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Can Or Should A Man Commit To A Woman He’s Not Physically Attracted To?

Not Physically Attracted No Commit Emotional Connection

It's very difficult to speak for all guys when it comes to physical attraction. What I find attractive may vary slightly from another guy.

We can ALL definitely agree on worldly attractive "features" on men and women but who am I to judge a couple who may not appear to attractive to me when they're so obviously attracted to each other.

Part of me understands it's subjective. Part of me also understands some are actually lying to each other daily and settling for someone they don't find attractive. They actually fake their way through it all. Let's hope that's not the norm.

But another part of my brain also believes that nature has given us a (sort of) template to look for in another which helps us to propel our species forward and really, when I consider all that is needed to survive, procreate, and function - how much of a role can our physical attributes play with regards to an agreed upon attractiveness?

Does it really matter how attractive we are or not with regards to "survival of the fittest"?

Sure... If we're in shape and attractive we might have a one-up to pass on those Genes and therefore, seeking out those traits may prove beneficial. Who doesn't want beautiful strong healthy children, right?

Sure... When we as men feel emotionally connected towards certain women enough to want to commit and reproduce, her body type will have an impact. Such as child rearing hips, emotional strength, capable of nurturing a child and such; these attributes DO have an instinctual effect on us causing us to be drawn towards them.

Yet, our beautiful (sometimes not so smart) brain gets in the way, doesn't it?

Given a choice we may be more apt to choose wrong, for the wrong reasons, we may choose physical attractiveness over other things just to satisfy "those" part of our desires. I'm positive lots of people walking around today are products of physical desires and nothing more.

I realized at some point that I am personally a product of two good-looking people who were not able to function together successfully in a relationship. My Mom was hot. My Father was cool and handsome. Together - as a couple they didn't work out for many reasons despite their attractiveness to each other.

The conclusions I've reached in this area is that nature may be more of a "crap shoot" than anything else because our natural brain hasn't had the time to surpass our physical desires and the social world we've built with it is far too young to even itself out.

For me, as I've been upfront and honest in this area, I MUST be physically attracted to a woman before I search for other things about her. Something you can read in my article: What Does It Really Mean To Only Want To Date Beautiful Women?

In the past where I've failed to look deeper I've suffered the consequences of my actions through drama, hardship, mental anguish, disparity, and so on.

In other words IF and WHEN I've let my physical attraction override my common sense and gut intuition it ALWAYS turned out bad. Every freaking time, no doubt.

BUT does that necessarily mean I should be searching first for women I'm not attracted to and then "see" if it leads to a commitment or not?

Physical attraction is something I have absolutely no control over and is something I can NOT create or make happen "after that fact". It's either there or it isn't.

Doubtful because:

If I'm to wait until AFTER we connect and communicate on another level for the attraction or chemistry to kick in AND since I've already stated I can't create something that just happens - then I'm left with a woman who would probably only make a great friend and nothing more.

Now on the other side - who am I to say that "good" or "great" friends can not make a healthy happy childhood for their offspring. Perhaps they can function better or provide better means for those over those who are like me, a product of sexual desires and the nice thought that there was something more.

Since I do not have proof of that concept I can not disprove it at this point BUT looking at us as humans and what makes us happy and balanced...

Sexual desires and the physical part of connections from kissing, hugging, cuddling, and affirmations that out partner is in many ways is physically attracted to us IS and will ALWAYS be a part of that balanced happy life our bodies and brains needs to feel happy and therefore pass on that happiness to others.

My answer is YES, a man can and probably has committed to a woman he's not physically attracted to for reasons of his own.

I'm sure it has been done and will continue to happen. After all, there are lots of men and women in this world and given a large set to choose from, probability says it's going to happen.

Yet I still believe the feeling of attraction must come first and for those men who "look past" it all too often are really only settling. I still believe that couple may be missing something very important to their overall happiness.

Let's call it the "touch" factor. Really it's chemistry and attraction. It's an instinctual desire that you've found a match.

I would NOT want a woman who was not turned on by me to want to commit or "force" herself to commit to me for other reasons alone AND I would not, could not, commit to a woman I'm not physically attracted to.

