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First Date Confusion – He Doesn’t Call You Back! Is He Interested?

Woman Staring At Phone Confused

I was reading through a dating forum and found this very interesting story about a first date a woman had with a guy she met through an online dating site.

If you have ever gone out with guy but he didn't call back or get back to you for a second date then this story will show you HIS side of dating, his real interest in you, AND what you should NEVER do if you don't want him to disappear so quickly.

They started chatting online and he quickly mentions how he doesn't get on there much (the dating site) so they should exchange numbers.

She agreed and they both texted each other a few time before he proposed, "We should go out sometime very soon." She thought it was a great idea and they set up a typical Friday night date.

I'm not sure what happened on the date because she didn't mention it but at the end of the night they kissed in the Taxi in front of his place and he gave her a choice, "Call it a night or come up to his place to watch a movie".

She chose to go up to his place and very quickly they were making out in his apartment. She's not into having sex on the first date, calls it an evening, and heads home.

He texts her on the way home telling her to be safe. She texts him back. Then he mentions to stop texting because he doesn't want her to get hurt but he'll contact her soon.

A few days pass and since she hasn't heard anything from him decides to text him, "thanking him for a good night out."  He gets back to her after a few hours with something like you're welcome and how he can not wait to do it again.

A few more days pass and she has not heard back from him and so she checks out his profile and notices he's been on the dating site as she casually and angrily mentions that he told her "he doesn't get on there that much".

She wrote that she expects him to be seeing other women... "He's a good-looking guy." but she didn't understand why he would say he isn't on there a lot when to her, he so obviously did frequent his profile.

Based on that and her experience with men she concludes:

He hasn't called her for a second date because he thought he was going to get lucky that night and she didn't let it happen AND how he had probably moved on to an easier girl.

BUT she's still not convinced so she reasons it all out in her head:

WHY would he want to make sure she got home okay AND why would he mention he'd like to see her again?

Her last post was one of anger, disgust, and frustration as she gives up on him entirely claiming she was played and he was only looking for sex - keeping in mind all this happened within a WEEK:

"I definitely agree that I screwed things up by going up to his place. I was naive and didn't want the night to end and didn't bother thinking what my actions were saying. Dannnnng. I know in my gut that since he hasn't called, he's just not that into me.

But sometimes a girl just needs to hear it said out loud by someone else. No worries! I won't be contacting him in any form.

Sucks that I'll never know what would've happened had I gone home that night immediately after our date instead. Guess this guy was just meant to be a lesson. Lesson learned! Thanks for the honesty."

No call 48 hours after first date...not interested?!

(Forum link has since been deleted and is not accessible any more.)

Now that you know the whole story... here are my thoughts and I have a lot of them so be patient because you're going to learn a valuable lesson about men and much more.

I'll start with him...

He was a VERY smart "online" dater - based on what I read it's a safe assumption that he's a type one guy which means he's good with women and probably dating too.

He played the online interaction perfectly. He quickly got her phone number quickly AND he didn't waste any time sending her a few messages and setting up the first date.

(Type twos don't work this way at all - they typically take forever, let her lead, talk online for way too long, and make the dating process much more difficult than it needs to be.)

In my free book "Understanding Men Made Simple - There Are Only Two Types Of Guys" I do cover how just because he's a type one doesn't mean he's a bad guy or a player - just that being good with women gives him the option AND the opportunity to do so...

Which means (based on what we know from the story) it's impossible to for us to conclude IF she was being played or used as a one-night-stand or a quick lay BUT I will say this:

He moved from one step to the next AND got her to go back to his place which DOES tell me that sex was clearly on his mind. As if you need me to tell you that because you're certainly smart enough to see that coming a mile away.

BUT just because a guy wants to get laid on the first date does NOT make him a player. It's not good, that's for sure, especially if you're looking for something long-term with a guy,  however... here's a lesson in dating men:

Assuming you're being played because a guy doesn't contact you back after a few days past the first date is typically a WRONG assumption that will cause you to push a way a lot of good men.

Moving on to her side of the date, what really went wrong, and the mistakes she made so you can avoid making them yourself:

IF you don't want sex to be a part of the early dating process - do NOT go back to his place after the first date no matter how much of a good time you're having with him.

