#3. Projections, assuming the worst, a need to know an answer, or future/past living. It’s not him it’s you?
Have you ever felt like something was going to happen? Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn’t.
Have you ever stopped yourself from doing something because you felt something bad was going to happen?
Some of you may attribute this to belief or your faith but aside from those beliefs – it is what we call “projections” and it’s something all too many men and women do everyday.
These projections causes many major issues in life including your dating and relationships.
“How many times have you wanted to tell a man exactly what’s on your mind… but panicked that doing so would push him away? How often have you said what you’re feeling to a man… only to have him withdraw, become angry with you, or disappear altogether?”
Love Scripts for Dating – The EXACT Words He NEEDS To Hear To Want To Listen To You, Please You, And Make You His Forever.
Those who tend to live in the past or future too often will more often project (assume or predict) their frustrations onto situation and even onto others causing them to act differently according to what you’re projecting.
Imagine a man going silent on you and in the past you’ve experienced trouble always seems to follow the silent man. Sure, it could be the case since you have been through it before you might respond to it prematurely.
When you react to his silence by over-thinking or over analyzing “what it means” you may see more than what is actually happening. You can all too quickly assume the worst and become anxious. Where every move or action (or lack of action from a guy) causes you to spiral in one direction or over-think what is really happening.
This is also where your “need to know the answer” feelings becomes greater than the actual situation. At this point you want closure or a reason as to why he is being so silent and sometimes it gets in the way of just letting things happen naturally or organically.
“Do you know what happens when a woman goes through a difficult situation with a man? She keeps freaking out…I call it the freak out syndrome. This is how the cycle runs…”
(Located at dialteg.org)
You could easily have read more into the reality of the situation you’re in and you might feel there was something more going on when it clearly wasn’t the case.
Reading the actual past over and over again solidifies (or strengthens) them in your mind and if this is a pattern in your life, you’re more likely to assume a guy is ignoring you or being silent when he’s actually not.
For example: If you’ve been hurt in the past which had anything to do with a guy ignoring you, you’re more likely to assume it’s happening again. Feelings mean everything when it comes to “projections” and you’re more likely to relate to it when it was an emotional event in the past.
Hey don’t get me wrong or put it on yourself because guys do it too. They project their past and all it takes is one common thing to happen and they believe it’s happening again. They will then “react” to a problem or even make up a problem when it doesn’t exist. They will also make matters worse more often than not.
They can become easily jealous, cause preemptive break ups, back out of a commitment from fear, and yes, go SILENT when they predict you’re going to become angry with them, destroying all lines of communication.
Men will also project attraction. They will assume your attraction works the same way his does and based on that, will predict they’ll lose you to a better looking guy (just because of his looks) or not bother trying with you because they don’t feel handsome enough.
Projections are a very real and prominent thing in dating and relationships.
If you allow yourself to get caught up in it you could easily drive a man away, assume the worst, self-sabotage your relationship, and in this case believe a man is ignoring you when he is not. That is why this is the “it’s not him it’s you” reason and although it’s not ever a good thing to hear, it must be said and considered ONLY when and if it’s a pattern of your life.
“Create that space by taking a step back in your conversations, your relationship, and your “need to know” where things are going – and watch him leap forward to claim you as his one and only.”
Are You Stopping Him From Falling For You?
(located at dialteg.org)
No one lives in the present all the time which is fine. It happens.
However if you live in the future or past too often “projections” can become a huge stumbling block to success in dating and relationships and all your quests in life and happiness too.
Here’s another common example:
What if you have a deep emotional need for closure on the “little things” and this need becomes greater and greater the more you think about it. Which in turn makes it harder to just “let it go”. If you have trouble letting things go (especially when you have an emotional connection to it) you could easily find yourself living in the past.
The absolute truth is, and I learned this from years of doing it with women I was attracted to, every action or lack of action from a guy isn’t always going to be connected to you.
If he’s late getting back to you it doesn’t automatically mean he’s losing interest.
Just because he’s hot and cold doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to you and is backing out.
Just because he misses a few phone calls or texts doesn’t mean he is ignoring you.
Sure, sometimes when those things happen in pattern and become more consistent then yes, it can mean he is losing it for you and is backing out. BUT – you just can not allow yourself to go there every time it does. You can not allow yourself to project negative thoughts because you’re more likely to cause those things to happen when you do.
One of the the secrets to “living in the present” while dating or enjoying the moments and not reading into every little thing he says or does is totally related to you.
“You start to obsess when he doesn’t call. You ask your friends what it “means” when he says, “I’ll see you later.” You tense up. You lose sleep. You become uptight. You want to be loved SO badly, but you’re SO afraid of getting hurt that you’ve turned yourself into a shell of your best self.” The Secret to Keeping a Man: Forget the Future, Enjoy the Present
(Located at dialteg.org)
People project in all sorts of ways which always lead us down a road which is never a good thing. It leads to over confidence, undue jealousy, negative emotional highs and lows, and can even go so far as racism and prejudice.
I”m telling you this because the last thing I want you to believe is that if this is your case, it does NOT mean you should get down on yourself and believe you’re never going to figure out men or find the man of your dreams or when you do, you’ll instantly scare him away.
