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A Few Reasons Why Guys Are Not Always Upfront & Honest In Dating

in Dating, Reading A Man’s Mind
Men confuse women in dating. They don’t always know what they want.

More than a few women have come to me “complaining” that guys make dating very difficult because they’re not upfront about what they want. They say if men were more upfront, dating would be a more “pleasurable” experience and “we” would be all that much easier to understand…

Apparently you don’t like guessing. πŸ™‚

This problem is unfortunately not that simple making it appear we’re complicated creatures but I assure you, we’re not.

Telling a woman we’re only looking for sex is not usually in our best interest. You see, as guys, we just don’t see how most (if any) women can handle a purely sexual relationship.

A college fling of mine was told just that and she “said” it was okay but in reality, she was just using the sex to capture me. She was betting on “changing my mind” but she lost that bet. I was very clear with what I was looking for BUT since she made the first (and second move) and for a lack of getting it any place else, I accepted the sex after our “agreement” was settled.

Now I thought I was doing the “nice” thing by being upfront but was I really? The fact was that I was NOT that attracted to her but didn’t tell her… because that would be mean.

The truth is: She was okay. Not my type. I didn’t feel much for her body. Most importantly, to understand us guys, she did not match the image I had in my head of the woman I wanted to be my girlfriend and being a stubborn prick with women, I refused to settle for anything less.

Could I have told her that and still got laid? Probably not but in my defense, I was young, desperate, and had only been with one girl before her.

After our “weekend” I expected her to back off but instead she played the “I might be pregnant” card and after learning it was a lie to keep me around, we NEVER spoke again.

So – I think you’ll find most men rarely (if ever) believe a woman will ever just settle for sex. At least in the beginning. It seems like it’s either used to “up-sell” a relationship or used to build something more. Not that it’s a rouse but because feelings get all mixed up and come into play – just sex is better left to one night stands where we just don’t know each other at all.

And that’s just the beginning of the sex part.

I‘m not going to speak for all men here but just maybe I’m right because, well, I AM a guy. Yes, an overly sexual guy but who is to say we’re not ALL that way anyways.

When I see a woman and I’m attracted to her – I want to have sex with her. There’s no wiggle room here. I either do or don’t. So you know, it does not mean that’s all I will ever want or if I will actually follow through with it. It’s simply a feeling and beyond that, there are more factors in play.

When I first meet a woman I’m NEVER thinking relationship. I don’t contemplate if she’s make a great girlfriend or not. It’s never an instant decision or feeling like the sex part.

Let’s say we go on a date or begin to talk more. Let’s also assume I am attracted to her or else I wouldn’t be going out with her anyways.

So the sex part is still there. I still want it because I’m physically attracted to her.

However I’m not yet convinced about the relationship part because that takes time. I need time to decide a few things. I need time to figure out whether we’d be good together or if it’s worth trying or not.

Can you see where we’re going?

The sex part could ruin the relationship end and since I’m still not decided, I couldn’t possibly tell her I’m only looking for sex UNTIL I’m sure there’s no chance of a relationship happening.

Of course none of that makes it clear where we’re at, whether I’m actually willing or ready for a relationship.

I could feel it by the third date, not feel it the fifth time we see each other, and start feeling it again eight months down the road.

All the while, if I’m still extremely physically attracted to her – well then I want the sex part. πŸ˜‰

Who could blame me?

Some of you women are so utterly desirable and sexual I want to know how its feels to “be” with you sexually.

That’s the dating end of things and yes, it’s not all covered but I’m not writing a book here. Just merely passing on some information you may or may not know about guys.

I completely understand there are men who are out looking for “just sex” and are not forthcoming about it. The pretend date you trying for the sweet prize and sometimes string you along until it happens. After which they either disappear or “excruciatingly slow” turn into somebody else. Leaving you hurt, angry, and confused from the deception.

Be assured those guys are NOT as numerous as it might appear.

Most men first are physically attracted to you in some way. Choose to date you. Over time they’re deciding whether a relationship would be cool and enter one way too early. Therefore backing out after realizing it’s not what they wanted anyways.

Making a huge point for men AND women.

It’s hard to be upfront and honest when we ourselves don’t know what we really want (or need) and often those wants and needs change as we grow closer to one another.

Most of us “think” we know what we need but until those needs are met, how do we really know it’s exactly what we need.


Most of us “want” things and we might be clear about them to ourselves but not all those wants are good for us.

