≡ Menu
Why Do Guys…?

First Date Confusion – He doesn’t Call You Back! Is He Interested?

Woman Staring At Phone Confused

They went out Friday night after meeting off an internet dating site. He quickly mentions how he "doesn't get on there much" and how they should exchange numbers.

She agrees and they text a few times before he says we should go out sometime very soon. She agrees and they set up a Friday night date.

He gets a kiss in the taxi and offers her a choice - "Call it a night or come up to his place to watch a movie."

She follows him to his apartment and within a short time is making out with her. She doesn't allow any sex to happen and decides to call it an evening.

He texts her on the way home telling her to be safe. She texts him back. Then he mentions to stop texting because he doesn't want her to get hurt and he'll contact her soon.

A few days pass and since she hasn't heard anything decides to text him, "thanking him for a good night out."  He gets back to her after a few hours with something like you're welcome and how he can not wait until the next time.

Now it's Tuesday and she has not heard back from him. She just "happens" to notice he's on the internet dating site even though he said he doesn't get on there much.

She expects him to be seeing other women..."He's a good-looking guy." but doesn't understand why he would say he isn't on there a lot.

She believes he hasn't called her because just maybe he thought he was going to get lucky and she didn't let it happen.

Maybe he moved on to an easier girl.

Which doesn't make sense to her, she thinks, because why did he bother to make sure she got home okay and mentioning that he'd like to see her again.

He played it perfectly...he didn't waste any time messaging back and forth and get her phone number quickly.  A very smart thing to do.

The only thing she bothered to mention was that he was "good-looking,"  made good eye contact and asked a lot of questions.

In other words she was probably "hot" for him. He made her feel comfortable enough (after only a few messages and one date) to go back up to his place.

Now what about her - she "notices" he's online a few times.

He doesn't immediately get back to her so she starts to wonder if she's being played.

She can not wait for more than a few days before she comes up with any reason to message,

"Oh yeah I forgot to thank you for the date..."

In other words she thought she found a perfectly good excuse to message him - but in reality she was more curious about why he didn't instantly start acting like a boyfriend or some needy dude she'd probably run from anyways.

Instantly she comes to the conclusion it was because she didn't put out!

Maybe he moved on to an easier girl because he was only interested in getting some and she refused to put out.

What kind of game could he possibly be playing?

Let's see and please note the sarcasm - I won't "crawl up her ass" and act like some needy guy. I'll immediately show interest. Be confident by making good eye contact.

I'll find out more about her by asking lots of questions.

I'll show her quickly I'm not interested in a "just friendly" meeting so I'll break the physical barrier almost immediately.

Both parties involved are doing what they should be doing - She's testing the hell out of him hoping and trying to get him to reveal his hand. He's passing them every step.

He's getting to know her slowly and by not letting a few days become something more than it is. Just a few days. He's keeping his options open by "probably" setting up more dates.

He has a good-looking profile, a quick "get her on he phone" system, and nonchalantly mentioning he's not much of an internet dater. Which whether she or any woman ever believes it or not - is out there anyways.

Then she wrote this,

"I definitely agree that I screwed things up by going up to his place. I was naive and didn't want the night to end and didn't bother thinking what my actions were saying. Dannnnng. I know in my gut that since he hasn't called, he's just not that into me. But sometimes a girl just needs to hear it said out loud by someone else. No worries! I won't be contacting him in any form.

Sucks that I'll never know what would've happened had I gone home that night immediately after our date instead. Guess this guy was just meant to be a lesson. Lesson learned! Thanks for the honesty."

No call 48 hours after first date...not interested?!

She relates "him not calling" quick enough to him not being interested - in my opinion... NOT TRUE at all!

The fact is after one date you can not expect any man to suddenly start revolving around your world. And if he does you'll pull back quicker saying how overly needy he is. Even if he's good-looking.

"Trying to figure out where a relationship is going too soon is a surefire way to scare a man away, just like you get scared off by those too-eager guys."

You meet a “great guy”. You “want to know where things are going”… …so that you “don’t waste your time” …on a man “who may not want to commit” ….and has the “potential to hurt you” just like your last boyfriend."

