I was wondering if you could help me. Have a confusing situation with a male coworker. I am very attracted to him, and he has shown a few signs that he might like me but then he ignores me. We have smiled at each other across the room, he always smiles a toothy smile and holds eye contact, speaks to me softly, uses my name all the time, tries to be extra helpful, always lingering around my desk but mainly just talks about work, he does mirror my actions and gestures a lot. Sometimes seems shy and can’t make eye contact. Then all of a sudden he will just ignore me not even say hi, but still linger around me. I’m getting tired of the mixed signals. Is he playing a game with me and am I just an ego boost (again!)
If you want to understand a man’s actions then you must also take notice to how he acts with other men and women.
Guys have a tendency to act a little different around women they are attracted to. Sure some are better at hiding it, and some are “just that good” BUT I have yet to meet many men who don’t act sort of primal (especially if you’re attractive enough to give him an ego boost) while around certain women.
Okay so men don’t typically ignore a woman unless they have nothing to say, don’t know what to say, or are just focused in their own little world. Most men also have no propensity, know-how, or a clue about what “playing a game” would even involve.
The fact is I’d assume NO man is playing a game because:
- If he’s bad at it you’ll know it, trust me on that. You’ll see right through it and
- if he’s that good at it, no amount of thinking about your interaction with him will probably help you figure it out. You’ll only confuse yourself even more.
Which is another good reason to see how he is based on his social personality. That means how he “interacts” with any other living creature. Yes, even animals.
Forget about a man mirroring your actions, forget he seems shy and distant sometimes and other times is so outgoing and into you, forget anything and everything he is talking about, for now at least.
Pay careful attention to who he is as a complete person in his world. He may be distant and shy sometimes because he’s engrossed in thought. Maybe he didn’t get enough sleep.
Maybe one day he woke up after a great night sleep. He feels energized, happy, outgoing, and will definitely smile more.
I’ve found all these signals you (and yes lots of other women too) are looking for are really about you, not him. “Does he like ME?” is about you. “Why does he smile at ME and talk a lot, while other times he ignores ME like he feels nothing?”
Something I teach my guys, I’m sorry a concept I try to drive in their heads over and over and over again because they too get caught up in trying to figure out YOUR signals or games (when so many of you wouldn’t play a man even if your life depended on it) is:
Assume she is into you – unless she gives a definitive action proving otherwise.
Me, right now Cynthia, I actually believe you want me. Not because of what you asked, or how you can give guys Ego boosts 😉 but because the confidence I feel inside won’t let me believe it any other way.
Now you may call me a cocky bastard for it but the truth is I’m not bragging or making a far-fetched claim about my ability to attract. I’m merely living by the frame in my mind which assumes you’re into me unless otherwise you have rejected any form of advancement on my part.
This means if I never advance with you, or give you any reason to reject an offering or invitation from me I will forever consider your attraction to me.
In your situation, or all your interactions with men, I’d suggest you do the same.
Think about this – remember when you were having a bad day and someone tried to talk to you, maybe some guy that came on a little strong so you got abrupt with him, well I bet you were not very receptive to him because you were not in the mood. Not because you hated him. You’ve handled things like this before.
If you were abrupt with me and I did nothing too stupid I would assume you’re having a personal problem which has little to do with me.
If a guy’s not smiling at you one day but on another is – you can assume it probably has little to do with you unless you’ve given him that smile. But then – you would know that wouldn’t you. If you touched his arm and he pulled away shyly then you’d know. If you smiled and he pleasantly smiles back, well then you know you caused it.
Alright – here’s my quick take on your situation and I’m only giving it to you if you consider my advice above from now on! I’ll assume you’ll follow it the best you can, okay? 😀
A part of you believes this man is giving you mixed signals – I see a guy who is uncertain about what to do in a work environment.
Notice or ask him about his relationship with work. ( Does he believe in dating a co-worker or something along those lines? )
Does he linger around other women? Men will often put themselves close to women they are attracted to (kind of hoping) it will lead somewhere. However if he doesn’t know how to lead the interaction further, like taking you out or meeting up after work, then he will probably go very quiet at times and just linger about.
If he’s only doing it with you – then you have the answer you were looking for.
Men (the ones who are unsure about women) will avoid saying “Hi” or talk to you but leave themselves close enough to a woman because they feel – if she starts a conversation with me, that’s the signal I can move on.
You see men are doing the same thing. Looking for YOUR approval. They’re looking for any signal from you that you’re “into” them.
Neither one of you are taking the lead as far as I can see. You’re both looking for a “definitive” answer that you will only get if one of you steps up and progress through to a different social environment.
You may believe it’s his responsibility.
He may be questioning the work situation or if it’s appropriate to ask.
You may be looking for his approval first, before you’re willing to step out and make that social progression happen.
He may be so unsure of himself or your approval that he’s constantly looking for validation in any form whatsoever. ( Being extra helpful, lingering about, waiting for you to talk to him, using your name, holding the eye contact, etc…)
The pattern continues endlessly and is unfortunately unnecessary Cynthia.
Where does all this leave you? Do you make that first move and ask for a meet up? Do you expect if a man can not progress with you properly he’s probably not going to be much of a leader in a relationship anyways? Do you find a way to make it so easy on him he can not resist asking you out?
Do you risk giving him an “ego boost” only to find out he was using you for it?
Again – assume he’s into you. You can always take the ego boost away at a later date if he deserves it.
My advice – If you’re tired of the mixed signals, if you sick of waiting around for him to make his intentions clear, if he’s that unsure of himself and what he has to offer, then I’m going to assume you have every available skill to attract another man who knows your desires and can make them a reality.