4 Main Reasons Why Guys Will Put You In Their Friends Zone

Men Women Just Friends Zone

Years ago, I never realized how many women actually DO get stuck in the friends zone with a guy. Maybe it's a guy thing. Maybe we just think it's easier for you than it is for us - meaning lots of guys believe you have an easier time attracting men than guys generally having attracting women.

A few years back I created an escape the friends zone step-by-step process for guys who were in the friends zone to help them escape. It became quite popular and then something strange happened:

Thousands of women ended up on those pages and started asking me for advice because they too - just didn't know why a guy would just want to be friends with them and others - were just hoping to turn him around and make something more out of their friendship.

I've since formulated those steps for women and you can read all about it here:

What To Do When You Fall For Your Friend & He Doesn’t Feel The Same Way

But FIRST you have to know WHY a guy will put you there and only want to be friends.

Here are the main reasons why guys put women in their friends zone:

The absolute #1 reason is: No ATTRACTION.

From the moment he put his eyes on you he felt no physical attraction at all.

How and when you became friends has no bearing on the situation. If a guy doesn't feel it quickly and you begin to do things together alone or more likely as a group - then that is why you're there.

The good news is men CAN be attracted to a woman (a little physically) but mostly EMOTIONALLY over a period of time depending on how you communicate and interact with him.

When I think back to ALL the women I've interacted with in my life and only ever saw her as a friend - this was why and I believe you'll find lots of guys who feel exactly the same way.

The #2 Reason is because he put himself in YOUR friends zone.

Just because a man can feel attracted to you does NOT guarantee he'll do anything real about it. Typically it's a classic type two guy thing.

They'll get close to you - do everything they can to help you out - they will become friends with you hoping something will happen but fail to act or do anything about it making you believe he only wants to be friends when in fact...

He wanted so much more and the longer time passes, the harder it becomes for him to make his move out of it.

You see the MAIN difference between the being just friends for women and men is that fact that:

Most of the time - IF a guy is physically attracted to a woman he will forgo or risk the friendship for something more while a woman will not.

Which is why most guys just settle in there with someone they like and hope you'll let them know it's okay to take the relationship to another level.

The #3 reason: He's looking for a friends with benefit package deal or free sex without the commitment.

It's well know that I do NOT believe in FWB's.

You can read all it that here:

The FACT about this reason is that he wants the sex without the commitment and most of the time it's because he's not interested and probably never will interested in anything more with you.

So... technically speaking you're NOT in his friends zone at all because friends do not typically sleep with each other.

He's probably slightly (if that) physically attracted to you but doesn't feel a deep of connection to you to take the next step BUT still likes the sex part.

Enough said on this - moving on...

The last reason is unlikely to happen without you knowing it but should be stated anyways.

The #4 reason: The relationship has ended and there are very good reasons to stay friends.

When I say relationship this could be anything from dating to marriage and all things in between.

This reason happens because of circumstance which are beyond your or his control such as:

  • Having children together.
  • Working together.
  • Shared social group.
  • Close but separate family ties.

AND typically this reason happens because he broke up with you for whatever the reasons were and you would like the relationship to work through it, fix it, or continue to date.

There's no need to get into all reasons why the relationship didn't work out.

In conclusion...

Take it from a guy who spent half his lifetime in the friends zone with countless women that it's not a very complicated thing to figure out.

It's just hard to ADMIT or see the truth because when you're there - it SUCKS and feels AWFUL.

The reasons are quite simple:

No attraction and you put yourself there hoping or thinking or believing he's just not ready or will eventually make his move.

He put himself there hoping to get out later or sent you all the wrong signals making you believe he only wanted a friendship.

He's not interested in a relationship or commitment but wants to continue or at least sleep with you on "friendly" terms.

OR...

The relationship didn't work out or he figured out through dating you that he didn't want anything more and you have to stay friends strictly due to circumstances beyond your control.

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This article was posted in Are You Stuck In His Friends Zone? Going From Just Friends To Dating

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23 comments… add one
  • Nellie

    I’ve never been friendzoned before, it’s usually the other way around.

