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Dating Decisions – Is It Good Or Bad To Have Sex Before A Commitment?

in Commitment Issues and Fears, Dating, Sex
Dating – Sex before Commitment

In dating, we all have to think about if we’re going to have sex before we’re in a committed relationship or not. What’s your choice and has it always worked for you? Do you just go with it and see what happens or do you actively avoid having sex when you want it so bad because you believe it’s the best thing to do?

You meet a guy and it “just happens” – right? Maybe you’ve chatted each other up on some dating site, or you knew each other a little from work, or he’s a friend of a friend who seems all too irresistible and nice.

The chemistry is much too hard to resist and you find yourself ignoring that little voice inside your head. You know the one I’m talking about; telling you it’s not good to sleep with a guy so quickly because, based on your past experiences, quick sex doesn’t lead to a longer lasting healthy relationship.

No matter where it happens or how long it lasts (or even how good it was), you fuck…

And now you’re a little scared.

You were not looking for a fling. You were looking for something long-term. Something more than you can get from a one night stand.

Where do you go from here? How do you now bring it up? Will “talking” about a relationship after something like this happens send him running so fast you can barely catch a glimpse of the trail he’s left behind?

Aside from the “what now”…

I‘ve always advocated that if you want or are actively looking for a long-term relationship you might need to delay sex for a negotiable period of time. ( The negotiable part means there’s no set time frame you can predictably rely on and for each of us, it’s different based on who we are, where we are, and where we’ve been.)

But… is waiting for that commitment really the answer to a better relationship?

The sad fact is most men will gladly accept the sex first part and then try to negotiate the terms after it’s done.

However, waiting until after he’s committed to you may not give you the results you were looking for either because any guy can just “tell” you he’s feeling committed and even prove that to you by not sleeping with other women.

All this leads me to believe that yes, it IS advisable to hold off on the sex for a little while because, among other reasons, if you’re not looking for a one night stand or just sex why would you have it or let it happen anyways BUT I’ve also realized that having sex a little too early, maybe earlier than you expected, is not the end OR the entire reason a relationship might not happen.

In other words, having sex too early (or early on) is not the reason the relationship doesn’t happen or fails quickly after it started. It actually has very little to do with it.

It won’t suddenly ruin the chances of something more happening because that something “more” will ALWAYS need something “else” to make it work and if that something “else” isn’t there – having sex on the first, second, third date, waiting for the commitment, (or even marriage for some of you) won’t change a thing.

I’m not going to reveal that “something else” (just yet) because I want YOU to think about what it is or what it means to you. I want YOU to step back and think about YOUR life before I introduce something which may alter your thoughts one way or another.

Here are some things you might consider answering or in the very least thinking about:

  • Do you feel it’s necessary to hold off on the sex part until you’re in a committed relationship with someone?
  • Do you think holding off on the sex part until a commitment is agreed upon will change the outcome of a relationship or that specific relationship?
  • Is a new relationship dependent on having good sex so it’s something you need to find out early on?
  • What is YOUR intuition telling you about the “something else” I mentioned above? In other words, what does that “something else” represent to you?

Before I go, let me say that I’m not implying that having sex before the commitment is essential or required. If you like to hold off I’m all for it. If you don’t like to wait, I’m all for it too.

My point is:

Whether a relationship happens, fails, succeeds, lasts, etc… and all things that could happen (good or bad) , having sex before the commitment has little to do with it the end-result UNLESS, and this is big, you meet a guy who is willing to lie just to get in your pants. Obviously in that case, and maybe a few more it has everything to do with it.


In dating, we ALL have to think about if we’re going to have sex before we’re in a committed relationship or not.

What’s your choice and has it always worked for you?

Do you just go with it and see what happens OR do or you actively avoid having sex when you want it so bad because you believe it’s the best thing to do?

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3 comments… add one
  • Amber Gardner

    I beat down the lust beast (the struggle is real, but it’s been a long time and I have a lot of practice with the help of God) and know that once I have sex it’s going to be very difficult to get my lust back under control. So once I have a guy to have sex with I’m going to need him to stick around, because I don’t want to sleep around and risk std’s, baby daddy’s, heartbreak, obsession, bad name, fatherless children, desperation of any kind. It has to be a man I know is not going to leave and he’ll prove that with marriage, ring and paper. Strings.

    But it’s important to know that you’re marrying a worthy man, too. It’s not just about that ring and paper. His character matters long before marriage enters the picture. His character towards the poor, weak, co-workers, servants, and especially towards women. His faith in Jesus and his love for the truth matters.

  • Sienna

    I don’t agree in holding off on sex if your both feeling and wanting it, then you should go for it. But I know first hand that it can halt a relationship from beginning if a man isn’t ready for what he believes is to come (no pun intended). I think in a man’s mind especially with a woman that this isn’t her norm and is a relationship kinda girl will believe he’s now going to get stuck in a committed relationship right away that he may not be ready for and it freaks em out a little. Now if you took it slow and didn’t go right into sex after the first few dates it can give the relationship time to grow at it’s own pace and see what truly can develop, but after sex it seems like from a mans perspective especially; they believe they are now headed right into relationship mode and unless that’s what they were seeking, it can make a guy bolt (at least temporarily and sometimes permanently). This has happened to me and fortunately for me, he came back after he sorted through his feelings and emotions but that’s not always the case so it’s something especially women have to consider when having sex early. Just something to chew on from a women’s perspective..

    • Peter White

      Thank you Sienna and always happy to hear another’s perspective.

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