hi, so i met this guy and we had a fling over the summer, he told me he didn’t want any form of relationship but he knows i really liked him.
We continued to see each other until He pulled the classic complete shut off at the end of summer. Then i went off to college.
I am home over winter break and we have been hanging out upon his request. He told me he is extremely physically attracted to me and sometimes that's where he gets in trouble.
He told me he still doesn’t want to be tied down, but the real kicker is that he is not hooking up with any other girls. I was the last girl he got any action from.
Do you think I could change his mind?
if so how.. I still do really like him. I also get along with all his friends well.
Hi Paige, let's start this off with a quick answer - Do I think you could ever change his mind about wanting a relationship with you?
Yes, No, and Maybe.
Probably not the direct answer you were looking for but I won't leave you hanging there.
Yes - When it comes to the relationships between men and women, I'll be honest with you - NOTHING surprises me or falls in the NEVER category. Who am I to rule out a possibility which has happened before and will continue to happen again.
We'll get to the HOW in a minute.
No - Let's turn this around. No man (under normal everyday conditions) will ever get you to commit to him by convincing your mind. He has to make you FEEL something for him. Which means if you try to change his mind it will not ever work. You have to change or connect with his HEART. You have to engage his feelings first.
When you're done with this post - this is where you can read more about HOW you should connect with a man:
Maybe - The realm of maybe is rightfully where this belongs. You could do everything right and still not make it happen. You could do lots of wrong things and it could happen. Too many possibilities and outcomes which is actually a GOOD thing because...
It simply means your approach to changing his heart needs to be safely put in your "maybe" pile because THAT is the place where you're free to do stuff on your own terms.
If you go about it thinking YES I can do this - you'll act pushy and put so much pressure on yourself and him in the process, failure becomes an all to real event as the tension rises.
If you go about this thinking NO it's not possible, you're confidence will plummet, you'll come across needy, a little desperate, and he'll grow tired of it quickly.
MAYBE is open and free.
Before we move on let's bring a little clarity to your situation because it will help you see where to go and what needs to be done.
Unfortunately you've found yourself in a position lots of women find themselves in too:
Meet a guy you're into a lot - become sexually involved with him - and then try to turn it into something more.
Don't worry, it's NOT just a woman thing. With men it normally happens a little differently though. They will meet a woman they're into, become friends with her, and then try to turn into something more.
And you being a woman, I'm sure that has happened to you before. Some guy friended you once or twice and then one day out of the blue revealed his true feelings for you.
Under both circumstances it's easy to see how it just doesn't work. It's NOT the way a relationship develops into a commitment.
But let's get past all that and move on. You now know where you stand and that's enough. Mistakes happen. No worries.
Here's some insight into what's going on inside this guy's head because again, it can only help you.
He told you he didn't want a relationship with but he knows you really like him.
In MAN speak that means,
"I don't want a relationship with you, I'll take the sex part because that's good and I'm physically attracted to you. I don't see you as a long-term option though. I'm either not there yet or I'm not into you that much. Something's missing. I'm telling you I know you really like me because I can see you're really into me and you're thinking you want more with me... but again, I'm not there."
He told you he is extremely attracted to you and it gets him in trouble.
In MAN speak that means,
"I'm physically attracted to you. It gets me in trouble because I'm not strong enough to resist the sex part. I probably should be because you're looking for more and it's not fair to you. AND I don't think you can emotionally handle this friends with benefits affair."
He told you he does not want to be tied down which in MAN speaks means:
"I like having sex with you and I appreciate that you are willing to sleep with me BUT I don't see you as a long-term option or someone I'd want to fully commit to for reasons I probably shouldn't share with you or don't know myself. I'm probably not ready for a relationship. I haven't explore my other options enough. OR I'm just not convinced I want to give up what feels like my freedom to be with you exclusively."
That last one really hits home but let's look at ALL the possibilities before we make a decision if there's a single conclusion:
He's either saying there's something he doesn't like about you which is stopping him from wanting to commit to you.
He believes by how you're interacting with him that committing to you will take away his freedom.
He's actually not ready or prepared to settle down with any woman right now and may not every be truly ready.
He believes you have not connected with him in a way (through his heart and not his mind or body) which compels him to want to commit.
You can now see when a man feels like he has to give up something for a commitment he won't ever go there.
If a guy feels like he's getting something more out of it - I'm talking heart and intimacy stuff, then he's more likely to go for it despite all his fears and hesitations.
There are lots of reasons why men won't or can not bring themselves to committing to a woman. When you're done reading today's post read page because it lists ten perfectly valid reasons:
When it comes to a man feeling like he's losing his freedoms and his fears are holding back - again - ONLY when you're done reading here - I'd strongly suggest you read this massive article I wrote because it will help you understand what men go through and help you relate to them better:
Moving on to what you called the real kicker...
He's not hooking up with any others girls and you were the last one he's been with.
That could mean many things. You could easily read it as he's totally into you and won't admit it. Or that he's got his eyes only on you.
