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When He Doesn’t Want to Be Tied Down But Is Physically Attracted To You

in Commitment Issues and Fears, Reading A Man’s Mind
When He Doesn’t Want to Be Tied Down But Is Physically Attracted To You post image

hi, so i met this guy and we had a fling over the summer, he told me he didn’t want any form of relationship but he knows i really liked him. We continued to see each other until He pulled the classic complete shut off at the end of summer. Then i went off to college. I am home over winter break and we have been hanging out upon his request. He told me he is extremely physically attracted to me and sometimes thats where he gets in trouble. He told me he still doesn’t want to be tied down, but the real kicker is that he is not hooking up with any other girls. I was the last girl he got any action from. Do you think I could change his mind? if so how.. I still do really like him. I also get along with all his friends well.

Hi Paige,

I think he “could” change his mind BUT I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.

Okay, I’m going to assume when you said “fling” you mean you were having sex with him.

He’s getting everything he wants from you and there does not seem to be any reason for him to change the situation or the nature of the relationship.

He’s not getting a good reason to take the next step with you Or you’re not giving him enough “incentive” to.

It sounds like you’re in a “friends with benefits” relationship with him and from my experience that rarely, if ever, leads to somewhere more.

He said he doesn’t want a relationship but he knows you really like him, which normally means, “I want and enjoy sex with you and since you’re going to give it to me, I’ll take it, BUT I don’t see you as a long-term option… right now.”

He told you he is extremely attracted to you and it gets him in trouble which normally means, “I want sex with you because you turn me on a lot and I know you’ll give it to me, BUT I still don’t see you as a long-term option. This gets me in trouble because I believe you’ll think having a fling means I want more BUT I don’t. Trouble means I can’t help myself to sleep with you even though I don’t want more because I’m sexually attracted to you.”

He told you he does not want to be tied down which normally means, “I like having sex with you because you give it to me BUT I don’t see you as a long-term option… right now. I actually still believe I can do better but I’m not entirely sure right now because I haven’t explored my options enough yet.”

Do you see the pattern Paige?

Lots of first stage physical attraction (second stage would be the committal stage or long-term courting or partner searching) and nothing more for all the reasons I listed above in my man speak voice.

For a man to commit fully to a woman and want more, several things must be happening.

He must have an internal and uncontrollable need to stop you from seeing other men. If he’s not implying that, suggesting it, or seems to even care, then he only sees you as a sexual option… right now.

He has to see or believe a future with you is something he doesn’t want to screw up. If he’s not “actively” making it easy on you then he’s not worried about making a mistake.

He has to be mature, capable, and in a position to be willing to dedicate time and energy in forming a relationship.

He must also feel a little compelled to win you over.

He must feel challenged by you mentally and physically.

He must realize on his own, his life without you is much less enjoyable.

He must realize over time and during a separation, no matter what other women he meets, he finds himself comparing them to YOU.

He must have, or been given the options to explore other women because that’s what makes him see you’re the one for him.

Obviously there are many other things which have to happen and although it sounds complicated or impossible, it’s not really.

My best guess is, if you really want to change his mind… first, no more sex.

More challenge from you so he can begin to work for you and see the long-term value you represent to him.

Start seeing other men almost immediately but don’t throw it in his face. You too must explore other options so you’re not waiting around for HIM to decide. You can not let a man stop YOUR future from happening or developing.


Define your relationship with him and create clear boundaries you can stick to.

Are you just friends, then be “just” friends.

Are you casually dating, then stop acting like such a good friend.

Stop giving him exactly what he wants and find a way to make him work a little harder for it.

Next look at yourself and take note to:

  • The type of guys you normally date or find yourself falling for.
  • The traits you have which trigger a guy to want a commitment and the traits you have which only sexually stimulate a guy. Harder to do yes, but at least consider it.

We’re looking for certain patterns which might help you see the bigger picture of your dating life. In other words sometimes we have to look at ourselves and take some responsibility for how we’re acting, what we’re doing, how we meet, and how we choose the people we do date or have a fling with.


