I am just wondering if it’s possible that a guy could be ashamed of liking you?
Like perhaps he likes your personality and sense of humor but wouldn’t pursue you because he is embarrassed about the way you look (either you are overweight, not as appealing as he typically would date, different race/ethnicity, etc).
Do looks always trump everything with guys?
Would they hold back out of fear of what their friends/family might think?
What a great question and one that requires an answer with a certain delicate degree of honesty. It also opens a lot more directions to take so I'll try to get to them all.
My "history" with women and girls led me down the wrong path of knowledge... assuming things which were false and trying to use logic to solve an attraction problem. Works in math and physics. Doesn't work on men and women and their relationships.
I believed they were CHOOSING not to date me and that there were selectively ruling me out for reasons that went beyond attraction, feelings, and an emotional connection.
I was wrong.
I wanted to believe it had to be some "other" reason and your questions above perfectly fits into my old mindset.
She doesn't want to go out with me because she doesn't want to be seen with me. I'd embarrass her in front of her friends because even though we connected deeply - I just wasn't good-looking enough for her.
Her friends with think less of her if she came around with me as her boyfriend. They'd belittle her or make her feel like she was a fool when she could do so much better than my unattractive self.
It's not at all strange or unusual that when it comes to self-esteem, men and women definitely think alike and come to the same conclusions.
Here's the part that's going to blow your mind...
You're absolutely right and I'm sorry, but you're also wrong too.
Let me explain...
I did it myself... sure she (they) were great but since I wasn't that attracted to her, I didn't give her anything more than a VERY casual friendship.
If I couldn't "show" her off - then it wasn't going to happen.
The feeling of being ashamed replaced any and all chance of us being together.
I'd like to say it was my immaturity, how when I got older it changed, well some of it changed but NOT the attraction part.
What I learned and realized through experience is that ATTRACTION is a powerful force very few can resist.
Those women were not rejecting me because of shame or for their own personal hang ups...
I just didn't create or trigger enough of that powerful force (attraction) to override any sense of logic or choice or reasoning that was in her.
Something I learned rather quickly as I began to see just how much a woman will "dismiss" to be with a guy when all her other senses of logic can be so easily overridden.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out when you look at how many men and women enter destructive and toxic relationships and STAY in them for way too long.
Suffice to say - I guess I wasn't a smart enough man.
BUT that wasn't the case.
I was too smart.
The attempt to use logic did me in and being a supposed smart fellow I actually believed I can figure it all out using the same sort of reasoning I used in other subjects.
AND because of this logical reasoning I made another huge mistake.
I projected my attraction triggers onto women - thinking they thought the same way - therefore if she turned me down, the reasons must be the same as I was rejecting women too.
Here's where things get REAL interesting.
We could note the "assumed" differences between men and women.
How men are supposedly only into physical looks and beauty and women are only into a guy's personality.
Which is total bullshit. Sure it has some solid grounds but in real life, it just doesn't work that way.
Women certainly get turned on and date guys because they were physically attracted to him when they first met.
Men marry or commit for more reasons that how a woman looks. Not many men go THAT far unless their personality is compatible or attractive to them.
The ONLY consistent FACT is ATTRACTION.
Looks don't trump everything but...
ATTRACTION often can and often does just that.
Feelings and emotions come first AND they ALWAYS will when it comes to dating and relationships.
You might now be thinking - Since men are into looks that means a woman's physical beauty can override his sense of good and fair judgement.
Yes, that's true.
The problem or inconsistency with that reasoning is that men are not by far attracted to the same type of look on a woman.
If you're a supposed bigger woman - there's plenty of guys who will feel attracted to you just as there are lots of guys who won't too.
Just because a woman "thinks" she's not attractive does not mean lots of men won't find her highly attractive and sure, lots of guys will agree with her.
Our versions of "physical attractiveness" are quite varied from guy to guy.
What is NOT varied among the normal population (meaning people without severe mental issues related to confidence, esteem, etc..) are FEELINGS.
Emotions and feelings may be experienced at different times and dealt with differently but they do NOT change from person to person, man to man, and woman to woman.
While there are arguments for and against how many emotions we humans have there are not many who will argue that the primary driving force in all of us are emotions.
(I was going to link out to a few supported documents but the sites I found were ad driven Google fluff not worth visiting and I didn't want to waste my time digging through the junk to find the real research. Thought that was my search engines job - guess not.!) Anyways...
Based on my emotional theories, okay, assumptions for now... let's go back and figure a REAL answer for you.
