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Do Looks Always Trump Everything With Guys?

Do Looks Always Trump Everything With Guys? post image

I am just wondering if it’s possible that a guy could be ashamed of liking you? Like perhaps he likes your personality and sense of humor but wouldn’t pursue you because he is embarrassed about the way you look (either you are overweight, not as appealing as he typically would date, different race/ethnicity, etc). Do looks always trump everything with guys? Would they hold back out of fear of what their friends/family might think?

What a great question and with so many ways to answer this question I don’t know where to begin, but I will try. 🙂 Read on as I sort it all out but I’ve also included a short answer for you at the bottom.

First this must be said, that is EXACTLY why I thought some women were turning ME down before. I just couldn’t believe or want to admit they didn’t have feelings for me. It had to be some other reason!

Lots of guys believe women turn down or refuse to admit their feelings for a guy because SHE is too embarrassed to be seen with him. More appropriately, what would her friends would say about her being with a guy they didn’t approve of. O:

Strange how sometimes men and women think alike when it comes to self-esteem.

Sadly enough, you’re somewhat right but there’s more to it when it comes to guys being ashamed or embarrassed.

Now I like to believe I’m different. In this case being “different” is a bad thing. A knock on my superficiality to a certain extent.

For me, looks do trump everything but only at first. That means I follow a pattern as I have since the very beginning.

First step.

Sight alone – when I see or meet you I’m either physically attracted to you a little or a lot. In other words you do NOT have to be some hot sexy model with a great body. It only takes a few or possibly one physical part that I’m attracted to.

“When you ask guys want they want in a woman you have to look past the normal responses like bigger boobs or delicately shaped firm butts, and you have to study his ever-longing love to be with the least dramatic woman in the world.What Guy Doesn’t Want A Really Cool Girlfriend?

Second step.

The personality – Just because you’re hot doesn’t mean I want to hook up with you short or long-term. Although I will admit sex IS more probable, you know for a one night stand, that is IF I’m that physically attracted to you and not much of anything else.

Truthfully, as I have aged and my “options” have grown beyond my time for them, personality and attitude has played a much greater role in the one night stand area.

More options means being more selective as far as personality goes and that’s true for lots of guys.

Third step.

Long term qualification – Are we compatible? Can I see a future together? How do we get along in some of the areas where being close becomes a daily thing? How do you see or respect me? How do you judge me or how much and does that affect the way you see me?

“It’s clear I have a lot of doubt surrounding her and any future which might ultimately leave me… NOT interested but physically attracted.” Why He Might Be Attracted To You But Not Interested In A Relationship

All things considered, long-term qualification seems to have a greater impact than the rest and there’s way too much to cover all of that today.

You can see from the pattern above there’s no room for shame or embarrassment because if you don’t get past the first step, chances are you’re not going to be pursued by me.

Again, as I have aged I must admit there’s definitely been a HUGE decrease of letting other people’s opinions, including my family and friends, affect me one way or another. I assume that goes for lots of men too.

As we mature respectfully, because some guys NEVER do, we tend to care less about what others think about us and it affects us less.

Remember, what you just read is mainly how I have lived my life.

Yes. I turned down women or didn’t let myself get close to them IF I wasn’t in some way physically attracted to them.

The problem is or the reasons was … Personality, attitude and a sense of humor has never been enough to cause me to feel a deep enough attraction to chase a woman regardless of shame or embarrassment.

They are merely enhancements of something that already exists instinctively and their role determines qualification for something more long-term.

Meaning rarely ever will a guy ignore them just because of how a woman looks although I’m sure it happens. It’s just NOT the norm or average depending on the guy, his options, and his maturity.

“What most of the journals fail to take into account is what I feel the most important part of attracting men which has little to do with how she looks.” Are Guys Really Only Attracted To Looks Or A Sexy Body?

BUT and this is a huge one because this is where way too many women get confused about men and our lack of ability to control what we’re instinctively “physically” attracted to.

What I find attractive, what I see, is different than the guy next to me and so on although there always exists some similar or agreed upon attributes which seem to be universally attractive.