    I went on two dates with a guy, and he told me from the start that he just wants casual relationship and that he just wants sex.

    I told him from the start that I can’t give you what you want, and he was okay with that.

    We got on instantly, no awkwardness etc.

    He has been honest from the start and I’ve told him I’ve never done casual relationship and didn’t know what that is, he gave me 3 options, one of them was to be just friends and chill and nothing else.

    So I messaged him couple of days later after the second date, and that’s when he said that I should date other guys and that I should look for someone who wants the same thing as me.

    To be fair he sounded like he was in two minds with me in reference to casual relationship.

    He also said that he is seeing other women, who wants the same things as him.

    I asked him if I’m being friend zoned and I think he said up to you how you want to take it?

    He explained that I haven’t put him off and he just wants sex, and he can’t do long games, and he can’t just have kissing and biting, he wants more than that.

    At first he said he was patient and all, he understands that I’ve never done anything like that.

    I just can’t understand how men or women have meaningless sex.
    I’m trying to understand did I do something wrong? Atleast I know casual relationship isn’t for me, it’s so complicated.

    In addition he did say that I’m very rare person, and that we can still chat though, and he will be happy to give me guy advice and then he said maybe in the near future , if we’re on the same page then it might happen.

    I’m just taken back with what has happened!

    • Thanks for sharing Nellie.

      You were not “friend zoned”.

      I think we both know friend who are just friends, really don’t go around sleeping with each other or fool around on the side because then it becomes something else.

      I also don’t think you did anything wrong at all.

      If what he’s offering is not for you, then it’s all good to live your life the way you want to live it.

      All the best to you,

      Pete

  • Lola

    Hey peter. I feel like he just wasn’t attracted to me at first but I worry if I might have given mixed signals before him nd started this whole mess. Can u help me out. I got this friend I’ve known since we were teenagers. We are mid 20’s now nd have kids. When I first met him I was attracted to him. He didn’t give me that much time of day. A friend of mine that was trying to sleep with him told him I was interested. He confronted me nd I denied the accusation. He then said he only wants to be my friend nd wants to be a better friend than everyone else because he thinks everyone was using me. At one point in the beginning he beat someone up after they left my house because they were talking shit about me at a different house before coming over. He would always talk so nice about me and convince everyone around me that he just really cared for me as a friend. No one ever asked him so a lot of the time my friends would tell me he’s so interested in me. A little after we met I got into a relationship with my child’s father. And he was seeing others. Me nd that friend shared a house for a few months nd a business for a bit. Anytime I was around his guy friends with him he would always tell the guy that I was gay or something else. He always denied it and then say that it sounds crazy. He never invited his gf around the house but claimed he loved her? He was sleeping with girls and they would always try to tell me and him lied to pull us apart that the other one said. He also got my ex beat up after are break up At some point. After a few years nd a fall out after the business ended we had became friends again nd slept together. By the second time He lost our friendship morals nd started lying to me. He was sleeping with a mutual friend nd she was telling me every lie he told me to see her. I made it clear we were just friends with benefits and I’ve seen him do this a thousand times. Girls just fall in love with him. But if he was my friend he can’t lie to my face. He has lighted me and didn’t talk to me for another year. We are very distant now and when we still talk I’m left confused on what we have between us. We have a lot in common but we’re both major works in progress. I just wonder. Who started this back nd forth? Did I really mess this up for myself or was this always just friends for him? I’m sure we’ve shown each other the same amount of mixed signals but will we ever be able to discuss this? I fear if I bring this up he will say I’m crazy nd over thinking everything.

