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Can Or Should A Man Commit To A Woman He’s Not Physically Attracted To?

in Commitment Issues and Fears, Relationship Answers
Guy Question Commit Without Attraction

Can men actually enter a commitment with a woman without attraction? The simple answer is yes. It can and does happen and men are capable of it. But is it right? Is it something we should be advising for men and women to form better relationships? Absolutely not!

It’s very difficult to speak for all guys when it comes to physical attraction. What I find attractive may vary slightly from another guy.

We can definitely agree on worldly attractive “features” on men and women but who am I to judge a couple who may not appear to attractive to me when they’re so obviously attracted to each other.

Part of me understands it’s subjective. Part of me also understands some are lying to each other and settling for someone they don’t find attractive. They actually fake their way through it all. Let’s hope that’s not the norm.

But another part of my brain also believes that nature has given us a (sort of) template to look for which helps us to propel our species forward and really, when I consider all that is needed to survive, procreate, and function – how much of a role can our physical attributes play with regards to an agreed upon attractiveness?

Does it really matter how attractive we are or not with regards to “survival of the fittest”?

Sure. If we’re in shape and attractive we might have a one-up to pass on those Genes and therefore, seeking out those traits may prove beneficial. Who doesn’t want beautiful strong healthy children?

Sure. When we as men feel emotionally connected towards certain women enough to want to commit and reproduce, her body type will have an impact. Such as child rearing hips, emotional strength, capable of nurturing a child and such; these attributes DO have an instinctual affect on us causing us to be drawn towards them.

Yet, our beautiful (sometimes not so smart) brain gets in the way, doesn’t it?

Given a choice we may be more apt to choose wrong, for the wrong reasons, we may choose physical attractiveness over other things just to satisfy “those” part of our desires. I’m positive lots of people walking around today are products of physical desires and nothing more.

I realized at some point that I am personally a product of two good-looking people who were not able to function together successfully in a relationship. My Mom was hot. My Father was cool and handsome. Together – as a couple they didn’t work out for many reasons despite their attractiveness to each other.

The conclusions I’ve reached in this area is that nature may be more of a “crap shoot” than anything else because our natural brain hasn’t had the time to surpass our physical desires and the social world we’ve built with it is far too young to even itself out. ( But that’s a while other discussion, perhaps. 🙂 )

Okay.

For me, as I’ve been upfront and honest in this area, I MUST be physically attracted to a woman before I search for other things about her. Something you can read in my article: What Does It Really Mean To Only Want To Date Beautiful Women?

In the past where I’ve failed to look deeper I’ve suffered the consequences of my actions through drama, hardship, mental anguish, disparity, and so on. In other words IF and WHEN I’ve let my physical attraction override my common sense and gut intuition it ALWAYS turned out bad. Every freaking time, no doubt.

BUT does that mean I should be searching first for women I’m not attracted to and then “see” if it leads to a commitment or not?

“Men rarely if ever go on a few dates with women they’re not in some way, attracted to or interested in.” Do Men Ever Date Girls More Than Once If They Are Not Attracted To…?

Doubtful because:

Physical attraction and chemistry is something I have absolutely no control over and is something I can NOT create or make happen “after that fact”. It’s either there or it isn’t.

If I’m to wait until AFTER we connect and communicate on another level for the attraction or chemistry to kick in AND since I’ve already stated I can’t create something that just happens – then I’m left with a woman who would probably only make a great friend and nothing more.

Now on the other side – who am I to say that “good” or “great” friends can not make a healthy happy childhood for their offspring. Perhaps they can function better or provide better means for those over those who are like me, a product of sexual desires and the nice thought that there was something more.

Since I do not have proof of that concept I can not disprove it at this point BUT…

Looking at us as humans and what makes us happy and balanced…

Sexual desires and the physical part of connections from kissing, hugging, cuddling, and affirmations that out partner is in many ways is physically attracted to us IS and will ALWAYS be a part of that balanced happy life our bodies and brains needs to feel happy and therefore pass on that happiness to others.

My answer is YES, a man can and probably has committed to a woman he’s not physically attracted to for reasons of his own.

I’m sure it has been done and will continue to happen. After all, there are lots of men and women in this world and given a large set to choose from, probability says it’s going to happen.

Yet I still believe the feeling of attraction must come first and for those men who “look past” it all too often are really only settling. I still believe that couple may be missing something very important to their overall happiness.

Let’s call it the “touch” factor. 😉 Really it’s chemistry and attraction. It’s an instinctual desire that you’ve found a match.