Hey... it happens, that I truly understand BUT that's actually NOT the real issue here as you'll soon see for yourself through her.

She IMMEDIATELY went back to that moment, HER decision, as to why he didn't contact her back quickly... because he didn't get it from her. She believed he wasn't that into her and was only looking for sex AND by going up to his place and not putting out - she pushed him away and made him lose interest.

In reality he didn't lose any interest at all. Obviously he was totally into her on one way or another.

Whether it was for sex or not remains to be seen AND she'll never know because she made a few more classic dating mistakes.

ONE: Instead of being patient and waiting for her to contact him in a reasonable time - she jumped ahead and came up with an excuse to message him first. 

She didn't message him because she wanted to, she texted him to test for his response and although that's fine with a type two guy - most type ones will see right through it and assume you're needy, a little desperate, or that you're playing a game in the hopes of revealing his hand quicker than it needs to be.

She texted, "Oh yeah I forgot to thank you for the date..." which leads to...

Number TWO: NEVER thank a man for a date and NEVER use it as an excuse to contact a guy so quickly after a first date just to see if he likes you or is interested or not.

IF a man is truly interested in you - he WILL call or contact you again. THAT is his sign of interest. When you poke or prod him hoping you'll learn the truth - he'll only think you're being overbearing, nosy, and that your dating life is suddenly revolving around a guy you just met.

And please - don't thank him for the date - if you must say anything at all - "You had a good time and you'd be happy to do it again when you're BOTH free for the second date."

Number THREE: Less than a week had passed before she became impatient with him and immediately went online to "check his profile" to literally spy on him because she wanted "closure?" already.

When you meet a guy online you must EXPECT he's there for a reason - to date women and he's not there just to date you exclusively.

YOU must do the same - dating one man at a time only causes this problem to happen. You put all your time and energy and feelings into one guy at a time and if it doesn't work out (in her case) within a week you make yourself a total wreck AND you start doing things which will push ANY guy away OR have him stick around just long enough to sleep with you.

Circular Dating Works!  TRY IT - and ALL problems like this go away instantly.

(See credits below for more information below on circular dating.)

If you want a guy who will date you exclusively (non-committal in the beginning of course) - then that is your choice and it's okay - BUT you must make that clear from the beginning AND you must also do it in a way which is not demanding.

Number FOUR: She went looking for closure - a definitive answer to whether he was interested in her or not AND if he was just looking for sex.

Hey - I understand what it feels like to leave something hanging and having a bunch of loose ends without any real answers BUT...

When it comes to dating - there will be a lot of loose-ends if you're putting yourself out there.

Many things will go left unsaid. Some men will never call. MOST men will NEVER tell you what they don't like about you. To be honest - it's not their responsibility to prepare you for next date with another guy.

If you so choose to let the men you see know why you don't want to date them anymore - that's your choice - but you can not expect others to work that same way or play by YOUR rules.

When you find yourself always searching for the why or what happened you will ACT differently around each and every next date trying to avoid what went wrong last time and if you don't know what went wrong - you will take yourself out of an attractive frame and guys will sense it AND you'll find it very difficult to just be yourself and have fun.

As one great advice man wrote:

1… Men Don’t Make Sense.

All those frustrating things that men do that don’t make any sense to you as a woman will NEVER MAKE SENSE.

Stop trying to make sense of them for yourself.

Trying to make sense of a man in your own terms is entirely counterproductive and gets little or no results other than you becoming increasingly frustrated.

There’s a better way.

2… You Can’t Figure Everything Out.

Have you ever REALLY hit it off with a guy but after a few weeks or months, even though things seemed great, the man pulled away and starting acting distant and cold?

Most men, at one time or another, do things like this that are ridiculous and impossible to figure out.

So EXPECT to NOT UNDERSTAND everything a man does.

If you can become more comfortable with the idea of not knowing everything about WHY a man does what he does, then you’ll feel a strange sense of calm relaxation – along with an increase in your own self-confidence.

6 Ways On How To Use The Magic Of Intuition & Get To Know The Real Him

With all that said and "behind" us...

