourself having kids?”
- “Do you have a good relationship with your exes? Why did you break up?”
- “Let’s talk about ‘us’…”
Your pure intention is to protect yourself from getting hurt.
But what HE sees is an interrogation about his character and your future - from a woman that he’s known for less than a month.
Very quickly, your relationship turns from fun and playful to fearful and intense. And why?
Because you expect him to know after a few weeks that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and that he’s never going to leave you.
Can you see how unfair that is?
Can you see how unrealistic that is?
Commitment is serious, and it’s impossible for a reasonable man with any integrity or life experience to definitively tell you that he’ll love you forever.
That’s why he’s dating you – to figure out over the next few years whether you’re “the one” before he proposes.
Asking – or expecting – your man to make a promise that he can’t keep is essentially asking him to do one of two things:
1. Lie to you – “Yes, I love you and will never even think of another woman!”
2. Leave – because the pressure is too great and it’s not worth his time to put up with someone who makes such unreasonable demands. This is not to say that you shouldn’t expect a ring after 2+ years.
In fact, you should definitely walk away if your relationship isn’t growing and escalating and providing you with the security you desire.
All I’m saying is that if you want to make it to 2+ years, you have to allow him to fall in love with you organically.
You can’t protect yourself from ever being hurt by asking for answers too early.
Just as you would run from the man who wants to marry you right away, we flee from women who want to know the future before we even know it.
So just sit back, enjoy the ride, and realize that the right man will WANT to commit to you by his own volition. You don’t have to DO anything to make it happen.
To learn how to play it cool and get the man you desire to fall for you, check out my eBook:
Know how men think and how you can connect with us during those tenuous first few weeks together.
Within minutes, you’ll have more power and control over your own destiny, and you’ll never again make the same mistakes that push men away.
You Don't Attract the Wrong Men. You ACCEPT The Wrong Men.
What happens when you find yourself incredibly attracted to a man?
Well, there's the feeling of chemistry and everything that comes along with it - the obsessive highs that come with wanting to be with him, the joy of feeling incredibly connected, and, what you may forget, the willful blindness that allows you to overlook his flaws.
That's one of the most miraculous things about chemistry: it allows you to focus only on the good and ignore all the bad.
Which is why you can have incredible chemistry and end up in a TERRIBLE relationship, where he doesn't call you, doesn't sleep with you, doesn't compliment you, doesn't make you feel safe, and doesn't commit to you.
But you stick around because of how strong your rare FEELINGS are. You've now discovered the real secret to why you're in dead end relationships:
You don't attract the wrong men, you accept the wrong men.
If you consistently find yourself in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, leeches, or commitment phobes, your job isn't to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, mooching or flaking.
Your job is to leave.
You'll never stop attracting the wrong men, but starting now, you can stop ACCEPTING their bad behavior... and save yourself years of heartbreak and pain.
A dating coach for smart, strong, successful women – and one of the better writers in the personal growth space.
He is a real, hands-on coach – he has been listening to women on the phone for three hours a day for over a decade, and he has incredible insight into what makes men tick and relationships succeed.