Do You Want to Learn the Secret to Keeping a Man Interested in You?

She NEEDS to hear he likes her or doesn't...

He asked for a kiss, he asked to come back to his place, he said he'd like to see her again sometime...what more does she need to hear?

Then she calls him a lesson. How she won't be contacting him in any form.

I don't believe her.

She'll think about him probably a little too much. Not compulsively but enough. The open non-explained disappearance will without a doubt still make her wonder.

"Why do guys...?" wait to call back after a first date, and why do men have dating rules?

People get busy and most of us run a life that's full of things to do.

If you take the absence personal, like he's doing on purpose just to play a game, them those same players you're trying to avoid - will not only drive you crazy, you'll set yourself for constantly being stuck with a guy like that.

Overly needy men will give you exactly what you want.

They will constantly tell you how interested they are in you. Mostly hoping you'll like him back. He'll worry you're out with some other guy and text and phone you way too much right after you first meet. That is if he really likes you.

And you're not going to feel anything for that type of guy very quickly because of it.

I know what you're thinking - isn't there a middle ground?

Can't I meet a guy who is interested just enough to not let me wait around to figure it out?

Nope.

Because it's too personal and because of that - it's just best not to take it personally. His middle ground is probably different than yours and until you really get to know him, you're only going to assume what it means based on your perspective.

If you're always busy you assume others are probably busy too and you have no time to even consider it.

If you have lots of time on your hands then you have more time to think about it.

And it will seem longer to you than it does to someone else.

It's a matter of personal perspective.

Does it really mean we're just not interested?

It's not 100% that just because a man does not contact you as quickly as you'd like is not a guarantee he's not interested.

Quality men (and I use that term loosely) are NOT going to come out and say it early on but the signs are always there...

  • He asked for a kiss.
  • He asked you to come back to his place.
  • He said he'd like to see your again.

All signs pointing to his INTEREST.

Never expect a guy to consider a relationship of any kind in one or two weeks - because, and I know you already know this - those are the guys you don't want anyways.

You yourself are displaying signs of neediness which is always an "attraction" killer.

So naturally you would expect him to do the same.

When a guy doesn't call you immediately after a first date - don't take it personal.

Yes some guys who are not interested will fade into the night never to be seen again, some guys are only looking for a quick lay...

But MOST highly sought-out men are dating a few women at once and are only living their lives.

They have no need to immediately contact a woman after just one date.

They have no need to advertise their interest because they know things take time.

They have no urgency to get her as quickly as humanly possible.

What really got me, and probably caused me to write all this, was the mostly lame responses she received telling her he was a player.

How she was being played and should feel grateful she didn't sleep with him.

How it was such a huge mistake to go back to his place only after one night.

Could he be a player - quite possibly yes. But it's just as likely he's not.

The absolute truth about our "dating rules" is -  They are there because some men DO have a need problem. They do need to step back and give women space. Some men don't and thus only follow their lives the best they can without any dating rules.

If she doesn't her back from him at all, for a couple weeks or more, then yes it's almost definite he's not interested in her at all.

If he calls back drunk after that time - then he either just wanted sex and remembered you - or he's feeling bad because he really liked you but got scared.

The best way to tell if a man is truly interested in you:

Tease him a little, have fun with him, offer a little and have him "work" if he wants more.

Be a challenge.

Be his challenge.

And those high quality men will show their interest by paying very close attention to you in every sense of the word.

Do things a certain way (attractive communication) and let them work for you AND if a guy is responding because of that - it's practically a guarantee that he's interested in you.

Now...

I've covered a lot in my newsletter and something which came up a while ago were some very profound concepts on all this IS HE INTERESTED?

Read my home page because to absolutely determine if he's interested or not you must know his TYPE first - you can not start from the end and work your way back. His TYPE must come first.

If you don't know his type you can misinterpret every action of lack of action a guys makes as it relates to you.

Get on my newsletter below and I'll soon explain to you three very important areas which will not only help you figure this situation out but ALL of them.

Interest, Attraction, and Intention.

They are different but connected and I can not stress how important it is to know the difference and how they are connected.

