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An Attractive Virgin Wants To Know, Was He Only Looking For Sex? Scared Of Being Single And Lonely

An Attractive Virgin Wants To Know, Was He Only Looking For Sex? Scared Of Being Single And Lonely post image

Hey Pete, I just started nursing school and i’m friends with this guy. I didn’t like him initially. But after we exchanged numbers , we could text all day. He always initiates the text. Well I am a woman, so i got carried away, with all the attention I was getting. I ended up tellin him a whole lot about myself. And how i’m still not ready to lose my virginity. We argued a lot , and our last argument was last month, which he stopped responding to my texts and moved on to another girl from the same class. When he sees me, he pretends we were never the best of friends, he just says hi and passby…. Well he clearly told me he wasn’t interested in me at first, yet he was always flirting with me. Called me boring sometimes because I don’t party or drink. Not to toot my own horn but ”i fall under the attractive ladies category” lol. I get compliment s from both men and women, classmates. Men that come into my life always come because of my physical appearance… But ones they realize they ain’t getting what they are looking for, they leave me hanging. I’m still young but sometimes I get scared i will be single and lonely. How can I get them to stay and do you think my friend was genuine or just one of those jerks I usually allow in my life?

I must say, "Thank You!" I love it when a woman really makes me think....

I love it when a sincere genuine "problem" makes me think and wonder and fantasize... and at the same time make me question whether I can show even just one woman my best advice for getting a real ma to stay in her life - despite her decision of virginity.

"Hey Attractive Lady Liz,"

I will first give you some insights into how some men work the young attractive ladies category, nurses and all.

  1. Pretend you're not (really) interested in a beautiful woman so we appear different. The last thing we want is to come off like every other guy who probably kisses your asses because you're pretty or hot.
  2. Flirt with her on top of the "#1. Negging." Shows we're clever, not totally against how you look. How we're capable or not scared around a beautiful woman. Like we're used to being around the so-called "hot" nurses 🙂 therefore giving us a (semi) pre-selected status.
  3. Bust her ass. Have fun with her. Be light-hearted. Sometimes called the "treat her like a bratty little sister routine." Maintain a high status almost like we're appalled at your choices which are not really a big deal at all.

We teach guys to do things is because they DO work and when done right they help guys to overcome the many fears they have around attractive women.

After all you must admit, whether they're doing it in purpose or not, the alternative boring guy who only kisses your ass and follows you around helplessly does very little to create attraction.

And yes - that works extremely well on women who may not "like us" at first because, where a man can feel attraction almost instantly, some women take time and need to be "revved" up so to speak.  😉  In many ways including and up to the bedroom.

Another thing about men is - it appears from day one of puberty, virginity is something we try to get rid of quickly. I guess it's a man thing.

Something to prove we're masculine men and the younger the better. I can not get into all the reasons behind it just yet because it would take away from our purpose - but it does help us to see the difference.

Like how some women want to keep it and cherish it. How others may feel it's a burden to stay that way and that it does push some men away. Especially if she's attractive AND alluring.

While the burden of a man staying a virgin is a "smack" against his manhood, as a woman it can either be a tool when used wrongly, or a remarkable one-time gift to the one man she's willing to give (it) to. Making him the most special "man" in the world. Onto your friend.... I suppose it's how you define genuine.

You see for us guys, sex is important. Becoming physically intimate is the one way we can show a woman we care with the best of our abilities. Not by words, but by action or by being active.

Some men will not accept anything less but that doesn't mean they were only interested in sleeping with you. It doesn't make him a jerk in my book. Just like it's YOUR choice to say a virgin, it's HIS choice to ONLY be with a woman who will (sooner or later) have sex with him.

To each their own as they say and for some guys it's a non-breakable rule.

I wish I could tell you this guy wanted more at first but couldn't get past the "getting some" part but the only way to find out for sure is to look into his past decisions.

Men who typically use those three items I mentioned to get women into bed quickly just to leave them, or the jerks or players, have, in the past, done it before many times. They'll continue to use what worked until they realize or want something more.

