They went out Friday night after meeting off an internet dating site. He quickly mentions how he “doesn’t get on there much” and how they should exchange numbers.
She agrees and they text a few times before he says we should go out sometime very soon. She agrees and they set up a Friday night date.
He gets a kiss in the taxi and offers her a choice – “Call it a night or come up to his place to watch a movie.”
She follows him to his apartment and within a short time is making out with her. She doesn’t allow any sex to happen and decides to call it an evening.
He texts her on the way home telling her to be safe. She texts him back. Then he mentions to stop texting because he doesn’t want her to get hurt and he’ll contact her soon.
A few days pass and since she hasn’t heard anything decides to text him, “thanking him for a good night out.” He gets back to her after a few hours with something like you’re welcome and how he can not wait until the next time.
Now it’s Tuesday and she has not heard back from him. She just “happens” to notice he’s on the internet dating site even though he said he doesn’t get on there much.
She expects him to be seeing other women…”He’s a good-looking guy.” but doesn’t understand why he would say he isn’t on there a lot.
She believes he hasn’t called her because just maybe he thought he was going to get lucky and she didn’t let it happen. Maybe he moved on to an easier girl. Which doens’t make sense to her, she thinks, because why did he bother to make sure she got home okay and mentioning that he’d like to see her again.
He played it perfectly…he didn’t waste any time messaging back and forth and get her phone number quickly. A very smart thing to do.
The only thing she bothered to mention was that he was “good-looking,” made good eye contact and asked a lot of questions.
In other words she was probably “hot” for him. He made her feel comfortable enough (after only a few messages and one date) to go back up to his place.
Now what about her – she “notices” he’s online a few times. He doesn’t immediately get back to her so she starts to wonder if she’s being played. She can not wait for more than a few days before she comes up with any reason to message, “Oh yeah I forgot to thank you for the date…”
In other words she thought she found a perfectly good excuse to message him – but in reality she was more curious about why he didn’t instantly start acting like a boyfriend or some needy dude she’d probably run from.
Instantly she comes to the conclusion it was because she didn’t put out! Maybe he moved on to an easier girl because he was only interested in getting some and she refused to put out.
What kind of game could he possibly be playing?
Let’s see and please note the sarcasm – I won’t “crawl up her ass” and act like some needy guy. I’ll immediately show interest. Be confident by making good eye contact. I’ll find out more about her by asking lots of questions. I’ll show her quickly I’m not interested in a “just friendly” meeting so I’ll break the physical barrier almost immediately.
Both parties involved are doing what they should be doing – She’s testing the hell out of him hoping and trying to get him to reveal his hand. He’s passing them every step.
He’s getting to know her slowly and by not letting a few days become something more than it is. Just a few days. He’s keeping his options open by “probably” setting up more dates. He has a good-looking profile, a quick “get her on he phone” system, and nonchalantly mentioning he’s not much of an internet dater. Which whether she or any woman ever believes it or not – is out there anyways.
Then she wrote this,
“I definitely agree that I screwed things up by going up to his place. I was naive and didn’t want the night to end and didn’t bother thinking what my actions were saying. Dannnnng. I know in my gut that since he hasn’t called, he’s just not that into me. But sometimes a girl just needs to hear it said out loud by someone else. No worries! I won’t be contacting him in any form.
Sucks that I’ll never know what would’ve happened had I gone home that night immediately after our date instead. Guess this guy was just meant to be a lesson. Lesson learned! Thanks for the honesty.”
She relates “him not calling” quick enough to him not being interested – in my opinion… NOT TRUE at all!
The fact is after one date you can not expect any man to suddenly start revolving around your world. And if he does you’ll pull back quicker saying how overly needy he is. Even if he’s good-looking.
She NEEDS to hear he likes her or doesn’t… He asked for a kiss, he asked to come back to his place, he said he’d like to see her again sometime…what more does she need to hear.
Then she calls him a lesson. How she won’t be contacting him in any form.
I don’t believe her. She’ll think about him probably a little too much. Not compulsively but enough. The open non-explained disappearance will without a doubt still make her wonder.
“Why do guys…?” Wait to call back after a first date, and why do men have dating rules?
People get busy and most of us run a life that’s full of things to do. If you take the absence personal, like he’s doing on purpose just to play a game, them those same players you’re trying to avoid – will not only drive you crazy, you’ll set yourself for constantly being stuck with a guy like that.
Overly needy men will give you exactly what you want. They will constantly tell you how interested they are in you. Mostly hoping you’ll like him back. He’ll worry you’re out with some other guy and text and phone you way too much right after you first meet. That is if he really likes you.
And you’re not going to feel anything for that type of guy very quickly because of it.
I know what you’re thinking – isn’t there a middle ground? Can’t I meet a guy who is interested just enough to not let me wait around to figure it out?
Nope. Because it’s too personal and because of that – it’s just best not to take it personally. His middle ground is probably different than yours and until you really get to know him, you’re only going to assume what it means based on your perspective.
If you’re always busy you assume others are probably busy too and you have no time to even consider it.
If you have lots of time on your hands then you have more time to think about it. And it will seem longer to you than it does to someone else.
It’s a matter of personal perspective.
Does it really mean we’re just not interested?
It’s not 100% that just because a man does not contact you as quickly as you’d like is not a guarantee he’s not interested.
Quality men (and I use that term loosely) are NOT going to come out and say it early on but the signs are always there…
- He asked for a kiss.
- He asked you to come back to his place.
- He said he’d like to see your again.
All signs he’s interested.
Never expect a guy to consider a relationship of any kind in one or two weeks – because, and I know you already know this – those are the guys you don’t want anyways.
You yourself are displaying signs of neediness which is always an “attraction” killer. So naturally you would expect him to do the same.
When a guy doesn’t call you immediately after a first date – don’t take it personal. Yes some guys who are not interested will fade into the night never to be seen again, some guys are only looking for a quick lay…
But MOST highly sought-out men are dating a few women at once and are only living their lives. They have no need to immediately contact a woman after just one date. They have no need to advertise their interest because they know things take time. They have no urgency to get her as quickly as humanly possible.
What really got me, and probably caused me to write all this, was the mostly lame responses she received telling her he was a player. How she was being played and should feel grateful she didn’t sleep with him. How it was such a huge mistake to go back to his place only after one night.
Could he be a player – quite possibly yes. But it’s just as likely he’s not.
The absolute truth about our “dating rules” is – They are there because some men DO have a need problem. They do need to step back and give women space. Some men don’t and thus only follow their lives the best they can without any dating rules.
If she doesn’t her back from him at all, for a couple weeks or more, then yes it’s almost definite he’s not interested in her at all.
If he calls back drunk after that time – then he either just wanted sex and remembered you – or he’s feeling bad because he really liked you but got scared.
The best way to tell if a man is truly interested in you:
To tease him a little, have fun with him, offer a little and have him “work” if he wants more.
Be a challenge.
Be his challenge.
And those high quality men will show their interest by paying very close attention to you in every sense of the word.