Once you're a member of why do guys - leave me a note to REMIND me that you signed up on this page and you want to be shown the differences.

(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )
About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.
32 comments… add one
  • Jasmin

    Thank you so much for writing this! This exact situation just happened to me! Exactly! And I already took the step to shoot a text saying that I had a good time on our date…next step, me writing him off. Thanks to you, I will be more patient and maybe not ruin something that could be great!

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Jasmin -great to hear.

  • kiki

    Hi…. well my guy after our first date never msg me back…and after one month that is on valentine msg me wishing me n says he misses n loves me… then nothing….so now what…. be patient or move on….need help

    • Peter White

      Hi Kiki,

      I would move on because:

      1. A guy admitting he loves you after only one date is usually a bad sign.

      2. Waiting a month after a first date to message you… on Valentine’s sounds a little too much like he was just looking for a one night stand.

      Thanks Kiki,

      Hope the bluntness helps you,

      Pete

  • HT

    As a woman, 20 years of experience with men taught me that it’s actually quite simple. If a man is interested and honest about getting to know you, the next contact and the next date come quite naturally. I’m not saying the next step should come after 2 days already, but it shouldn’t take weeks either. That’s just plain, universal logic.

    If a guy really plays a game of “who calls who first”, leave him – that would be my advice. He’s just not worth your time and value, so don’t put any energy into this. Maybe the guy likes you even if he plays games, for whatever reason (weakness, need to control things…) – but this guy’s problems don’t have to become yours. You’ll be better off with someone else.

    About neediness, it shouldn’t be wrong to show that you like a guy – if you don’t go into telling him you’re lonely or depressed, of course. But if you can’t just show your feelings, forget about the relationship. Really. How do you expect living with someone later on, if you can’t be yourself? That’ll just never work out. You just can’t live with a mask all the time. It’s also plain logic, nothing secret about it.

  • Daphne

    Dear Peter,

    I went out with this guy, he is fine. He bought me a drink, he’s talking about his life experiences, his family, his career. We were looking at each other, smiling and all. He was excited than he ask me if I would like to get laid down. . Then I touch his finger and he took my hand, then I told him that I’m sorry, even though I like him, I find him attractive but it’s not my style to climb to bed on a first meeting.

    Instead we went for a walk. He walked so close to me, we were very comfortable with each other. He seem excited. Later we were holding hand and we were kissing, he look into my eye straight and again we were kissing gently to a moderate passionate one.

    He talk about he being adventurous, and unfortunately I’m not that adventurous type but I would like to give a try in near future though. He was excited, he even make plan for us to meet again in few days time.

    We said goodbye, and he gave me signal to call him. Later that night I call him but he didn’t pick up. I send him a thank you email and he immediately reply, he said that he enjoys it but his night is quite. I send another one but perhaps he already sleep.

    Then the next morning I send him a good morning message, he reply to with emoticon. He told me that he’s busy with work. Then later when I asked him regarding his plan of meeting up, he said that he has to cancle it due to his work.

    I didn’t message him after that since he’s busy so I give him two days by himself. The next day when I message him, it takes some time for him to reply. He said he’s OK, with the ok being caps lock. But this time around its take longer time for him to reply to my messages.

    In the end I wrote to him, giving him my number that if he want to look for me he could give me a call etc, that I have life, I couldn’t keep on waiting like that.

    Then he wrote to me, he said that I’m a very nice lady but he felt that I’m more serious than he is.

    Ooopps… what was that all about? I thank him for the time he spent on me and I really enjoyed his company. That’s it. After that i didn’t contact him and just take it easy.

    I don’t understand what is going on? He seem so excited and interested. Is it because he finds me not adventurous like he is therefore we cannot get along? He even makes plan for us to go out again.

    I think he likes me. Is he afraid that he might fall in love with me? What is it?

    • Peter White

      Hello Daphne,

      As plain as I can put it… He wanted sex first and then to see what happens after. He wants to take his time BUT he wants dating with casual sex.

      When you messaged so quickly after, he got the feeling that with you, it was relationship first before sex and that you were ready to jump right into that mode. At this point he’s thinking, “She wants an instant relationship and won’t allow me the freedom to date other women.”