You can also look at his future and the women he only interacts with...

Since he moved on quickly without any real emotions, left you quickly, and went straight to the next one without any signs of empathy towards your very personal decisions - I'll make a harsh judgement on him and say - Yes, he was playing you for sex.


Real men will always respect your personal decisions you make about your body and your sexual preference.

Remember REAL men will respect your decisions.

They may not enter a relationship with you but if you're cool enough to be around - I say having an attractive virgin girl (friend) to shoot the shit with can be a lot of fun and a great break. Everyone has something real to give and lots of friends (not matter what they choose) is never a bad thing.

But that's my opinion and the way I typically run my life.

I'm also one of those "un-breakable" rules guys. I just can not see myself in a long-term committed relationship with a woman where we are not practicing "safe sex."

Thinking about your dilemma on keeping the right man or men around who are not bent on getting you in bed first, I can imagine I may not be capable of helping you because for me, it probably wouldn't happen.

I would hate to push you on the overly religious man, the determined abstinent guy, or even a guy who is so terrible with women he'd have no choice but to honor you forever until you're ready.

Maybe you'll meet one of those types and just maybe you'll feel attracted to one of them. I can at least hope you will but I know attraction doesn't work that way. You're not going to choose to feel something, it's just going to happen and you can only hope it happens with the perfect guy for you.

A part of me wants to tell you to hold back your private information on virginity until he (or they) proves, without a doubt, his sincerity, his moral compass, and his strength of restraint on top of many other things.

A part of me wants to say you must be stronger than most even if it's unfair to ask. You must be open to allow (the proven guys) to explore their own desires for sex with others. Then again - I assume when I'm casually dating a highly sought woman, she's dating other guys and is probably having sex with them from time to time. So she must expect the same from me.

There goes the "be stronger" part.  🙂

Just be aware.

Accept reality for what it is and don't delude yourself in fantasy just to spare you from the truth. After all, just doing any of that competently is a mark of a person with extreme high self-esteem.

From all that I can now see clearly your "problem" is not your virginity. It's not even being scared of ending up single and alone. That fear is something we all share and is completely understandable.

All you have to do is maintain your esteem which in part means taking responsibility for your choices and that they are yours to make.

Focus on what makes YOU happy and where YOU want your life to go.

Don't allow your physical beauty to suffer because at times it WILL feel more like a curse than a good thing. (In fact I knew one woman who let her looks slide because she was a virgin and attractive and grew tired of men wanting more. Her solution was to let herself go but I feel in the process she probably lost herself and succumbed to the will of the world.)

Understand, as each and every man you meet who either tries to play you, or who runs because he wants sex, is in reality an asset.

You see way too many women have trouble seeing past some men's ways and they fall "prey" to him until his real self comes through making the break ups often hurtful and harder.

You have seen more advances, and have learned more tricks, and are gaining the ability to see and reveal a man's true character.

And that, "Attractive Liz" is an asset because you could teach other women this ability.

Whatever you do, do NOT hold back from experiencing life. Don't avoid places because there may be some skeezy men there. That's not fair to you. And again, this information you have, hold private and never feel like a man must know it before he proves himself ahhh "worthy?"

If you want a crazy example, think of a guy whose life revolves around the man in his pants.

And this man feels unworthy, small, and may not know how to perform properly. To him this may feel like it's going to keep him alone and will definitely keep him scared. All of that is probably in his head and I'm sure he has all the parts necessary. But it's his "choice" to stay less-informed and inferior because he refuses to accept reality and work on his self-esteem.

Well you wouldn't ask that guy, when he meets a woman he really likes, to state...

"Hey. I have no confidence in bed and I probably won't be able to take care of that for you. But if you're okay with it, then we should continue."

Of course your choice is not the same but the analogy works because both of you feel it's stopping you from something you want.

Either way you can get force a man to stay so I wouldn't suggest you even trying.

