10 Reasons Why Men Won’t Commit and What To Do About It

Why He Will Not Commit Cover

Written By Brian Robbens - Creator of Respark The Romance.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”Paulo Coelho

Before we dive into this whole fear-of-commitment deal, I'll let you in on a little secret about men...

There are actually TWO types of guys who won't commit.

The first one will date you, romance you and show you a wonderful time.

But once things get too serious, he'll start to lose interest.

The more you want him to 'settle down', the more it feels that he's pulling away. In the end, he's not going to marry you.

The second guy will go through the whole dating and romancing part with you, and even get all the way to marrying you.

But after that, he'll have some sort of a mid-life crisis - and lose interest.

After doing some soul-searching, he'll decide that he still has time to get out. So this guy hasn't really committed himself deep down to begin with.

So whatever situation applies to you, you'd best keep reading to shed some light on this particularly annoying trait men have.

And one more thing: I also want to let you know WHAT TRULY TERRIFIES MEN:

They’re NOT actually afraid of being with just ONE person for the rest of their natural-born lives…

What really scares them off is the possibility of committing themselves to the WRONG girl.

Please understand that this isn’t a dig at you - or any woman who’s ever dated a guy for that matter.

There is no such thing as the right or wrong girl in a relationship.

That’s a relative concept, and a guy will put you in either category if he spots some red flags.

And the biggest flag for him if he feels like his personal freedom and individual identity are threatened; then he’s going to seriously reconsider where he stands with you.

Again, I’m not saying you’re the controlling or possessive type, but let’s be honest…

A lot of men have dated AT LEAST one woman like this – which is probably like one out of fifty or something.

But nevertheless, it’s enough to leave a mark on a guy and make him a little guarded when getting into a new relationship.

He’s subconsciously looking for signs that she's going to demand he give up all his FREE time and love her forever and ever.

So, it helps to keep that in mind the next time you think guys are simply afraid of commitment for no reason.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here are the biggest reasons why men hold back on the big “C”:

#1: You Want Him To Commit.

This sounds cruel, doesn’t it? Why would someone purposely hold withhold something you want so badly?

Well, it’s not that guys are mean and want you to beg for their affection, but it’s the feeling of being strong-armed into it.

Any decision a guy makes has to feel like one without duress or emotional blackmail.

Otherwise, his defensive instincts are going to kick in and make him hit the eject button.

Look, any guy with a brain is perfectly aware of the fact that you WANT things to get serious somewhere down the line.

That’s the natural progression of any romantic relationship.

But if he thinks he’s you’re pressuring him too much, or worse – more concerned about putting labels and making it “official” rather than valuing him as a person…

…then he’s understandably going to think twice about moving forward with you.

#2: He Felt Duped.

Ok, let me preface this by telling you that I’m not assuming you’re the type of woman who’d intentionally manipulate or “play” a guy in some way.

But you do need to know that men are turned off when their idea of who you were at the beginning of the relationship suddenly takes a 180.

You see, I’ve noticed a typical pattern in a lot of couples:

  • Girl meets boy.
  • Girl and boy hit it off, they enjoy each other’s company.
  • Girl secretly becomes anxious because things aren’t moving fast enough…or he’s not going to commit himself to her.
  • Boy slowly feels more and more cornered as girl has “The Talk” with him more frequently than he’s comfortable with.
  • Boy feels tricked that the fun girl he met has turned into a needy person who needs an answer from him RIGHT NOW.

Like I said, it’s not that guys are suddenly shocked their woman wants a commitment out of him.

It’s more of that dark cloud hovering over the relationship. If the need for commitment takes overtakes the sense of fun, wonder and amazement, he’s going to feel cheated.

His internal monologue will be something like,

“Where was the awesome girl I hit on at that party? This is NOT what I signed up for…”

It doesn't matter if you've been dating for a few months or married to him for a few years. Men will go through this sooner or later.

#3: He Doesn’t Feel Accepted.

This is a big deal for men.

Beneath that suave, debonair and macho exterior he puts up for the rest of the world, there’s a whole set of insecurities most women don’t know about.

A lot of these come from the people he grew up with, like his family or the folks he went to school with.

Any negative experiences he had with them left a bad taste in his mouth, whether he wants to or not.

Then there’s the matter of past relationships. Like you, it’s likely that not all of them ended well…

…and I’m willing to bet he got burned by a few of his exes.

Anyway, all of this boils down to the fact that all of this has contributed to whatever negative perception he has of himself.