I would NOT want a woman who was not turned on by me to want to commit or “force” herself to commit to me for other reasons alone AND I would not, could not, commit to a woman I’m not physically attracted to.

My belief is YOU should expect the same from YOUR man.

Obviously going from the purely physical or the chemical reactions in our brain to full commitment is not recommended.

There MUST be something more.

We must be able to connect on many other levels.

We must be capable and willing to communicate in such a way which strengthens the relationship and not tear it apart.

However, with regards to a guy committing when he’s not physically attracted to a woman, sure it happens – hopefully less often than not but with that question will always come more questions which in the end might destroy any relationship started without some form of physical attraction as in:

  • Is he settling? Does he believe he’s not good enough?
  • Is his extreme attraction to certain women caused him to override his intuition and ignore the real parts which together make a great relationship? Meaning the guy finds himself searching for women he’s not attracted to just to avoid his painful past , bad decisions or rejection.
  • Do you want a guy to commit to you when he’s not attracted to you?
  • How would that make you feel later on especially if you are physically attracted to him?

In the end, as I see it, a relationship without chemistry or physical attraction, no matter how deep the connection or communication goes already has a name – it’s called a friendship, nothing more.

A man who wants to commit to a woman based solely on that friendship, just because maybe he thinks she’d make a great mother or something like that is NOT something I would wish on any woman because a woman has a healthy balanced “need” to be desired, loved, felt, touched, squeezed, hugged, adored, complimented, and to feel special in his eyes like SHE is the only one for him.

Peter White. Revealing the secret world of men because we’re not all that obvious. 😉 Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thank you for everything.

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2 comments… add one
  • Tiff

    Do you think how you feel about yourself can re-wire your brain to be attracted to people you otherwise would not?

    I’ll tell you a story: There is a guy I feel deeply for. I believe he felt a connection between us too. Ordinarily, I would never think a guy who looks like him (gorgeous Irish guy-exactly my type) would go for me, short and round black girl. So, in spite of my obvious attraction to him, didn’t initially chalk it up to anything other than perfect eye candy and genuine rapport. But, I started noticing (as did others around us without me mentioning anything) that he was actually attracted to me as well. I realized it was not my wishful thinking, he genuinely was and genuinely checked me out and genuinely put all of his focus on me whenever we interacted in groups regardless of who was talking or what they were talking about. There were other things, but the gist is, there was no doubt he was attracted.

    Eventually, in trying to find out more about him to see if he was involved and if I should ask him out, I checked out his Instagram and saw a not-so-ex of his. She was really not the person I would expect him to be with (as I am not the person others would expect him to be with). Like me, she was short and round-I’d say roughly my equivalent-only white.

    Now, I am not necessarily one who determines couples by looks because if there is one thing I’ve learned is that chemistry is chemistry and I just thought that he must really love/have loved her and did not think too much more of it. But I did have a thought or two once or twice that maybe (in-spite of his bravado) he actually has insecurities which make him choose girls like us over girls who would more readily match the type that most others would think he should have. He is in fantastic shape. Works out. Tall. He is gorgeous and could very easily get a thin model-type, but I’m wondering if he is just the kind of guy who goes where his heart goes-physical attributes be damned. Or if he happens to be attracted to cute and chubby girls. Or, if his feelings about himself have psychologically re-wired what he would otherwise feel to be attractive? I don’t know his past and his other exes or who he gawks at on TV. But what are your thoughts? Can a guy’s feelings about himself actually re-wire his senses to the point that he actually views women as attractive who he may not otherwise?

    • Peter White

      How we feel about ourselves can (and will) generally guide us into certain relationships.

      Attraction is something different and although it does change as we age one way or another, or what we find attractive does tend to change over time, attraction just happens.

      Men will find themselves attracted to all types of women and what one finds attractive, another may not. This guy has a type and you might be it.

      Entering relationships definitely has a lot to do with the self-esteem, confidence, experience, maturity, security, etc… and much more.

      How we feel about ourselves may have a small impact on what we find attractive but but has a huge impact on the relationships we enter or avoid and so yes, re-wiring our brain or how we think can have a major influence on the women we seek out for relationships.

      As a guy, my instinctual attraction to women has changed very little despite all I’ve been through. However my “preferences” has changed with regards to which women I would seek out for a relationship.

      One last thing, attraction does grow or develop or even diminish over time when we’re around her long enough.

      Thanks for asking,
      Pete

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