"Hey Pete, I just started nursing school and i’m friends with this guy. I didn’t like him initially. But after we exchanged numbers , we could text all day. He always initiates the text.
Well I am a woman, so I got carried away, with all the attention I was getting. I ended up telling him a whole lot about myself...
And how i’m still not ready to lose my virginity.
We argued a lot , and our last argument was last month, which he stopped responding to my texts and moved on to another girl from the same class.
When he sees me, he pretends we were never the best of friends, he just says hi and passes by….
Well he clearly told me he wasn’t interested in me at first, yet he was always flirting with me.
Called me boring sometimes because I don’t party or drink. Not to toot my own horn but 'i fall under the attractive ladies category' lol.
I get compliments from both men and women, classmates. Men that come into my life always come because of my physical appearance…
But once they realize they ain’t getting what they are looking for, they leave me hanging.
I’m still young but sometimes I get scared i will be single and lonely.
How can I get them to stay and do you think my friend was genuine or just one of those jerks I usually allow in my life?"
He's a more than just your typical type one kind of guy. Here's what he did so you know how these guys "operate" - pun not intended "hot nurse". Keep in mind type ones can be bad or good AND they have more options to go either way.
They'll act aloof and a little crass too. Which is why you probably didn't like him at first. They'll "pretend" they're not interested in you knowing full well you get plenty of attention from other guys... just not him because he's "not" like that - he's different.
At least that is how he'll make you feel.
Once the first interactions start they might "neg" you a little and treat you like their "bratty little sister".
The Neg is a backhanded compliment which supposed is designed to make you think (again) he would not be interested in someone like "you", downplay your attractiveness, boost his status compared to yours, and to "nicely" put you down in an effort to get you chasing him.
The bratty little sister routine is called that because the intent is to make you feel like you've known him forever and he feels comfortable around you unlike those "other" guys who act all nervous and are always trying to seek your approval.
He'll bust your ass a lot, suspiciously accuse you of things like "being boring because you don't part or drunk", and sometimes even play fight with you or do stupid things like the old childish, "I'm not touching you... I'm not touching you..." game.
Based on those actions above, the fact he got your number quickly, AND that he quickly moved on to another girl - tells me he's a type one.
Unfortunately knowing if he's a bad one of a good one is very hard to tell from my little knowledge of your situation.
The only clues I have to go on which tells me he was only interested in sleeping with you (at first) and that he's one of the bad ones are:
- He went straight for another girl who was in your class - the better guys might refrain from trying to date someone so close to you.
- He gave you lots of attention AFTER treating you like he wasn't interested in you - typical player move.
In my book below - "Understanding Men Made Simple" I give you lots of questions and traits to look for which tells you the difference between the good ones and bad ones. It comes down to CHARACTER traits so to figure his intention out - you must find out that first because you can know without a doubt - if he's a player or not.
Also - since you failed to mention what the arguments you had with him were about I can not go in that direction. Unfortunately that kind of information is very helpful because early fights say a lot about a man and can tell you if his intention was purely sexual or not.
Lastly - for the opening of this post and whether you were being used or played - I'm going assume that since you have a short history of allowing jerks into your life AND from what you read above... it's a very safe bet HE was one of them too.
As for him pretending you were not best of friends after all this went down and barely saying Hi or acknowledging you - I'm going to be pretty blunt:
You were NOT best of friends so I wouldn't expect him to act this way. This was a dating thing and nothing more. Whatever he told you to make you feel like it was a friendship or did in a friendly way was HIS manner of courtship and nothing more.
Moving on to you...
EVERYONE gets scared, it's okay. You're not destined to be single or lonely just because you want to keep your virginity - trust that's a very rare case and if you do things right I guarantee it will not happen to you.
BUT you certainly must learn to tell the difference between a real genuine man and some jerk who is out to play you.
Start being MORE cautious around guys who YOU don't think want you at first or act that way and don't trust their sincerity if all of a sudden they start showering you with attention.
You see - all those other guys who you said come into your life because of your physical appearance and then disappeared after they find out you're not willing to put out - you probably didn't want them anyways so their attention didn't affect you at all.
It appears the ones who don't want you at first, while all the other ones are fawning over you but THEY barely pay attention to you - those are the ones who seem to gain and have control over you and your actions towards them.
And that needs to stop or else you will open yourself up to being played, used, and then constantly hurt. They will certainly make you feel like you're going to be alone and single the rest of your life because they'll use that angle or even argument to get in you pants. That is their GAME.
Keep your eyes and ears open for the pattern - give yourself more attention - understand you're a great woman regardless of the approval or disapproval or attention you get from others - and BELIEVE in yourself... and you'll quickly find NO guy can ever control you or ever make you feel less than the person you are inside.
Let's move on to "not" losing your virginity and how it affects you dating life and future relationships with men.
Men want to get rid of it quickly - as if it's a burden to have and a knock on their "growing into the masculine guy" they aim to be as they mature.
After the virginity is lost it's very clear sex becomes a little something different to a guy but still holds his self-belief and he connects it with being a man. The difference becomes more of a way to deeply connect with a woman.