OR... I'm going to put this out there because it needs to be said sooner or later.
MEN are not sex crazed fools who want to bed hundreds of women. Most are okay with sleeping with one at a time. In fact when you add lots of other women into their lives - it gets complicated, messy, sometimes downright ugly. It creates a lot of drama with too much juggling and (most) men prefer to keep things simple.
Despite what it feels like to you, it simply means he's being a guy who is not into sleeping with every available "girl" who comes his way.
(Either that or he has no other options, doesn't care to explore them, and/or he's just not good at doing that.)
My point is not to disprove you. I'm merely saying that reading into that as meaning something between you and him IS not a place you want to go. More often than not, when a guy isn't sleeping around AND he's still not committed to you - it simply means he's not that TYPE of guy.
Plus he's having sex and enjoying the freedom to do what he wants. Not really an incentive to complicate things, is it?
Alright - that's some insight or clarity into men and more specifically the situation you're in now.
Very quickly, let's where you getting along with his friends comes in to play. Maybe you had something it meant to you and that's okay - but for me...
I see it as YOU trying to look or reason out every bit you can find to prove to yourself that he's into you and isn't committing to you or moving forward to excuse yourself from moving on and/or just letting it go.
That's a big issue here - isn't it?
So it must not be overlooked.
You're trying as hard as you can to keep you from setting him adrift...
JUST IN CASE.
You don't want to miss out on a good thing.
I hear you.
It's hard to walk away when you're invested in anything let alone a guy who DOES it for you.
It's also hard to give up on something when those nasty little feelings come out.
Does it or would it make you feel like a loser because it didn't work out?
Does it make you feel like you did something wrong (by sleeping with him - spending your summer with him) when it all goes away?
Have you put way too much pressure on yourself to make this succeed so you FEEL BETTER about what happened.
Somewhere in the back of your mind - your intuition is telling you to let it go BUT something, perhaps some past feelings are stopping you from doing that... just in case, what if, or so you feel better about what you "supposedly" LET happen.
Listen - it's ALL GOOD.
I'm not judging you so stop judging yourself.
If you meet anyone, anyplace else who will judge you or make you feel bad because of what happened... then honestly, it's just their opinion and if their morality or opinions are solely based on putting you down - they are NOT worth the trouble and THEIR perspective should not affect you in any way.
That's their thing. You have yours. They have theirs.
BUT if you're judging yourself then WE DO have a real serious PROBLEM because you're supposed to be NICE to yourself.
As I've always said - one way or another - sooner or later - you must throw away the notion of "do unto others as you would want them to do to you" AND subscribe to a new belief or mindset...
Do onto YOURSELF what you so willingly do to others. If you're a good person you DESERVE and always MUST to GOOD to YOURSELF too.
Moving forward now...
Changing his mind into wanting a relationship with you.
Lots of things beyond sex and connection must be in place for a man to want and willingly commit to a woman. Some of them are negotiable (depending on the guy) and others are not.
You've been shown ALL the reasons why he might not be ready or want to commit to you.
The actual reasons are beyond me because in your comment you didn't explain a few things. Which I understand why because you wouldn't and shouldn't leave your whole history with men down there.
So must be objective and honest with yourself FIRST.
You must think about your past history with men and how you interact and communicate with them. This is very important because you need to know what needs to start happening differently.
Is it all him? It is all you? Chances are it's a little of both where the balance might be shifted towards you or him.
Knowing what is happening will shape your PLAN of action or simply suggest you walk away and start fresh with another man and then making sure a relationship is allowed to progress naturally.
(In other words - don't start things off hot and heavy in bed with the next guy. Don't sleep with him until certain things are in place. You can read one of my newsletters to help you see why this is so very important in getting to a commitment: Will He Stick Around After You Get Intimate? Not If You Make These Common Mistakes)
From there you can take the hard approach (making drastic changes or decisions) or the soft approach (subtly introducing less dramatic changes).
Both approaches will need you to:
RISK losing him entirely. It's not always going to happen. There are no guarantees it's going to happen. You must be open, ready, and willing to do certain things which risk it all.
Pull back a little or a lot depending on the severity of the situation. He needs time and space to think things out and to fully realize his true feelings for you.
Having sex with him less or entirely cutting it out... for now. This (you and him) needs to go to a place where you're not only connecting with your bodies or mind.
Start communicating with him differently. Whether it's you or him or both which is stopping the commitment from happening - there are ALWAYS ways to "encourage" a man to WANT to step up, take the lead, and enter a relationship with you.
The HARD approach would be to cut it off with him right now and see, after space and time how he responds. If he comes back or isn't willing to give you up - THEN that's when you start something NEW with him.
ONLY and only after you've spent some real time apart from each other.
You must not allow yourself or him to pick up where you left off. Something NEW has to come.
The SOFT approach just has you pulling back just enough so he begins to feel like he's losing you.
That's when you get on with your life. This is when you starting seeing other men and dating around.
This is where you give yourself the time to explore yourself and your feelings better. This is where you figure out what really happening and if it's a pattern in your life that needs to take a new direction OR if it's entirely him.