  • Mailey

    Hi Peter,

    Interesting read. I wonder if you can share your thoughts with me. I met this guy (I work on a project with him) and we sort of hit it of from the first time. On our next meeting, it’s obvious we’re sexually attracted to each other and we did it. We continued talking and being ‘friends’ until one day he randomly texted me that “I think we should just remain friends.” I agreed. We work together from time to time and we don’t want it to be weird in the future. After that, we met up again — and let our sexual urges get the best of us. We’re so attracted to each other but I don’t know why he said that. That night we did it again, we had this nice 4 hour long conversation about life and everything. I thought hey, I’d like to keep this guy in my life. It doesn’t have to be romantic or sexual, I felt like this person will add value to my life. So after that night, I was the one who said that we should be friends. Because I value him and a potential great friendship and a professional colleague, and I don’t want to risk any of that over our primal instincts. He agreed with everything I said. After that, when we met again — it was really nice. We had dinner, good conversation, I’d expect nothing less. We were at his place again like we used to watching our shows. We’re both very comfortable. It was very platonic for the next 3 hours until we just sort of let our bodies take over again. I am so confused. The next day we were talking and he said that we shouldn’t hookup again. and reminded me of what we talked about (keeping each other — it weighs more over sex). I’ve never had a guy friendzone me. It’s usually we just stop talking. What do I do in a situation like this?

    *Also, just fyi, beforehand we already talked about how we both can’t date anyone at the moment because we’re both really loaded with work and life (I’m working and going to school and he has a startup and works another job).

    Thank you in advance.

    • Hi Mailey and thank you,

      Okay so – you’re not really in the friends zone. He didn’t put you there. You just can not be in two places at once. If you two hanging out together always leads to sex – then that is what it is. IF he has stood by his word of only wanting to be a friend then you’d be friends zoned. I know it sounds oddly simple, but that’s the way it is.

      Listen, you both said you don’t have time to date AND if you’re both willing to give that up to be “just friends”, then again, this is what you’re going to get. A friend you sleep with once in a while, which unfortunately by my experience, you’ll be in a relationship that lacks any real definition and it’s likely to end badly because of that. Lines will be crossed, emotions will come out, one or both of you will yearn for more while the other will pull away – causing lots of “go nowhere” talks about how it’s not going to work out because you’re both… just “too busy”.

      I believe you know what needs to be done – the sex needs to stop if you’re to remain friends. The HOW that is going to happen is up to both of you to be strong and vigilant about because if it doesn’t – what’s going to happen when another person enters one or both of your lives where and when dating is a real option.

      I’ve heard it many times from men and women – they NEVER seem to have time to date because their focus is supposedly someplace else – UNTIL someone comes along to change it all.

      This is all coming down to finding balance in your life; for both of you to make a little room for each other because it’s obvious to me you BOTH need are in need of it right now whether you choose to believe it or see it or not. This “undefined” relationship is benefiting both of you BUT the undefined part will eventually hurt both of you.

      Those are the real issues here.

      What I see is that your definition (and his too) of what a relationship is “supposed to be” seems to be a little outdated. This means NOWHERE is it a written that an early relationship requires that you give up your life for another and are forced to give up your pursuit of career or whatever you like doing.

      Create a definition that works for both of you. Trust when you have another in your life that is simply there for intimacy, support, and to fill in the free time with fun and great conversations (sex included) you’ll find that pursuit of those other dreams are found so much easier… together.

      IF he doesn’t see it that way or cares to see it that way then you’re only a “friends with benefit” package until when? Someone “else” comes along that he’s ready and willing to work on that balance.

      If you don’t see it that way (the way in which I proposed) then you need to be honest with yourself more and get to the bottom of it all – you DO want it all – why would you wait when it feels like it’s being handed to you right now? You’re leaving the door wide open to regret and what ifs at a time in your life when you CAN handle it all.

      Can you see where I’m going with all this?

      Define this relationship.

      Give it a definition which fits for both of you and allows lots of time to pursue those other dreams. You just need to remain supportive and non-needy and give yourself a fair amount of time apart to work on those things without getting all angry and frustrated when at times – you can be with each other because of the other stuff that is going on.

      Bring ALL this up with him in a gentle supportive and non-pushy way. You’re not pushing for a relationship. You’re not asking him to commit. Just help him see and discuss what is really happening. Meaning do NOT go to him in a way that makes him feel like you’re asking for a commitment or pushing him to decide.