What attracts me is based on my genetic makeup and the specific point I am at in my life. It changes depending on how I feel, where I’ve been, who I’ve been with, and my balance and yes, my health too.

It is also affected by my early childhood including my Mother and Father and the role they played in my life.

Oddly enough it is also based on time, distance, and once again options.

Men who feel like they have less or no options tend to be more open to feeling attracted to a woman who makes them feel in the very least special.

The time and distant part is… if a man feels a little attracted to you and then for one reason or another is separated from you, will tend to have their actual physical attraction raised based on the images in their head and their emotional need to see you again. Something I recently covered in my newsletter.

Men ARE definitely into looks but it’s never the bigger picture of women that they feel attracted to.

“Some of them border on preferences meaning they vary in how they affect certain guys and they can change over time and the experiences a guy goes through.” The Top Ten Things That Guys Are Attracted To

We see pieces, parts, shapes, and for each and every man alive it varies so greatly it’s hard or impossible to determine one definitive definition of attraction. There’s just too many factors.

So yes, some men will refuse to chase or admit an attraction because of shame or embarrassment and as always, it’s dependent on their social status, where they are brought up, AND definitely their maturity.

I’d say their age and maturity tend to play the biggest part. If a guy just wants to fit in he’d be more likely to avoid getting too close to a woman who his friends would not approve of or find attractive.

BUT looks do NOT trump everything with MOST guys because within each of them exists their own definition of beauty and what he finds attractive.

In my long history 🙂 on this world, I’ve noticed beauty to a guy is ever-changing AND he only needs to be attracted just a little to a woman.

It’s what happens after, in what I call the “second stage attraction” that makes him either chase her or not or look for something more long-term or not at all.

And it’s in this “second stage attraction” is where love finds its way.

Your very short answers are: 🙂

    • Is it possible that a guy could be ashamed of liking you?

Yes, but it’s rare and reserved for only certain types of men, social upbringing, and maturity.

    • Can a guy actually be embarrassed by the way you look but still like your personality, just not enough to have him chase you?

Highly doubtful and extremely rare.

    • Do looks always trump everything with guys?

Nope. Definitely not. It happens, yes, but most normal average men will prefer or become more attracted to you long-term in the second stage of attraction.

    • Would a guy hold back out of fear of what their family/friends might think?

With regards to looks that is highly doubtful unless he is still very young AND/OR is considered to be extremely self-conscious.

(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )
About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.
6 comments… add one
  • G

    Hi Pete,

    I’m new to this website and I find it super interesting!
    I recently met a guy at a club (I know it’s a bit cliche) and we exchanged numbers. We started texting and switched over to using Whatsapp as he found it much faster to reply to. We went on a date and I thought we had a great time and we talked about plans for later. We continued to message each other after the date but around the second or third day of messaging, his replies got slower (by hours) and he read my last message two days late. I assumed that he was busy and the last message I sent him would be too awkward to answer for him after two days so I just let it be. He didn’t message me at all these few days but on Whatsapp I could see that he was online a few times. A friend sent me a message on another messaging app and when I opened it, I noticed that he had messaged me on this app as well when we first met. I decided to reply and say I was sorry for seeing this late and asked him if he was busy to grab drinks. He hasn’t read the message but I see that he was on Whatsapp during the time I sent him the message, which means he probably saw what I wrote but dismissed it. Obviously, things could’ve went wrong during the date that I didn’t notice (maybe I told him too many personal things? I don’t know) but I can’t help but feel rejected, not even as a potential relationship, but as a friend. As a potential relationship, maybe it’s possible he didn’t find us compatible because he said I was really cute so I know it wasn’t my looks, which I’m fine with because I understand not everyone thinks the same way. However, I feel a little hurt because it makes me feel like I’m not even worthy to keep as a friend. If he’s not interested, I still want to be friends since I think he was still a pretty cool guy. Should I message him on Whatsapp in a few days? If so, what should I say?


    • Peter White

      Hi G,

      Really… a club. 😉 Hahaha! Hey G, it’s an “option” right. As long as you don’t make it your only option to meeting guys, it’s not cliche. Got it?

