Is He Playing Hard To Get or Is He Hard To Get & What That Means To You

Man Playing Hard Chess Game

Ihave proposed and hopefully proven to you that there are only two types of guys, the ones who get you and the ones who do not.

Today, I'd like to extend that a little and make men even more simple.

Within those two groups exists a sub-type which I feel is very important to understanding men:

The guys who PLAY hard to get and the ones who ARE hard to get, date, and/or ready to make a lasting commitment to a relationship.

It feels logical to assume the men who play hard to get are the bad guys and the ones who don't play those game are the good guys, but they are not separated or categorized in that way at all.

The men who ARE harder to get:

  • Commitment-phobes.  The afraid to commit.
  • Serial daters, they just can't get enough or are always looking for the next best thing.
  • Men with lots of choices who are patient and just want to make the right choice for their future and lastly of course...
  • The guys, IF they were to be completely honest with you and themselves, just don't want you bad enough!

The ones who PLAY or use tactics and techniques to appear hard to get are definitely doing on purpose for many reasons so we can separate them in that way.

  • Type twos trying to become type ones by changing themselves or how they interact with women.
  • The serious hard-core players and womanizers.
  • The accidental un-natural who stumbled on things that worked for him.

You can see their reasons for being hard to get are quite varied and are not necessarily related to their character type.

I'll work from back to front and list each one...

» The Men Who PLAY Hard To Get «

Type twos trying to become type ones by changing themselves or how they interact with women.

Some have been overly needy in their past with women and are trying not to look desperate and pathetic this time around. They're trying to change their unattractive bad habits of the past.

They've had a tendency to get too heavy much too quickly push women away.  They're hoping to stop it from happening again.

Granted this is a rare group but you must admit, their "playing" is not meant to cause harm or pain to you.

They're good guys just "trying" to better themselves.

In reality, it's the TACTIC they may use on you while playing hard-to-get which would make them a good guy or just another asshole.

The serious hard-core players and womanizers.

The PLAYERS can and often do have several women lined up and will lure them in through any technique or tactic they know.

You can read about their techniques and more in this post: The ONLY Way To Spot A Real Player

Here are just a few related to playing hard to get:

They'll pull back abruptly after allowing things to get just close enough. Yes, getting intimate or even closer minus the physical part will be their idea which will play out in their favor later on.

They'll avoid and ignore your calls or messages and have lots of excuses designed to actually make you feel guilty for thinking or accusing them of ignoring you.

Another game played happens once they know they have you "on their hook" they'll play deeper and less known power moves to guarantee you're always chasing them. They are often passive aggressive mind games and end up being very destructive.

Moving on to the next type...

The accidental un-natural who stumbled on things that worked for him.

Sometime in his life, typically in his younger years, he "accidentally" did some things that attracted a few women, but he's unclear as to why it worked for him.

Whatever he actions he took that made him attractive to women will continue until they don't help him anymore.

The strange part about this type is that his attractiveness is not felt internally. He doesn't feel good enough or understand why women like him which causes lots of issues and determines his actions.

He'll play "allusive" and "hard to get" to feel more powerful and in control to make up for his feelings of not being good enough or deserving of women.

Oddly enough, this type tends to follow typical well-known dating rules most likely because they have little knowledge of attraction and go with whatever advice is common:

  • Don't call for three days.
  • Don't text her back quickly.
  • Never call her first.
  • Sex always on the third date.
  • Etc..

If watched closely, men like this are extremely predictable making them easy to spot.

His type IS hard to get because he has internal issues (as noted above) which stop him from committing to any one woman for an extended period of time.

He's not "playing" , it's who he is and although there are certain tactics you could use to change his mind, unless he comes to realize and correct the problem himself, his commitment will NEVER be real.

» The Men Who ARE Hard To Get «

Commitment-phobes with many deep-rooted fears.

Fear and designed to protect us from harm.

Necessary for survival but when left un-checked for long periods of time and create emotions not caused by the real pain we wish and need to avoid can wreak havoc in all of our lives.