The right ones will I highly doubt you'll be able to stop them from wanting to be in your life one way or another, sex or no sex, relationship or no relationship.

Thanks for writing in Liz and I do hope we've rested your mind a little, cleared up your friends real intentions, and given you a slightly different view of your virginity and how you deal with it all in the future.

As long-winded as I get... I think I'm out of breath. 😀

Best of luck and you know what to do if you have any more questions, follow ups, and anything else which may come up... Pete

(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )
About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.
5 comments… add one
  • Liz

    Omg Pete,
    You sure have rested my mind…..Thank you……”Becoming physically intimate is the one way we can show a woman we care”. Can’t speak for every woman, but I have a feeling most women wouldn’t consider that as an affection or care. Well either way, its still true about men.
    So one thing I noticed about my self is; I try to compromise soooooo much in relationships. The little affection a guy shows, I start acting all needy….not a stalker but just wanting to prove to them I want them in my life. That’s when their attitude change. Start being all disrespectful and if they realize they not getting it, then its a double whammy…….Attractive, but have low self-esteem and not giving it up. That’s seriously a turn off……even if im the guy…… Lol. It happened with the first guy. I used my naivity as an excuse. Second guy well same thing., then the 3rd ……how can i stop that….cus honestly Pete, to have a guy tell u, ”Liz, please control yourself when you are around me”. That’s embarrassing. But i can’t seem to put that under control. Is it because of my lack of experience?? How can I stop?

    • You’re welcome Liz.

      Hmmmm…. When I hear someone mention they can not control something which feels internal I get the picture of someone who needs to be in charge of their destiny to make it happen. They may also feel “if you need something done right, you have to do it yourself.”

      Ever consider your virginity is run by the same rules. As long as you keep it, you’re in charge of your body. Since you find it difficult to control yourself in some circumstances with men, you sublimate and try to find power another way.

      If you’re successful doing this in your career and are making the right decisions then you could easily believe you can use those same strengths in your relationships with men and if that doesn’t work, then at least you always feel in charge of your virginity.

      I understand being attractive may sometimes feel like other people put pressure on you. Like, just by how you look, you know how to please a man. But the lower self-esteem is kind of making you feel you don’t know how to please a guy. I mean you know how to turn him on but you don’t feel capable of keeping him (unless you give it up.) And the harder you try the more you push him away.

      By not giving it up you maintain the control you seek to do things your way. On your terms. Relying on no one but yourself and having no one to blame but yourself.

      Now all this is fine, I see nothing wrong with maintaining your “purity” and doing what you feel is the right thing for you.

      However a big piece of achieving higher self-esteem is self-acceptance. Which may mean accepting your self-confidence, your fears, your trying to control things, not letting others do what you can do best for yourself, your virginity, and your doubts in your abilities with men are all connected.

      Self acceptance does NOT mean giving up control over everything. It is simply a clever way of admitting, “You don’t have control over everything BUT that (in no way) is connected to how much value you put in yourself.”

      Like imagine in your heart you so desperately want to feed the world but no matter how hard you try, you can’t do it alone. You can either accept that fact and understand you’re doing all you can to the best of your ability at any given time, or you could make yourself feel like a failure because you can not feed the entire world yourself. Which is absurd.

      See the difference?

      When you tie your self-esteem to your successes (trying to succeed in a way is trying to control an outcome we have no control over) how much value you put on yourself will always be connected to how good you are at something, regardless of what that something is.

      Consider your self-esteem, and how good you feel about yourself, and the reality you create; your mark as a person has little to do with your success in the outside world. It’s a feeling. It’s internal. It’s a state of mind.

      Accept the difference between success and value and your esteem goes up which in turn gives you more control over being needy (or overly affectionate) around men. Accept the truths of your virginity and the all the reasons you are choosing it and how it may be connected to your self-esteem but don’t devalue yourself because of it – just understand and accept it. Which in turn raises your esteem, etc…

      I’ve learned to accept what I may feel as failures in my life as just outcomes based on my decisions (the good and bad,) but I refuse to believe those failures are a real measurement of my self-worth.

