"Hi, reading these has been somewhat helpful but my situation is slightly different in that I had a very short fling with a guy from work.
He was extremely kind, thoughtful and sweet. We talked about future plans even though we were dating only a few short weeks.
He then called things off 3 days after we had become intimate the first time.
He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he was struggling with alcohol problem. We stopped contact although we see each other everyday at work.
Every so often though he would text and it became quite regular. I told him I needed space I can’t do the friends thing but he texted again 2 days later while I was in work. This went on for a couple of months.
Eventually we were talking over text every day and then suddenly it stopped. I refuse to ask him as he was the one to break things off.
I don’t chase.
I’m very confused as his body language at work shows that he is very attracted to me. We laugh and joke together. It is difficult because we don’t want other workers to know what happened.
I just want to know. Is he doubting his decision or am I being played?
Am I just an ego boost or something to entertain him?
I’m incredibly fond of him but I’m finding this situation very stressful.
Do I just ignore him now?"
Let's start with this first since you mentioned his body language: Attraction is attraction. Regardless of relationships and dating, I seriously doubt he's not attracted to you.
However physical attraction - going out on dates - sleeping with someone doesn't equate or lead to or even imply a guy wants a relationship with a woman.
No need to be confused about his body language - it is simply him reacting to being attracted to you OR it's just the way he is. Since you didn't mention what his "body" was actually doing, I have no way to figure it out exactly if it's him or not. (Meaning type ones generally exhibit strong attractive body language anyways.)
Onto your nest question...
Is he doubting his decision or are you being played?
No, he's not doubting his decision about starting a relationship with you. He'll take more sex if he can get it. He's keeping that door wide open.
That's one big reason why three days after you slept together that he prominently stated he doesn't want a relationship.
I don't care what his "excuse" was. Lots of guys have many excuses but the reality is:
No man in his right mind will ever be ready or want a relationship based on a fling at work.
Add to the fact you work together and I'd say starting or getting into a relationship with you is the last thing on his mind.
He most likely assumed that when you did become intimate you'd want one; most guys think and believe women can't handle casual sex and how they always want something more after - especially after sleeping with a guy from work so quickly.
Which prompted him to bring it up so quickly so you wouldn't get the wrong idea.
On the side: If you ever DO want a relationship with a guy OR not have to listen to another excuse like this - the best advise is ALWAYS to just not to sleep with a guy too quickly.
Something a friend of mine covered in a popular private newsletter I sent out some time ago:
Do I think you're being played?
There's not much me to go on here to give you a definitive answer. Lots of guys will gladly accept intimacy when they never intended or even want something more.
BUT that doesn't mean they're players or intended to play you.
Here are my few articles on players to help you figure out if you've been played or not:
- Defining A Player, The Games He Uses, & Why Most Men Are Not Players
- This Guy A Player? The Game He Might Playing If He’s Just Wants Sex
- Three Types Of Guys Who Do Play Games – Are ALL Men Playing You?
- The ONLY Way To Spot A Real Player and If He’s Using Your Body for Sex
They are general advice and tips so I'll elaborate more on your specific situation.
Based on what you've told me here are some things to look for which could clue you in on if you are or were being played by him:
- You felt coaxed or convinced to sleep with him quicker than you would've liked or normally do.
- He's a type one guy who exhibits or has many bad character traits. In my free Ebook you get for signing up to my newsletter I go over the differences:
"If you remove the “better man” character traits from the list he can still be a type one BUT he won't be a good guy... period.
If you keep the “better man” character traits and remove the interactions
with others from the list – chances are, you'll have a good guy who is a type
two and NOT good with women."
The list in the book has two components: One is a man's character traits, the other is how a man interacts with you or other people in general.
This means when you want to determine if a guy is a player or not, he'll have many of the "interaction traits" minus many of the character traits which defines a type one guy.
You don't have to worry about it if he's a type two because you won't find many, if any at all, who are fully capable and can knowingly play a woman.
So once again - learning his type is extremely important.
Other things to look for:
- He cleverly finds a way to have YOU publicly talk with other attractive women at work about your fling. He might "say" he wants to keep it a secret but is doing things which would cause you to talk about what happened to other "attractive" women you both work with. This is a player's way of sleeping around or at least trying to increase his odds.
- He has a clear history of very short relationships and likes to "pretend" he doesn't want to talk about them. He pretends to "hide" them but they always seem to pop up. He wants to make sure one way or another he has been pre-selected by women who may be "hotter" than you.
- He always seems to have a self-deprecating excuses for not wanting or not being in a relationship after sex. It's the "poor poor me" act. He gains your sympathy. He claims he's a hurt or broken man because of some "other" woman in his past. This is his "out" clause. It's not you - it's him.
It should be clear to you now If you've been played or not.
Look closely at his character flaws, how he interacts with other women at work, his past relationship history, and if he's playing the "poor poor" me routine a little too much.
IF you don't know those things - then I MUST state my best advice is to LEARN those things about any guy BEFORE you ever decide to sleep with one because - you can NEVER be played by a guy if you don't give him what he wants and in most cases, that is SEX.
