You meet a guy and it “just happens” – right? Maybe you’ve chatted each other up on some dating site, or you knew each other a little from work, or he’s a friend of a friend who seems all too irresistible and nice.
The chemistry is much too hard to resist and you find yourself ignoring that little voice inside your head. You know the one I’m talking about; telling you it’s not good to sleep with a guy so quickly because, based on your past experiences, quick sex doesn’t lead to a longer lasting healthy relationship.
No matter where it happens or how long it lasts (or even how good it was), you fuck…
And now you’re a little scared.
You were not looking for a fling. You were looking for something long-term. Something more than you can get from a one night stand.
Where do you go from here? How do you now bring it up? Will “talking” about a relationship after something like this happens send him running so fast you can barely catch a glimpse of the trail he’s left behind?
Aside from the “what now”…
I‘ve always advocated that if you want or are actively looking for a long-term relationship you might need to delay sex for a negotiable period of time. ( The negotiable part means there’s no set time frame you can predictably rely on and for each of us, it’s different based on who we are, where we are, and where we’ve been.)
But… is waiting for that commitment really the answer to a better relationship?
The sad fact is most men will gladly accept the sex first part and then try to negotiate the terms after it’s done.
However, waiting until after he’s committed to you may not give you the results you were looking for either because any guy can just “tell” you he’s feeling committed and even prove that to you by not sleeping with other women.
All this leads me to believe that yes, it IS advisable to hold off on the sex for a little while because, among other reasons, if you’re not looking for a one night stand or just sex why would you have it or let it happen anyways BUT I’ve also realized that having sex a little too early, maybe earlier than you expected, is not the end OR the entire reason a relationship might not happen.
In other words, having sex too early (or early on) is not the reason the relationship doesn’t happen or fails quickly after it started. It actually has very little to do with it.
It won’t suddenly ruin the chances of something more happening because that something “more” will ALWAYS need something “else” to make it work and if that something “else” isn’t there – having sex on the first, second, third date, waiting for the commitment, (or even marriage for some of you) won’t change a thing.
I’m not going to reveal that “something else” (just yet) because I want YOU to think about what it is or what it means to you. I want YOU to step back and think about YOUR life before I introduce something which may alter your thoughts one way or another.
Here are some things you might consider answering or in the very least thinking about:
- Do you feel it’s necessary to hold off on the sex part until you’re in a committed relationship with someone?
- Do you think holding off on the sex part until a commitment is agreed upon will change the outcome of a relationship or that specific relationship?
- Is a new relationship dependent on having good sex so it’s something you need to find out early on?
- What is YOUR intuition telling you about the “something else” I mentioned above? In other words, what does that “something else” represent to you?
Before I go, let me say that I’m not implying that having sex before the commitment is essential or required. If you like to hold off I’m all for it. If you don’t like to wait, I’m all for it too.
My point is:
Whether a relationship happens, fails, succeeds, lasts, etc… and all things that could happen (good or bad) , having sex before the commitment has little to do with it the end-result UNLESS, and this is big, you meet a guy who is willing to lie just to get in your pants. Obviously in that case, and maybe a few more it has everything to do with it.
In dating, we ALL have to think about if we’re going to have sex before we’re in a committed relationship or not.
What’s your choice and has it always worked for you?