My belief is YOU should expect the same from YOUR man.

Obviously going from the purely physical or the chemical reactions in our brain to full commitment is not recommended.

There MUST be something more.

You must be capable and willing to communicate in such a way which strengthens the relationship and not tear it apart.

However, with regards to a guy committing when he's not physically attracted to a woman, sure it happens - hopefully less often than not but with that question will always come more questions which in the end might destroy any relationship started without some form of physical attraction as in:

  • Is he settling?
  • Does he believe he's not good enough?
  • Is his extreme attraction to certain women caused him to override his intuition and ignore the real parts which together make a great relationship? Meaning the guy finds himself searching for women he's not attracted to just to avoid his painful past , bad decisions or rejection.
  • Do you want a guy to commit to you when he's not attracted to you?
  • How would that make you feel later on especially if you are physically attracted to him?

In the end, as I see it, a relationship without chemistry or physical attraction, no matter how deep the connection or communication goes already has a name - it's called a friendship, nothing more.

A man who wants to commit to a woman based solely on that friendship, just because maybe he thinks she'd make a great mother or something like that is NOT something I would wish on any woman because a woman has a healthy balanced "need" to be desired, loved, felt, touched, squeezed, hugged, adored, complimented, and to feel special in his eyes like SHE is the only one for him.


Since writing this it has come to my attention through deep inner exploration, reliable outside sources, and through lots of new research that a man experiences TWO forms of attraction and BOTH in BEYOND his CONTROL.

One is mostly PHYSICAL as what was covered above.

The other is EMOTIONAL.

Which I believe is great news because with a little physical attraction (which if you ask me IS the easy part) you can create an emotional (trigger like) attraction from a guy just in how you communicate to him.

AND the even greater part is...

The emotional attraction is longer-lasting and better designed to form a greater more stable relationship with a man AND is achieved through an actual REAL SKILL you can learn.

You might not be able to trigger a physical attraction in a guy if you're not physically appealing to him not matter how you do your hair and through what you wear or even how you walk (in other words things that can be changed or altered quite easily) BUT...

You can trigger his emotional attraction because it has nothing to do with how you appear physically to him.

It has EVERYTHING to do with HOW you communicate and CONNECT with a man on a deeper level.

The truth is I have YET to formulate exactly how it works or how you're to achieve it with this skill of attractive communication as it's called. I do have my ideas and concepts, they just haven't been put together in a way that I could fully explain to HOW to make it happen.

However I DO know someone who has and if you're interesting in learning this skill - please don't wait because it's a really cool and life-changing skill to learn:

Natural and Lasting Attraction - Easily Create A Connection That Goes BEYOND Physical Attraction & Sparks A Deep Emotional Bond.

Here are my thoughts I came up with and sent out to my private readers in a newsletter. (I may or may not delete this part later.)

These are very generally only related to a type two guy which is okay because it IS the most common type. If you haven't read my Understanding Men Made Simple - There Are Only Two Types Of Guys - make sure you pick it up below because in the end I show you WHAT you must do to connect with him in a very simple way. It's just not filled with the details the program above has.

What A Man NEEDS to Feel To Fall In Love & Want To Commit To You.

Men are as simple as this:

They FEEL. They THINK. When they feel more, they think more, and the cycle continues. They process their feelings by thinking through them in their own manly way which can learn about the book I just released called The Silent Man.

It’s important to note that as a woman – your process is practically reversed and unless you’re dealing with a feminine man or a man who “acts” like a woman when he’s dealing with women (which is actually quite a few) you can easily misread a guy.

Women (generally) THINK and then FEEL.  The more you “think” about a man, the more you’ll typically become emotionally attached to him and feel more towards him.

I’ll prove that to you one day but for now, let’s not confuse the issues or make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Here it is again:

Men FEEL – as in when they see a woman they’re attracted to which causes them to THINK more and connect more to you inside their emotional brain.

The difference between type one and type two at this stage comes down to a simple matter of ACTION.