Trust me, every guy has a version of his inner critic, and it’s not pretty.

And so if his partner heaps too much criticism on him in the relationship, that’s going to set off some alarms in his head.

Yes, guys do want their egos handled with care when it comes to the woman in their life, but it’s not about that.

What he wants is someone who accepts him on a basic level and doesn’t disapprove of who he is.

By that, I mean his interests, fashion choices, the people in his life and his basic values.

So those insecurities are going to come knocking when he feels like his identity is under attack.

Here’s something I’ve learned from couples who’ve been together for decades…

Not only do they learn to accept their differences, they also RESPECT them instead of attacking each other over it.

And speaking of which, that brings us to the next reason…

#4: A Serious Lack Of Respect.

This is one is even bigger on a guy’s list, if not the BIGGEST.

Sad to say, but there are a lot of shows on the air that make it funny, hip and cool to bash guys.

Sure, there are some truly vile men out there who totally deserve what’s coming to them, but that’s not what I’m talking about…

What I mean is that a lot of good men are secretly bothered by the negative stereotypes thrown at them nowadays – here are a few:

  • All guys in a relationship are just dumb, clueless schmucks who are lucky to have such an awesome, smart woman in their life.
  • Men are allergic to commitment and just want the next “wham bam thank you ma’am” notch on their belt.
  • Guys are unfeeling, unreadable and emotionally unavailable.
  • Men are meat-headed, testosterone-fueled jerks who don’t care about other people’s feelings.

Again, it’s important to point out that some men are actually like this, but generalizing doesn’t help the problem.

And I know this is a difficult thing to talk about, but this kind of climate does make some guys defensive.

When a man’s partner is more focused on trashing him or putting him down in subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways, this decreases his desire to commit.

But it’s surprisingly easy to deal with this. The simplest way to avoid all of this is by making a habit of praising your guy when he does something great for you.

All men take pleasure in knowing they can fulfill their provider/protector role in the relationship.

So when you regularly offer words of kindness and admiration, it’ll lift his spirits even if he doesn’t tell you.

And it’ll create an even bigger effect on him if you praise him in public. Nothing gets a makes a guy’s heart swell more than his partner telling her friends and family what an awesome guy he is.

Even if you've been together for a long time, doing this will still have an impact on him. Of course, it's even better if you get into this habit while your relationship's relatively new.

#5: The Relationship Feels Like A Chore.

You know that “spark” in a relationship that people talk about – and how it fades over time?

That’s exactly what happens when a girl turns the relationship into her mission in life rather than having a blast with her man.

Of course, it takes TWO to tango - but from a guy’s perspective, there are some things his partner can do keep the relationship from feeling “heavy” in general:

Learn to be flexible when you can.

Do you REALLY have to eat at that Brazilian restaurant with your guy…or can you adjust your sails and find another place that isn’t insanely packed tonight?

Men need to know their partner can adapt when needed and doesn’t ALWAYS need everything to be “just so”.

Make plans with him on short notice.

Get him tickets to that concert he mentioned last week, set up a spontaneous date, take him to an impromptu weekend paintball session, go out of town and visit that cool museum he’s been wanting to check out, and so on…

Create awesome and memorable SHARED experiences – this naturally creates a feeling of closeness between two people.

I know women who've been able to improve their relationship big time because of this one step.

Whether they started dating a few months ago and want to kick things up a notch...

...or they've been married for years and things were getting stale...

...it's just as effective.

The more you can infuse the relationship with a sense of adventure, spontaneity and well, FUN, the more he’ll be associate those positive feelings with you.

And when that happens, he knows he’s got a KEEPER…

#6: He Doesn’t Get Enough Support.

Most men get it that you’re not into stock car racing, action flicks and sci-fi related stuff.

They also understand if assembling desktop computers, doing extreme sports or playing fantasy-based trading card games doesn’t turn your crank.

What men don’t like however, is when their woman doesn’t support their passions on a basic level.

Any reasonable guy doesn’t expect you to actually LIKE any of that stuff. But he does hope you at least let him go off and explore this part of himself.

That’s why guys will have a hard time seeing a woman’s “girlfriend potential” if his hobbies, interests and side projects are met with a disdainful – or in some cases, condescending – attitude.

It matters to him when can occasionally show up with him to one of those “boring” conventions or let him introduce you to his ham radio group.

With just a little support, you can be the cool girlfriend or wife who wants to be part of his world.

#7: He Feels Micromanaged.