Was He Interested In Her or Not?

It's not 100% that just because a man does not contact you as quickly as you'd like is not a guarantee he's not interested.

Quality men (and I use that term loosely) are NOT going to come out and say it early on but the signs are always there and in her case they were:

  • He kissed her.
  • He invited her back to his place.
  • He texted her after she left.
  • He said he wanted to do it again.

All signs pointing to his INTEREST and ATTRACTION towards her.

Just because a man doesn't act all needy and overbearing right after the first date is NOT a sign of no interest - it's typically a sign of who he is and not how he feels about you.

If he doesn't contact you after a reasonable amount of time then yes, it could mean that he decided he wasn't interested in pursuing things further with you and the exact reason will probably never be shared with you.

The absolute best way to tell if a man is truly interested in you:

Tease him a little, have fun with him, offer a little and have him "work" if he wants more... in a fun flirty and attractive way of course.

Be a REAL challenge.

Be HIS challenge.

And those high quality men will show their interest by paying very close attention to you in every sense of the word.

Do things a certain way (attractive communication) and let them work for you AND if a guy is responding because of that - it's practically a guarantee that he's interested in you.

Do things the wrong way (which I point out in my free book below) and the only challenge or interest you'll engage him in will keep him around just long enough until the challenge is met.

In the case above - she did NOT give up the challenge by going up to his place at the end of the night - if she has slept with him that night - THEN YES - challenge gone because as I wrote above - IF you want to date a man long-term and you're looking for a possible and eventual real commitment, do NOT sleep with him too early.

You can read more about that here:

Will He Stick Around After You Get Intimate? Not If You Make These Common Mistakes

The inevitable Confused Dating Is He Interested conclusion...

I feel for this woman - I really DO.

I understand from years of experience and through all the advice I've given along the way how HARD it is to stop overthinking and where it often leads a man or woman when it happens.

Sure - this guy "could've" been only out for a quick lay BUT that does not mean he's going to settle with one... for you or her.

She didn't "put out" and that's a GOOD thing when you're looking for something more.

BUT she still made a lot of mistakes which will stop her from ever revealing the truth about this guy and you never know - all things considered (maybe) he was looking for something more too and in his mind - he might believe sex is the way to a woman's heart too.

Aside from all that - the FACTS remain:

He was clearly attracted to her.

He was clearly interested in her one way or another.

His intentions are unknown but that's to be expected unless you learn them from the first interactions you have with a guy.

NOTICE she didn't mention what they talked about on the date even though THAT information was the most beneficial and crucial information to learn what was on his mind.

So - if you can relate to any and all of this:

GIVE a guy some time before you contact him.

This all happened in less than a week and that's way too quick to decide one way or another compatibility, interest, intention, emotional attraction and connection.

Do NOT jump the gun. Don't leap into the abyss hoping or prodding for information.

ENJOY the moments.

REVEL in the unknown for just a while and everything will unwind in its own way.

ASSUME if a guy is WORTH giving a chance and an opportunity to date YOU - that means he's probably dating other women too (especially if you meet from an online dating site). YOU saw something in him, other women will too.

AND he saw something in you worth dating too - which means you have an equal or even BETTER chance.

The LAST thing you want in your life is taking ANY of your valuable "you" time out of your busy, fun, happy schedule to check out his profile to see if he's still online looking because I GUARANTEE he is. Don't question it - it WILL happen just the same as you will look around too.

THAT is the point of dating...

To search...

To seek..

To explore...

To Enjoy...

UNTIL that perfect MATCH comes your way.

I'm going to leave you with a few of the best advice articles I've found to help you get through the dating process in a way which keeps men INTERESTED in you, STOPS you from overthinking about it all, AND assures you ARE his greatest challenge.

They were written by Evan Marc Katz and I posted them up over my other site... Please enjoy and learn something from them:

Credits:

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(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )

About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.

LIKE or SHARE my Facebook fan page: Why Do Guys…? OR JOIN other women discuss guys – Why Do Guys Facebook Group. Find and follow me on Twitter – Peter White.