      You’ll either be pleasantly surprised by his positive reaction to my proposal OR he’ll pull away a little first – but that’s good because if he does pull away, tell you he needs time to think about it, he’ll consider it all like a man usually does in his own time AND keep in mind that time apart is not meant to be taken badly or negatively – it’s what men NEED to do (shameless plug here) which I cover FULLY in my book – “The Silent Man -Why Men Go Silent, Ignore You, Refuse or Won’t Share Their Feelings”.

      Now you have all your options – go where it takes you and PLEASE let me know how it all goes because I’m certainly curious as to how it all works out for both of you.

      Thanks for sharing and all the best to you,
      Pete

  • Candace

    I was friend zoned by a guy twice after dating. He kept putting himself in the friend zone. Even though I tried to make it obvious that I wanted to be more than friends. The first time I told him I couldn’t be his friend. But eventually felt bad and friended him again. Knowing deep down my feelings were still there. After this last break up I stated I couldn’t be his friend, and suggested he not string the next girl along. I no longer think about what could’ve been anymore. I need to realize why I keep getting in this cycle of one sided relationships.

    • Peter White

      Hello Candace – it just so happens the friends zone is a speciality of mine although I don’t talk about it so much more – kind of wore out the subject in my head.

      BUT I would suggest you read this two article. One I wrote and one I didn’t:

      When To Do When You Fall For Your Friend & He Doesn’t Feel The Same Way

      That is posted on my guys site. It has my three steps for getting out of the friends zone with a guy.

      This one is at what I call “the org” site and is not written by me but she has some great ideas and her stuff is solid:

      What If You Want MORE Than Friendship With Him? Your Unrequited Love

      I’m sorry to say it wasn’t a good thing to tell him you couldn’t just be friends with him BUT hey, it happens. I’ve made far worse mistakes. Especially when it came to the “friends zone”. The main goal now is to stop yourself from going there and you know that by what you said so it’s all good.

      Best of luck,
      Pete

  • Brandy

    Hi Peter,

    I loved this article! I am especially intrigued to know the solution to reason #1 for being in the friend zone. I went on two dates with a guy I met online; the first was fun and flirty with lots of light touching, and the second was flat. He told me he’d realized in between dates he was feeling me just as friends but didn’t say anything beforehand because he didn’t know how I was feeling. I felt a strong attraction to him even before the end of the first date and felt quite surprised and disappointed! We had great banter on site and in our initial phone calls, and we both prefer calling over texting so we do very little of the latter.

    He said some people just aren’t attracted to each other, and “the heart doesn’t have words for why I’m not feeling it for you.” He also said, “I LIKE you! I like who you are as a human being. You’re a great girl. You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re fun, and you’re driven to improve yourself, and that’s great! My *mind* IS feeling it.”

    We are both 35 and share a core interest in doing inner work through mindfulness and meditation, and we see much of life through the same lens. We have nerdy talks about science, and we make each other laugh. It seems like this guy can actually do the dance of intimacy and authenticity. He’s not currently seeing anyone else, and neither am I, and we both remain active on the dating site where we met looking for others to date. So how do I go about creating physical attraction with him? Or can you direct me to the article where you’ve addressed that? 🙂

    Thanks so much,
    Brandy

    • bam

      Brandy,
      I am in this exact situation. I would love to know any updates on how its going as I am lost on how to proceed.

  • Helen

    Hi Peter,
    So for curiosity’s sake, do men in general ever put you in the friend zone when they are attracted to you simply because they feel they are not in a position to pursue a relationship? Or else feel the responsibilities of a relationship in general are too much work?
    Thanks

    • Peter White

      Of course “Helen”. Men will put a woman in the friends zone IF they’re attracted to her but see no reason why a relationship can or would happen. But I will say, depending on the guy, he will mostly opt for a friends-with-benefits exchange first.

