The famous “why do guys?” questions can be sometimes explained when a man experiences his first broken heart. This is where his character begins and his relationships with women (or more precisely girls) begin to put down its roots.
For some guys, this first experience will set in motion a pattern he finds incapable of changing or escaping. Not because it is who he is or is destined to become, but because at such an early age he’s not ready to make decisions or perform actions which will make it all better.
His first “girlfriend” may not determine exactly his adulthood or journey into maturity but it does affect him in a way that if we look closely, it can explain his alter actions and the why of it all.
My case is no different and since I know mine so well I’m going to share it with you.
Moving away to a new school and a new town, third grade turned out to be something unique.
Her name was Kris. Curly hair. Light eyes. We actually “almost” hooked up but I was too stupid, shy, and inexperienced. Well it was the third grade. She was “technically” my first girlfriend and of course she left me confused, hurt, and totally devastated.
She is (or was) the one true regret I have with a girl because I totally blew a good thing and she wrecked me publicly for it. A feeling which can not be forgotten and lasted within me for years.
I’m not sure exactly how it started but it’s a typical elementary thing. She likes “like” you. Do you like “like” her? Yes! Cool. Then we’re “going out”. Let’s hold hands on the bus. Woo hoo!
We were sort of boyfriend/girlfriend in this new school and she was beautiful! Honestly I have no idea how I pulled it off. Who knows, maybe it was the “new” kid thing. Maybe she thought I was some sort of bad boy or something. Maybe she dug my “mother” chosen late 70’s leisure attire.
My young tiny mind thought, “What do I do now?” I was absolutely clueless on what it actually meant to be “going out”. She (as I had heard from others) wanted me to kiss her but I was too scared. Missed my moment in her tongue so to speak.
Nothing really happened as I can recall. It was weird. Strange moments which didn’t last because quickly her friend told me she was breaking up with me. Yes, already. The reason was, “because I was too stiff”.
Too stiff means I didn’t, wouldn’t or couldn’t kiss her. Apparently I was a frigid boy incapable of being a man. Well I was in third grade. Fuck! What did she expect? And the fact she told her friends who probably told their friends… and so on.
I was totally devastated. I didn’t know HOW to kiss. I didn’t know WHAT to do. I was deathly afraid of being a bad kisser. “Awwww…” yeah I know. I hear your pity but it’s okay. I’m much better now. 😀 Promise.
Imagine me back then. Short for my age, a terrible overbite, and a huge space between my front two teeth. I could and still can squeeze a straw between my front teeth. I felt kissing her would only reveal my insecurity in this area. It was a huge weakness of mine. Something I might add which was not only revealed and teased to me daily from my wonderful loving and supporting brother. Thanks Dave. 🙂
This was a big deal for me which took me years to get over that and the height issues. I took them both with me into adulthood.
It was clear I had insecurity issues in this area already and the fact I couldn’t perform just made it all too real.
Strange how when life senses these things – you get tested on it immediately.
Do I believe my life with women would’ve turned out differently if I kissed her? Absolutely. How it would’ve been different is beyond me but different, definitely.
You see this was a pattern for me for years to come… Afraid to make the first move on a woman. A fear that I was a terrible kisser. Afraid that I would do something wrong and be branded something less than a man. I told you these things start out early in a man’s life.
Thinking back it wasn’t entirely the kissing part. It was the leading up to the kiss. What to do. How to start it. Should I french kiss her. Should I hug her first. Should I grab her, pull her in, maybe get close and hope something happens.
This failure to act landed me in a lot of friends zones. I must’ve broke a lot of hearts myself because apparently I was a good catch. 🙂
It also meant that if a woman or girl wanted me she would have to make the first move which certainly limits a guy’s prospects because it meant something critical was about to unfold in my early dating life.
The women I wanted, I couldn’t move forward or go for it with them.
The women who wanted me, well they’d have to be extremely aggressive and they were. Several of them were more than happy to pin me down somewhere and “force” their lips on me. Guess I had it coming. 🙂
Except the ones who made the first move on me were not always the ones I wanted. It seemed like I had no choice but to settle.
Sure some of them were pretty cool, attractive, not bad I suppose; but in no way did I have my eyes on them. I was not their admirers at all and I believe as a man, this made a huge impact on where our relationships would go and how long it would last. (Maybe more on that later.)
My broken heart, this first experience, I never forgot it. It was almost like she was telling me I WAS a bad kisser. Unable to perform. Making it impossible for me to make that first move with another woman for years… and I mean years.
Not being capable or willing to kiss a woman first also did a few more things. It meant I had to look for alternative ways to show my attraction and those ways, well hey, never work for a guy. It’s just the classic nice guy “let’s be friends” and eventually, instead of “doing” something about it, I’d tell them how I felt long after and it was always too late. It was a pathetic move if you now ask me.
Besides that it was really a feminine move, wasn’t it? At least that’s how I see it now. A man makes the first move. When a woman does it, it’s sort of masculine. It was clear way too many women would look at me maybe not as a girl, but as a non-sexual person because that was the vibe I put out, right.
A REAL man isn’t afraid to go after what he wants. He’s not afraid of rejection. He “goes for it” despite the anxiety.
My first character was built on that first girlfriend experience and luckily I worked my way through it but I’d say lots of men do not.
Their character may actually be built from the first few experiences with women or girls. All too young and eager to believe those first judgments from them, although far from being real or right, the pain still lasts and so do the belief that they were right.
We’re way too impressionable at that age and if we’re to believe with our truest heart how those women see us is actually who we are, it can take a while for us to get past it all. It can take a lot of “extra” work to see ourselves for who we really are or are capable a being or becoming.
A man’s first “broken heart” experience may not determine exactly why he does the things he does. It may not answer every “why do guys” question you might have, BUT it certainly can give you a better idea of how he became the man you see today.
Ask a guy about his first broken heart or “girlfriend” and notice the direction his life took after. You’ll also notice something very important about men and the way they hold on to those emotions for a very long time. It affects them deeply.
For some it’s actually a good thing because it gives us them the opportunity to grow and learn. For others it’s a pattern all too hard to escape.
Never forget that EVERY guy can use these early experiences to become or be a better real man for any woman – but many don’t and their character will certainly display it if you look closely at their actions.
Good or bad, it never hurts to ask and sometimes you’ll get one interesting conversation IF you’re willing to share too.
First heart breaks, broken hearts, lost girlfriends (and boyfriends) at an early age, when taken lightly, when shared the right is not something which never be an avoided topic. Share away…