Sure players have other motives or goals and will use one woman against another, they do have a quest for power but in this case - his character traits will prove his narcissism quickly and easily.
On to your next question...
Were you just an Ego boost or something to entertain him?
It's certainly a strong possibility.
The most efficient way to tell if you're just an Ego boost is to consider these two statements I'm covering in an upcoming post:
If a guy is just simply keeping you on the hook - then you're just an Ego boost.
If a guy is actively doing things with you and for you which proves his attraction, interest, and intention then you're certainly more to him than entertainment.
Since it appears you ARE being kept on the hook it's a good but not guaranteed assumption to say you were or are just an Ego boost.
You must also consider that SEX, wanting it and keeping that option open for lots of men is not always about an Ego boost however it certainly explains the "entertainment" side, right?
Before we go on to your last question this next part MUST be covered because I'm not too quick to judge a guy just because he might have screwed something up or went to a place he probably shouldn't have - sleeping with a co-worker.
Perhaps - he has fallen for you but starting a work relationship with you is something he is not ready for or is not fully convinced he can or should do.
He went with his gut, enjoyed flirting with you and having fun with you and then, since most men will gladly accept sex early on - became intimate with you because he just couldn't help himself.
He then begins to realize what he did and feels he let things go too far so he pulls back by "breaking it off" with you. He blames himself for once again screwing something up and ties it all to his drinking problem. Alcoholics are certainly more prone to doing things like this.
His esteem is now even lower AND has know no alternative or escape plan.
He still has to work with you compounding the problem and making it very difficult to stop himself from once again - texting or contacting you AND wanting to do it again.
In his weak moments (and yes sometimes just plain horny ones) - he gets in touch with you.
When he feels strong or is kept busy or is too plastered, he refrains and keeps his distance.
When he drinks a little - he reaches out for intimacy because he's on a weakened state of mind.
Putting it all together it's a completely viable and very probably series of events.
If you're now convinced you haven't been played and you're not some Ego boost or entertainment, AND you're aware a man can be physically attracted to you but never intend to want a relationship and know this early on for sure:
Then my last explanation will without a doubt be the most plausible and segues nicely into answering your last question...
Should you ignore him?
Yes and no.
I just love saying that.
Sure it's semantics but "ignoring" a guy is never a real answer to a problem.
Ignoring him implies a game, a passive-aggressive stance, and assumes there still might be a future together.
AND ignoring a guy like this will only either push him over the edge (because you work with him and have done things with him) causing him to react negatively with lots of undue drama...
OR will entice him to continue to try sleeping with you as he begins to see you more of a sexual challenge or conquest than a woman who wants to start a relationship with.
I'd say both outcomes are not positive and can be avoided by NOT ignoring him.
The ALTERNATIVE or best advice is because you DO have a choice:
Decide one way or another based on what you've read today if you've been played...
Decide if this is the type of guy you want to get into a relationship with or not...
THEN choose your plan accordingly and be strong, upfront, and honest about it AND stick to your plan.
If you want out - cut off all ties with him. Don't simply ignore him, remove him ENTIRELY from your life. Erase him from your phone and any place else he might be.
If you don't - then don't ignore him - just continue on with the extra knowledge you learned today about him.
MY personal opinion is:
- You two work together.
- You had sex way too quickly.
- You didn't or are not taking the appropriate dating and getting to know each other step - you missed it entirely.
- He's already stated he doesn't want a relationship.
- He has personal demons he's either working through or not.
- He's been erratic, unreliable, and confusing.
- You're both are certainly not in the same place at the same time or one the same page at all.
- You're unaware or unclear about his type and didn't take the time to consider his moral character or traits.
Chalk this one up as a lesson learned and move on quickly to something better and one which will hopefully start off on a more positive note plus move forward in a much better and rewarding direction.
I realize it will be tough because you work together but over time - things will fade and hopefully he will too and eventually get the picture himself.
Keep in mind it takes a long, VERY long time for a guy to move on - they can literally take FOREVER but stay strong and you'll be okay.
Since you were having trouble understand this guy - there's an unfortunate chance the next guy who comes into your will appear just as confusing so make sure you make it a goal of yours to start understanding men better.
First - you'll definitely want to sign up below and read my Ebook on the two types of men - it will definitely change your perspective on men in a way which is simple and easy to understand - remember there are only TWO types.
Second - As I mentioned above... you definitely must gather some real information on a guy BEFORE you sleep with him IF you're looking for a long-term relationship. This is non-negotiable.
It's a great tool to use to figure out a guy and his characteristics as quickly as possible so you can avoid getting trapped into situations like this again.
PLUS it will help you determine your own characteristics and how they match up with other men.
Dr. Randi Gunther of course has a newsletter you can sign up and I included all the links in the credits section.
Thank for you writing. I do hope this has helped you in more ways than just a quick answer. My intention is to leave you with something you can actually use and not just some lame advice you can get anywhere BUT something helpful.
Wishing all the best.