Either way - you'll have your answer and a plan.
I'm going to be completely honest with you.
The (obviously vague) plan I laid out for you is missing lots of details and some (if not most) are important. The stages are there but it's in the details where everything takes place and works for you.
I'm not purposely withholding them from you. I just can't lay it all out for you in a post and this is certainly not my specialty. My specialties are ever-changing and evolving but as of today - they are more in tune with seeing things that tend to pass most people by (normally) because as the saying goes, it's hard to see the forest from within the trees.
Me being an outsider who knows men, attraction, dating, relationships, social habits, and the constructs of the human mind and how it works puts me in a place to SEE the forest.
You (and in fact ANY woman experiencing a similar problem) will find you have a serious choice to make:
Let him go. If a man's not committing to you and things are not progressing the way you want or desire them to go - then that's the clue or a big sign that it's time to move on.
IF it's a pattern in your life and you want to change or stop it from happening then there's plenty of solid advice and help to get you where you want to go.
Who knows - maybe this is/was a wake up call. Maybe this is the point in your life when you can later look back and say... THAT was the day my new life started.
Choosing this will set you on a path that will dictate the more specific help you need.
Stick to changing his mind - or more appropriately change his HEART because I guarantee you can not convince a man through his mind. The only way in is and will always be through his heart.
This choice requires a different plan of action to take because it must center around specifics of getting one guy to commit to you while you're already seeing, dating, or sleeping with him.
The latter is broad based. This one is more focused on this event now.
I can and will NOT make the choice for you. I don't want the pressure put on me to have any more part than I already have in shaping YOUR future.
This is yours to own. You are in complete charge of your life. You are fully capable of making the right decision for you. I am confident in you and whatever you decide - may not be perfect - but it will work out one way or the other.
What matters the most is that you make a decision, give it some time and effort to play out, and to assure yourself when it's not working for you - that you're brave enough stop it and start doing something different... until you find something that brings you to the place you want to go.
Don't take it all so personal. Don't get down on yourself. Don't demean yourself. Don't think you're any less of who you are because it didn't work out. Learn from it and move on.
The whole of you is not built on one decision alone and putting so much pressure on yourself is uncalled for and I won't allow you to do that to yourself. Got it?
What's your choice? Where do you want to go from here?
I'm in great position to help you in whatever you decide to do because I have so much stuff that is thrown at me to put in your hands.
Deciding which is the best that fits your needs makes me cringe a little BUT I've been doing this long enough to feel confident in my decision.
The second choice - you're committed to changing his (mind) and you want to do whatever you can to make it happen with him. You've invested a lot of yourself into him AND you're not ready to just give it all up.
The unfortunate part of my job to get you there is the enormous amount of very specific help specifically designed around getting a you're "seeing" guy to commit, even if it's a "friends with benefit" thing or something at around jut "casual".
Some of them include some pretty nasty tricks and mind games too which is not for me and I'm certain it's not for you either.
This fits you PERFECTLY - not just because of the name - but because I know the guy who made it, what he stands for, and the advice he gives is always solid - no gaming - no tricks - just great communication skills to help the guy you're seeing realize what a great things he's found.
The lessons in this one are amazing so when you get to the page - scroll down and check them out because you'll see how they match up to what you're going through...
Things like: his fears of commitment, why men run away from commitment, etc...
In fact you can read below a sample of an email I've sent out from him - who is the one and only Carlos Cavallo:
"5 reasons he won't commit to you.
REASON #1 - Males can get sex without commitment more easily than in times past.
REASON #2 - Males can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabitating rather than marrying.
REASON #3 - Men want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.
REASON #4 - Men fear that committed relationships - especially marriage - will require *too many* changes and compromises.
He Won't Commit: REASON #5 - He is waiting for the perfect soul-mate, and she hasn't yet appeared.
Most women think men would stay single forever if given the choice, but this just isn't true according to nearly every study.
I'll tell you right now, though - the secret to getting a commitment from him is in REASON 5!
All you have to do is know WHAT a man looks for in a soulmate."
If your decision is choice one - to let him go - maybe this is pattern in your life and you want it to stop happening OR you just can not take all the emotional ups and downs this guy is putting you through...
Then we need to move forward a little slower.
Of course I could suggest "something" but I'm not going to because I don't know you well enough.
When you get on my newsletter you'll be given plenty of opportunities to tell me a little about yourself so I can best help you and get you where you want to go.
I'm not suggesting we email each other back personally, honestly the chances of that happening are slim BUT I do read all my emails, I do listen to each individual needs, and assess every case as being IMPORTANT.
It may take a few letters or a few weeks but I can guarantee ONE of those emails will change EVERYTHING for you. You will connect with it in a way you've never thought you would from a newsletter AND a new world will open up to you.
Let me know what you think below - my ears always open.
I do hope you've learned something today about men, commitments, how men think, what they really mean, and you (and any woman who can connect with today's story) that you're READY to CHOOSE and make the right decision for yourself.