When a guy starts dating a new girl, he’s going to have these questions running in the back of his mind:

  • “Is she going to ask me to stop seeing my friends and hang out all day shopping with her?”
  • “Will she ask me to check in with her every hour we’re apart?”
  • “When I’m out with the boys, is she going to demand I send her a picture every now and then so she’s sure I’m not fooling around?”
  • “Do I need to text her first thing in the morning and a few more times before going to bed?”
  • “Can I give her my honest opinion about something without her freaking out?”
  • “Do I have to run every decision past her so we don’t get into a screaming argument later on?”

I know this sounds a bit illogical, but this taps into that fear guys have about losing their basic sense of freedom.

He doesn’t even know he’s asking himself these questions - but it’s there in his subconscious.

Logic has little to do with it, and you can easily avoid making him feel this way. A little self-awareness when dealing with your guy will stop him from seeing you as the gatekeeper in his life.

And for the married women out there, this is still worth keeping in mind.

#8: He’s Just NOT Ready.

There are cases when a guy is legitimately unable to be in a relationship at a certain stage in his life.

Of course, there ARE a bunch of dumb reasons guys give for leaving, like he’s busy with his career or whatever.

But if he’s just got out of a bad relationship and jumped straight into the dating pool, this can be a problem for both of you.

It’s likely he’s still got a ton of emotional baggage and other trust issues he hasn’t processed yet. And even if he thinks he’s ready to get back on the old horse, he’ll quickly realize that he’s not in that emotional place to commit.

If you do get a guy like this, it’s going to suck for sure. However, give him the benefit of the doubt and try to see it from his side.

Chalk it up to a hasty decision and don’t take it personally.

#9: The Communication Is Out Of Whack.

One of the characteristics guys look for in a potential partner is her ability to express herself without turning it into a negative experience for both of them.

Sooner or later, you’re going to have to deal with your disagreements and differences.

And if you've been together for a long time, you know what I'm talking about.

If your guy thinks that you handle these things in a toxic way, he’s going to hold back on committing himself.

Here’s a quick checklist of things to watch out for:

  • During a difficult conversation, is there are a lot of antagonism, hostility, passive-aggressiveness and sarcasm?
  • Do you find yourself taking cheap shots at him, or vice-versa?
  • Are you more interested in “winning” the argument rather than actually getting to the root of your disagreement?
  • Do you try to solve the conflict by seeing it as a “we” problem, rather than something that’s “his fault”?
  • Do you feel that he needs to intuitively know what you’re thinking? On another note, do you keep quiet about a certain issue, then feel bad he doesn’t how you feel about it?

These are some of the major factors that weigh heavily in a guy’s mind. If he senses this part of the relationship isn’t working well, it could cause him to pull away.

#10: The passion Isn’t There.

It would be a narrow-minded assumption to think that guys are only interested in doing the deed and nothing more.

Contrary to popular belief, men need a lot of physical and emotional validation from their partner. A guy will have a hard time giving himself to someone if he’s not happy on BOTH fronts…

And most of the time, it’s not about the “main event” when it comes to sex. Guys love the delicious anticipation of things to come, and most importantly, being teased.

Nothing sets a man’s blood on fire than the feeling of being WANTED by his partner.

I don't care if you've been seeing him for a week, or you have three kids and a mortgage between you. You can't afford to neglect this part of your relationship.

Try dropping hints about what you want to do to him throughout the day (like sending him spicy texts or emails), or give him a naughty pinch somewhere inappropriate before he leaves for work.

Heck, a lot of guys even want to be a little objectified. Tell him how great he looks from behind in his new jeans, or how you like watching him get sweaty changing your car tire.

Speaking from experience, anything that appeals to his caveman side is going leave a lasting impression on him.

I’ll be honest – it’s not always easy keeping a relationship happy and fun…

…let alone getting your guy to commit and NOT pull away.

And it might even seem unfair that you’re doing all the work. I don’t want you to think that he shouldn’t do his part – that’s not what I mean at all.

What I do want you understand however, is that a guy WILL want to stay once he sees the right signs that you’re THE ONE…

…and when you flip those switches in his mind, making him commit won’t take any work at all.

If you can make him feel like you’re not like the other women he’s met before…

…that you’re the type of person who ROCKS his world…

…and above all, be the woman he CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT…

Then you don’t have to lift a finger to make him stay.

And you’ll never be worried about him pulling away, growing cold, acting distant or being “afraid” of commitment.

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