Written by Evan Marc Katz creator of Why Men Disappear.
I’ve got a few questions for you about your love life that will show you a completely different way to approach your love life.
Q: How many times in your life have you been in love?
A: Two? Three? Four?
Q: How many of those relationships lasted?
A: If you’re single, the answer is zero.
Q: What percent of men is cute, successful, smart, kind, funny, compatible AND emotionally available for a long-term relationship?
A: According to most women, about .00001%.
Q: What percent of those amazing men also think YOU’RE cute, smart, kind, funny, compatible and emotionally available for a relationship?
A: Not enough, and rarely the right ones.
When you look at all of these things together, without any emotion, you’ll see exactly what I see:
The fact that ANY relationship gets off the ground is remarkable.
To the naked eye, FAILURE is the default setting in dating.
You heard me.
Now, to be clear: I’ve failed a LOT more than you have.
I’ve gone on over 300 dates and committed to probably fifteen “girlfriends” before getting married. Which is why I’m not too fazed by failure.
You shouldn’t be, either.
Given that 99% of men are definitely NOT your future husband, getting upset when this proves to be true is like getting upset that you didn’t win the Powerball.
Yeah, it’s unfortunate that you lost, but it’s also quite predictable.
Which is why I want you to write this down on a Post-It note right now:
“No man is real until he’s your boyfriend.”
A cute photo, a winning profile, flirty emails, an incredible first date, intense chemistry, mind-blowing sex….
NONE of these things mean he’s your boyfriend.
It’s not that you’re “wrong” to get excited about a promising man; it’s that, in 99% of instances, it’s premature and you set yourself up for heartbreak. Your takeaway is to not get too emotionally involved when it comes to a guy with “potential”.
Start getting excited when he’s taken his profile down, called you his girlfriend, met your family, and started making vacation plans for the summer.
The other bit of perspective I’d like to provide is that your last guy’s disappearance shouldn’t be all that disappointing.
Sure, you felt disappointment. It’s hard not to take things like that personally.
Except for two facts: -
- This wasn’t personal.
- You didn’t lose your future husband, so why be disappointed?
Although your guy may have initially pushed for immediate commitment, he ended up having second thoughts.
Reasonable second thoughts, I might add. It may not be popular to say, but if you were seeing a guy, and you drew the conclusion that you didn’t want to spend the next 40 years with him, you’d probably have to reconsider whether you were ready to commit.
Your last boyfriend’s flaking doesn’t mean he’s evil.
It means he leaped before he looked. He shot first and asked questions later. He over-promised and under-delivered.
In short, he screwed up and ended up hurting an innocent woman. No one is at fault. And if no one is at fault, there’s no value in beating yourself up about what she did “wrong”.
The answer is nothing.
There’s no value in getting pissed at your disappearing guy.
He’s like a man who was driving 90 mph on the freeway and missed his exit. He was so enthusiastic that he was oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t really ready to commit to you.
Finally, there’s no value in lamenting what “could have been”.
It’s over. Move along.
The right guy will come along soon enough – and he will certainly not disappear.
But the only way for this to happen is for you to let go of your negativity, to let go of your fear of getting hurt, to let go of your frustration at the men who don’t write to you online, and to embrace the unknown of the dating process.
Put another way: if you quit dating and men entirely, you don’t meet ANYBODY.
If you persevere, another cute guy might waltz in her door next week – and never want to leave.
“Never, never, never quit,” said Winston Churchill, and he’s 100% right.
The only thing you can do when things go wrong in love is to keep going.
And if you need a push in the right direction, I would highly recommend checking out my eBook,
In a matter of minutes, you’ll be able to let go of all of the pain in your past, learn how to choose a better boyfriend in the future, and understand what men are thinking for the rest of your life.
A dating coach for smart, strong, successful women – and one of the better writers in the personal growth space.
He is a real, hands-on coach – he has been listening to women on the phone for three hours a day for over a decade, and he has incredible insight into what makes men tick and relationships succeed.