This article was posted in Dating – Interpretations Of What Went Wrong & How To Make It Right, Games Guys Play – Is He Playing You? Is He A Player? Don’t Get Fooled, Is He Interested In You? Does He Like You? Signs & Signals Of Attraction

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34 comments… add one
  • Jasmin

    Thank you so much for writing this! This exact situation just happened to me! Exactly! And I already took the step to shoot a text saying that I had a good time on our date…next step, me writing him off. Thanks to you, I will be more patient and maybe not ruin something that could be great!

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Jasmin -great to hear.

  • kiki

    Hi…. well my guy after our first date never msg me back…and after one month that is on valentine msg me wishing me n says he misses n loves me… then nothing….so now what…. be patient or move on….need help

    • Peter White

      Hi Kiki,

      I would move on because:

      1. A guy admitting he loves you after only one date is usually a bad sign.

      2. Waiting a month after a first date to message you… on Valentine’s sounds a little too much like he was just looking for a one night stand.

      Thanks Kiki,

      Hope the bluntness helps you,

      Pete

  • HT

    As a woman, 20 years of experience with men taught me that it’s actually quite simple. If a man is interested and honest about getting to know you, the next contact and the next date come quite naturally. I’m not saying the next step should come after 2 days already, but it shouldn’t take weeks either. That’s just plain, universal logic.

    If a guy really plays a game of “who calls who first”, leave him – that would be my advice. He’s just not worth your time and value, so don’t put any energy into this. Maybe the guy likes you even if he plays games, for whatever reason (weakness, need to control things…) – but this guy’s problems don’t have to become yours. You’ll be better off with someone else.

    About neediness, it shouldn’t be wrong to show that you like a guy – if you don’t go into telling him you’re lonely or depressed, of course. But if you can’t just show your feelings, forget about the relationship. Really. How do you expect living with someone later on, if you can’t be yourself? That’ll just never work out. You just can’t live with a mask all the time. It’s also plain logic, nothing secret about it.

  • Daphne

    Dear Peter,

    I went out with this guy, he is fine. He bought me a drink, he’s talking about his life experiences, his family, his career. We were looking at each other, smiling and all. He was excited than he ask me if I would like to get laid down. . Then I touch his finger and he took my hand, then I told him that I’m sorry, even though I like him, I find him attractive but it’s not my style to climb to bed on a first meeting.

    Instead we went for a walk. He walked so close to me, we were very comfortable with each other. He seem excited. Later we were holding hand and we were kissing, he look into my eye straight and again we were kissing gently to a moderate passionate one.

    He talk about he being adventurous, and unfortunately I’m not that adventurous type but I would like to give a try in near future though. He was excited, he even make plan for us to meet again in few days time.

    We said goodbye, and he gave me signal to call him. Later that night I call him but he didn’t pick up. I send him a thank you email and he immediately reply, he said that he enjoys it but his night is quite. I send another one but perhaps he already sleep.

    Then the next morning I send him a good morning message, he reply to with emoticon. He told me that he’s busy with work. Then later when I asked him regarding his plan of meeting up, he said that he has to cancle it due to his work.

    I didn’t message him after that since he’s busy so I give him two days by himself. The next day when I message him, it takes some time for him to reply. He said he’s OK, with the ok being caps lock. But this time around its take longer time for him to reply to my messages.

    In the end I wrote to him, giving him my number that if he want to look for me he could give me a call etc, that I have life, I couldn’t keep on waiting like that.

    Then he wrote to me, he said that I’m a very nice lady but he felt that I’m more serious than he is.

    Ooopps… what was that all about? I thank him for the time he spent on me and I really enjoyed his company. That’s it. After that i didn’t contact him and just take it easy.

    I don’t understand what is going on? He seem so excited and interested. Is it because he finds me not adventurous like he is therefore we cannot get along? He even makes plan for us to go out again.

    I think he likes me. Is he afraid that he might fall in love with me? What is it?

    • Peter White

      Hello Daphne,

      As plain as I can put it… He wanted sex first and then to see what happens after. He wants to take his time BUT he wants dating with casual sex.

      When you messaged so quickly after, he got the feeling that with you, it was relationship first before sex and that you were ready to jump right into that mode. At this point he’s thinking, “She wants an instant relationship and won’t allow me the freedom to date other women.”