Is it possible that a guy could be ashamed of liking you?
Yes it is because shame is an emotion and feelings do ultimately make the choice for us.
Liking someone (using the term "like" to describe a connection to another's personality where ATTRACTION isn't the driving force) does involve emotions too but for these cases it's simply not enough.
You can easily like someone - just not in THAT way.
Making it all too easy to misread the situation and think a guy is CHOOSING not to proceed with you because of shame.
So - it IS possible BUT getting a real right answer following that kind of logic doesn't always mean it's true.
Will a guy choose not to pursue you (even though he likes your personality and humor) because he is embarrassed about the way you look?
Yes, again - it IS possible, it DOES happen BUT it's well outside the norm and once again, following that kind of logic tends to lead to the wrong answer.
In these cases the most probable reason a man doesn't pursue a woman intimately or sexually (even though he like her personality and humor) is because when you connect with a man in THAT way - you're really just connecting with him as a FRIEND.
Something Rori Raye Convinced me of long ago:
"Impressing him, having a great conversation, him enjoying spending time with you, and while you’re connecting with each other on a few things it’s not enough to create chemistry or to get him to FEEL something more for you than he would a close friend."
I've been in this exact situation many times in my life and as mentioned above, it would always lead to think of many OTHER reasons to explain why a particular woman didn't want to become intimate with me. It made logical sense BUT it was NEVER the case.
As it became obvious later on - it was because I had made a friend and nothing.
No attraction - no chemistry - connecting with his mind - connecting on personality and humor ALWAYS equals FRIENDSHIP and nothing more.
Do looks always trump everything with guys?
Absolutely not BUT...
ATTRACTION can and often does overrule other things.
It doesn't matter HOW you look - it matters how a man is triggered through his perception of how you look to him.
As stated above - a man's attraction to physical beauty varies greatly and it changes as he grows and matures in his life.
Sure there are commonalities and patterns you can find among men. You can find similar things guys are more likely to be physically attracted to BUT it's never enough to say one perfect woman is perfect for all men.
If there is a REAL triggered attraction going on - there's far more likely chance - a BIG one - THAT will overrule his sense of logic and reasoning. He won't be able to talk himself out of liking you.
Would a guy hold back out of fear of what their friends/family might think?
Of course - he could easily decide to go one way or another for something less important than something like family and friends.
FEAR is a major driving force in everyone. Fear can and often does overrule attraction in many cases.
BUT in cases like this - the fear is often not big enough to have its way.
"My friends will think less of me OR my family won't approve of our relationship." is often just an EXCUSE a guy uses when he's not feeling ATTRACTED to a woman enough to disregard what others might think and say OR when he's not fully convinced of what he's actually feeling towards the woman.
Logically - what I've written today makes sense BUT it doesn't get us any close to a real definitive answer, does it?
Because we haven't defined the most important FACTOR and that's exactly why I failed with women for so many years.
What is it for a man? How is it triggered in a man? Is it all physical? Do looks play a more or less predominant factor in creating it?
You can look all you want down the road of logical reasoning - it's because he's embarrassed, it's because his family won't approve, it's because he doesn't like the way I look, it's because you're not his physical type and you will continually find yourself right back where you started because you have failed to define the most important and consistent element:
Most of us agree - humans, which does include ALL males, are highly complex creatures which leads me to believe:
Triggering attraction in a man is never one-dimensional.
It's not about looks or physical beauty alone.
It's not about personality alone.
It's not about choices, selection, or connections alone either.
Attraction for any man or woman is and will always be multidimensional where each part plays its role in triggering it.
To say without a doubt - it's ALL about looks (for a guy) is just plain WRONG.
To say without a doubt - it's ALL about personality (for a woman) is equally as WRONG.
My theories of what truly attracts a man are not yet well-defined. I've been extremely good at helping women to understand men based on my simple approach but the attraction end needs work.
I've written thousands of words or more, I've researched it for many years, AND I've lived as a man close to a half a century and have yet to formulate something exact that I can pass on to you.
The definition of attraction and what triggers it in a man are not clearly written in my head... yet.
My suggestion would be to get on my newsletter below as you'll soon enough get my thoughts on it all as it comes together - sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly - it's hard to say.
Thanks for the great question - hopefully, even though the answer wasn't as direct or as simple as we'd both like - you're still walking away with some valuable and usable information on men AND the situation you're in which prompted you to write me is a lot less confusing now.