Hi Peter ~ I have been flirting with this guy mostly via text for about a week or so. At first, he would text me sweet things (“How is your dad” since he’s not well) and I would text back sweet things. He did this for a couple of hours a day for the first few days and then say he was going to bed, (…) I know better than to text him all the time and would wait for his contact. I know he likes me or did. The last two nights of this ordeal he text first and I responded but the convo was off to me and odd. So one morning he replied to my late night reply to his text. I sent a response then nothing from him. Nothing the next morning so I sent him a pic I thought would make him laugh in the afternoon. He read it and still nothing. (…) WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I’ve never encountered this before and I’m 41! He’s the same age and very good-looking, never been married, no kids like me, and I’m sure not hurting for women’s attention so what gives? Thanks for your advice! I need a guy’s take on this one. 🙂
Kam, Kam Kam,
Imagine men are like the old “I think I can” Locomotive. They will hop on a track (pulling their life behind them) and remain chugging along until something pushes them off the track, the train stops, or someone or thing gets in there way sometimes forcing them to stop.
The underlying theme is the same — a stranded train is unable to find an engine willing to take it on over difficult terrain to its destination. Only the little blue engine is willing to try and, while repeating the mantra “I think I can, I think I can,” overcomes a seemingly impossible task. – The Little Engine That Could – Wikipedia
They’re also riding along on their merry way – sight-seeing. 😉
My point is they’ll talk a lot for a few days, because they’re on that track. Hit a switch and suddenly they’re focused on work for a few days. And all that can happen regardless of the contact you’re making with him. Meaning you could be the best possible woman for him but when life takes him on a journey – he has to ride it out until he reaches his destination.
To get inside this guys “head” you have to understand his independence is “almost” everything to him AND he’s a sight-seer. He’s never been married. No kids. This tells me a part of him has enjoyed this kind of life for a while.
He’s had lots of time to check out what is going on around him. He feels comfortable and secure. But once in while some woman named “Kam” gets in his way. They make a connection. He’s goes with it.
So what’s the first thing he does – Hops back on the track he knows so well.
One thing I can tell you (and any woman reading this) about figuring out men is you have to ignore what you think he is doing and first consider the man doing it. I believe it’s safe to say most people act from their core character and lifestyle/social upbringing.
It’s easier to understand what’s going on when you think about who he is – independent, never married, no kids, 41 years old, kind, (a little odd?) From there you’ll see what track he’s on AND what might have caused him to, at least in your head) kind of blow you off.
I know from personal experience you probably sent some “red and green flags” up. Those flags will wave high above another track. This means he has the choice to stay where he is, choose your “red flag” or take the path of the “green flag.”
The Red “track” was not necessarily the impatience but the conversation to explain your impatience.
“I know it has only been a week and didn’t want to hound him so I sent him a text saying that I sense something is off with us and I was gonna give him space but I was here to chat”
Perhaps you saw a clear question – opening up a “no games” communication but as a guy this is what we hear, “I’m mad at you! I guess you don’t like me so I’ll stay away. But I like you…”
This type of behavior is also seen as a passive-aggressive move because you’re practically “demanding” an immediate response from him.
And you got one too.
I believe your conversation after supports what I’m saying. On the surface it may have felt playful to you but to him – it was a way to avoid any drama. (especially if he’s really that tired.) He made “light” of the situation by injecting sarcastic humor.
Let’s get real truthful here – I know you hear how ALL men are the same. How underneath you can attract them because they have certain “triggers.”
It’s not complete bullshit but it’s often misleading.
The Locomotive man you’re dealing with here is older, probably very mature, extremely independent, and probably has a firm grasp on what goes inside his mind. My assumption is “single” people have lots of time to develop their personal communication skills. Meaning he’s deeply in touch with himself and who he is.
The “green” flag he is looking for allows him to keep his independence, almost entirely drama free, and clearly a woman who can get real “deep” for a while but won’t be instantly put into girlfriend or “relationship” mode. ( Most men are taught this – keep her just far enough away and she will assume you’re only casually dating. See her more and talk to her more she’s going to be put in “relationship” mode. Obviously each one has its pro and cons depending on our specific goal.)
Likewise when you connect with a guy who gets in relationships quicker, maybe he’s done the married thing already, maybe he has a child or two, maybe he doesn’t feel complete without a girlfriend… That type of Locomotive “Thinks he can” progress almost instantly with a woman he connects with.
So his “green flag” goes up when he doesn’t get a chance to get back to you and your style of communication or flirty behavior is seen as a place to stop and switch tracks. He sees it as a go-ahead to advance even quicker.
I know this from personal experience.
When all I ever wanted was a girlfriend because I didn’t feel complete without one – and when I wasn’t having regular sex (I don’t suggest that 😉 – that was me. Hopping from track to track.
Since then however, I learned to complete myself (of course among other things.)
In order to, as you call “understand” the situation or as I call “attract” a man like me – very little must feel in the slightest bit contrived. Not much is done to illicit a response even if it’s a clear sexual agenda.
Our tracks simply bump into each other for a while and this can go on for months.
When each interaction is done with a certain charm, like we’re picking up where we left off, more intense flirting, the challenge of the little engine in me is fueled by the experiences and in a way – Drives the process of laying a new track down.
My Take on all this “Kam Kam” … your “little engine that could” man is chugging along living his “engineered” life.
He doesn’t want to have to explain himself.
He doesn’t want to talk about the connection especially in the beginning, (where it is, what’s going on…)
He just wants to build something new, exciting, different, and over time the more green flags he sees – the more likely “mister independent” finds him riding along with you.