When he learns pleasing a woman sexually (and in other ways too) is tied to his manhood and ability to have and hold a woman - he realizes pleasing a woman gives him pleasure too and the pattern is set for his life.
He also learns that becoming physically intimate is the one way he can show a woman he cares with the best of his abilities as only a man can do. (Generally speaking of course.)
Men often struggle with words and being physical is an ACTION he can take which sort of proves his love to a woman - by pleasing her. While he may fail at proving his love or himself vocally - he'll try to make up for in bed or by being intimate with a woman in many ways not just reserved for intercourse.
This means you're going to meet men who make sex a deal-breaker. If they don't get it early enough - they'll either walk away, give up, or play some pretty stupid games to make it happen much too early in the dating process.
For the guys who are genuine - you must accept the fact that is their CHOICE to make and it doesn't make them a jerk - just the same as it's YOUR choice to remain a virgin.
REAL men will respect your decision one way or another. They may not enter a relationship with you because of it but there's little you can do about it because it's their belief system and changing it or trying to change that system on someone you plan on dating is one of the WORST things you can do to a guy.
If you imagine a man trying to talk you into losing your virginity to him - there's no difference - that's your belief system - and you wouldn't want him to try and change it.
How to handle your virginity or talk about it and its relationship to meeting men.
The common advice would probably push you into meeting more strict religious men. Assuming their faith is real and not just something they do out of past family value.
Another piece of advice would be to attend anything (as time permits) where abstinence is supported by the group as a way of life. I'm sure you'll meet plenty of guys willing to wait for you there.
I'd hate to tell you to just find or meet men who are absolutely terrible with women because that would leave them no choice but to honor you forever until you're ready for it.
That is a possible solution for your problem and not that those guys are not good in their own right - just that limiting your options to men who don't know how to make you feel great inside is not something which would help you in the end. You'll probably end up regretting it or him eventually.
It's easy to see NONE of those options are great. They're okay but they limit yourself and they certainly narrow down your field of choices in men - and when you have little choice - you might settle for some dude who is okay - just not perfect for you.
Let's go another direction also.
When a man and woman are actively search for a long-term relationship and a life partner - SEX must not come early.
Physical interaction is okay (kissing, hugging, cuddling) and recommended but getting into bed quickly often ends badly for both because chemistry takes over and blinds them to see who they're getting involved with and it typically stops them from building a solid foundation which is needed for a relationship to work.
Going from a mostly and heavy sexual relationship into something longer lasting is practically impossible.
Which is GREAT news for you!
This article isn't fully connected to your situation but I feel it explains why sexual intimacy is not a good thing and shows you a completely more positive side to why it must be held back:
It's clear your problem here in dating and relationships is not your virginity so to speak.
- It's how you communicate this choice to men....
- The types of men you intend to or do date...
- Your fear of being single and alone because of this choice...
- AND you seeing your virginity as something that's going to hold you back. A roadblock instead of just a choice of direction.
Here's what you can do...
First - Tell yourself this choice you're making is not the wrong choice. It's not a hindrance. It actually gives you every opportunity to form a deep relationship with a man built on something more than just sex.
Second - It's not your early responsibility to tell a man you're a virgin and you intend to stay that way. Sure it's information he might want to know if it goes against his beliefs so he doesn't waste his or your time BUT there are ways in which you can communicate this information which will draw the better man closer and slam the door shut to guys who are not good for you anyways.
Rori Raye also believes early sex is not a good thing and she teaches women how to communicate her feelings to men in a way which brings them closer.
These is her unbeatable program for knowing exactly what to say to men in situations like yours and much more:
"How many times have you wanted to tell a man exactly what’s on your mind… but panicked that doing so would push him away? How often have you said what you’re feeling to a man… only to have him withdraw, become angry with you, or disappear altogether?"
Third - Understand the connections you read above - attention seeking - approval from guys who pretend they don't want you - the jerks you've let in your life before. Now that it has moved from your subconscious to your conscious mind AND you know all the signs or habits of a player or jerk - TRUST you see men much clearer than you have in the past.
This will allow you to choose more wisely of the men you intend to date.
Fourth - Admit to yourself EVERYDAY you're not destined to be alone and single. This fear is clearly unfounded, impossible to predict, and you have EVERY control of where your life will lead to as you live it. Don't plan for the end - live in the present - you'll be far happier and you'll find the fears just don't have as much control over you anymore.
Fifth - Consider alternative ways to meet men who are more in line with your beliefs. I wouldn't want you to settle or narrow down the "playing" field too much but at least you'll be matching up with guys who are more likely to share your beliefs and you'll find connecting with them much easier.
Thanks for writing in Liz and I do hope we've rested your mind a little, cleared up your friends real intentions, and given you a slightly different view of your virginity and how you deal with it all in the future.
- Image found at Pexels by Pixabay.
- Neg - Definition from Urban Dictionary.
- Love Scripts For Dating - End The Loop of Frustration, Anger, and Heartache - Product info from Rori Raye.
- Rori Raye - Writer of Love Scripts - Have The Relationship You Want Free Newsletter.
- Will He Stick Around After You Get Intimate? Not If You Make These Common Mistakes
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