It's not a surprise when it comes to relationships and commitments how a man's fears will control him and his every move or action.

Which also means this type is NOT playing hard to get, he IS hard to get.

I've written a 9,000 word post on a man's fear of commitment so there's no need to get into all the details.

You can read it right here:

Fear #1 - He will be rejected by her for reasons he has no control over and from missing one of her rules of the dating game.

Fear #2 - Losing his freedom. He will lose his freedom in his search for connection.

Fear #3 - He will be seen as incompetent or a failure from far ever being successful.

Fear #4 - He will not satisfy her sexually.

Fear #5 - He won’t know how to handle or manage all of your emotions.

Why Guys Have Every Reason To Be Afraid of Commitment? His Every Fear

It doesn't cover everything related to psychology and relationships but I do believe you'll find it useful and understand men in ways you've never dreamed possible.

Moving to the next type...

Serial daters. They just can't get enough and/or are always looking for the next best thing.

They ARE hard to get because they're usually dating several women at the same time and are having problems deciding which one is the best for them.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to be a serial dater but it's hard to tell the difference between a commitment-phobe and this type.

The easiest way to see the difference is:

Men who fear commitment tend to be always on the edge of getting in a relationship with you, but back out at the last minute.

Men who are serial daters rarely if ever talk about relationships and commitments unless asked directly.

Serial daters tend to enjoy the "buffet" and the process a little too much.

That was me for years.

I wanted it all because up until I learn how it all worked, I was sexually deprived and dateless for an unbearably long time.

This also caused me to have extremely high expectations of the women I was dating and would back out or reject any woman who didn't meet them.

Men with lots of choices who are patient and just want to make the right choice for their future.

Type ones all the way and will offer you the greatest challenge in getting something more from them.

  • Have high self-esteem fortified with confidence.
  • Possess an internal strength which allows them to delay gratification and don't let sex dictate their life.
  • Value and respect women for who they are and not what they can give them.
  • Generally give more than they receive from the world.
  • Modest leaders and can be considered the Alpha of the male world.

You can read the entire list in my book, "Understanding Men Made Simple" at no charge when you sign up to my newsletter.

He has no reason to play games and therefore will never play hard to get.

It may look like he's playing a woman when he abruptly and directly rejects woman after they've gotten close, but this happens for another reason.

Certain women find him so difficult to capture and he becomes their greatest "relationship" challenge.  When all else fails these women begin to chase him and push him away.

If this happens after a closeness is achieved  and she impatiently pushes forward, he'll see it and rather than delay, he'll call it off and walk away BEFORE things go too far.

He can be the "bad boy" although we can argue on that type. He can be a seducer. An Artist. A successful man in his career.

His archetype is generally accepted world-wide as the most attractive man AND by being so offers women the greatest commitment challenge because again, he IS hard to get.

Next up...

The ones, IF they were to be completely honest with you and themselves, just don't want you bad enough!

Don't let these men fool you, they are very dangerous and can inflict lots of emotionally suffering as they lure you in and leave you hanging for way too long.

Even though they are not into you or attracted to you all that much, they'll keep you around, or as they say, "on the hook" for many reasons:

You make him feel a little more confident, attractive, and boost his Ego just enough

You'll find he's often looking on the "other side of the fence" and using your boost to get another woman.

He's terribly afraid of confrontation and finds it difficult to reject a woman.

He doesn't have the balls to call it off and doesn't have the strength to move on.

He doesn't know how to handle a woman's emotions or drama so he'll avoid creating them. Breaking it off with you would certainly be one of those dramatic moments.

He also delays rejecting you because he know it will leave him alone to start again. He'll be left with no intimacy in his life and finds it hard to function alone.

He's not being completely honest with himself and how he feels about you.

He likes you but feels something is missing. He just doesn't know what it is.

He ignores his inner voice because he's generally a good guy and feels he "should" be into you because you're so cool and good with him.

He wants to like you more and tries to believe it. Some days he actually does, but on other days he doesn't. You'll find him acting sporadically and unpredictable based on what he is feeling on any given day or longer.

