hi, so i met this guy and we had a fling over the summer, he told me he didn’t want any form of relationship but he knows i really liked him. We continued to see each other until He pulled the classic complete shut off at the end of summer. Then i went off to college. I am home over winter break and we have been hanging out upon his request. He told me he is extremely physically attracted to me and sometimes thats where he gets in trouble. He told me he still doesn’t want to be tied down, but the real kicker is that he is not hooking up with any other girls. I was the last girl he got any action from. Do you think I could change his mind? if so how.. I still do really like him. I also get along with all his friends well.
I think he “could” change his mind BUT I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.
Okay, I’m going to assume when you said “fling” you mean you were having sex with him.
He’s getting everything he wants from you and there does not seem to be any reason for him to change the situation or the nature of the relationship.
He’s not getting a good reason to take the next step with you Or you’re not giving him enough “incentive” to.
It sounds like you’re in a “friends with benefits” relationship with him and from my experience that rarely, if ever, leads to somewhere more.
He said he doesn’t want a relationship but he knows you really like him, which normally means, “I want and enjoy sex with you and since you’re going to give it to me, I’ll take it, BUT I don’t see you as a long-term option… right now.”
He told you he is extremely attracted to you and it gets him in trouble which normally means, “I want sex with you because you turn me on a lot and I know you’ll give it to me, BUT I still don’t see you as a long-term option. This gets me in trouble because I believe you’ll think having a fling means I want more BUT I don’t. Trouble means I can’t help myself to sleep with you even though I don’t want more because I’m sexually attracted to you.”
He told you he does not want to be tied down which normally means, “I like having sex with you because you give it to me BUT I don’t see you as a long-term option… right now. I actually still believe I can do better but I’m not entirely sure right now because I haven’t explored my options enough yet.”
Do you see the pattern Paige?
Lots of first stage physical attraction (second stage would be the committal stage or long-term courting or partner searching) and nothing more for all the reasons I listed above in my man speak voice.
For a man to commit fully to a woman and want more, several things must be happening.
He must have an internal and uncontrollable need to stop you from seeing other men. If he’s not implying that, suggesting it, or seems to even care, then he only sees you as a sexual option… right now.
He has to see or believe a future with you is something he doesn’t want to screw up. If he’s not “actively” making it easy on you then he’s not worried about making a mistake.
He has to be mature, capable, and in a position to be willing to dedicate time and energy in forming a relationship.
He must also feel a little compelled to win you over.
He must feel challenged by you mentally and physically.
He must realize on his own, his life without you is much less enjoyable.
He must realize over time and during a separation, no matter what other women he meets, he finds himself comparing them to YOU.
He must have, or been given the options to explore other women because that’s what makes him see you’re the one for him.
Obviously there are many other things which have to happen and although it sounds complicated or impossible, it’s not really.
My best guess is, if you really want to change his mind… first, no more sex.
More challenge from you so he can begin to work for you and see the long-term value you represent to him.
Start seeing other men almost immediately but don’t throw it in his face. You too must explore other options so you’re not waiting around for HIM to decide. You can not let a man stop YOUR future from happening or developing.
Define your relationship with him and create clear boundaries you can stick to.
Are you just friends, then be “just” friends.
Are you casually dating, then stop acting like such a good friend.
Stop giving him exactly what he wants and find a way to make him work a little harder for it.
Next look at yourself and take note to:
- The type of guys you normally date or find yourself falling for.
- The traits you have which trigger a guy to want a commitment and the traits you have which only sexually stimulate a guy. Harder to do yes, but at least consider it.
We’re looking for certain patterns which might help you see the bigger picture of your dating life. In other words sometimes we have to look at ourselves and take some responsibility for how we’re acting, what we’re doing, how we meet, and how we choose the people we do date or have a fling with.
In my world, since I’m a guy, I don’t NEED a woman to take care of me. I don’t need to be nurtured, fed, and I’m completely capable of taking care of most of my needs.
What that means is that for me to commit to a woman she must fill in the parts I can’t do for myself which are not all sexual.
My belief at this time is…
If you want a certain guy to be wiling to commit to you (seemingly on his terms) and it must be based on his time frame, you must determine those needs and desires he can not do for himself, and nicely tease him or challenge him to work for them.
An easy example is of course, sex BUT a tougher one would be connection and companionship.
A man can connect with himself internally but externally, he needs to form a deeper connection with a woman. Give him that connection too easily, or try to make it happen, or give in to only doing things he can do with himself, he’ll feel no need to want something more.
In simpler terms, if a guy has no problem taking care of the details of his life, giving or offering those things doesn’t do much to change his mind.
But that is for another time.
This guy is either NOT ready to commit for reasons I’m not aware of and/or he’s not feeling it long-term with you enough to want something more.
The fact he told you he doesn’t want to be tied down was a clear explanation of how he’s feeling.
Just because he’s not willing to give up the fling part doesn’t change enough.
Just because he’s not hooking up with other girls sort of only means, he has no options or desire to sleep with lots of different women. Which, honestly means to me, with no other options or dating experience, he’ll never be ready to determine 100% that he wants to commit to you.
Just because you get along with his friends only means you’re probably a cool girl to hang with. 🙂 Which is great because it tends to mean with the right guy, a better chance of a commitment.
Changing this man’s mind, if it’s your decision, also means you can NOT put your dating life on hold for him.
Patience is a good thing if you want to form longer lasting relationships BUT waiting around for one guy to decide only puts YOUR life on hold. Which is not good for you and it’s not going to help change his mind about.
The absolute truth is… it might not all work out. Maybe he isn’t feeling it long-term with you and nothing can ever change that BUT I do feel if you stick to what I’ve told you today, you’ll have a better understanding of why and you can then always keep moving forward with your life. No matter what his decision happens to be.
You see, as a guy… I like a LOT of women. I’m attracted to lots of women. Now I’m not an excuse giver. I’m not a guy who will lie to you just to keep enjoying the sex…
BUT I can tell early on, most of the time, if she’d make a great partner beyond the flirting and fun. In my mind, the only thing that could ever change that is one, unfair for her to do or try, two, impossible for her to achieve that shift to second stage attraction, or three, so hard-coded in my emotional mind I will NEVER allow it to happen and still feel good about myself.
The SAD truth is nothing I can change and it’s something I learned long ago.
It’s just THAT much easier to, after a period of time, engage a woman’s attraction if she isn’t feeling it at first than it is to trigger a man’s long-term commitment IF he’s not feeling it a little from the beginning which goes beyond a physical attraction.
You get along with his friends. Cool.
Don’t burn the bridge and keep doing things right BUT NEVER give up on finding someone else because you’ll only do more harm than good waiting around, or “trying” to change a man.
Still, wishing the best of luck… and thanks for asking.