      BUT you must remember the club meet is a little different and you’re NOT going to meet many guys friends there, if you go on an actual date with them.

      What if he’s there “picking up” some other girl and you’re there too, makes it very awkward and lots of guys don’t know how to handle that kind of situation specifically if you become friends.

      Also keep in mind, when a guy rejects a woman so quickly, his Ego goes through the roof a little. Some actually believe they’ve crushed you. Like your world will crumble without them. That’s one of the reasons you get the cold shoulder instead of, “Hey it’s been great but it’s just not going to work out.” speech. The other being they would just avoid the whole drama entirely and since it was only a one date, no big deal to break it off so unfairly.

      Try to understand most guys are NOT looking for a friend (who is a girl) from a club. Sure it happens but’s it’s not their goal. It’s exactly the opposite of what they want.

      So, even if you suggest a friendship and you’ve already been rejected, in the back of his head he’s thinking, “Yeah, she still wants me and she’s only trying to keep me around. She’s going to make dating other women awkward. She’ll probably stalk me or become overly dramatic and ruin my chances or worse yet, cock block me.”

      I wouldn’t take it personal. I’m sure you would make a great friend. 🙂

      I also wouldn’t bother messaging him anymore. You’ll come across as I just stated no matter what you say. He’s going to believe what he wants anyways and now you know it has nothing with not wanting to be your friend, it’s just not what he was looking for in that place.

      My only suggestion would be to keep ALL your options open, date outside AND inside the club. If he sees you with another guy there, it can only help. Over time a friendship will become possible and happen more naturally because he’ll realize you didn’t take it personal and you’re not harboring any deep seated love for him. How you’re cool enough and how you’re not going to make it difficult for him to find what he’s looking for. No matter what that is.

      Hope that helps you out and you’re welcome,


  • Tiffany

    Hi. I was the one who originally asked the question. Thanks so much for your response! Sorry it took me a while to make my way back here.

    As a follow-up, this question came up because there is someone I work with. I noticed sparks when we first met on a team project (which we are still in the midst of). I noticed he was gorgeous, but (surprise, surprise) I also noticed that he kept looking at me and looking away when I caught him. Then I noticed him staring at me and not bothering to look away, but choosing to hold my gaze when I caught him. Then he began joking with me, remembering old stories I would tell (to other team members) and bringing them back up in conversation or in new “jokes”. He laughs at my jokes. He teases me. Then he began telling me about his other work (he has other jobs and frequently goes through training courses to keep his credentials up). One of the early days when we really hadn’t spoken to each other yet, after our meeting, I was standing with a couple of people on our team laughing and joking. A team member jokingly said they were “afraid of me” to which I pretended to be hurt. Then, out of nowhere, “the guy” came straight up to me and said in front of everyone, “I know there is another side to you and believe me I can handle it because my family is just like that”. It threw me and caught me off-guard because he wasn’t really a part of the conversation and it kind of came out of left field. It made me realize that what I thought I noticed was right, that he was just observing me and taking his queues indirectly from that. All of this made me think he could possibly be interested in me.

    But the doubts are ever-present. Looking at what’s NOT there. He never asks me questions about myself. I get the feeling he waits to pick up on things in conversation that I will let out rather than come out and ask me directly. I called his cell for something work related once and he seemed so caught off guard that it was just a really awkward conversation. Mind you, he GAVE me his cell number to be able to reach him when not at his desk. Couldn’t figure out if he was just thrown off by this or if he was just really bothered/uninterested. Never called his cell again. Since then, I saw him being more talkative, more of a jokester. Are there guys who are more quiet, slow and calculating in their interest? I always read advice about “if a guy likes you, you’ll know it”, but I assume not EVERY guy is that overt. Right?

    I get from him his work is very important to him. He seems very “proper” when it comes to that and his lack of doing anything could very well be not wanting to go there with someone he works closely with. I respect that.

    Do you have any insight into how a male coworker might act towards you? Because it’s work, the rules and signs are slightly different than they would be trying to pick someone up in a bar/club or in a supermarket, correct? Are there any different things I should pay attention to?