These feelings happen and learning how to keep them in check and learning how to avoid spiraling into them every time is one key to living a happy life.
Stay in the present as often as you can. Trust me – it’s a great place to be. As some call it – it’s a PRESENT and it’s where you actually get to live and enjoy your life.
If you want to figure out what timeline you generally live in ask yourself these questions and answer honestly:
- Does fear run your life or stop you from doing the things you desire?
Fear is a predictive thing. You think something could happen which causes you to worry. Fear has its place. It serves a real purpose in life EXCEPT when you begin to fear non-life threatening events which stops you from living.
- Do you over-analyze or over-think everything which involves you and other people?
Cause and effect. When you over-think or analyze seemingly small events or actions you WILL act different. It will have you living in the past. The world is a big place and I don’t want you to feel unimportant but you must admit, not everything that happens is because of you.
In other words – it’s not always your fault.
- Do you always feel self-conscious? Does it feel like people judge you or are always looking at you or talking about you? Are you constantly worrying about what other people think about you, your looks, you decisions, or anything pertaining to you?
I had a friend and it was amazing what we saw when we went out. When someone looked at him, he saw anger, like he was being judged. When they looked at me – I saw positive things. They were checking me out. If I saw anything else I immediately assumed they were having a terrible day. I assumed something happened in their life which had nothing to do with me.
Granted my friend was autistic so he had real problems reading people’s faces. Something many of us take for granted but I’d say, for most of us, it’s not autism, it’s PROJECTIONS.
Feeling overly self-conscious tends to be a negative projection and it’s the basis of feeling like everything everyone says or does is because of you or because they’re judging you.
“Identifying your “limited beliefs” and the common situations with men that create them.”
(Located at dialteg.org)
Well I’m here to tell you they are not. Maybe sometimes but why worry or center your life around something you have no control over. As it was once said to me, “You have no privy or right to be in the mind of someone else therefore stop trying to think you belong there or have a right to it.”
I’ll explain a little more:
Imagine you wake up feeling like shit one day and you find yourself in a terrible mood. While out and about you notice a guy looks at you. From your past you’ve noticed sometimes that’s bad and sometimes that’s good. Except for that day you’re thinking it MUST be bad.
Your hair’s a mess, you got no sleep, maybe you’ve been single too long, maybe you know the guy and sometimes he’s into you and sometimes he’s not.
And that day he’s ignoring you…
Maybe not because he is (or wants to) but because in your state of mind you’ve shut yourself off to seeing something, anything better.
Granted those cases are very generalized but also well documented. Not only in books but in each and every one of our lives.
Think about this…
What if that very same guy knew how to always make your day. He always finds a way to make you smile and every bad day you’re having seems to disappear when you see him because of it.
Are you thinking he’s just being nice or are you thinking he must really like you?
Well if most men in your life who wanted to make you happy only disappointed you or wanted someone else you might assume he’s just being nice. He’s being a good friend.
In the opposite case, based on your experience with men this guy must “really” like you because the guys who have paid the most attention to you, ended up being madly in love with you.
Can you now see how your projections mean so much?
“Here’s Exactly What To Do In “Make Or Break” Moments That Determine If Your Man Falls More Deeply In Love, Or Changes His Mind & Leave”
Watch Mastering Make Or Break Moments With Men – Risk-FREE
“Ace the 15 “critical moments” in every relationship that can make him fall more deeply in love.”
It determines how you’ll read a guy.
It determines what you see and how you figure out what is happening.
All based on the mere fact you might live in the future too much (fear) or the past (regretful or bad experiences) too much.
It’s all connected and it’s connected in a way which deprives YOU your right to live more consciously in the present. Which by the way is the happiest place you’ll ever be. (Trust me on that.)
Back to men ignoring you, a guy going silent, a man being hot or cold every time you interact with him, or whatever is happening in your life to cause you to question, “What the hell is this guy’s deal?!!”
It’s not always about you. A man’s life revolves around his mind and because you’re not privy to it, just assuming every action or reaction is because of you will only lead you down a road of false projections and terribly frustrating and confusing experiences.
The really hard part of all this to grasp is that HE is most likely doing the same thing. Living with his projections. Maybe he lives in the past too much and is reacting based on his bad experiences. Maybe he is living in the future and fear (big or small) is running his life.
Can you now see how amazingly difficult it is to get it all right? How hard it is to assume one thing and be 100% positive that it what is happening.
Sure, in some cases – it is you – sometimes – it is him – but what does that really matter?
Look at the patterns. Assess it globally and keep it all in context of what is happening. Taken out of context (which happens all too often in projections) will only leave you more confused.
You know, sometimes you’ll never get the answer you’re looking for. Somethings WILL be left open-ended indefinitely and there’s nothing you can do about it. Why fret over it. Why make yourself miserable over it?
If a man goes silent on you for a long period of time, it’s time to move on.
If he’s hot and cold and you respond to it by constantly trying to keep it hot, or figure out what he’s doing – you’ll only project onto the situation forever changing the outcome and it will ever rarely be a good one.