      Let’s see if we can get you there Liz, 🙂


  • Liz

    Thanks Pete……you are awesome. Will start working on myself…. I will accept and believe in myself, embrace my flaws & focus on my career. Thank s once again. This conversation has really been an eye opener.

    • You’re welcome Liz. And I’m sure you’ll succeed in anything and everything you put your mind too.

  • Same Here!

    Hi Pete, I’d like to start off by saying I really enjoy your work! It’s almost uncanny how similar Liz’s situation is to my own. Like Liz, I’m also a woman who is often told that I’m attractive, but when it comes to my interactions with men who show interest in me and who I’m interested in too, I struggle with confidence and self-esteem. It’s funny because even though I’m usually a cool, laid-back kind of person, my feeling and emotions sometimes get the better of me when I’m around a guy I like. In the past, I would hide this behind a cool and aloof facade, but then when I realized I was pushing people away, I tried to overcompensate by kind of going the other extreme, (nothing over the top or crazy, ha ha) just paying them more attention than I usually do, and trying to maintain/increase the connection, but then seemingly ending saying things that I think may come across as weird and awkward. When this happens I feel embarrassed, self-conscious, and mentally going over what I said (or shouldn’t have said.)
    An example of this was when I met a guy at school who seemed to show interest in me by smiling and sort of hovering being around me, but who I didn’t initially reciprocate to because (and I don’t mean to sound superficial) at the time, I didn’t think he was my type, physically or emotionally, (I’ve since gotten rid of that limiting notion of the whole “type” b.s.) However, when we were assigned to work together on a group project and as I got to know him, I started to like him more and more. And in turn, he seemed to respond positively to my warming up to him. I know this sounds good, but the trouble is, sometimes when I meet someone I like and who seems to feel the same about me, I become eager to make and maintain a connection. If I feel that I haven’t tried hard enough, then I feel that I may miss my chance, which has happened so many times in the past, and has left me feeling quite anxious, sad and regretful. So to avoid that, I try to be warm, friendly and open, but I just wonder if sometimes I may come across as trying a little too hard. I get caught in trying to say the right thing, in the right way, at the right time, and I think it sometimes ends up coming across as completely differently than I intended. And if I feel that I may said or done the wrong thing, sometimes I’ll bring it up later to them to try and explain what I meant (so analytical I am!) The trouble is at that point, they’ve usually forgotten or they just don’t care, and then I feel that they may think I’m a weirdo or something. (Lol, and they say this awkward stuff is supposed to be over after high school)

    Sometimes when people back away, I feel alienated and rejected. It’s frustrating because I’ve also had people tell me I have qualities that most would say makes a person likable or even envied, such as intelligence, sense of humor, friendliness and being caring (don’t mean to boast, this is just what others have told me.) For example, when we had a presentation for the group project we were working on, I was tired that day, and missed and stammered with some of my lines, I think this was due to my nervousness about my new-found feelings and lack of sleep the night before. Although I managed to get through it and we received a good grade, I felt regret and some embarrassment and that I somehow let my group down for not doing a better job. It really would have meant a lot for me to do better, especially since it was my last presentation before graduation. I was fine during the practice presentation and participated a lot by brainstorming and coming up with ideas for the assignment, so I wasn’t expecting that would be the outcome.

    I guess all wasn’t lost though, because the following week when I saw this guy again in class, I managed to regain some of my composure and we had a nice chat. However, I think part of regaining my cool came from finding out he had a girlfriend (why do some guys show interest when they already have girlfriends?) I found this out when I saw him holding hands with this girl in the hallway, and since I’m not one to pursue unavailable men, I realized that I would need to change my approach. I was still polite and friendly, but more cool and casual when I realized he was taken. It still hurt, but I just felt like it was the right thing to do. I know I need to gain some balance and not lose myself when I experience the excitement of an attraction, I’m just entirely clear how to go about this. Your perspective on my situation would be greatly appreciated!

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