    • Peter White

      Hi Tiffany. You’re welcome. What took you so long… 🙂

      I read your follow up and believe it or not, the first thing that came to mind was, “Hmmm isn’t she just asking me if this guy likes or not?” Are you looking for signs a guy at work would be interested in you?

      First, yeah there’s always a first, why worry if someone is interested in you? Too many people get caught up trying to read other people they forget the most important part of attracting other people is the signals you give THEM. Think about it, he’s giving you feelings that he might be interested by listening to your conversations, defending you, remembering things about you, laughing at your jokes, teasing you, etc…

      All signs you would normally assume is a gesture of interest but instead of giving them back or showing him a little that you “might” be interested, you step back and try to figure it all out. Perhaps to keep you safe. Perhaps to not overstep your work ethics. Perhaps to protect yourself from being rejected.

      Yes, they are reasonable at work because opening up at work could cause lots of problems. I understand that entirely.

      There’s a few women I want more with at work myself but due to certain things refrain from doing something more BUT the difference is, I spend less time worrying about whether or not they’re interested in me, and much more time engaging them in a way which creates attraction.

      So my first suggestion is to always… focus on creating attractive moments and less time worrying if someone is interested or not AND you might find it much more satisfying and far less frustrating.

      Second, YES! Not all guys are that obvious. There are way too many variables. Too much going on between the guy who gets women and the guy who doesn’t. Just another reason to focus on creating attraction more than reading attraction.

      Third. What us guys do… We show interest. We have attraction. We have a choice to make on how to act on those. We have just being friendly and we have friendly with sexual overtones which gravitate towards getting to know someone just long enough to gain the courage to ask them out (for real).

      Normally at work it’s hard to determine whether someone is just being friendly or themselves or if they are interested in breaking through the work barrier and wanting more. That’s because at work we’re more likely to make friends because it makes work, well easier, right?

      Again, just another reason to focus on creation rather than determining attraction. 🙂

      Let me tell you something about us guys especially at work…

      It makes no difference to out attraction. We’ll feel it one way or another. We might even have interest beyond that. However acting on those two things is what is really important. I don’t ask women out at work because we work together and it might get awkward.

      Chances are, if a man is not progressing and it still feels like he’s “into” then the stumbling block is either work related OR he’s waiting for YOU to make in painfully obvious that you’re willing to do something more. And I do mean so obvious ANY guy would understand. You might not want to go that route though, that’s up to you.

      Yes. Work “rules” are different but the rules of attraction don’t change.

      If YOU want something to happen, focus on creating the attraction first, make it clear to him you’re open to more, approach him no differently and then, you’ll be more likely to have him progress, if work’s not a problem, or declare that since it’s a work thing, it’s nothing more than just enjoying each other’s company.

      You want to know how I act differently around the women at work I’m attracted to…? I don’t. There’s one. She’s cool and fun and we play but I’m not that attracted to her so I don’t focus on creation with her, I just with it, the others, my aim is clear… creating attraction in any way possible.

      Yep. Long comment. 🙂

      Hopefully it will steer you in the right direction.

      All the best,


      • Tiffany

        Thanks, Pete. I suppose it all boils down to my flirtation style. I can lay it on kind of thick and unless I make a concerted effort to curb it, I start to worry it’s too much. If I do curb it, I feel it’s not enough and that I’m just being “friendly” as I would with anyone else and I fear he’ll see it as “that’s just my personality”. Unsure how much gray area I project. I have tried to create those “moments” you speak of, and we’ve had them, but other times it’s nothing. So, I think I’ll just keep being friendly me, not flirtatious me, and let happen what will.

        Thanks a lot!

  • Diana

    “There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.”
    ― Steve Maraboli
    Oddly enough it does not seem to be looks that are paramount to guys as much as it is a healthy self-esteem. A woman with a healthy view of her own looks, who portrays that in her ability to interact with others, is the woman who attracts the most attention in a crowded room. She flirts with ease and ability, never too much and never to little. You can never attract another to yourself until you see yourself as attractive. Personally I see this as being true for both genders and in most circumstances.

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