He's not actively dating or seeking out other women. He doesn't have much if a social life.

He feels he has no real choice in the matter anyways. In other words, he lives in a world of scarcity.

He believes women are the choosers and feels helpless to do anything but accept the woman who likes him.

He feels like he settled and believes that is just as unfair to you as it is to him. He thinks YOU can do better but not possibly him.

Settling also comes with a price and he sees it. To avoid facing reality he shoves the thoughts deep down as they show a future in which he admits he's been living a lie all the time.


Whatever his full reason is for keeping you on the hook, this type is VERY dangerous to you and possibly your emotionally well-being.

The danger comes from the fact that these men are not really bad people. They're not playing games.

It's all too easy to like or love them and "hope" they're come around but since the deeper attraction really isn't there, something more must be done by YOU to create it and connect with so he DOES get it...

Because he rarely if ever will on his own.

Relationship with him or not, he IS HARD TO GET because even if he commits to you, in his mind, he has not convinced himself of it.

You'll find him acting aloof, distant, unmoved, emotionally void, and everything else you DO NOT want from a guy.

The Conclusion...

Today's post took a deep look into men of all sorts who either PLAY hard to get or ARE hard to get as it relates to commitments and dating, up to entering a relationship.

Do you know which guy you are dating or have dated or  in the past?

It's now easy to see which ones may have fooled or played you purposely and which ones, based on their actions, are not playing at all... it's just a part of them which makes them either HARD to get because they're REAL men, or hard to get because they have issues they need to work on.

The REAL question now becomes...

Is there a way to use all this information to go past just understanding men better and make a real positive difference in your life?


What can all this mean for you?

I'd say first of all, knowing early on if you're being played or not is always a good thing.

Avoiding and eliminating a toxic man from your life entirely and efficiently has benefits which go well beyond saving you some time.

Fewer heartaches with less suffering and painful moments tends to allow more happiness into your life which transfers over to all your interactions with men.

This in turn leads to you attracting men with the same positive mindset.

Secondly, understanding men on this level gives you the tools and knowledge to CONNECT with a guy like most men have never experienced with a woman before...

The third but possibly not the final reason...

The is the one I feel so strongly and passionate about because of all the emails and questions I get from women that make me angry, sad, and sometimes helpless all at the same time:

That last guy mentioned above, the one who is most likely settling for you...


I'm not knocking him down. I used to be much worse than him. I get where he's coming from and understand why and how he is the way he is but... again...

You deserve better BUT, and this is a huge BUT, IF you're ready to step up and go beyond him.

You see. That guy is stuck. He's not doing anything to change his status in life. He's not seeking real information and new paradigms.

He's created a world for himself to live comfortably in while surrounding himself with a huge set of limited beliefs.

He refuses to change or do anything about it and takes women just like you with him, who are only all-too willing to go there with him.

Don't get stuck there yourself.

Refuse to go there with him.

It's the perfect time to make sure YOU ARE HARD TO GET in all the right ways.

Men LOVE the challenge.

REAL men step up to the challenge.

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Get A Closer Peek Into The Two Types of Guys

About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated. Let me show you how and why too. There are only two types of guys and knowing this fact changes everything. If you don’t know his type you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you.

This article was posted in Games Guys Play – Is He Playing You? Is He A Player? Don’t Get Fooled, The Many Types Of Guys – Understand His Type & You’ll Get The Why Too

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7 comments… add one
  • Carrie