      You’re welcome,

      Superman

      • Helen

        Thanks Peter,
        In this case neither one of us are friends with benefits people, so that ruled out that option for him. An old family friend and both our family’s would kill us for such a decision. Despite that I feel as if he is both attracted to me and likes me as a person. Hence the question,
        Thanks again Superman.

  • Carey

    I need interpretation of the following texts all sent one right after the other, as I am totally lost. They seem clear individually, but sent one right after the other as a whole, very confounding.
    Text 1: I have said we are friends repeatedly
    Text 2: Do I think you’re hotter than fire and find you attractive? Hell yes
    Text 3: This is where I stand… I will not disrespect you

    So, what is he really saying here other than he is all over the place?
    Thanks for your help in translating his manspeak!

    • Peter White

      Hey Carey, I’ll see what I can do for you. 🙂

      But first, you must understand all I can do is put myself in his shoes, imagine I’m saying it, and see what I might mean. You must understand I’m not in his head. Thankfully because I have enough in my own head to deal with. Haha!!! I also have no idea what happened to lead up to his texts or your current “relationship” with him, if any.

      He was saying:

      “We are friends. I’m attracted to my friend… you. Except I feel IF I were to try and get past that and develop our friendship into something more, in other words, ‘make a move on you’ then I feel that would be disrespectful of you and our friendship.”

      In my words – he wants to be more than friends but is worried that if he tries to make it into something more, you will see him as less than who he is. This was HIS way of telling you he feels something more towards you than just a friend AND he wants more.

      You see, reading men isn’t that difficult at all because normally, we mean what we say. 😉

      TEXT 1: We’re friends, right?
      TEXT 2: Wow! You are so freaking hot I can’t help but to feel attracted to you.
      TEXT 3: Would it be so bad if we ended up together? Do you hate me for feeling this way? Would you feel disrespected or (more importantly) feel like I’ve been playing the friend angle just to get in your pants? Will you see me as those “other” guys who only see you as a body and not a mind?

      The last one says it all. Way too many guys think this way and way too many guys not only miss out on so much because of it but also tend to fool themselves into believing something else. That something else being, “I was attracted to you from the moment we met but I refrained from telling you, or doing something because I feel you’l believe I only want to get in your pants. SO I’ll respect you. Be your friend. And hope in the background YOU will make the first move making it OKAY for me to see you as something more than just a mind.

      Yeah, there’s more. It’s a nice guy thing typically. Did I myself. Learned better otherwise and also learned the whole “friendship” thing is normally a cop-out or an attempt to be better than those “other” guys.

      You’re welcome Carey. 😀

      Your “guy” friend who thinks you’re hot too. 😉

      Pete

      • Carey

        Thank you, Pete! My profile pic attached to the comment is rather stunning! Lol!

        He and I have been friends for over 12 years now and he has seen me through a rather tumultuous divorce and seemed to be making a start of a relationship last year, but suddenly changed his mind and said he wasn’t ready. I told him that while he is my best friend, it isn’t easy being tossed back into the friends zone after having him say that he was interested in furthering our relationship.

        He took offense (as did I) and we stopped talking several times, but apparently we both suck at silence (especially with one another) and can’t go 2 weeks without speaking.

        We do have a high respect for one another and we are each other’s “go-to” person when we need advice. He is my “person” (yes, using a Grey’s Anatomy reference, sorry). He truly is an amazing man, but I kinda just want to expose him to a chick flick sometimes or maybe just deny him some Jameson.

        And, for future reference, men ARE way more confusing than women, especially when the ol’ Alpha Male Syndrome kicks in. Thank you, again, for your candor!

        • Peter White

          You’re welcome Carey and yes, it’s quite the stunning profile pic. Very hot. Very sexy… grrrrr!!!

          Now what you said makes so much more sense.

          I reiterate. When he wrote “This is where I stand… I will not disrespect you” he is clearly telling you that he doesn’t want to string you along or lead you to believe something else. His respect for you is saying he will always be upfront and honest with you.