      I suppose that’s the nice way to put it.

      He’s not afraid of falling in love with you. He just doesn’t want to date you without sex first and feels you’ll believe dating=relationship.

      Unfortunately, if you waited for a while before contacting him, probably a week or so, he would have assumed something entirely different, although in the back of his mind, he was still getting relationship vibe from that first night.

      Not all is bad here.. IF this is what YOU want, then luckily you found out quickly what HE wanted early on and you won’t be wasting any of your time on him.

      So, of course he likes you but it appears you both are taking different paths to finding it.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Pete

  • Steph

    Hi Peter, I have a situation where I went out on a first date with a guy and it went really well. The issue is that he was only in town for a few days and lives far away, so if it did turn into anything it would be long distance. He ended up asking me out again but I was busy since we only had 2 days left in the same area, and then he said if I like to text or call, and I said I prefer calling. He then said he would call me…he never did. I texted him after 2 days that I’m glad that we met and he replied with just me too. I really felt a connection on the date and he said he did too, but he never reached out to me and its been several days. He told me how interested he was and how he really was having a great time, and he would be willing to come back pretty often to visit me… I am really upset at myself that I told him no to the second date, because I am worried that he might have taken it the wrong way. I really want to talk to him because I think it could be something amazing. Should I reach out to him again? At this point will he still call? If he doesn’t then should I call him or text? And how long should I wait before I do anything? Is he playing hard to get? I really truly felt a connection with this guy.

    • Hi Steph – wow lots of questions so I’ll make this as succinct as I can (if that’s even possible for me).

      Here’s what I don’t like about your situation:

      Both of you talking about having a great time. Both of you “talking” about how you felt a real connection.

      Him “saying” he was going to call you and you preferred the phone but you couldn’t wait, got anxious and texted him. I would expect at that point a simple text back and nothing more. You did say you preferred the phone and he wasn’t ready yet to call you.

      I’m just not a big fan on telling your date (man or woman) that you feel connection and
      you’re having a good time. My theory is: It doesn’t need to be said because it’s happening AND it tends to turn an action moment into more talking and less DOING to amplify the chemistry – so you two people can just ENJOY the moments together even.

      But that’s neither here nor there – just my thoughts to make things better next time.

      Your answers:
      Should you reach out to him again? Sure, why wouldn’t you. BUT I’d wait until he contacts you because you already got things rolling in that direction.

      At this point will he still call? I wish I had your answer but it’s not solid. I’d say there’s a good chance he will depending on what he has going on for him closer to his home.

      If he doesn’t then should you call him or text? No. You did it already. Let him take the next step.

      And how long should you wait before I do anything? Already covered this one.

      Is he playing hard to get?

      Not enough information about him to tell you that exactly but I can help get you there.

      Ask yourself what type of guy you think he is. Did you spend enough time engaging and learning about his “character” on the date? If so then you probably have a good idea if he’s a game player or not AND remember he DID ask for a second date already, right? Which is a good sign he’s not playing a game.

      AND next time – spend less time talking about the connection and having a good time and MORE time engaging his “character” and learning what TYPE of guy he is by interacting with him in a way in which he naturally reveals it to you.

      That way you’re not left wondering anymore.

      All the best to you Steph,
      Pete

  • Gretchen

    Wow, I needed to here this. I am 52 and just started dating 6 months ago after a divorce. Have been on several meet and greets, but no chemistry. However, I have been chatting for sometime with a guy and we meet for drinks to see if there was a connection. This went well, was suppose to be only and hour and lasted 2.5. Waited a week and didn’t hear anything and then received a text asking me out for this past Friday night. Very good time and lots of sexual tension was in the air. After dinner we went to a near by bar, and then to listen to a live band with dancing. Held hands and had a lingering kiss good night. He texted me as soon as he arrived home thanking me for a great evening and we need to do it again soon.

    Ok, so now here is where I am. We’ve texted off and on, but no plans set for the next meeting other than hidden innuendo’s. So just reassure me I am doing the right thing by not being pushy and letting him set the tone.

    Can’t fight the desire to want to kiss him again. OH it has come up in conversations.

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