In my world, since I’m a guy, I don’t NEED a woman to take care of me. I don’t need to be nurtured, fed, and I’m completely capable of taking care of most of my needs.

What that means is that for me to commit to a woman she must fill in the parts I can’t do for myself which are not all sexual.

My belief at this time is…

If you want a certain guy to be wiling to commit to you (seemingly on his terms) and it must be based on his time frame, you must determine those needs and desires he can not do for himself, and nicely tease him or challenge him to work for them.

An easy example is of course, sex BUT a tougher one would be connection and companionship.

A man can connect with himself internally but externally, he needs to form a deeper connection with a woman. Give him that connection too easily, or try to make it happen, or give in to only doing things he can do with himself, he’ll feel no need to want something more.

In simpler terms, if a guy has no problem taking care of the details of his life, giving or offering those things doesn’t do much to change his mind.

But that is for another time.

This guy is either NOT ready to commit for reasons I’m not aware of and/or he’s not feeling it long-term with you enough to want something more.

The fact he told you he doesn’t want to be tied down was a clear explanation of how he’s feeling.

Just because he’s not willing to give up the fling part doesn’t change enough.

Just because he’s not hooking up with other girls sort of only means, he has no options or desire to sleep with lots of different women. Which, honestly means to me, with no other options or dating experience, he’ll never be ready to determine 100% that he wants to commit to you.

Just because you get along with his friends only means you’re probably a cool girl to hang with. 🙂 Which is great because it tends to mean with the right guy, a better chance of a commitment.

Changing this man’s mind, if it’s your decision, also means you can NOT put your dating life on hold for him.

Patience is a good thing if you want to form longer lasting relationships BUT waiting around for one guy to decide only puts YOUR life on hold. Which is not good for you and it’s not going to help change his mind about.

The absolute truth is… it might not all work out. Maybe he isn’t feeling it long-term with you and nothing can ever change that BUT I do feel if you stick to what I’ve told you today, you’ll have a better understanding of why and you can then always keep moving forward with your life. No matter what his decision happens to be.

You see, as a guy… I like a LOT of women. I’m attracted to lots of women. Now I’m not an excuse giver. I’m not a guy who will lie to you just to keep enjoying the sex…

BUT I can tell early on, most of the time, if she’d make a great partner beyond the flirting and fun. In my mind, the only thing that could ever change that is one, unfair for her to do or try, two, impossible for her to achieve that shift to second stage attraction, or three, so hard-coded in my emotional mind I will NEVER allow it to happen and still feel good about myself.

The SAD truth is nothing I can change and it’s something I learned long ago.

It’s just THAT much easier to, after a period of time, engage a woman’s attraction if she isn’t feeling it at first than it is to trigger a man’s long-term commitment IF he’s not feeling it a little from the beginning which goes beyond a physical attraction.

You get along with his friends. Cool.

Don’t burn the bridge and keep doing things right BUT NEVER give up on finding someone else because you’ll only do more harm than good waiting around, or “trying” to change a man.

Still, wishing the best of luck… and thanks for asking.

About the author: Peter White… Showing men and women ways to attract each other naturally by helping you to understand each other. Over ten years experience which has shown me how to see things clearly and get to the root cause of most dating and relationships problems. Hope you learn and enjoy your why do guys experience.

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12 comments… add one
  • Corina J

    Enjoyed reading your comments. I’m in my 40’s and it’s the first time I’ve heard (or read) anyone attempt to spell out what a man must actively pursue, realize, and eventually find realize before he’ll every commit to just one person.

    Corina J

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Corina J. Glad it might make a difference in your life.

  • Hayley Kallal

    Dear Peter,
    Recently I have been having sex with one of my best friends. We were good friends before we started hooking up and as of now we are still good friends. However, there is another girl he seems to like, and before we started all this, I asked him outright whether or not he likes her. He said no – which is why I let this happen – but every time they hang out they post it on social media (something he never does with any other girl) and he makes an effort to make sure they have a good time whenever they hang out…I feel like I was lied to. However, he also appears to be weighing his options with her more than anything.