Type ONE: The guys who get you…


Type TWO: The guys who don’t get you (or the man’s brain I’ve dissected for you in the last letter) …

FEEL –> THINK –> Sometimes take ACTION but mostly internalize their actions which generates or perpetuates the cycle.

This is a MAJOR difference between the two types. It also affects you directly because if you’re to create an emotional bond with either type, HOW you do it is a little different.

We’ll get more into the action part later so keep opening your emails by hopping on my newsletter below.

Moving on…

In today’s letter I’ll take what he felt and turn it into what he NEEDS to feel and trust by the end – it will not only make sense but is guaranteed to blow your mind when it comes to men.

Seriously, after today – you’ll NEVER look at a type one guy the same way again.

Let’s begin.

He needs to feel like he can not help himself as if you’re a compulsion and something else (typically a deep emotional connection) is driving him towards you.

The same trigger which draws him to you physically by sight must feel exactly the same to him and it mostly will with a type two. (For type ones it's a little different.)

When a man’s attraction is triggered by sight it is beyond his control to feel something – for a man to fall in love or more importantly BELIEVE he’s in love – it must feel like it is also BEYOND HIS CONTROL.

Explains a lot about men and their obsession over certain women, doesn’t it?

He needs to imagine and FEEL what a future together would be like and how great it would be in those moments.

His thought process will predict a shared event in the future. It can be a kiss, a hug, an intimate shared moment, or even a heartfelt glance from you over your shoulder.

He needs to feel a little doubt too. A little unsure. A little uneasy. This doubt is a good thing because it only solidifies that what he’s feeling is REAL.

People often associate negative feelings as being more real than positive ones especially when the negative ones can lead to something positive and beneficial such as falling in love.

No one falls in love with certainty otherwise it would not have been coined FALLING.

As doubt and uneasiness riddle a man’s mind he’s more likely to feel more and connect it to falling in love.

He needs to have his imagination drawn out. He must  feel like when he’s around you he’s more aware, in the moment, and therefore instinctively creative.

His imagination is an integral piece of the puzzle of love a man experiences.

His imagination puts him in a state of mind he can emotionally connect to because where our imagination is generated is not connected to logic or reasoning – it’s directly connected to our HEARTS, our dreams, AND our fantasies too.

He also needs to experience a little confusion. A little less confident (not in himself) but what to do with all these strong emotions and feelings – it makes him feel ALIVE.

A man will NOT fall in love if he knows exactly how to compartmentalize his emotions because that makes it a choice, and love is NOT a choice.

He should be a little concerned he could screw it all up with you but not enough to have him pulling back and retreating to his mind – because then it’s all done.

You see when a man is experiencing all the turbulent emotions and YOU are there with him when he going through it and it’s partly just being around you which is causing it all – he connects it all to YOU, He connects his HEART to YOU.

The less a man is concerned about screwing it up – the LESS he feels about you…. period.

Sure some men will ACT like it’s all good – but inside, they’re a nervous wreck which again perpetuates his cycles and stirs his emotions even more thus eventually equating it to LOVE.

He needs to feel respected by you and thereby – when he feels like he’s disrespecting you he starts to believe you’ll either lose that respect for him or he’ll never get it in the first place.

Having, gaining, or getting respect from a woman is such a major driving force behind a man’s willingness to commit or to stay in love – a guy named  James Bauer wrote a whole book and more on how to use The Respect Principle to get men to commit to a woman.

You can watch the video and read about The Respect Principle Here.

He needs to feel a little guilty when thoughts cross his mind of you being just a body or a prize. These feelings of guilt transfer over to something deeper and he begins to see you as something greater; otherwise there would be no guilt.

A man who plays women for sex might feel guilty about doing it, he might not, BUT if it isn’t transferred over to something deeper (which comes sometimes later) the connection is not made and love is never found or believed to be there.

Think about a player who “falls” in love. He does so because she connects with him in a certain way which is very personal to him and makes him feel BAD for what he’s doing and since it’s connected directly to her – begins to think or feel he’s in love… with HER.

He needs to be reminded of you when you’re not around.

