"Hello … Well according the dating rules, I guess I blew it … 50+ year old guy … met online, got my number. We talked for hours on several days. This is in the span of almost 2 weeks. He would always text me first. I would wait until he did. We finally meet.
He took me around on his bike for hours. It lasted longer that we had expected. We had lunch and he took me back to my car. He was saying how good I smelled and he could not wait to see me again and we talked about things to do. He hugged me really really tight and he kissed me. He ended up getting an erection and said I should take that as a compliment. We were on a parking lot mind you. Said what a great kisser I was. I went home afterward. Heard nothing from him.
The date was Saturday morning. On Sunday I still had not heard anything from him since the date. I was debating, but I did text him thanking him for the bike ride date. He responded within 15 min. He said he had a great day and we should think of stuff to do. I answered him the next day. Said I would… We texted some more.
All positive and he then added how he would still think what a great kisser I was … Then silence again for another day. He had not done that the prior weeks. Would text or call me daily.
The next day in the afternoon after not hearing from him, I texted him it seemed we were moving on and good luck on the site. He responded he wanted us to keep in touch and that he though I was very nice. I responded that I did not get on that site to keep in touch with people. I told him there was no need to waste time. Wished him well. He went on to say he was sorry I had misunderstood ?!?! I was pissed …
Told him that in my ignorance I thought by being on a paid site it would weed out people who only wanted friend with benefits (I did not use that word) I thought we were done but he texted me again after a few hours.
He said he was sorry he had come across like that and he was not like that. I texted him back that there was no point in going back and forth. I thought he was different but it would have been too much to ask … Told him to knock himself out with his future endeavors. Obviously I got nothing back. I got on the site to un-match us .
A day later I was on the site again and saw that his profile had been pulled. He pulled himself off the site ! I am so confused. I feel I got several mixed signals. Keep in mind that he was the one initiating the texting and calling. Except after the first date.
What did I do wrong?
Why did he suspend his profile afterward. Please help me !"
Comment answer from First Date Confusion – He Doesn’t Call You Back! Is He Interested?
Hey Sandra you have a lot going on here - you and him.
Let's look at his side and I'll speculate based on my "why do guys" knowledge and experience:
A man is his 50+ years getting a hard on during a kiss tells me that he hasn't gotten any in a while, he's easily excitable, he's inexperienced, and he's a man. It's happened to me plenty of times during my younger years so I don't dismiss his ability - but know exactly where he's coming from.
This tells us a lot about him, why he's on the dating site, but little about his expectations or goals for being there.
Meaning he probably doesn't have a clear idea in his mind of what he's looking for or expects to find so you can assume and expect some disorientation and strange activity before and after the first date.
It also tells me something I guess only us guys know or what ever care to admit - EMBARRASSMENT!
If you don't know what it feels like to have this (the erection) happen to you, just after a kiss, it feels like we're scumbags, degenerates, not real men, and has us believing we blew it badly.
Now of course this says nothing about how we can spin it around or deal with it - but the feelings are there and you MUST keep that in mind after the date - because it's certainly a major clue as to why you didn't hear from him so quickly after and why he supposedly slithered away from you.
Give it a thought and it will make much more sense.
Now... on your end - it's hard to tell exactly how you want wrong before and during the date but after, it's very clear.
He appeared to take the lead at every step, felt terrible (probably) for the erection and thinking he messed things up - but then from what I see, you took the role of masculine leadership away from him.
When you did that, you emasculated him (something he already felt slightly) even more by contacting him without waiting or giving him the "male" opportunity" to continue based on his own confidence and belief in himself... in a timely manner.
You didn't screw it up based on dating rules - but because you didn't allow him the right time to do his thing and then - then you sort of reprimanded him and called it quits, basically telling him to screw off.
You made him feel like if he's not going to be your little follower or a guy who won't jump straight into texting and messaging all the time - ONLY after ONE date - then he should just go away.
Chances are - because me and lots of men have been there - he pulled his profile out of frustration and a VERY low belief in himself to court and pursue a woman in a decent way.
Meaning: a few things were constantly on his mind which I'll reveal below:
"I finally met someone. I'm old and online dating is so weird and confusing and I'm not used to it. I don't get women. I don't understand them and why I always screw it up with them. I have absolutely no control over my sexual side, probably won't last in bed, she will be dissatisfied, etc... So when I step back and need time to think about it all: I get the attitude that I'm a user, a piece of shit, only interested in sex, AND it appears everything I do turns out to be wrong... so why bother doing anything at all. I'll just excuse myself and go back to my life and hope something else happens so I'm not a lonely single guy anymore."
AND when you told a guy who thinks he's probably a decent guy that you "thought" he was different - you solidified everything he felt above causing him to fully retreat.
Trust me, when you tell an apparently decent guy you thought he was different, what he hears is that you believe he's a sex craved player just like all the rest of guys to whom he believes are the only ones that have any luck with women... and he's was just being nice and considerate.
Couple all that together, he pulls his profile and secludes back to thinking,
"Women don't like nice guys like me so why bother because it's the only person I know how to be."
You didn't get mixed signals - just an interpretation problem which is not uncommon.
PLEASE remember I do this stuff for a living and have spent my life as a man, and many of those years learning to read people, so THAT is not your fault.
Yes I know he was all "balls to the wall" when he met you - it's what type two guys do, it's all the know how to do.
BUT for every man there comes a time to retreat and think about things. How they screwed it up. What to do from here. And mostly just getting on with their daily living.
AND... trying VERY hard to not screw it all up.
His reasons are listed above and I'm sure there's a lot more I did not cover based on his inner belief system and experience with women over his years of interacting with them.
The lessons learned today are simple and easy to understand with the added bonus to implement some minor changes in your interactions with men, so things like this are far less likely to happen to you.
I realize how men can appear so confusing at times especially in cases like this, but I do hope I've let you see the male side of things in a way you can use for the rest of your dating and relationship life.
Follow the posts in the related section for more insight into situations like this and more.
- Why So Many Men Are Starting To Feel More Ugly Today – Inside & Out!
- Many Reasons A Guy Won’t Show Up For The Date After You Met Him Online
- A Month Of Texting, Tells You He Likes You, & Then Disappears – Here’s Why
- Why Men Don’t Want to Go Out With You Again
- Why You Need To Date Many Guys To Find Your One
- Why You Shouldn’t Write Him Off - How Many Dates You Must Go On First