    Well, lo and behold, I’ve accidentally fallen in love with him. We hang out almost everyday, much more than he hangs out with the other girl. He said he truly values our friendship so he doesn’t want to mess this up, and makes sure we talk things out. But I can’t help but feel like he’s in love with this girl, and I’m just really lost right now trying to understand what he’s thinking: having sex with me while pursuing this girl, but at the same time he turns to me for advice and trusts me with this secrets. He doesn’t seem like one of those guys who just uses a woman physically, and he constantly reassures me that we will stay friends even if we don’t have sex anymore. Should I stop this aspect of our relationship and just try to get over him? Or is he perhaps pursuable?

    • Peter White

      Dear Hayley,

      I was once sleeping with a girl I wasn’t too into and sure we were not great friends BUT at the time I was pursuing (or thought I was in love) with another woman… and the girl I was sleeping with knew it. She actually tried to pretend to help me with the other one when actually she wasn’t.

      My point is, the one I was sleeping with, I felt nothing more than a sexual connection. Two people having fun getting each other off. In that situation, I can honestly say, I did not want anything more and when I realized how she was secretly trying to ruin my chances with my so-called love interest, I stopped any and all of our “agreement”.

      I was in love with the other woman before we hooked up so in a way it’s similar to your situation BUT before anything happened I thought I was doing the honorable thing. I told her I was into someone else and this would not turn into anything else. I did not lie.

      With that said, IF he hid the truth from you to get you to have sex with him, or believed nothing would happen unless he told you he was NOT into that other girl, then we have a real problem. Think hard about how it all happened and decide for yourself how truthful or what his real intentions were or are with you.


      Personally I don’t think just removing the sex will help you get over him or fall out of love with him BUT I feel it’s best for you. Staying friends with someone you love while he’s chasing another girl will be extremely difficult for you because your love to him will not just go away. Things will get awkward and what’s going to happen if and when he gets her and doesn’t get her and “settles” with you because you’re there for him? No a good situation at all.

      No, I don’t think you should pursue him or believe anything more will come out of it. Think about it. He’s good friends with you. He’s having sex with you. AND he’s not committing to you? Just like me and the woman I mentioned, I just wasn’t into her that way and nothing would’ve changed my mind.

      When a guy is close to a woman and he’s intimate with her and confides in her but still won’t commit then that’s normally a big sign he will NEVER feel the same way you do.

      The best thing you can do is to remove yourself gracefully. Stay friends with him for a while and see how he responds. See if your feelings change.

      You can’t continue to be intimate with a guy you’re in love with who is not progressing forward with you because YOU will get hurt.

      Let me know how it works out and wishing you all the best,


  • Ann

    Hi there,

    When a man says that he is “very tied up with business but we will be talking soon” Does he really mean what he said or is he just not interested?

    Met this guy through biz went on 4 meet ups the last one he took me to his house (unplanned) after the meet up but I stood my ground and did not have sex with him as I figured that’s what he wanted…He would not tell me direct what he wanted.

    Days after I reached out to him re business and he stated the above its been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him.

    • Peter White

      Hi Ann,

      Chances are, in this situation, he was probably not that interested in anything more than just something casual. Which could include sex. This does not mean he won’t try again at a later time when and if he makes time for you.

      BUT I will tell you, business or not, most real capable men who do want something more WILL find the time for the one woman he’s feeling it for without a doubt. Which means he either has doubt or was only interested in what I already mentioned, something casual.

      You see, strange as it sounds, he actually does mean what he says, “Business is more important in my life than pursuing something more with you, right now.”

      Shame he didn’t tell you exactly what he wanted, when he took you to his house but most men are afraid to say things like that (sexually) but I bet if you judge his actions at his home – then you’ll know what he wanted and he probably assumed you get it.


  • Susan

    Dear Peter,

    I have been seeing this man for over 5 months. He pursued n invested his time on me at first. Everything was great. I was slowly letting him in to my life. Then moved in together in just after 3 months we been seeing each other.

    All of the sudden his work taking over his entire time. While I just started to developed more feeling for him..he seems to drifted away from me at the same time. We worked around each other time before n despite the busy work life..weanaged to spent quality time together.

