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What Was His Excuse To Not Commit To You? Real Fears or Bullshit?

Fear Commitment Excuse

How many men have used the “Poor Poor Me” excuse to avoid committing to you?

How many men have uttered these words to avoid committing to you,

"My last breakup was tough and I don't want to get hurt again."

He's (sort of) saying that he wants to "commit" to you but it's hard for him because he's afraid of being hurt again.  He's okay with dating for a while but his fears that a woman will stomp on his heart... again, are just too powerful to overcome.

He clearly has trust issues and sometimes, he may even tell you he doesn't trust himself so you shouldn't trust him too.

I call this the "Po... Po... Me!" EXCUSE.

His last breakup or failed relationships was devastating and the last thing he wants is to hurt you because maybe, just maybe, he's either incapable of love, or loves you too much to hurt you.

Tell me if you've heard this excuse before or known guys to use it on other women.

This type of guy used to get to me and still kind of pisses me off. Don't get me wrong I'm NOT into guys, but found myself always into the women this guy would be dangling or "keeping on his hook" and even though I could see clearly what was happening, too many women actually still wanted to wait or make it work with him. Leaving me stranded in the friends zone or having to listen to it.

I'm positive for a few men it's absolutely true. It depends on the length of his past relationship, how it broke up, who she was, and yes his relationship or (lack there of) with his Mother or family. They are restricted by their fears and often live their life accordingly.

Whether or not it's true, they actually believe what they're saying which makes it all too real for them.

But I would say, for the majority of them, it's an EXCUSE.

A wonderfully clever excuse to keep them from ever committing to you and...

An excuse to back out of a relationship.

An excuse to cheat.

An excuse to be emotionally withdrawn.

And not lastly, an excuse to be jealous and not trust himself or you.

Keep your eyes wide open for "Mister Po... Po... Me..." because most of the time, he's full of shit and he actually believes it so much he can be very convincing.

You see for this type of guy, unless he's in touch with himself, MUST believe it or ADMIT he uses women or tell you the truth, that he's just not into as much as he would like to commit to you.

He'll continue to use this excuse as his back up plan. When things get tough, out it comes. When he meets another woman, he'll use it. After a fight or temporary break up he'll use it for make up sex.

He'll also use it to keep you in a state of feeling emotionally bad for him.

That's why it works so well.

I mean who would really want to step past this guy and make it worse for him because that makes YOU a bad person doesn't it? Always be very careful around men who make you feel sorry for them in these situations.

You want the truth?

I've been stepped on, rejected, told some pretty nasty things which were quite personal. I was celibate for years. Friends zoned. Lost women whom I thought were into me for men who would beat them.

A basic loser with women whose heart was broken so many times it felt like the pieces were spread out over miles of hot lava, making it very difficult to find the shattered pieces.

But the reality is...

Lots of really good guys get over heartaches and breakups normally. They move on sooner or later. They accept it for what it is or was and NOT let it stop them from continuing their search for happiness with a woman.

Maybe I'm different but I just can't believe I'm stronger than most men or that I have some secret trick in my brain which keeps me positive and looking forward.

Honestly, I'm NOT a perfect guy and refuse to believe for one minute that I have something any other guy does not possess. Sure I'm a pretty cool guy and handle normal adversity quite well but I refuse to believe that makes me better than other guys with regards to heartaches and breakups.

What that means is... be WARNED.

The "Poor Poor Me" excuse is a real thing and if you get hooked on this type of guy, you might be in for a long journey of maybe's and future talks of a relationship that will never happen.

A man might be afraid to do certain things because there is a real threat of harm. A man might be afraid to do certain things because it takes him out of his comfort level like starting a new career, leaving a failed relationship, moving to something place new, etc...

BUT... a man who avoids a relationship because he's afraid of being hurt is either not really into her, using it as an excuse, not a real man who is mature, ready, and capable of being in a relationship, doesn't like himself much at all, stuck on some lost love, feels like he has not met "the one", and the list goes on where not one of them is the type of guy you want to commit to until he can prove without a doubt otherwise.

Should You Stop Wasting Your Time With Guys Afraid Of Relationships?

Remember this:

The guy who is strong enough to get through his dodgy past in a healthy way will ultimately form a stronger bond AND be more capable of getting through the bad stuff with you to protect and further the relationship.

