There’s a collection of women in my head with whom I’ve been intimate with in some way, shape, or form.
Sometimes thinking about one specifically can heighten my emotions. Sometimes not.
There’s a pattern which happens for me which “deems” me a guy. Not necessarily a man but definitely a guy. (If you know what I mean because a guy is just another male but a real man’s definition encapsulates maturity and strength in such a way, not many women can resist.)
I want or don’t want.
Attraction or what I find attractive is “beyond my control”.
Something I (sort of) knew but was explained to me in the very first book I read on how attraction works: Attraction Isn’t A Choice. (Yes, I know I’m not supposed to sell a book for guys to women but if you ask me, if you want to learn about men – read what they read about you. The rest, who don’t understand you or women in general, well they’re all just guessing anyways.)
The discovery of women started very early for me, between the ages of five and seven.
Within a short time I was totally and forever hooked. Although the future wasn’t being thought out, thinking back my “destiny” was certainly set with the opposite sex.
Forever single – forever wanting more – forever not willing to be kept, caught, or made to love someone I had little or no feelings towards.
I’ve always felt too aware of my surroundings.
Too aware of not being capable of feeling attraction to women who I didn’t find “attractive”.
Some will call me superficial. How I only care about a woman’s look or how hot she is.
They will try to make me feel bad for wanting beauty.
“The undeniable fact that when I say she’s the hottest women in the world, when I tell her how much she turns me on, when I let her know what she does to me, how she makes me feel, mind, body, and soul: I mean every word of it. It’s NOT a curse to NOT be capable of lying to a woman just to get laid.”
How there’s more to a woman than her shapely body and adorable face.
It’s obvious to me there is more to a woman than just how she looks. It’s never been the total basis for me wanting a relationship with her.
It was always HER. The whole of who she was and I can not recall at any time did I want a girlfriend who I despised as a woman.
There was never ANY intention to just “fuck” her because that’s all she was worth to me.
Remember I WAS a nice guy.
Manipulative in the “giving” sense.
Always upset and angry that the assholes got laid when I didn’t or couldn’t. How women would flock to the bastards and leave me alone… left to my own (said with the tone of voice of the late great Frank Zappa) “Devices.”
It didn’t help that what I lived with was the biggest asshole of them all – my brother – who never once had a woman problem.
Or did he?
He was essentially the troubled jerk who had his fair share of “hotter” women. Truthfully, he only got a few that I was into and so at least that helped me. Maybe more on that later. Maybe not.
The pattern of my “obsessions” were always the same.
See her. She had a glow about her. Something others couldn’t always see but was obvious to me. She was to be mine!
Attraction HAD to be there but the attraction wasn’t stuck – it grew in the next stages and eventually developed into a longing. Something more concrete than just her “look”.
I would become friends with her… usually. We’d hit it off. We’d click. Well… So I thought.
That was the easy part.
I could befriend ANY woman, any time, any place. They always liked me.
They were even drawn to me revealing facts and privacy that very few men were allowed to hear.
Little did I know that was actually a very bad thing for I’ve learned that sometimes, mostly, when a woman is NOT afraid to reveal the absolute truth of who she is to a guy… it usually means she’s NOT feeling attracted to him.
And that lucky dude was me.
Yet those connections I was making made me feel like I had to be with her and no one else. While she was making what she thought was a cool friend, I was secretly wanting more and the more she gave her open “heart” the deeper I would fall for her.
I became a “friends zone expert”. Still angry and depressed inside because I could NEVER, I mean NEVER be with the one I wanted.
Anything less felt bad.
Bearing something I didn’t feel to a woman I didn’t feel IT for was impossible for me so, while all the “rest” typical jerks and assholes fucked whatever, I abstained.
Still think I’m a bad guy?
Again, my pattern was always the same.
See her. Get to know her. Become friends with her. Nothing would ever happen sexually and I would go about trying to make her love me back be BEING the opposite of the guys she did want and wanted just for sex.
Of course since then I’ve learned a lot.
The reasons I failed were revealed to me in many different ways. I felt I knew part of the answer but it wasn’t enough to help me. It took a fw outside sources of reality, smarter men than me and it’s to those men I will be forever grateful.
That darkened period of my life was more than any guy should have to bear.
AND At the peak of myself I had no woman to share it with which can make you feel sorry for me but don’t because it was in those darkest moments was where I learned the most about myself and the world around me and most importantly….
How to survive alone and still find a way to be and feel happy despite it all.
Just so you know how deep this goes for guys like me, or who I was, these things are NEVER forgotten and even though it may feel this way to some women some of the time or even more…
Women are not just playthings to us because we bend or rise hard to attraction and sex.
We NEVER forget.