His feeling towards you must transcend time and space. He must (for all intensive purpose) FEEL like you’re always there with him. Not watching him like some stalker but a constant reminder that everything he does or says or participates in will DIRECTLY affect you even though most of the time… it won’t.

For man to feel and believe he’s in love he must begin to feel like everything he does affects you in some way – otherwise the connection is lost or not made.

As a man’s emotions explode and progress forward he must experience MORE as they could just stay in his head or transfer over to someone else closer by…

He needs to feel curious enough to want to know and feel more too. For him to progress from one stage to the next his interest must be driven or engaged just enough AND he must WANT to feel more of it – like he just can get enough of you.

A desire to feel special in your eyes.

Lots of men are generally okay about how women see them but as soon as they start feeling even a tiny amount of attraction towards a woman they becomes instinctively more aware of NEEDING to feel special in your eyes.

This need transfers over to a desire to please you as it’s directly related to his feelings of masculinity.

It’s not complicated – make a guy feel more like a man when he’s around you and he WILL start feeling something for you… guaranteed!

When pleasing you pleases him it becomes directly connected to the same feelings he experiences when he’s truly in LOVE.

A need to want to give something back in exchange for all the emotions he may not even feel privy to or deserving of…

You’ll find lots of men (especially the type two guys) won’t feel deserving of your love and affection. When this happens you’ll find them to be or become more giving as if they feel like they owe you something.

This giving back can be anything from sharing his feelings IF he’s made to feel open and comfortable around you to share them to doing things for you.

The more he gives the more he begins to experience a TRUE CONNECTION to you.

And that connection won’t be in just his mind...

He will FEEL and experience it in his heart.

Every emotion he wades through will cause him to question EVERYTHING and anything about what is happening to him which will lead him to the inevitable conclusion…


Because nothing else feels that way.


As you can see, connecting with a man on an emotional level stirs a lot inside him. I'm positive there's even more going on but we're not going there today.

I'm sure your mouth is a little dropped as you're starting to realize all the stuff that goes on inside a man's mind - as it relates to love - and explains a little on why it's so hard for men to process all these feelings...

Thus all the pulling back, going quiet, and spending way too much time considering everything he's experiencing.

It's eye opening, that's for sure.

For now - take it all in. Read it a couple times.

Think about ALL the different ways you can make all this happen for a man.

I'm sure lots of you are wondering about the HOW to make all this happen - while we may get into it I've got something you will definitely want to look into to make it all happen NATURALLY.

Yes, naturally.

That basically means no games, no tricks, no fancy principles or coy phrases to turn  a man into a loving fool - which trust me you don't want anyways.

It's appropriately called:

Natural and Lasting Attraction - Easily Create A Connection That Goes BEYOND Physical Attraction & Sparks A Deep Emotional Bond.

We'll talk more about it later - promise. It's too good of an offer to not mention a few times.

I'll just say that men experience TWO forms of attraction.

The first is generally physical and was not covered  which is okay, because it's fleeting and unreliable and is NEVER enough to form the connection you've seen a guy make today.

The OTHER is what you've been shown today...

Creating an emotional connection or bond so a man experiences EVERYTHING and more leading to feel AND believe he's in LOVE.

You CAN make it happen.

Christian Carter produced it and go here where you can read all about it.

You can always learn HIS insights on men by signing up to his free newsletter right here Trust I won't be offended.

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(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )

About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.

LIKE or SHARE my Facebook fan page: Why Do Guys…? OR JOIN other women discuss guys – Why Do Guys Facebook Group. Find and follow me on Twitter – Peter White.

This article was posted in Fears Of Commitment – Why Men Are Afraid & Why It’s Hard To Commit, How Men Feel Attraction & How it’s Created – Physically & Emotionally, What Guys Want From Women – Their Likes & What They Look For In You

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5 comments… add one
  • Tiff

    Do you think how you feel about yourself can re-wire your brain to be attracted to people you otherwise would not?