    I felt he had a change of heart towards us. When I texted him or made a quick called to checked up on him..most of the times he sound bothered. To me its natural to worry of someone who went to work at 7am and still aint home at 11pm. In few occasions passed 12am.

    He was coveres in dusts n all due to his work nature (construction). I know he is working. I trust him n I dont think he would cheat at all. But lately i started to be more convinced that he is seeing aomeone else.

    We urgued over misunderstanding of a text we both exchanged. I was up set as we havent spent quality time together the last 1 week. I missed him. I mentioned of “if he think best for us to live as flatmate the he should suit himself” out of anger..he agreed best to go seperate ways.

    I was hurt. As I taken big steps to mov3d in with him and all. Since..we still lives together as looking for suitable place to move in to is rather a challenge n slow in process.

    His so called project finished. Yet he continues to leavea early n comes home late. I tried to reconsiled but he said no. He gave me all the BS speech of “is not you its me” kinda thing. I then pushed for real answer. He mentioned..he just dont see me in his future. I was hurt..but appreciate his honesty.

    I cant tell you how much betrayel n hurt I am feeling as everythinh was great n he pursued me. Agreed to moved in with me n less than 2 months living rogether..it all changed.

    I asked him if he is seeing anyone..he always says no n saying he aint got time for it. Yet..what business meeting goes on that late I wonder..He knew I care for him. Yet he is firm on not wanting to reconcile. I accepted his decision as I know 2 people sees their relationship differently…but I wonder…do you think theres away for turning that around? We had a lot of laughs together..ease advise.

  • Helen

    Dear Peter,

    I’m currently in a friends-with-benefits relationship with a friend of mine that I’ve known for almost three years. We met on an online dating site and we did date for a short time, but he was very invested in his career and said he didn’t have time to give me the emotional support that I needed. So we broke it off. We had been talking on and off for about a year and then we reconnected last September. He seemed more eager to stay in contact with me and talked to me more often. Eventually we got on to the topic about sex. We are both attracted to each other, but didn’t want to commit so we agreed on a monogamous friends-with-benefits relationship. However, he’s a bit confusing. When we’re together we always have a great time and sometimes we don’t even have sex. We shower together, talk, listen to music, and eventually have very passionate sex. He does little things like kiss my forehead, but his forehead on mine when we’re having sex, kisses me goodbye when I leave, etc which I’ve never experienced before from a friends-with-benefits partner. He makes me feel special, but has told me he doesn’t want a relationship. He’s very busy with work and talks to me only when he can. My questions to you are: should I not get my hopes up for something serious in the future? And should I be reading more into his actions even though he’s told me he doesn’t want anything serious?

    • Peter White

      Dear Helen 🙂

      I would not get your hopes up for something serious. Fwb’s no matter how they are described, rarely if ever lead to something more. I also would not read any more into his actions because something very important is missing from his actions and that’s “working towards and doing the necessary things to form a serious relationship”.

      From what you said, “he didn’t have time to give me the emotional support that I needed” and that really hasn’t changed in the years you’ve known him. The support he’s offering to you is merely someone to hang out with. share some good times, and then most of the time, have sex. Again, you’re missing an important part which needs to happen and that’s the support part you seem to want.

      Some men will commit to a relationship in every way but as long as it’s not agreed as one, they’ll feel free to do whatever they want, come and go as they please, sometimes without an explanation and sometimes with a lame excuse. That’s why they stick around until another woman comes along which makes him feel that she’s the one.

      We must admit, if he truly believed you were “the one” he’d make it work. His time for you is HIS choice and he’s choosing not to put in the extra effort to make it work which almost always means – he’s doesn’t believe (at this time) that you ARE the one for him.

      What the future holds is normally not my complete call. I’ll never say 100% because for some guys, as they continue on this path and experience different women can be made to realize just what a great choice you are. The problem is – would he be settling or really feeling it? We’ll never know because of the circumstances which have led up to this point.

      A REAL Commitment to us guys almost always feels like we’re giving up something. For that to happen we must feel like the loss we experience (sexual freedom, the single life, etc.. ) pales in comparison to YOU. Which makes the choice or commitment easy because we feel without her, those things mean nothing anymore anyways.