So you can, aside from the rare lies or deception,

Men are not always sure what they want in those early moments.

If they’re physically attracted to you, they DO want sex with the possibility of something else happening but telling you that, would probably ruin the possibility of something else happening. At least that’s what they believe or feel.

Most men want to casually date for a limited period of time to decide where to go from there and most will accept the sexual part regardless. At some point they might decide otherwise but since the sex complicated things, it often becomes confusing during the break up. It can and will “feel” like you’ve been used.

To further complicate it all – We (us guys) can and do become more physically attracted to a woman.

Our attraction trigger tends to change with age, personality, experience, closeness, mental and/or physical wellness, what we think we need, what we think we want, what we think we can’t have, and of course what we firmly believe we CAN have.

But let’s not get into all the today, okay? πŸ™‚

Peter White. Revealing the secret world of men because we’re not all that obvious. πŸ˜‰ Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thank you for everything.

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4 comments… add one
  • Carey

    What causes the overnight change from “I love you” to “I’m not ready”?

    • Peter White

      Hey Carey,

      I’m sure it varies from guy to guy and from situation to situation but I will say is that us guys tend to live day to day. Generally speaking of course because you’ll always find men who tend to live either too much in the past or too much in the future.

      Aside from them or not – this day to day thing often confuses women because on some days you are our everything and it feels right. On other days when we might get frustrated and question the whole thing. On some days we feel trapped and start to miss our freedom. So, depending on our mood and thoughts for the day, it’s all too easy to say ” I love you” but the next day we’re thinking about the consequences of those words.

      Maybe we’re a little indecisive but I don’t think it’s that at all. It’s definitely more of HOW we’re feeling at that particular time. That time could be a day or a week or a month before it all catches up with us.

      I believe women change their mood quite often based on many different things and stimulus and although some guys are like that, most of us are not. So if you put it in that perspective, while your mood or emotions might change up to three times in one hour, it takes much longer for us…

      When we’re happy we stay that way until something changes it. When we’re sad, it stays that way for a while. When we’re in love we feel in love until something else happens… which is usually fear, a fear of loss of freedom, a feeling of not being a capable provider. So we still feel in love but when too many future thoughts scare us or make us question if it’s right – we back down.

      Now don’t get me wrong men CAN emotional shift on a dime but it’s usually anger and not love. Anger for lots of guys happens quick and often dissipates rather quickly which is often replaced by something else.

      Love lingers longer and is not often replaced by anything else.

      The REAL problem here is then assuming when a guy says he loves you, that he is ready. When it’s not always or often true. “I love you” is simply an expression of how we feel and not a declaration of the future. “I love you” is how we’re feeling in that moment (when it’s said from the heart). The next day, when we say “We’re not ready…” THAT is us saying exactly what it means. We love you but we’re not ready (not sure, not confident, not assured) for whatever those personal reasons are which can be anything.

      So yes, it’s true, most of our emotions do change slowly. When a guy falls in real love with a woman it could last a lifetime or so he’ll believe it BUT it in no way means he’s ready, willing, or feels capable of making it into something more.

      Hope that helps you out Carey and doesn’t confuse you more. πŸ™‚

      Remember – guys have a difficult time communicating certain things and we’re generally very straightforward. At least we believe we are.

      Your guy friend,


  • Jordan

    Hi Pete ,

    My problem is I have been on and off with the same guy for almost a year now . I have dated a few people in between the time that we were not together but we got back together and he has been ignoring talking to me face to face . He will send texts and tell me how he feels but he reasoning for not coming up to me is because he has family issues at the moment but never wants to talk about it . He wants to be single but wants a relationship at the same time . If I want to meet somewhere he will blow me off and not show up . I am very hurt and confused . He wants to be sexual but how can I if he can’t carry a simple conversation with me ?

    • Peter White

      Hi Jordan,

      I believe you said it all – he’s confused. He doesn’t know what he wants. He can sleep with you but not talk to you.

      IF a guy is talking about wanting a relationship and wanting to be single at the same time – he’s simply not feeling the commitment. Guys who are ready and capable and meet a woman where they feel like she could possibly be the one, ACT like it.

      No “face to face” means a lot here. He’s avoiding something. He’s not saying anything real. He’s blowing you off. ALL are clear signs that more in going on the background which you don’t know about AND he’s probably just “keeping you around” just in case. The just in case can be anything from sex to the occasional Ego boost.

      Wishing you the best Jordan,

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