    I’ll tell you a story: There is a guy I feel deeply for. I believe he felt a connection between us too. Ordinarily, I would never think a guy who looks like him (gorgeous Irish guy-exactly my type) would go for me, short and round black girl. So, in spite of my obvious attraction to him, didn’t initially chalk it up to anything other than perfect eye candy and genuine rapport. But, I started noticing (as did others around us without me mentioning anything) that he was actually attracted to me as well. I realized it was not my wishful thinking, he genuinely was and genuinely checked me out and genuinely put all of his focus on me whenever we interacted in groups regardless of who was talking or what they were talking about. There were other things, but the gist is, there was no doubt he was attracted.

    Eventually, in trying to find out more about him to see if he was involved and if I should ask him out, I checked out his Instagram and saw a not-so-ex of his. She was really not the person I would expect him to be with (as I am not the person others would expect him to be with). Like me, she was short and round-I’d say roughly my equivalent-only white.

    Now, I am not necessarily one who determines couples by looks because if there is one thing I’ve learned is that chemistry is chemistry and I just thought that he must really love/have loved her and did not think too much more of it. But I did have a thought or two once or twice that maybe (in-spite of his bravado) he actually has insecurities which make him choose girls like us over girls who would more readily match the type that most others would think he should have. He is in fantastic shape. Works out. Tall. He is gorgeous and could very easily get a thin model-type, but I’m wondering if he is just the kind of guy who goes where his heart goes-physical attributes be damned. Or if he happens to be attracted to cute and chubby girls. Or, if his feelings about himself have psychologically re-wired what he would otherwise feel to be attractive? I don’t know his past and his other exes or who he gawks at on TV. But what are your thoughts? Can a guy’s feelings about himself actually re-wire his senses to the point that he actually views women as attractive who he may not otherwise?

    • Peter White

      How we feel about ourselves can (and will) generally guide us into certain relationships.

      Attraction is something different and although it does change as we age one way or another, or what we find attractive does tend to change over time, attraction just happens.

      Men will find themselves attracted to all types of women and what one finds attractive, another may not. This guy has a type and you might be it.

      Entering relationships definitely has a lot to do with the self-esteem, confidence, experience, maturity, security, etc… and much more.

      How we feel about ourselves may have a small impact on what we find attractive but but has a huge impact on the relationships we enter or avoid and so yes, re-wiring our brain or how we think can have a major influence on the women we seek out for relationships.

      As a guy, my instinctual attraction to women has changed very little despite all I’ve been through. However my “preferences” has changed with regards to which women I would seek out for a relationship.

      One last thing, attraction does grow or develop or even diminish over time when we’re around her long enough.

      Thanks for asking,

  • Clint

    I fell out of the game of attraction so early and so far, I never bothered to figure out what kind of woman I’m attracted to. I ended up not being in any relationships or having any dates, and at 36 I feel like it’s too late to learn. I can’t relate to women my age and can’t imagine any woman I might be attracted to *also* being someone patient or understanding enough not to run for the hills. So I simply attempt(sometimes unsuccessfully) to find meaning in my life in other ways.

    • Peter White

      Sad to hear Clint. Been through it all myself which means things CAN change for you. Keep working on the right things and it will. As you go through the process you’ll start to see just how patient and understanding a woman will be IF she develops feelings for you. You’re on the right track. Just make sure you work on communicating to women in a way which triggers her feelings towards you.

      Thank you for sharing.

      All the best,

  • Eileen


    I’m not attractive at all. I have a lot of issues that I don’t really feel like getting into but in a nutshell I’m not the ideal woman. I’ve only had two relationships, and both relationships were sexually neglectful. We made great companionship. But as the time went on, it did start to hurt my feelings. Because of that, I felt they didn’t love me either. I’m in a relationship now and I’m afraid the same will happen.

    I kind of figured guys do this, they settle and such. Should I just leave the relationship if it becomes sexually neglectful? Should I even bother period? With my last relationships, they always got angry that I kept asking if they really loved me. Shouldn’t you be attracted to someone you love? Don’t men realize this is so mean to do? How can you be okay with lying to yourself and your partner everyday? It makes me so angry and very sad.

    I’m just sick of being settled for. I would rather be single then have some guy thinking he’s so shit that he needs to torture himself with me. It’s not a good feeling. It’s just.. mean.

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