          Yeah, you can use all the Grey’s Anatomy references with me all you want but I won’t get them… I’m a guy. 😉 I don’t watch “chic flics”… ever Haha!!

          And please don’t deny the Jameson or force the chic flics on him. From me to you for him. :p

          Your future reference statement is duly noted. We shall agree to disagree. Then again I don’t find women all that confusing at all. Not even the slightest bit, so maybe you’re right. We’ll see. HAha!!

        • Carey

          It’s me again, dear. Lol…

          We had an in depth conversation a few days ago and he said that he thought he was able to have a romantic relationship with me last year, but that his work schedule and kid schedule basically left him no time and he didn’t feel it was fair. He never asked me whether I thought it was right and whether we could try to make adjustments.

          He has also said in the past that he wanted me in his life 20 years from now and didn’t want to lose me by attempting a romantic relationship at the wrong time. In out last discussion on the subject (I must admit, I have an undying need to understand and work through issues with all answers in front of me), he said that maybe in a year or two when things calmed down that we could have a relationship.

          I get more and more frustrated with it because I have always been open and honest with him and have to think that he isn’t losing anything by keeping me waiting in the wings while still getting what he wants. I love being his friend, but I truly believe that he and I could conquer the world if he would just give it a shot.

          He told me 6 months ago that I should date other people because he felt he wasn’t ready for a relationship. It was an almost overnight change which totally threw me for a loop. During those 6 months, I dated several men. I continued to treat my friend as my best friend and would voice my concerns about the men I was dating. My best friend has ALWAYS been protective of me, so his reactions to some of my issues with these men wasn’t surprising.

          Long story short, he admitted right after Christmas that it was very hurtful to him. I pointed out that I was following his wishes that I date other people and he admitted that he wasn’t the jealous type, but he had real issues with me actually doing it.

          I’m guessing you’re thinking I’m the biggest wench in the world. We weren’t in the best position to talk further about it, so I wrote him a letter stating that the last thing in this world I would want to do was hurt him, but that I was heartbroken when he told me to date other people. I let him know it was never my intention to hurt him and that I was sorry that I did.

          My question for you is this… Do I throw in the towel and stop telling him how I feel or do I let him broach the subject? Knowing our past friendship, am I being ridiculous for ever thinking there could be more there?

          I’m a damn good woman and feel like I shouldn’t wait if the possibility is nil to none. It gives me hope that he said we could try “in a year or two” but is it insane to wait with no definite yes?

        • Peter White

          Hello again Carey,

          He was hurt by you dating other people. I wouldn’t expect anything less from him. It just shows he cares. He told you because you’re his friend and him holding it inside would only mess him up. So it was good he got it out. That’s all.

          Now, you didn’t hurt him – he hurt himself. Not purposely. Because of circumstance he has or had to suffer with letting you go. This was HIS decision. These are things we suffer through or have to give up sometimes in support of our close family.

          You can not be held responsible for his choice so stop feeling so guilty about it. You were or are right there for him when and if he’s willing to balance one more thing in his life and he is NOT willing to accept the change.

          Okay, let’s be blunt. Let’s put it all out there… Imagine a guy trying to support his family. Trying to balance it all out. Trying to stay happy, in control, and be a Father. You have all the family issues to deal with. Work adds some pressure. Life is quick and requires a ton of strength to do it all by yourself.

          Those last three words says it all – at least from my perspective. ALL BY YOURSELF.

          Bad things have happened in society since man and/or woman have tried to do it all by themselves. When both man and woman started to need to work for financial stability, children lost out and bad things happened. Let’s not get into that too much right now but…

          You, him, need to understand why he would rather do it by himself over the support or two people getting a single “job” done with the added support of more time, emotional stuff, and everything which comes along with two people who love each other, helping each other through it all.

          It’s his choice to go at it alone without the benefit of a couple – meaning adding you to his life.

          When a guy with a family who is single believes or commits to the idea that adding a woman to his life (when she’s willing to help out in many ways) is more complicated than not having her around in a real relationship, I mean REAL, not just dating and hanging out, than it’s more likely that something else is going on.

