Hi, reading these has been somewhat helpful but my situation is slightly different in that I had a very short fling with a guy from work. He was extremely kind,thoughtful and sweet. We talked about future plans even though we were dating only a few short weeks. He then called things off 3 days after we had become intimate the first time. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he was struggling with alcohol problem. We stopped contact although we see each other everyday at work. Every so often though he would text and it became quite regular. I told him I needed space I can’t do the friends thing but he texted again 2 days later while I was in work. This went on for a couple of months. Eventually we were talking over text every day and then suddenly it stopped. I refuse to ask him as he was the one to break things off. I don’t chase.
I’m very confused as his body language at work shows that he is very attracted to me. We laugh and joke together. It is difficult because we don’t want other workers to know what happened. I just want to know. Is he doubting his decision or am I being played? Am I just an ego boost or something to entertain him?
I’m incredibly fond of him but I’m finding this situation very stressful.Please help. Do I just ignore him now?
Hi Alison, Why don’t we jump into the mind of an everyday average guy…
Here is what might be going on in his head throughout your experience:
I don’t go out too much. If I do I’ll end up drinking too much and probably get myself in trouble again. Except now I’m not meeting any women at all. I see them here and there but without alcohol, how are people supposed to hook up.
But there is this one at work. She’s really cool. We talk all the time. Maybe…
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Dating someone from work. Eh who cares… I really need this.
Wow. I actually slept with her. A mistake? Who knows. Some women get so wrapped up in you when you sleep with them. She’ll probably assume we’re in a relationship. This is happening way too quick! I’m not ready for this.
I should break it off with her. I mean I work with her so I’ll have to see her again. What if she tells everyone? This could be bad.
I don’t know any more…
She took the break up pretty good. I guess I can really trust this one. And now I can’t help myself – She was so cool and I blew it. I’m thinking about her again – I think I’ll text her.
Ouch!! She wants space. I did it AGAIN.
I met this really sweet girl, things were going great, and I freaking screw it all up by breaking up with her – Why? Just because I work with her. Maybe it IS the alcohol.
Doesn’t matter… I’ll probably wind up hurting her because of my problem. She’s too nice for that and I do work with her. Is this bad? I need her now.
I haven’t met anyone and here I get to see her practically everyday and I blew it. She wants her space. I’ll give it to her. I guess. I don’t know anymore – there she is again… mmmm she looks good. I remember that day…
Hello again Alison. I’m back. 🙂
Lots of men are drawn to women they work with because the opportunity to meet women is just not there and they don’t look or want to change their situation.
The problem with this is that it adds a new level to any relationship and not many guys know how to deal with that successfully just as lots of women don’t either. You must admit the secrets do pile up on top of the inner personal knowledge you have on each other.
Another thing about guys is the assumption that after we sleep with a woman – she’s going to want a relationship. We assume all or most women expect something more after we become sexually involved. We assume you feel more of an attachment to it while we can easily do it without thinking twice about it.
Whether or not the assumptions men and women make are actually true or not can be left to another discussion. Such as women believing men are better at not letting sex affect them and men believing women will suddenly become attached. Personally I believe both are (mostly) wrong.
What I see here is a guy who was already doubting a work relationship (which obviously means he’s attracted to you and that won’t change any time soon) but found himself falling for you. The intimacy to him probably felt like the right time to make a decision.
He felt like he let things go too far and pulls back by breaking it off with you. He blames himself for screwing it up. He’ll blame his other problems for the root cause of it all. Because if you ask me having a supportive woman with you while you struggle with a personal problem like that is better than being alone.
Since none of that changes his attraction when his guard is down he’ll suddenly start contacting you. When his guard is up or he feels like he’s pushed too hard (causing you ask for space) he’ll fall back to self blame and retreat.
A guy will never keep coming back unless he feels something especially with a woman he’s attracted to, always sees her, and has been intimate with. Those feelings tend to linger even more for men who are struggling with a high impact problem such as Alcohol. Rarely ever does an alcoholic person not affect the people they are closest to. (Another reason for him to become scared after having sex.)
BUT WHAT IF…?
I hate to say it but there are guys out there who do this sort of thing all the time.
They might not do it on purpose although I’m sure deep down they know, but they do things just like this – only to sleep with women once or twice and NEVER want a relationship.
To spot a player like this consider a few things:
- He cleverly finds a way to have YOU publicly talk with other attractive women about your fling. Oh no he would never say a thing or would he? Well he just might IF it helps him sleep with another woman in the office.
- He has a clear history of very short relationships. If you would even consider them relationships. He pretends to hide them but they always seem to pop up. He wants to make sure one way or another you has been pre-selecting by women who may be “hotter” than you.
- He always seems to have a self-deprecating excuses for not wanting or not being in a relationship after sex. It’s the “poor poor me” act. He gains your sympathy. He claims he’s a hurt or broken man because of some “other” woman in his past. This is his “out” clause. It’s not you – it’s him.
- He aligns himself socially with practically everyone but for some reason your intuition tells you he’s not that trustworthy of a person.
(For more on player please read these two: Three Types Of Guys Who Do Play Games – Does That Mean ALL Men Are Playing You? and He Finally Asked Her Out – Signs You Have Met A Player and The Games He Uses On You )
From what I’ve read from you – it does not seem like he’s playing you.
Maybe I see the good before the bad. Maybe I believe playing a woman like this requires a guy to be so scheming and so cleverly evil that most men just can not bring themselves to even try it. Especially with a woman they work with.
Consider the overall points I’ve brought up, pay close attention to his social life in and out of the office, go by your intuition on his trustworthiness and I’m positive you’ll now see clearly what is going on.
I’ve found ignoring someone or a problem NEVER makes it go away but you must make sure you don’t get too wrapped up in what he does or why he’s doing it.
If you do feel, after what I’ve given you, that you were played then by all means step back and be work friendly, nothing more.
But if you do feel that well, he has some issues then it’s okay to play along once in a while with him. I just wouldn’t get too excited because things are going to change anytime too soon for him. Those kind of “demons” just don’t disappear overnight.
Whatever you choose I’m sure with what I’ve shared with you – it will be the right thing to do, for you.
Thanks for writing in Alison. I appreciate you sharing with all of us. If you have any follow ups, you know what to do – please leave them below.
All the best to you.