    I have been into this guy for some time and it seems he’s interested. At the beginning we texted every night, talking until early morning. He said he’s my fan, said he wanted to be the one who’ll be there for me when I need. He asks me a lot of questions about myself and also shares with me everything he does in his life. I also told him that he’s someone very special to me, like a special friend. Recently we don’t text that much and I know he’s extremely busy. However, he never ignores my texts, he always replies as soon as he can. Although there are a lot of signs that say he’s into me but I still wonder if he just needs me there to boost his ego. I’m older, his senior, successful, confident, attractive. He’s a fresh graduate, a bit childish. He will spend a lot of time with me just to listen to my stories, even to console me when I’m sad but it seems we are not going anywhere. He never sets up a date with me. We’ve been hanging out together several times but usually with a group or with my kids (he is just so nice to them). I feel like he’s intimidated by me, when in a group he’d treat me very differently. He’d flirt with every other girl and become extremely quiet and shy to me, sometimes he’s just clumsy, spilling things over. He loves the gettogethers with me in it but never suggests doing things with me alone.
    I guess he’s in the last type you mention, the most dangerous one. What should I do to him now? I’ve tried to ignore him several times and he’s always the one who reaches out first. Confused!

    • Peter White

      Hello Carrie,

      He might be in your “friends zone”. This would describe why he’s always there for you, sharing things with you, AND guys who live in the friends zone NEVER make a move. They will wait forever for YOU to make the first move. They rarely take the lead. They will put you on a pedestal and worship you never actually believing they have a chance with you.

      As much as I’d like to “increase” his chances with you because I know first hand how lonely the friends zone can be, let’s be real here. He’s not moving forward. You said he a bit childish which I’m assuming means immature on too many levels. You’re his senior. Confident, Attractive BUT I didn’t hear you say anything about him you find attractive. You feel you intimidate him. He flirts with other girls but to you – he’s a bumbling mess. Now, is that the type of guy you really want to concern yourself with? Is this the type of guy you really want something more with. Remember, what you’re getting now is WHAT you’re going to get. Is this the type of guy you believe who can “sweep you off your feet” and make you FEEL a powerful emotional physical and mental attraction towards?

      Think about all that. Step back. Objectify it.

      Remember, he’s doing things which he thinks are right for you and (if he feels like he’s in your friends zone with no chance) he’s waiting for YOU to take a leadership and move things forward. He’s waiting for YOU to be more masculine than him.

      Ignoring might work. It might not. BUT I’ve found ignoring someone is NEVER a mature responsible way to change a situation and often leads to far worse results.

      At this stage, confront him. Be honest. Communicate to him what you communicated to me an you’ll have your answer. Just never forget, again, IF a guy is not taking the lead, or moving forward in some way, then he’s either not interested in something more OR is not capable of doing it with a woman he’s attracted to.

      All the best,

      • Carrie

        Thank you so much for your reply, Pete. I did objectify it and decided it isn’t worth it to make him make a move whatsoever. I have moved on and found myself happier instead of confused, trying to decode his behavior. I understand that when a man wants to be with me, he’ll do everything just to be with me, not make me wonder at all. What this guy did was indeed stringing me along and I won’t tolerate it.
        Funny I forgot to mention how amazing he was when we first met. He was funny, energetic, enthousiastic, smart and masculine. However, he has become someone else as time goes by.
        Anyway, he’s not someone I should care about now anymore. I guess I’ll be happier without him.
        Thanks a million.

  • sara

    Thank You Pete 🙂
    Those days I was sad and could not think properly…but now I’m almost fine 😉 it’s over and I decided to make no more effort anymore, instead of that I’m going to try various aspects of my life which should be considered as well…honestly he learned me some good things(I’m thankful) and whenever I think about them it makes me really very miss him though I’m trying to end this chapter by achieving new lovely experiences which he learned me…life book has next/other chapters…
    And Thank to you I read your articles, sometimes, some of them make me excited and some of them make me cry how a man can understand women’s heart/mind…

    • Peter White

      Thank you Sara 🙂 and you’re welcome too.

      Great to hear you’re starting a new chapter AND that you’re using this recent experience as something you can learn from too.

      Wishing you success in your new chapter,


  • sara

    Hi Pete,
    First of all sorry for my bad english…And thank you for all which you mentioned…
    Wish I could read this topic a few days ago because we argued…I just thought he and I need a little time after argument…but after 2 days he just left me, without talking about why…he just went some hours ago and I can’t stop crying(i know kind of sensitive woman) when I read this topic I found out that he is somewhat both types and don’t problem with his character…But will he come back?

    Thank you,

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