          Which could mean anything from fear to self-doubt and on and on… chances are it’s personal OR he’s not really into you that much. Since we’re assuming he’s into you a lot then all we have left is his personal fears or doubts or why he would rather go at it alone and how that makes him feel maybe more important, more like a man, etc…

          Think about all that. 🙂

          Discuss THAT with him until you throw in the towel.

          I will say, if he can’t get past that or figure out his own personal demons or why he’s acting this way, then YES, move on as best you can and stop waiting for him to figure it all out.

          Best of luck to you because I know it’s tough to crack a man with the information I just gave you. 🙂

          Pete

        • Carey

          Well, I broke my own damn heart this time.

          I took your advice to heart and asked him why he thought doing it alone was better than with me. He said that I had done a few things that made him uncomfortable, all of which we then talked about in depth. I had no idea that it had made him feel that way until he told me when I asked. Now, these things happened several months ago and he just made me aware yesterday.

          In our heated discussion, he admitted that he is NOT divorced and that it was complicated in many ways. Aren’t they all?? In a moment of weakness for him (classic alpha male), he admitted that he was seeing a therapist and his life was in financial ruin due to his impending divorce. After that admission, he then told me it was none of my business, but he wasn’t interested in getting married again. This same discussion produced the fact that “a friend of a friend told me to stay away from you because of your ex-husband and all he put you through.” Admittedly, I came from a really unstable and emotionally abusive marriage not unscathed. I went to a counselor as did my oldest child (I was pregnant with the youngest). I still have my moments of terror but have worked through them fairly well considering. My best friend was totally aware of details unbeknownst to the friend who told him to stay away, yet he still stuck around.

          I am furious that he took that in to consideration when ending our budding relationship, but here’s the kicker… I think that all of his defensiveness is HIS way of feeling like a failure. I could tell when he let the therapist and money issues out that it was a complete surprise that he had blurted it out.

          I hope he knows that I want nothing more from him than him. I didn’t say it yesterday, but I feel that in our friendship over the years, he knows that I am certainly not a materialistic person. I never have been, even in the marriage from hell. I don’t need anyone to take care of me or my boys, as I have done it since the ex decided he didn’t want a family. No, it hasn’t been easy and I totally see where my best friend may feel like a failure because of it.

          The marriage issue is where I have problems. No, he and I never discussed it and in our conversation yesterday, he said to me, “I want you and your boys to be happy and taken care of.” Yes, it would be nice, but I never said that was what I wanted. He made that decision for me. I do eventually want to get remarried, but not right now. In the long run, my heart was set on my best friend.

          After apologizing for making him uncomfortable and asking what I could do to fix it, he said that it was water under the bridge and not to worry about it. How can I not? It obviously affected our relationship.

          In closing, he said, “I need you in my life in some capacity.” He has said it before and then said maybe in a year or two we can have relationship. The marriage thing is what is the ass-kicker here. Yes, it is a long term goal for me. So, I decided since he was feeling overwhelmed to give him space. I intend to not contact him until I am able to see clearly past the permanent friend-zoning that I feel occurred.

          My questions are as follows:

          1. Did I shoot myself in the foot by removing myself from his life while he feels so overwhelmed? He truly is my best friend no matter how frustrated I get with him, but I feel like I need to protect myself by killing whatever romantic feelings I have for him.

          2. Do men use their own personal failures as a way to push women away whom they truly care for? Again, he seemed embarrassed about the therapy and money problems.

          3. Why do men put women who they deem attractive and worthy in the friend-zone? Is it self-preservation while they better themselves? Is it really all we will ever be?

          4. What is the ultimate “no-contact period” to take without driving him completely away? I hope to get past the fairy tale (not really) in my head and finally be okay with just being his friend, but I feel like damage has already occurred because of his indecision and hot/cold attitude towards me.

          Thank you again for sharing your male insight, as it has proven to be very helpful in approaching him with my issues.