The guy who continually lives in fear and uses this excuse over you and a possible relationship might forever keep you dangling because, and I hate to say it,  he just might not be into you as much as it feels or as much as he wants with a woman.

REAL men, when they find a woman who does it for them beyond the other women they've been with, despite their past heartaches WILL, within a reasonable amount of time MAKE it happen.

Some men will bow out gracefully and tell you it's not working.

Some men will slowly disappear and eventually remove themselves from your life. Maybe eventually tell you what happened.

Just be careful of the guys who keep you "on the hook" using the "Po Po Me" excuse for not committing to you... right now.

Be warned about men who make you feel bad for them because they just can't move on from their past.

Get yourself far away quickly from men whose fears are from their heart (barring a real rare tragic event) and who claim they can't be trusted or are so afraid of being hurt again - they find it physically impossible to commit to you - but find it all to easy to sleep with you and/or keep you around making it difficult to leave them because you feel sorry for them and are willing to wait.

Lots of men do daring stuff everyday. That same guy above might drive drunk, at top speeds, climb mountains, wear shorts in sub-zero weather, or anything which is more dangerous than committing to a woman but commit to you - yeah well that's a fear they just can't overcome? Right. Sure.

Think hard about ANY reason or circumstance or situation where a guy is not moving forward with you and his excuse for not committing to you; as much as it might hurt - it just might be best to assume  (all things considered like your approach or past history with men because we ALL must admit sometimes it IS us and our choices BUT sometimes it's not - objectify ) - this guy is not committing to you because he does not want to and he's still waiting for his ONE and ONLY to come along OR...

He lives in his "Poor Poor Me" world and is comfortable there. A world he will NEVER leave.

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About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.

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This article was posted in Fears Of Commitment – Why Men Are Afraid & Why It’s Hard To Commit, What Makes A Toxic Man Bad For You – How To Avoid and Spot Them First

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4 comments… add one
  • Laura

    Dear Pete,

    Thank you for this helpful post!

    I was talking about relationships with my 17 year old guy friend. He says he doesn’t feel the need to commit and be in a relationship at 16/17 years old because he “has time to relax and chill and figure himself out”.

    Is that an excuse?

    He said that if a relationship somehow happens, he’ll fully commit to the girl. But he won’t actively go out to find commitment right now.

    Thanks so much,

    • Peter White


      Doesn’t sound like too much of an excuse. His reasons appear reasonable and very smart.

      However, certain men will use that excuse or reason especially if they’re only looking for sex. Some men actually live that way and will accept sex or fooling around as long as you’re giving it.

      You can see it’s hard for me to tell exactly what’s going on in his head. I’m sure you know him better than I do and if you look at his character you’ll get a better idea of how truthful he’s being to you.

      Aside from all that – there’s something you’re forgetting which is the most important… YOU.

      Despite what a man says or how he acts – IF you’re looking for something more and are not getting it within a reasonable amount of time and dating (age of course being considered) then it shouldn’t matter what he says he wants or if he’s telling you one thing to keep you around, IF you’re not getting what YOU want from a guy – there’s your answer… move on. You can do it on good terms and re-connect later on but immediately start looking for men who speak and act like they are looking for a relationship.

      Again, I think it’s healthy and smart for him to figure himself out first and to not go looking for a relationship or start a commitment (just because), especially at his age. Let’s face it, the real and only benefit from relationships at an early age typically just become practice for a later time.

      Thank you,


  • Rachel

    Hello Pete,

    I have a question. Not particularly on the subject of this particular post you have.
    There is a guy that I’ve talked to off and on for several years and we met in culinary school. We have been just texting now. Most of the time we are just sexting. There is definitely an attraction I don’t if it is just one sided. I long time ago I told him I was starting to have feelings for him that honestly were like relationship feelings not just a simple hook up. His response was and I quote “I think about you all the time Rachel”. But nothing more was ever done or said. This has been really confusing to me. He acts like he is in to me and it’s not all sexual but then it’s like when say something about you know having feelings for him he kind of acts like a jerk. I told him a few months ago about my son who I recently just had with someone else and he just like stopped texting but not like abruptly. I texted him goodnight and he responded but he just hasn’t ever reached out to me since then which is unusual. I am not sure what to make of all this obviously I still have those feelings and I am coming to you hoping maybe you can provide me with some answers so maybe I can move on or maybe idk just do something.


    Rachel Staton

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