      Obviously there’s more to this real commitment thing but you’re getting the picture. I can tell. 🙂

      Lastly, probably the worst part. Think of it this way:

      You’ve become his “go to” when he’s looking for the very same emotional plus physical support he wasn’t or isn’t willing to give to you. Those actions you wrote about “We shower together, talk, listen to music, and eventually have very passionate sex. He does little things like kiss my forehead, but his forehead on mine when we’re having sex, kisses me goodbye when I leave, etc which I’ve never experienced before…” is giving HIM the support to continue working hard and look elsewhere if he feels like it.

      Thanks for writing in “dear” Helen. I do hope this has shown you something new and can help you in the future.

      Your friend,

  • Helen

    I meant to click on the “notify me to follow up comments” but forgot to

    • Peter White

      Hahaha!! It’s okay Helen. You’ve been notified personally. 😀

  • Anonymous

    Dear peter,

    Where do I start for the past 6/7 weeks I have been seeing this guy (I think you could classify it as seeing). Maybe a good place to start would be some context.
    We drunklying hooked up at my best friend’s wedding to his brother. So already met a large chunk of the family etc. After the wedding he invited back to his and the following weekend. As we live about 2-3 hours away from each other. It was fun and exciting, getting to know each other. Then about 3 weeks into this ‘fling’ I discovered I was pregnant. Which is a shock and definatley made this get serious before they should.
    Ultimately deciding that we both are not in a place to have a child and certainly not together. How can I have a child with someone I’m still getting to know. I know this is the right decision for the both of us at the time.
    He was supportive through the process considering the long distance but there is a element he could have come down to be more supportive. But maybe I’m being picky as how supportive could he have been and nonmatter how attentive he was or could have been it would never have been enough.
    We have seen each other since and message daily. Letting crash between interviews as his city is closer to the jobs I’m applying for then my current. I did state not do this to be polite. But recently he has cancelled on plans to spend the weekend together. Not even sure if we will see each other again. Saying sorry and he does want to see me again but it’s difficult because our lives are different.
    Further stating he doesn’t want me to feel like he is cutting me off and also leading me on. I’m just very confused at the whole situation we have already been through a lot maybe to much to early. That maybe now things have been ‘taken care’ of he was the good guy through he can now walk away. . I said to him I don’t want him to talk to me because the of situation alone.
    utimatly feeling abit jaded because he seems fine now, like this didn’t effect him at all. Go out and date and not carry on with life with the Truma of what has happened. But I’m not the same person I was, and I never will be after going through that.
    It’s conflicting because why say he wants to see me again then that.! Alongside continually talking and use of certain emojis (😘) I know don’t mean a lot but don’t use them at all or stop talking to me to a certain extent. Looking back he has been the one to say encouraging things like he wants to come down and see me and meet my family.
    It’s not like I want to be in a committed serious relationship at this point after being hurt in the past. It’s only been 6 weeks even though gone from 0-100 very quickly we both have stated we are weary of jumping into anything. He also 10 months out of serious 3 yr relationship and myself being in a emotional controlling relationship I’m happy with taking things slow and at there own pace and it will develop naturally if it should. That maybe he has miscalcuted that I’m Expecting him to say he loves me next week. Which I do not wnat and would freak me out.
    Maybe we can’t ever get over what happened or maybe we trying to go back to figuring out stuff and each other like in the very early stages of dating. Or maybe he sees me as now emotional baggage. That dating someone new has a how new appeal. It’s a lot to deal with. It a very complicated situation that has felt very serious because of what’s happened. I just don’t know where I stand. As he can’t be expecting us to be friends we never were to begin with and it will be to painful reminder to be after.
    Both have new prospects work/job wise that should take priority. But I will be geographically closer soon. I’m not getting my hopes up and this is not my reasoning to for moving closer.
    Feeling confused, used and alone. Not sure what to do now even how to respond to the leading me on comment. Should I ride it out seeing what happens but being realistic or state we should no longer talk and completely cut it off. It’s hard to get advise because it’s not been a normal start to a relationship.

    Many thanks

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