        • Peter White

          Carey,

          I doubt you’ll remove the attraction by removing yourself from his life. Although you might cause his trust of you to go down. Leaving a guy because you can’t have him fully when he is relying on you will definitely cause some trust issues. Not that they can’t be worked through. Just they will be there.

          I understand it’s a tough situation. I’ve been there myself and certainly just taking off, waiting out the attraction until it dissipates can and does work BUT it can take a long time. It can also come back easily. It’s what you do while you’re away which makes the difference.

          Your circumstance is different than my old ways because I was in the friends zone immediately. She (they) were not attracted to me anyways. So walking away was easy.

          #2 YES. Men will definitely use their own personal failures to push women away. Even if they don’t care for them. Men who feel like men despite their failures or issues will tend to keep women around.

          #3 Men put women they find attractive into the friends zone because they normally do not see that friend as someone they would want to be in relationship with. They don’t feel like it would work out.

          #4 There is no real no-contact period because each situation is a little different. Every does go through a period of shifts, according to age and body type and mental awareness or troubles which ranges from 3 weeks to nine months and sometimes beyond. People also base their mental time frames on their jobs which makes it a weekly thing for dating and relationships. More than once a week suggests more interest in a relationship. A few times a month suggests only a casually dating thing. Not that a man can switch from that routine based on how he feels, it’s just the pattern that emerges.

          So… in your case – half of what you’ve been contacting him is a good start. See how that works for you. If that half is less than a day, make sure it’s at least once a week.

          Pete

        • Carey

          I see what you did there, Pete!

          I also gave him time and space because I really feel like he is under a tremendous amount of pressure both personally and professionally. Right after our last argument, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I tried not telling him because of his statement about being “old faithful” previously, but folded when I really needed a friend to help me through and let him know that he is my rock.

          He said he would pray. That’s it. My Mom had surgery the next day and I have yet to hear a single word from him. Nothing in 11 days. No checking up on her. No checking up on me. No checking up on my Dad (whom he is friends with through me).

          Today I sent him an email because I got a new phone and sadly lost his numbers in the transition. I let him know that I no longer had his number and if he wants me to have it, he should text. I also have him the option of not giving me his number. In that, I ended with saying I missed him but understood his need for space. So far, more than 8 hours later, he still hasn’t responded.

          Why did he literally disappear when I admitted that I needed him? He swore we were still friends and even called me the nickname he knows I hate the last time we spoke. I pride myself on not “needing” anyone, so I am beyond hurt that he abandoned me after I told him that I needed him.

    • Lauren

      Yeah I have information more the author as well if a girl rejected to platonically she’s either too attracted to you or you might think you are a better friend when in reality I’m not really sure because I don’t know you that well or you might be dating the girl she hates or meybe your in a serious relationship no one wants to be friends with a guy that’s in a serious relationship trust me I tried it I’m a girl that if I like a guy and he won’t date me the friendship is automatically if no value at all that’s why I ended the friendship with Dominic and never went back I’m pretty sure I made the right decision because he wasn’t a very good friend if a guy is in a serious relationship then he’s automatically not a good friend at all and I’ve got other priorities like getting my anxiety under control getting a closer relationship with God and getting healthier in general

  • Paige

    I have a really strange situation where I believe #2 is probably accurate. The big part of mine is that the guy is married. He deals with me on many different levels (which he has created). (through work – he has become a client of mine and personal life – we hang out in married groups – I am married as well) I feel like we are really good friends, and I love that. The connection we have is simply amazing, but I am getting worried that I might be giving off the incorrect vibe. I want to keep our friendship (he’s like an awesome best friend…) because we have so much in common and I enjoy his company so much! However, I don’t want to “cross a line,” and as we deal with each other more and more (we met through our kids activities), I just want to keep that incredible friendship!

    I guess I want to know why is he keeping me close — being that he is most likely attracted to me. Am I safe? I don’t want anything to “happen.” I like where things are…. I absolutely LOVE the company!

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