      I suppose that’s the nice way to put it.

      He’s not afraid of falling in love with you. He just doesn’t want to date you without sex first and feels you’ll believe dating=relationship.

      Unfortunately, if you waited for a while before contacting him, probably a week or so, he would have assumed something entirely different, although in the back of his mind, he was still getting relationship vibe from that first night.

      Not all is bad here.. IF this is what YOU want, then luckily you found out quickly what HE wanted early on and you won’t be wasting any of your time on him.

      So, of course he likes you but it appears you both are taking different paths to finding it.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Pete

  • Steph

    Hi Peter, I have a situation where I went out on a first date with a guy and it went really well. The issue is that he was only in town for a few days and lives far away, so if it did turn into anything it would be long distance. He ended up asking me out again but I was busy since we only had 2 days left in the same area, and then he said if I like to text or call, and I said I prefer calling. He then said he would call me…he never did. I texted him after 2 days that I’m glad that we met and he replied with just me too. I really felt a connection on the date and he said he did too, but he never reached out to me and its been several days. He told me how interested he was and how he really was having a great time, and he would be willing to come back pretty often to visit me… I am really upset at myself that I told him no to the second date, because I am worried that he might have taken it the wrong way. I really want to talk to him because I think it could be something amazing. Should I reach out to him again? At this point will he still call? If he doesn’t then should I call him or text? And how long should I wait before I do anything? Is he playing hard to get? I really truly felt a connection with this guy.

    • Hi Steph – wow lots of questions so I’ll make this as succinct as I can (if that’s even possible for me).

      Here’s what I don’t like about your situation:

      Both of you talking about having a great time. Both of you “talking” about how you felt a real connection.

      Him “saying” he was going to call you and you preferred the phone but you couldn’t wait, got anxious and texted him. I would expect at that point a simple text back and nothing more. You did say you preferred the phone and he wasn’t ready yet to call you.

      I’m just not a big fan on telling your date (man or woman) that you feel connection and
      you’re having a good time. My theory is: It doesn’t need to be said because it’s happening AND it tends to turn an action moment into more talking and less DOING to amplify the chemistry – so you two people can just ENJOY the moments together even.

      But that’s neither here nor there – just my thoughts to make things better next time.

      Your answers:
      Should you reach out to him again? Sure, why wouldn’t you. BUT I’d wait until he contacts you because you already got things rolling in that direction.

      At this point will he still call? I wish I had your answer but it’s not solid. I’d say there’s a good chance he will depending on what he has going on for him closer to his home.

      If he doesn’t then should you call him or text? No. You did it already. Let him take the next step.

      And how long should you wait before I do anything? Already covered this one.

      Is he playing hard to get?

      Not enough information about him to tell you that exactly but I can help get you there.

      Ask yourself what type of guy you think he is. Did you spend enough time engaging and learning about his “character” on the date? If so then you probably have a good idea if he’s a game player or not AND remember he DID ask for a second date already, right? Which is a good sign he’s not playing a game.

      AND next time – spend less time talking about the connection and having a good time and MORE time engaging his “character” and learning what TYPE of guy he is by interacting with him in a way in which he naturally reveals it to you.

      That way you’re not left wondering anymore.

      All the best to you Steph,
      Pete

  • Gretchen

    Wow, I needed to here this. I am 52 and just started dating 6 months ago after a divorce. Have been on several meet and greets, but no chemistry. However, I have been chatting for sometime with a guy and we meet for drinks to see if there was a connection. This went well, was suppose to be only and hour and lasted 2.5. Waited a week and didn’t hear anything and then received a text asking me out for this past Friday night. Very good time and lots of sexual tension was in the air. After dinner we went to a near by bar, and then to listen to a live band with dancing. Held hands and had a lingering kiss good night. He texted me as soon as he arrived home thanking me for a great evening and we need to do it again soon.

    Ok, so now here is where I am. We’ve texted off and on, but no plans set for the next meeting other than hidden innuendo’s. So just reassure me I am doing the right thing by not being pushy and letting him set the tone.

    Can’t fight the desire to want to kiss him again. OH it has come up in conversations.

Leave a Comment